i need a reality check..

Starmusica

Should I care about this?

So- a couple weeks back H's family had a 60th anniversary party for his grandparents. Apparently the morning before the party all the women in his family went to see Wicked together and then went from there to the party. I was not invited. I am the only in-law among the grandkids.... and there is only one other girlfriend. I haven't been able to confirm if she was invited and declined or if we were both left out. That aside.. I am not a girlfriend.. I am a wife. I am supposedly family.

should I be hurt? should I ask about it? Am i crazy for caring?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

At first blush yeah I'd be hurt and offended.

I am not sure how I would go about asking about it - but it could have been a definite mistake on their part (albeit kinda dumb).

I don't think you're crazy for caring.  My mom's been getting the same treatment from my dad's family for 30 years... and it still always hurts her feelings.

pirategal03

I think that right now if FI's family did this I'd be a little miffed and get over it.  But a year from now, my feelings would probably be hurt.  I don't think you can really say anything though. 

Do you live nearby?  Did they maybe think you wouldn't want to travel earlier and without your H?

Do you do other things with the women in the family?

jemmini6

I don't think it's crazy to be slightly offended, but maybe they just thought it was a 'generational' thing??  Unless of course the girlfriend was in fact invited and then I'd definitely be hurt.

jessienjeremy

I would probably feel the same way. My FI's brother has been married 5yrs and they have been together for 10 and my FMIL will call her and ask questions about MY FI... it irritates me cause I am his FI not her. I tell my FI and he says I am over reacting.  I sometimes feel not so close to his mom.. I have been trying to include her in the wedding stuff alot so we can bond but sometimes I feel I am annoying her. She is a super sweet lady though so I dont want to be negative about her. 

Maybe you could say something to your FI about it and see if he would bring it up to his mom and just say something like.. why didnt you invite...... or maybe explain how you feel . 

Anysunrise

I'd be pretty hurt. I probably wouldn't say anything to FI (or H) unless it happened again. I don't know what the dynamic is like there, but FI's mom and sisters are all really close, and while they usually invite me along, there are some things they do by themselves still. I'd bring it up if I felt like they were trying to alienate me though.

Starmusica

I haven't. H wants to because he's even more hurt than me. I think maybe it was a mom-daughter thing and i was just left out but.... i dunno. it hurt. they were all talking about it and then when we were sitting around and i was like o I didnt realize you guys had gone they looked uncomfortable and stopped discussing it. At that point I really had no idea. Then I realized they had gone and felt weird the rest of the day. H wants to talk to his mom now to ensure it doesnt happen again. I just feel terrible about the whole thing.

JennaV26

My feelings would be really hurt, you're definitely not wrong to feel upset. I'd have your H talk to his mother about it just to let her know that you were upset that you weren't included.

The man who officiated our ceremony is a very dear family friend and has a wonderful family. His oldest daughter (we'll call her Abby) married a great guy and then on their first Christmas together his mother handed Abby a camera and said "Now can you please take a picture of the real Harrison* women?"  and grabbed her H's two sisters for a pic, totally excluding Abby. It was so mean.

*Name changed to protect the b!tchy.

JennaV26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-reality-check-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:96f3be6f-0e64-4f15-9e98-0c8560eca8cbPost:6d351d4d-0d81-4d33-adcc-b0f7f87b3f94">Re: i need a reality check..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i need a reality check.. : UGH THATS THE OTHER THING- they alllll had on facebook how much fun they had "with their favorite girls" ::huddled in corner crying::: boo. im all annoyed again.
Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]

That seriously breaks my heart, how mean!! I'd be so sad. Definitely have your H talk to you MIL.

Starmusica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-reality-check-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:96f3be6f-0e64-4f15-9e98-0c8560eca8cbPost:bae4f7bd-4193-4a09-b62c-f3595fddc174">Re: i need a reality check..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i need a reality check.. : That seriously breaks my heart, how mean!! I'd be so sad. Definitely have your H talk to you MIL.
Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]

<div>thanks. Good for you on the photos. MIL does stuff like that. The thing is- I dont doubt that they think of me as family. I dont know why they did this. I actually cried after I saw the facebook posting and I never cry. I was just hurt and uncomfortable and just felt like all the nice things his mom says about me being like a daughter was total BS.</div>

beatlesgirl25

Aw, I'd be hurt too Star. I'm trying to find a non-personal explanation, and I wonder if it's one of those family things that had a cutoff for non-spouses? I know you're the wife now, but this sounds like something that they've had to plan for at least a month or two, especially reserving group tickets to a show like Wicked. Didn't you just get married like a month ago? Maybe they didn't consider including you until it was "official," at which point they'd already planned and booked everything. Not that it makes that much better, because obviously you've been a part of their lives for (presumably) years now. But maybe that's part of what happened?

ETA: My IL's are kind of like this too. I've been with H for 4 years and we were engaged for almost 2. Yet this year on my birthday, I suddenly get all these cards and gifts from his family. They never sent me anything while we were engaged or dating. NOT that I ever expected it, but I was surprised to suddenly be getting special treatment because we had gotten married.

jessienjeremy

I am feel so bad reading your posts. BIG HUG

Hopefully they will see that they hurt your feelings and will include you next time.

missy68

Jenna, J's sister had my SIL take a picture of "their family" at our wedding (we're talking 6-8 people) and called everyone over, but leaving both me and her new husband of 1 day out. SIL kept telling me to go get in it, but I said no, I wasn't asked.

But when WE did a family one, J was in it.

Starmusica

beatles- I am hoping so. HOWEVER- (i forgot to mention this)- H's sister said "too bad you and K (H's cousin's gf) missed it". Sister may have been clueless and just assumed we did orrrrr K was actually invited and couldn't go. If she was invited- I may be devastated..... H and I have been together for 8 years...

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-reality-check-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:96f3be6f-0e64-4f15-9e98-0c8560eca8cbPost:56ab66a6-e0ae-44a9-922a-7395fa64e12a">Re: i need a reality check..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: i need a reality check.. : well all the cousins and H's sister were invited....
Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]


Ah...then yeah, that's pretty messed up.  It'd be one thing if it were like only people over 40 and maybe they hadn't invited you because they thought you'd be uncomfortable or something, but when ALL the girls but you were invited, then yeah, I'd be really hurt too.  I'd definitely have your H talk to his mom about it

[Deleted User]

Yeah I'd be upset too, especially if they talked about it in front of you, you live close by, and it was all over FB as having fun with "the girls." It looks like you were left out on purpose, whether or not that was the intention.

I think your H should ask your mom why you weren't invited. If she has a problem, you should know about it.