Title goes here.

Anysunrise

Yeah, I wasn't sure what to title this as, but here goes:

FI and I just had a bit of a blowout last night. Nothing major, just issues that needed to be addressed and resolved. We've never had a serious fight last more than a two day span, but I know I can get highly defensive; it gets to the point where I'm not hearing what he's trying to say, and that's when I know I need to just take a breather and calm down.

We write love letters to each other (super cheesey I know. Handwritten, sent by snail mail and everything), so whenever I feel like I'm so mad at him I'm going to burst, I take a step back and reread them. Just for a little kick in the butt to tell me I'm being silly, because this is an amazing man who loves me very much, and he's just trying to explain his side to me and I should maybe try listening to what he's saying.

Is there anything you guys do to help give you a bit of perspective, vent, calm down, etc after a dispute with your FI/H?

nda_roxybabe

T just laughs at me when I get mad, it drives me nuts.
He never really seems to get mad but when he does he refuses to talk to me which upsets me and makes me cry which makes him eventually talk to me again and feel bad.

Nebb

When I get really mad, legitemately mad, I go out for a bit to clear my head and think through my thoughts. Then I wite my husband a letter saying how I feel and what I need out of the situation. After he has read it, we can discuss the issue.

Blueyed228

My advice is to take the time to cool down before you talk about it.  That way you have a level head.

I always say to fight fair.  Its ok to disagree but no name calling and bringing up old shiit.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:c5a45bcd-fb06-4e82-b210-4336e04c77aa">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]When I get really mad, legitemately mad, I go out for a bit to clear my head and think through my thoughts. Then I wite my husband a letter saying how I feel and what I need out of the situation. After he has read it, we can discuss the issue.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

I like this. Half the time I'm mad, I tend to just blurt out whatever comes into my head. Which is usually bitchy and sarcastic, so it naturally doesn't help much. I've written him e-mails before (long distance, so it's the best I can do) and it usually helps. I like having the time to think about what I'm saying instead of just impulsively throwing things out there.

anna.oskar

If we have a tiff (we haven't had any real blowups) we each go to different areas of the housefor a few hours to be by ourselves in a self-imposed silent treatment.

One of us will finally cave and bring a peace offering which is usually something silly and we end up just laughing it off.  He once wrote me a poem on toilet paper so i could "wipe my butt with it if it's crap"

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Ditto Blueyed.  Also - pick your battles.  Some stuff isn't worth getting worked up over. 

I know we will someday, and it's uber annoying when people say this: but legitimately, we don't fight.  We disagree about things, but we've never all out fought about something.  That's not to say we never will, of course.  But we don't right now.  Besides, neither one of us is really confrontational anyway. 

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:381329b6-cce3-434a-a0e4-127858d5936d">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Title goes here. : I like this. <strong>Half the time I'm mad, I tend to just blurt out whatever comes into my head. Which is usually bitchy and sarcastic</strong>, so it naturally doesn't help much. I've written him e-mails before (long distance, so it's the best I can do) and it usually helps. I like having the time to think about what I'm saying instead of just impulsively throwing things out there.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

I can be the same way. Our fights used to be a lot worse and a lot longer before I started walking away before addressing the issues. We fight a lot better now.

MarriedInAFever

Space. Take some time to yourself. When you come back, you can calmly discuss the problem and work to resolve it.

raynes

Sometimes, it helps to just blow up a bit.  We're both very non-confrontational people and, my H especially, tend to shut down when we're angry.  Most of our fights happen during our various reno projects and sometimes it really helps to actually yell.

Usually we just end up laughing and get it sorted out. 

I really hate it when he just gets silent and doesn't tell me what's wrong.  That's something we're working on.

Night_Sprite

Apparently I fight like my dad, which makes sense considering we didn't get along when I was a teenager for years.  Basically I need to step away and cool down or I will explode and be a super jerk, saying the mean things I could say, but don't ever actually say. 

H and my mom both don't like this because they'd like to hash it out right away.  It makes me glad we don't fight.

[Deleted User]

H can be really sensitive about certain issues, so usually when something really upsets me or angers me I write it down. that way I can go back and edit it and avoid saying something hurtful or harsh in the heat of the moment (otherwise I'll just be a raging bitch and say something I can't take back just to say it). Plus it guarantees that he can't interrupt me when he reads it.

He, on the other hand, gets all moody and childish when he's mad. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say so usually I just let him talk then walk away. Guaranteed he comes after me apologizing for being an ass. That hasn't happened in like a year though, he's gotten a lot better about communicating.

maratea

When we fight, it gets pretty loud. I'd say that we yell until we get it out. Then, we go to our own area for a while, calm down, and when we are calm, we talk and it usually ends up with each of us saying we are sorry and why. Then we have a beer and laugh.

And I also, apparently, like to break things. For real. I broke a door once. I hated that doorknob anyway.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:c60ab065-cadc-49d0-aa43-2c3e5a222b70">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes, it helps to just blow up a bit.  We're both very non-confrontational people and, my H especially, tend to shut down when we're angry.  Most of our fights happen during our various reno projects and sometimes it really helps to actually yell. Usually we just end up laughing and get it sorted out.  I really hate it when he just gets silent and doesn't tell me what's wrong.  That's something we're working on.
Posted by raynes[/QUOTE]

I'm usually like this. We've had maybe 3 serious fights in the last 2 years, and the only reason they were was because I just shut down and didn't say anything, which usually gives him the wrong (ie., the worst-case scenario) idea about what I'm feeling. I've always really hated telling people how I felt, but I've never really been in a situation where I needed to until FI. So I've made some progress in talking about it, but like I said earlier, it's hard not to just immediately get defensive and say bitchy things instead.

