how would you react? (very long and dramatic)

loveypants

note:  I am going to post and go work out but I will be backbackstory:  FSIL came is town this past week with her husband and baby.  She doesn't come into town often at all.  Which is kinda nice because she has a horrible temper, worse than you can imagine.  Anyway, FMIL asked FI and me if she could have a couples shower for us while FSIL was here.  Mostly just our families with a couple friends.  FMIL told us there will be no children at the party.  (I have 8 nieces and nephews)  FI and I said that was fine as long as FSIL's son was included in the no children.  My mom would be really upset if her grandchildren couldn't be there but FMIL had hers there.FMIL gave arguements about us wanting to make sure that no children was really NO children  but said ok.This past weekend was shower.  Day of shower FI calls FMIL and asks about the situation on getting his nephew a babysitter for the night.  FMIL, FSIL and FGMIL all assure FI that one way or another the nephew would not be at the shower.  well, we get there and suprise!  The nephew is there and dressed for the party and stays the whole time.  I didn't say anything at the time but I am so upset.This is on top of a WHOLE lot of different drama and complaining from his mom and sister about anything and everything wedding related.... what would you do?

Cyndi&Nick

Slap them both. No, but seriously. I would be offended, but it isn't something I would dwell on. I think it is extremely rude that she say one thing and do another, but pick your battles. People are just crazy.

almoyo

I would have addressed it at the shower, personally. It's totally not fair. If you keep letting it go, she will feel that she can *always* be the exception, and she'll keep doing what she wants.

Mariah&Steven

I completely agree with Almoyo.

shortgirltx

Ditto Allison. I would be annoyed as well; it seems they had intentions to bring him all along but this falls on them and is a reflection on them, not you!What did your FI say about this?  I'm asking this because if he doesn't have a problem with their behavior, is this something you want to fight them alone on?  I would have your FI address this with them if you aren't close (with FMIL, FSIL).This is on top of a WHOLE lot of different drama and complaining from his mom and sister about anything and everything wedding related.... When they start complaining about everything, make it on a need to know basis.  If your FI wants them to know a decision you've made, have him be the one to keep them updated.

Tiffany618

Wow... not that it matters, but was a reason given that nephew did not have a babysitter?  (didn't show up or something?) I agree that you personally should choose your battles with your future in-laws, but there is no reason AT ALL that FI shouldn't seriously take this up with his mother and sister to let them know that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated at any other wedding related functions, or they will be asked to leave.

Cyndi&Nick

I also agree with PP...but I'm so super laid back and a total pushover at times, so it is VERY rare that I speak up if something makes me mad. But...when I do finally hit my limit...you better watch out! By the time I get to the point where I'll say something to someone, anyone else would have already knocked them out. I just really hate controversy and I avoid it at all costs.

callie_knot

I would be more than upset. I dont know your FILs but I suspect since they were hosting that they thought you would be gracious and just accept the shower and ignore the baby. It also may be that they didn't want to upset the FSIL (if they know her temper) by saying "sorry you'll have to go". They may ahve thought that keeping peace and happiness at the shower was better than someone causing a scene or pouting all night.I do think you need to take a stand gradually and gently or with your FSIL or you'll always be the one who "goes along" and never gets to have anything they want.My aunt is very much like your FSIL and she rules at all family events. Her way or no way. I hate that and in the past ten years we get together for Christmas and Thanksgiving less and less. Maybe once every 4 years. Used to be every holiday. But she wants to assign people what to bring (including specific recipes sometimes!) and she makes all the kids (including those of us over 18) sit at the kids table (except her son go figure). And she is just generally unpleasant to be around. She loses her temper and storms off at the drop of a hat. My mom has become the nice pushover who just goes along and it really bothers me.

juliebug1997

I probably would have just let it go but I would have also pushed FI to talk to his mom after the fact about going against our wishes.I agree with shortgirl.  Keep the wedding details about the wedding on a need to know basis.

loveypants

thanks all of you.  FI hates the conflict.  He has learned that to deal with the 2 of them he just lets them do what they want.  I am talking to him about needing to stand up for us.  there was NO reason given!!  They didn't even address that he was there!  When FI called that morning they told him that he would be with a babysitter, worst case FGMIL would take him instead of being at the shower.  But they were all at the shower and NOTHING was said.  That is what makes me mad the most.  I just want tings fair.  Now my mom is beyond pissed.  She is already tired of all the crap they have pulled and now she says that she will not having anything to do with them except reahearsal dinner and wedding day.  Her point was that she didn't have her grandchildren at the shower, why did FMIL have hers?  I am so so so tired of their crap.  FMIL and FSIL are the ONLY thing FI and I fight about.

loveypants

also plus and,Their wedding knowledge is 100% on a need to know basis.  But FSIL got pissed anout wedding date and screamed on the phone to FI 'I don't give a f... if I am in your wedding or at your wedding F... you!"  I have an old post somewhere around here about here drama with the bridesmaid dress I picked. (she told my other bridesmaids to cancel their orders, b/c she wanted to pick something different)FMIL has all sorts of the same stuff.

