Parenting opinions

Y I Oughta

Jas- This is exactly what I mean, she is an adult.

J&K- I strongly agree with the idea that you only threaten what is actually possible and if you don't follow through you won't get anywhere with your kids. It classical conditioning, if you reward the bad behavior it won't go away.
 
I have raised my kid this way and she follows every rule I have set (hopefully she continues with this considering she is only 13 right now). There is also give and take, you have to choose your battles. If the child is doing what they are supposed to do (grades, chores, etc) they should be rewarded with some leniency, if not, tighten the reins.

[Deleted User]

I could be 40 years old and still subject to my parents' discipline if I do something wrong. if I'm living at home (and like J&K said, not paying my way), then I should be expected to follow the house rules. If I didn't, then my mom would have every right to discipline me or tell me to get out. I may technically be an adult, but that doesn't excuse me from disrespecting set rules. 

Parents should expect their kid to treat their home respectfully, but by not following the rule, the kid is not being respectful.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:95909ff0-fb70-4f84-81d2-8989aaeaaf83">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]Birdie, that was my parent's attitudes too. I had a curfew but as long as I called if I was running late they usually let it slide. They also taught me how worried they got because one night they told me they would be home by 8pm and didn't get home until 1am and didn't call. Sure enough they get home and I'm sitting in dad's chair with a blanket staring at the door with the phone in my hand getting ready to call the cops. After that the concept of calling clicked.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]


So now you understand why your parents asked to kow when you would get home?

The night I waited until 3 am for my parents to get home, my mother was dead.  Car accident,  what every parent fears most.

I gave a curfew when M was home during college but it was because we both had to get up for work in the morning and I couldn't do that if I was waiting up for her all night.  There was no curfew on weekends but I had to know around what time she would be getting in.

jasmineh7777

I would need a clear answer to this question to acknowledge the rule as something more than seeking power or control.

   Why is it in place?

katiewhompus

Jas, I'm just assuming because the parents have to wake up early for work and are sick of waking up at 3am when she comes home.

I'm not filling in other details because I don't know either.

HobokensFury

Maybe it's because my mom was so understanding but I find this ridiculous.  I'm all for having rules but 1) She's an adult 2) I can't imagine having piece of mind to sleep at night if I didn't know where my child was.  I'd rather she come home to her own bed late than sleep god knows where.

kd.joseph

As a mother of a teen, who kept me up when I had to be at work in the morning. I say I want you in the house when I say, doors locked. I could not sleep unless I knew my son was home safe.

And heck tell a teenager not to come home if it's past curfew...sounds like an invitation to me.

redheadtmk

I get the parents view point. my only rule after i turned 18 was " let us know what time you are going to be home so I know when to start worrying". If i was going to not come home, that was fine too. Just had to let them know ahead of time, or call if I was going to be later than originally planned. Also I had to give them an idea (not an exact itinerary) of where I would be or who I would be with "so they knew where to start looking for my body" if I did not come home.

Basically my dad's point was that even though I was an adult, he was still my father, still worried about me, and could not sleep until he knew I was safe. I think that is very fair. I also think that if they can not sleep wondering if you are safe, and when you are goint to be home, they have every right to impose a curfew on you. It is there home, and if they can't sleep or do not want to be woken up, then that is thier right. Just because kids are up until 3 when on thier own doesnt mean they get that right when at thier parents.

As for sleeping in her car in the garage, I might be more inclined to be upset if I hadnt locked myself out of my house several times when I lived with my sister and couldnt get them to wake up and let me in. I slept in my car with no garage in 20-30 degree weather and it really is not as horrible as it sounds.

BecW2be

I'm in the Worrying Mother boat. I can't sleep until I know my teen is home and safe. I didn't set a curfew so much as ask her to be home when she says she'll be home so I can't stop worrying.

Now, in HS she missed curfew a few times, and I easily prevented that from happening. I took the door to her room off the hinges and put it in the basement. She had to be on time or early 5 times before she got it back, and she was never late again.

mandapanda78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:3ea88462-a389-48ea-aa81-b6af4aa797d0">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the Worrying Mother boat. I can't sleep until I know my teen is home and safe. I didn't set a curfew so much as ask her to be home when she says she'll be home so I can't stop worrying. Now, in HS she missed curfew a few times, and I easily prevented that from happening. I took the door to her room off the hinges and put it in the basement. She had to be on time or early 5 times before she got it back, and she was never late again.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

<div>I know I'm not the first person to day this, but would you please write a parenting book? "Parenting like Bec- a Rockin' Mom's Guide to Awesome Parenting." It'll be a best seller.</div>

BecW2be

MANDA!!! How are you? I miss you so much! How are you?

My only advice to parenting is be ahead of your kid's curve at all times, and be ready for them to fuuck up. They will, and you just have to be ready to react in a fair and just way with an obvious consequence that will teach them a relevant lesson. Meaning, be a smartass and get 'em where it hurts most.

mandapanda78

Hi Bec!! I miss you, too. Lots and lots!! I'm ok. I hate my mo-fo job and I'm fighting a losing battle with bronchitis at the moment. But hey, it's almost Christmas, so that rocks! 