It's something I've been working on. That's partly why I made this post, is to see how other people deal with anger and maybe find something that works for me.

MarriedInAFever

Also anysunrise, sorry you're going through this. Fighting really sucks and is stressful. Just remember why you care about him and the relationship. You know you'll get through it, it just sucks.

laurenclaire1386

If it makes you feel any better, I do the same thing, except with old emails. When we lived apart, we wrote snail mail letters, but because FI is gone for work a lot, we communicate (and argue) a lot through email and it's always refreshing to go back and be reminded why you're doing this in the first place.

Every couple fights. Some more than others, and everyone's style of arguing is different. With the exception of physical or verbal abuse, there's really no level of "normal" I don't think. You'll get through it. It won't always be easy, but it'll always be worth it.

LesPaul

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:c60ab065-cadc-49d0-aa43-2c3e5a222b70">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]  <strong>I really hate it when he just gets silent and doesn't tell me what's wrong.  That's something we're working on.</strong>
Posted by raynes[/QUOTE]

DH does this.  Makes me crazy - when he makes the world go away, he makes me go away too.  I'm a 'fixer' (most women are) and I need to be able to do something to fix whatever is wrong but he won't let me in.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:129ee887-438a-478c-9445-5e7cf6415ba7">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]Also anysunrise, sorry you're going through this. Fighting really sucks and is stressful. Just remember why you care about him and the relationship. You know you'll get through it, it just sucks.
Posted by MarriedInAFever[/QUOTE]

Thanks =) We resolved it a little earlier, but now I'm just trying to get to the heart of why I can't seem to simply tell him how I'm feeling. 99% of the time, our big fights are solely because I get defensive and blow things out of proportion. He doesn't always explain things how he means, and I generally tend to take things in an accusatory tone.

I just have to try and not be so quick to anger. It's new territory for me, this whole actually having legitimate conversations. My only serious relationship prior to this was a complete jerkwad who refused to be near me when I cried.

raynes

I think that part of what is helping us is that I know he shuts down when he gets angry.  When I see him start to shut down I calmly approach him and try to get him to talk it out.  Often he's got to do the same thing with me.

Maybe try having a discussion, when you're all calm and happy and not fighting, about the kinds of things you need from him when you're fighting, and vice versa.

JenGin74

I think it's sweet that you mail love letters to each other.

When I'm about to blow up, I stand in the kitchen and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. I use this time to think about what I want to say and to calm myself down. 

Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

katiewhompus

I don't think we've actually had a huge fight in a long long time. We did have a huge blow out when we first started dating over something stupid that was blown out of proportion on his end by previous relationship baggage I wasn't aware of.

Now if we argue or get pissy with each other we just say "So why are you being a pissy-pants?" It makes you giggle and gives the person the freedom to just say "I'm just being pissy today and I don't know why". We will also text each other little things when we're pissed to break the ice. I think the texting reminds us of when we were long distance and the fact that now we're physically together and can deal with whatever it is.

I think our biggest thing is just a pre-warning when we are in a bad mood for whatever reason. I tend to take things too personally so if he comes home cranky I will wonder what it is I did until I get pissed that he won't tell me. Now he comes home and goes "I'm tired and cranky because of work" and i know.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:9caa0272-6a4a-48d5-a697-53df24ca76e0">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's sweet that you mail love letters to each other. When I'm about to blow up, <strong>I stand in the kitchen and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee.</strong> I use this time to think about what I want to say and to calm myself down.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]
This is my go to cool off thing too. Except on the porch. It doesn't always work in the summer time because it's so GD hot outside, and I just get pissier.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:37d857c2-0d7f-4b60-b5db-4f738ecc35b6">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Title goes here. : This is my go to cool off thing too. Except on the porch. It doesn't always work in the summer time because <strong>it's so GD hot outside, and I just get pissier.</strong>
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]


Sweaty and pissy do not go well together.

future-mrs

FI and I rarely have huge blow-outs...that being said, I'm a BIG hot head so I've had to teach myself to step out (walk, smoke a cigarette...or 5) and then come back to talk calmly about what's going on.  That works for me.  You've got to find what works for you and your FI.

Anysunrise

Thanks a lot you guys, I really appreciate your advice

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_title-goes-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:88d6a9de-d10d-43b4-96ce-3408e1e46f22Post:10ff6173-5406-4afe-9aec-01e34a39a105">Re: Title goes here.</a>:
[QUOTE]T just laughs at me when I get mad, it drives me nuts. He never really seems to get mad but when he does he refuses to talk to me which upsets me and makes me cry which makes him eventually talk to me again and feel bad.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

That sounds kind of like me.  I have to deal with so much BS from customers at work that not much else in real life can really upset me so when FI gets upset about something I think is inconsequential it initially seems a little funny lol.  We only really argue about something a few times a year and nothing has ever been an issue longer than a couple hours.