It's ok if your spouse cheats

marriedfilingjointly

You can win him back by exposing the affair to everyone they know!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubbshowflatNumber2566583Post2566583

please let that link work; I'm on the mobile version

cheeseandrice

link goes to the home page of the marrige builders forums?

marriedfilingjointly

Go to Notable Posts, and then Exposure 101. You won't be disappointed.

cheeseandrice

ohdeargod. Targeting children is always a healthy way to save a marriage.

"Exposure targets

Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner. "

lauralaur

There are just... so many problems with this. I can tell you right now that if H cheated on me, and I told everyone we know about it, I may forgive him and move on, but everyone we know may not. And telling the kids? Yes, I can see how that would be healthy for all involved.

AceTT

Wow. Having an affair is terrible and deceitful, but broadcasting it to everyone your spouse knows, including the director of HR at his/her employer, is just plain awful. I don't understand how that method of dealing with it would help the relationship. If I was the spouse who had an affair and my husband did this exposure plan, I'd be pretty sure that was his way of putting the nail in the coffin of our relationship.

lauralaur

Plusalso, if it's ongoing, I feel like this is just "forcing" H to "love" me. At the point of exposure, I'm not sure why we would still want to be with each other!

marriedfilingjointly

YOU GUYS there is a pregnancy board. As in, "my wife got knocked up by another man but I'm cool with being the kid's fake daddy."

azdancer8

Everyone DH knows we interact with on a regular basis in our small town. If he were to cheat and I exposed him, I think it would be just as awkward for me as for him. I'd still have to see all those people all the time, and I would constantly feel judged for not being "good enough" to keep him from cheating. (Whether it was true or not.)

Ugh. I completely disagree with their tactic.

kd.joseph

As someone who was cheated on, I was the last one to know, I was surprised at how many people knew and didnt tell me. But, if people didnt know I wouldnt have gone around and told people about it.

I was already humiliated enough without airing my dirty laundry.

Bkseller13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:e0b47f0e-c69c-47fc-99b0-1e16585f78f2">Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who was cheated on, I was the last one to know, I was surprised at how many people knew and didnt tell me. But, if people didnt know I wouldnt have gone around and told people about it. I was already humiliated enough without airing my dirty laundry.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

You had no reason to be humiliated.  He was the jackass with no morals or sense of right.  He should've been utterly ashamed.  But, I'm glad he was a shithead, because your H is awesome and you two are fantastic together!

daffydillie

To be fair, my ExH had multiple (read 20+ women and 2 men that I know of) affairs that overlapped in our short marriage. I exposed him. I will admit that I took all the photos, the facebook messages, emails, etc and gave them to the betrayed spouses (all parties were married.) I think until you are in the situation it is very hard to judge what you would do. I know it was devestating to the betrayed husbands to receive what they did, but they had a right to make a choice in their spouse's affair. I know I went into a deep, dark place for a long time over what he had done to me.

I would not have hesitated to continue exposing people since his affair put my health in jeopardy and lead to the loss of our unborn child. Which he later told his cumdumpsters were not his because we never had sex but then after I miscarried he told them I "killed his son" and had an abortion. I also cleared that lie right up by giving my test results to the betrayed spouses so they could be tested for STDs that their wives had been exsposed to.

If that makes me a bad or pathetic person, I am sorry but at the time I did what I felt was right and do not regret it. My only regret is I did not open my eyes sooner and kicked him to the curb faster.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:6c42c482-e776-44be-9394-658b257ca025">Re:It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]YOU GUYS there is a pregnancy board. As in, "my wife got knocked up by another man but I'm cool with being the kid's fake daddy."
Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

I am glad you have not been in these sitations, but I dont find humor in making fun of someone else's grief.

I joined an infidelity support group and those wives and husbands dealing with other child situations really wish it was that easy to play pretend and it be "cool." If you actually read the threads, you can see the pain and agony that are in these people's posts. It really is sad.

celticmyss

Daffy I think there is a big difference between your situation and what this article proposes. The article is about public shameing to keep your spouse in the relationship. What you did was notify the people involved, not everyone you know. That is a reasonable  and reasponsible reaction, especially if STDs were involved. 

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:e0b47f0e-c69c-47fc-99b0-1e16585f78f2">Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who was cheated on, I was the last one to know, I was surprised at how many people knew and didnt tell me. But, if people didnt know I wouldnt have gone around and told people about it. I was already humiliated enough without airing my dirty laundry.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]
That's what I was going to say. I wouldn't WANT to tell people if my husband cheated on me.

