Unask a Bridesmaid who has been MIA for 6 months

nriggi2

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SarahPLiz

Your wedding is not for another year. Calm the efff down.

1- You shouldn't have asked her so early. That's your own fault

2- A lot could happen in the next year. There is nothing she needs to do as a BM right now. You could be BFFs again.. .if you aren't so rude as to kick her out of the BP.

3- Treat this as a friend issue, not a BM issue. You can talk to her and tell her that you feel like she is being a crappy friend, but since it has nothing to do with the wedding, leave the BM part out.

4- You don't get to dictate what other people do with their time. She may be really busy and partying on the weekend to relieve stress. Perhaps the parties are expected by her sorority. You don't know unless you talk to her.

Again, I reiterate, this has nothing to do with being a BM at this point in time. There is no need for a WP at all at this point in time. Deal with this as a friend issue and leave the wedding stuff out of the discussion.

nthomas983

Honestly...I wouldn't.  If you want to salvage this relationship, asking her to step down isn't going to help.  Remember that her only "job" is to get a dress and stand with you at your wedding.  If she still doesn't respond when it's time to get the dress and have the wedding, then she's not a bridesmaid.

If you don't care about the relationship and don't want to be her friend anymore, then go ahead and fire her.

cwilt

I had a similar problem with one of my bridesmaids. She wouldn't answer the phone, or even my texts except once in a blue moon. Email didn't work. The only way I could get a hold of her was face to face and I was 12 hours away. :P My Maid of Honor was coordinating bridesmaids trying on their dresses etc... and when she skipped for the second time without any excuse I emailed her and just asked if it was too much, like if she was too busy to be involved.
I think that worked well, because it gave her an out without flat out kicking her out. She said, yes she was too busy, and so that was that. Now, she answers my texts sometimes! I feel like our friendship is under far less pressure.
Maybe your bridesmaid is feeling overwhelmed about paying for a bm dress and everything. You could try doing something similar, and giving her an out for if she wants to take it.

Jessie888

I would do what cwilt did and just ask her. I agree that there isnt alot going on right now for your wedding, but that doesnt mean that you dont want to talk to her about it. She should return your calls or make some effort to ask you whats been going on with your wedding planning. 

I totally disagree that her only job is to get a dress and look pretty. She should mean something to you and care about your wedding. I am a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding and I have been there every step of the way with her. I help her out, listen to her, and give her advice when she asks for it. Its very special for people to be involved in your wedding day!

I would just call her up and say that you havent heard from her, you miss her, and you feel weird cause you havent spoken to her and want to make sure she has enough time to be in your wedding.

missjenna84

I agree with JMPLASKET on how to handle this one. It's tricky, I know! Lately I've been concerned I made the wrong choice for MOH, and that one of my other Bridesmaids should have been. I just don't how there is a way of switching positions without upseting my MOH. I don't want to damage our friendship. So anyway, I know the feeling!

felicia220

I wouldn't have her remain a bridesmaid.  Mainly because a bridal party is made up of your closest friends, and how close can you be if you haven't seen or spoken (other then in text) in 6 months.  I think that is really weird of her.  Maybe she doesn't want to be a BM anymore or even your friend.  All I know is that I wouldn't expect my BM to do anything other then get her dress, oh and maybe actually talk to me from time to time. (The OP said nothing about her being there to do things for her wedding she can't even get her on the phone for causal conversation.) Forget the wedding, who does that, when you are friends with someone, like I said it is just weird and I would just tell her you decided it wouldn't be a good idea for her to be a BM, whats the worse she can do, stop talking to you and ignore your messages, oh wait she already did that.  

Piru

I wouldn't worry about it much for now. When it comes closer to the wedding I would ask about it as suggested, or if she's really MIA not even bother. Chances are if she's this MIA and the wedding's that far off, she pretty much forgot about it.

I also disagree that BMs only have to wear a dress, but then I'm having a very small bridal party with only my very best friends. If you have a huge party then maybe each individual BM is not so important. For me, I really value their input and really care about their involvement.

luckyme502

I think you should text her that she's no longer a bridesmaid and that you never want to talk to her ever again!  Let her know what a little brat she's being living her life and not spending enough time with you and planning your wedding!!!

Lenore2010

I am going to have the dissenting opinion here: Six months is a long while for a friend to be MIA, bridesmaid or not. Unless she has a terrible known life crisis (cancer, family death, thesis due) I suspect she is telling you one or both of these things:

1. She is no longer interested in being a bridesmaid and does not know "how to tell you".

2. She is not so into the friendship.

No, you are not being a terrible person for wondering WTH is going on. There is only one way to find out, though: just ask. Since she apparently does not talk to you, you might need to ask via e-mail but just go ahead and ask nicely.

A friend may be to busy to talk for three months due to work, school or both but six? Nope, something is up and I am guessing it is not just here "living her life". 

Karebear852k3

Ditto to cwilt.  I would wait until the wedding is a little closer, you still have some time.

rands09

Here's the thing - you can still salvage the friendship, if you would like to. But your wedding day is yours and yours alone (and FI's!), and you don't get a do-over. So, if having this person in your party would be the source of any bad feelings or stress, then I totally agree with some of the earlier posters...simply ask her if being in the wedding is too much for her, and offer her an out.

I do understand that you "don't get to determine" how she spends her time...and whatever the reasons she is partying every weekend are her own. But the fact is, when she said yes to being in your wedding, she agreed to a few simple obligations...being present for dress fittings and events among them. So, if she is telling you that she is too busy to do her few BM duties,but you see that she is "busy" doing everything else, I believe you do a right to call her on it, so that you can move on.

BTW -  I had an almost exact scenario with one of my (now ex) Bridesmaids. She was happy and excited at the start, but then disappeared on us. She suddenly became super busy - with her kids, school, going to festivals, and a million other things. When I asked her when she would be available (we're talking 1 day out of a whole month) to go shopping and get fitted for her gown, she sent me an emai with a littany of reasons why she was too busy...but my favorite one was that Halloween weekend was for her daughter, and she did nothing else but prep Fri-Sun...whatever.

So, she never saw the dress, told me and the other girls to go ahead and pick it out, she would like it regardless, and give her the ordering details. Well, we did. Guess what? She never ordered her dress. I called her two weeks before the deadline and again two days before the deadline, and she assured me that she was going to get it ordered. Never happened, and she did not return any more calls after that. So guess what? When I get married in 6 weeks, she is still invited as a guest, but will not be in my party. So, my point is, you have to do what's best for you. I would never dream of having someone in my wedding party who obviously didn't want to be there, or was not happy to do it. Just because you asked doesn't mean you're bound to the decision for life. Things change. Good luch!

rands09

One more thing...I forgot to add - after the email where she detailed how every weekend for a month and a half was "booked" and she could not squeeze in time to shop/get fitted for her dress, I talked with FI about it. We decided to ask her if the the timing was just not right for her to be a part of the wedding? We told her that we'd love to have her in the party, but if it was just too much for her right now, that we'd understand and would be happy to celebrate with her as a guest.

Guess what? She assured us over and over again that it was not too much going on and that she was looking forward to being a part of our day...and then proceeded to not do another thing and as I mentioned earlier, pretty much stopped communicating. Unfortunately another friend of mine had a similar BM story...so this is not at all unusual. Some times you have to cut your losses and move on...