BecW2be

yay Christmas! Boo bronchitis and job suck.

Y I Oughta

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:3ea88462-a389-48ea-aa81-b6af4aa797d0">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the Worrying Mother boat. I can't sleep until I know my teen is home and safe. I didn't set a curfew so much as ask her to be home when she says she'll be home so I can't stop worrying. Now, in HS she missed curfew a few times, and I easily prevented that from happening. I took the door to her room off the hinges and put it in the basement. She had to be on time or early 5 times before she got it back, and she was never late again.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

Bec- YOU have a teenage daughter? I would have never guessed, you don't look old enough for that.

J&K10910

I like Bec's solution way better than locking the kid out.

Now that I thought about it more, I decided I don't support the consequence of the kid being locked out (because like a lot of you mentioned, I would want to know where my kid was sleeping as well, even if she was late), and I would come up with something different (but hopefully close to equally effective).  BUT in this situation, when it was the threatened consequence, I still support that mother following through. 

[Deleted User]

I like the tough love theory, but making anyone sleep outside is cruel and in some places dangerous. Also, the girl in the OP slept in the car in the garage. This is fine, except if she had turned the car on for heat and got carbon monoxide poisoning. Let the kid in the house and punish them with something that doesn't have the potential to be hazardous to their health.

TheCranberry

I had a curfew in college when I was home for summer vacations; I think it was 1 AM or something.  My mom just didn't think it was okay for me to be out that late.  She knew I stayed out however long I wanted to when I was away, but she didn't want it while I was living in her house.  I think she did away with the curfew after I graduated from college and was living on my own.  When I came home to visit, no more curfews. 

Even though 18 year olds are legally adults, I think if they are living at home and accepting support from their parents, the parents can still have a say in discipline, etc.  Of course it's not the same as when they were 10 or 13 or even 16.  It's age appropriate discipline.  Let's be honest, 18 year olds are not the most responsible people so I don't think it's out of hand for parents to give them a curfew.  22 year old?  It's a bit much by that point.

It's hard to say whether these parents went too far here.  Was the girl constantly breaking the rules?  Did she show them any respect?  What is the relationship like?  I was annoyed by my mom's curfew, but I did not want to her her mouth so I definitely adhered to it.  I don't know what I would have done if she made me sleep in the garage.  It's so out of the realm of what she would do.  I went to boarding school so I think the last time I was actually punished by my mom I was probably 13 or 14. 

slubkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:335a5e72-c310-463c-80b7-8a0244fc0c24">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting opinions : I bet you $1000 the girl has a cellphone.  That's a good time to use it. Also?  If she didn't have a history of staying out late and being late was an unusual thing (in the case of an actual, legit excuse for being late) she wouldn't be in that situation anyway.  It's all natural consequences. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
I totally agree.  I was just trying to give the benefit of the doubt.  Personally if it had been me, I would have called if I was going to be even 10 minutes late FOR ANY REASON.  Because my parents were fricking psycho when I was younger and living with them. (This was before cell phones, and I had to call them to let them know every time me and my friends decided to leave one location and go to another so my parents would know where I was.  I got grounded once because I called them AFTER we headed out and they had called the house of the friend where I had previously been and I got busted.)

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:fa671158-5715-4109-8e6a-1aeb853d47c8">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I just figured out my opposition.  I think after high school you are an "adult" and not subject to discipline . Your parents should expect that you treat their home respectfully if you live there.  I don't think getting home late and quietly letting yourself in is disrespectful.  I expect the dynamic between parents and their kids to change after their kids graduate, but that might not be true for everyone.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with all of this, and as I think someone else mentioned, do the parents realize how dangerous this could be with a daughter of any age?? There was a serial killer/rapist in Canada (Paul Bernardo I believe, and his wife Karla) who grabbed a 15 year old under exactly these circumstances-and no I do not think leaving a young woman with no place to sleep is any better than doing it to a 15 year old. </div>

topcatiom

i like to think that i did raise my daughter to respect others, and herself, we have a one strike rule; i went away with FI last year and specifically said no parties (as you would!) she was supposed to live with her dad during that time but snuck over and had a party; the door got kicked in, a window broken and in the end she herself called the police and they called her dad. When i got back and found out all i had to say to her was 'i'm really disappointed in you' and she went to pieces; i know i will never have that problem again. She's not technically an 'adult' age wise and has some stricter rules as a result, curfew, door open if boys in room and so on, but i guess a discusion will take place when she turns 18 about what is appropriate if she lives here (which of course she will until she gets married at 35)

pizzanfries4me

I lived at home with my parents until I was 22 and bought my house - I had a curfew until I had a house of my own. And that was at 10pm (yes... SUPER strict) but since I was living in their home, I did as they requested. I was a good child and was home at that time (with even a few minutes to spare) because I knew there was always that possibility that they would lock me out too.
I seem to be going against the grain here, but I do not see a problem with the parents who locked their child out - of course it would be terrible and unforgivable if something awful happened, but I would not put this measure past alot of parents, nor would I give a side eye to the people who beleive in this.