Smash Adams

Ditto kd.  It wasn't something that I especially wanted to share with everyone I knew.  It's embarrassing.

marriedfilingjointly

Daffie, I'm sorry that happened to you.  I truly am.  I think it's totally natural to want a forum to talk about this sort of thing when you are in the thick of it, but I think there is a lot of very unhealthy and just bizarre advice on the site.  For example, you MUST subject your spouse to a polygraph test before you can move on?  Results of a polygraph aren't admissible in court.  I don't have much faith in them, and I certainly wouldn't subject my spouse, who I love, to one if I wanted to work things out.  

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:37151633-72e0-4a96-8d33-fac45538fcea">Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats : You had no reason to be humiliated.  He was the jackass with no morals or sense of right.  He should've been utterly ashamed.  But, I'm glad he was a shithead, because your H is awesome and you two are fantastic together!
Posted by Bkseller13[/QUOTE]

Thank you love! And I agree, H is awesome!

As far as the humiliation it was that everyone at his work knew he was cheating, she was even in my house under the pretense that he was helping her with an abusive father. Yeah, anyway.

He has made his amends to me and I forgave him years ago. Not worth it to hold on to.

Daffy- I dont think MFJ was making fun of anything but the site.

azdancer8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:a3a0e3d9-bf30-4a73-95de-6ecec0305208">Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]Daffy I think there is a big difference between your situation and what this article proposes. The article is about public shameing to keep your spouse in the relationship. What you did was notify the people involved, not everyone you know. That is a reasonable  and reasponsible reaction, especially if STDs were involved. 
Posted by celticmyss[/QUOTE]

This. I would certainly inform any other spouses involved, but it's the public shaming that is overkill IMO.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:568ba81a-b155-466c-8977-994e174e062a">Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]Daffie, I'm sorry that happened to you.  I truly am.  I think it's totally natural to want a forum to talk about this sort of thing when you are in the thick of it, but I think there is a lot of very unhealthy and just bizarre advice on the site.  For example, you MUST subject your spouse to a polygraph test before you can move on?  Results of a polygraph aren't admissible in court.  I don't have much faith in them, and I certainly wouldn't subject my spouse, who I love, to one if I wanted to work things out.  
Posted by marriedfilingjointly[/QUOTE]

That is you personally. These are not musts. I have read this site throughly, and what I did is exactly what many of the support groups encourage. It is not to "Shame" the spouse it is to take the excitement away from the "secret" affair. Depending on the site, marriage builders for instance, recommends that outting the affair kills it. There is no secret. And it gives the betrayed a support system. Perhaps you should read more before you jump to conclusions about people's pain.Because I can quote long sections of the Exposure 101 thread that would completely disprove what you have said.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_its-ok-if-your-spouse-cheats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:86b31cfc-cce9-4b8b-ad95-701543f0ec5aPost:6194cd2b-3bec-45d2-a32f-6330a6233dbe">Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: It's ok if your spouse cheats : That is you personally. These are not musts. I have read this site throughly, and what I did is exactly what many of the support groups encourage. It is not to "Shame" the spouse it is to take the excitement away from the "secret" affair. Depending on the site, marriage builders for instance, recommends that outting the affair kills it. There is no secret. And it gives the betrayed a support system. Perhaps you should read more before you jump to conclusions about people's pain.Because I can quote long sections of the Exposure 101 thread that would completely disprove what you have said.
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but putting everything on blast on FB is not a productive way to end the affair.  Nor is taking it upon yourself to inform their children.  I understand that taking the secret away is great, but you don't need to inform everybody and (literally) their mother to do that.  Spouses, possibly HR at their job if it was a workplace affair.  Bam.  The affair has been exposed.  And I can assure you, by doing this all you are doing is opening yourself up to people who are going to wonder why the hell you're still bothering with this dude, or making people uncomfortable.  Yeah, it sucks if your friend or brother is having an affair but honestly, that's between spouses.  I would NOT appreciate being dragged into the middle of your mess by you telling me that my brother had an affair and all the gory details and then asked me to try and talk my brother into ending his affair.  What a craptastic thing to ask people to do.  Your marriage is your business.  If your H or W wants to end the affair, they're do it without any hassling from all their friends and their mom and their sister and sh*t. 

WillPrez

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