Mariah&Steven

Oh geez...they sound like peaches.

juliebug1997

While we didn't "fight" about what his parents were doing/saying in regards to our wedding and the RD, it was a great source of stress.  He would listen as I vented.  Many of the times, things worked out but I still hold some anger against them.  He knows this and he listens when I talk about it.  I told him that, someday, I would get over it or past it.Why did FSIL not like the date?  I hope your FI backed you up on the dress issue.  They sound a bit out of control.  One more question:  is your FI the baby or the only boy?

shortgirltx

FMIL and FSIL are the ONLY thing FI and I fight about.Ditto minus the FSIL.  I'm sorry they are being this way.  It's supposed to be a happy time in your life and they are being pains about this!  We're kinda going through the same thing in that your FI has found a way to deal with it but it's not working for you as a couple and we are trying to find a way to make it work for us. 

loveypants

FI did back me up on the dress.  I was really really nice about it.  I told her she could add straps if it made her feel better.  and that she could change for the reception.FI and I asked all of our OOT really close people which out of 2 weekends would be better for them.  Most said Dec. 5th.  FSIL said either was totally fine but maybe the 12th would be a little better but she didn't care. We picked 5th b/c it was better for everyone.  She flipped out and asked why we asked her opinion if we don't care about it.  That she didn't want to come, that our wedding was going to bve ugly and horrible.FI is only boy to a mom who adores him.  Like does creepy things that I get a little grossed out about.  and stares at him all the time.  eww

juliebug1997

My DH is the oldest and I posted recently about the mother/son dance and the morning after when we were saying goodbye.  Just because you ask someone's opinion doesn't mean you have to follow their advice.  Why does she think your wedding is going to be ugly?  I think a Christmas time wedding is one of the most beautiful! 

Tiffany618

Ooh wow.  If someone told me or FI that "they don't give a F.." about whether they come to my wedding I'd tell them then they can stay the "F" at home.  Ok, I would never actually say that....but it would be made clear that they are more than welcome to stay home...and they would definitely no longer be in my wedding party.That is just unacceptable to me.  I don't care if it is his sister... I would do that to my own sister if I had one probably.

shortgirltx

She probably said it was ugly because she didn't get her way!  Drama queen??  You're danged if you do and danged if you don't with her, it seems.  You could have very well chosen the 12th and your wedding would still be horrible and ugly   She'll complain regardless so do what's best for you and FI.

loveypants

I told FI that I would never forget how FSIL treated him that day.  She says it is going to be ugly b/c my colors are black, red and champagne and I let the BM vote on a color black or red for their dresses.  All of them besides FSIL picked black.  I picked a black dress with a champagne sash and red roses.  She says its the most ugly thing she has ever heard and that they are going to look like they are at a funeral.

juliebug1997

I think it sounds beautiful!

loveypants

thank you!  now I am trying to decide if I should email FMIL about this situation or if I should make FI talk to her.  He would rather I do it for several reasons.

Tiffany618

While I'm not sure what to tell you about who should confront her, someone definitely needs to.  Maybe you should both meet her in person and discuss this.   Not sure email is going to be effective in getting the message through.She needs to be aware of her daughter's behavior (even though her daughter is an adult) so she may be more understanding of you and FI's side of the story.   Right now I'm betting she thinks your a bridezilla because she is only hearing FSIL's side of the story.

loveypants

I wish that were the case, but she has been right in the middle of all the fights with FSIL and knows both sides of the story.  FSIL flippes out on FMIL also.  All the time.  The whole family just deals with it and says,  "well thats FSIL" When FSIL got mad about the date she called FMIL and told her to call FI and MAKE him change it haha

shortgirltx

If your FMIL is anything like mine, email might make it worse and she'll read into it more than she would if you two sat down with her.  I know it's a lot easier to email but it just seems to make it even worse with FMIL, not that in person was much better

Tiffany618

Oh my goodness!   Well I have no idea what to tell you.  Maybe it is best to sit down with FI and firecracker FSIL and tell her straight up the way she is acting is disrespectful and won't be tolerated...put her on notice that she either needs to act like she wants to be a part of YOUR day or she will be excused.

juliebug1997

I agree with the other posts about not emailing.  Call her, take her out for lunch or something.  It sounds like your FSIL is holding the whole family hostage.

loveypants

thanks girls.  I think that we will have a meeting. 

emimayor

I'm sorry, but I think it is kind of funny that she said your wedding would be horrible and ugly. Not because I agree with her, but that is the most immature thing to say. She sounds like a child trying to fight back. Her behavior is beyond ridiculous and one that I would just laugh off. I wouldn't even give her the attention a meeting would deserve. She has made it clear that she is not loyal and doesn't have any common courtesy. Why should you show her any when it will more than likely upset you and your FI more than it will her. My experience with these types of people are to ignore them. She'll always be your FI's sister, but you, nor anyone else has to put up with antics that she has displayed. Continue planning your beautiful wedding, have your wedding party do FSIL control, and enjoy every minute of being engaged.

loveypants

emi - very true!  She throws tantrums like a 4 year old just with lots of f... you's thrown in.My other 4 bridesmaids are reasy to pounce.  I think that they want her to do something so that they can stand up for me.  They always tell me I don't stand up for myself.  She is in for it if she tries to throw a tantrum December... It will be a FSIL smack-down!

emimayor

How old is your FSIL?

loveypants

She Just turned 23.  She and FMIL are both so controlling.FSIL has a rage issue thats out of this world.  MIL has control issues.  she questions and has an opinion on everything.  she didn't like my hoodie's that I wore in the winter so she bought me a jacket.  She told me that she didn't like the sleep shirt I wore around my house so she bought me a victoria's secret one.  Told us that if we didn't have alcohol at our wedding she would be too embarrassed to have her friends come, so she is buying alcohol.....