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So speechless... I cried

Had a super amazing day with my bridal party. We got both their dresses and got a killer deal. drove home in bad weather and when I finally get around to checking my phone I hav a message (on FB) from a childhood friend. We been friends since we were 4, she was my MOH in my first wedding but since then we've taken different paths. She's in her 30s lives at home with her parents, parties all the time, has spent prob 3 years in jail (in spurts). I've seen her once in 3 1/2 years. She will always matter to me but I'm at a point in my life I need to distance myself from the negative people who bring me down ya know?

So the message she sent me said "when are WE to expect our invitation to the wedding. We were at the first so its only right we be at the second". By WE she means her, her parents (live together but dad has openly has a girlfriend for the last 5+ yrs), her 3 siblings (all have had trouble with the law/drugs).

I've already told her that we are limiiting or guest list to mostly family as we want a very small affair TWICE yet she keeps asking.

May sound aweful of me but she's my friend but I prefer a distance ya know? We have history but people change, I've changed. Not to mention my FI is a cop so having people there with felony records isn't that bright of an idea to me (our BM is a cop too as are half our guests).

I was so upset over this message I called my friend crying about how I'm tired of ppl trying to invite themselves to the wedding.

I don't even know how to respond so I just haven't!

Thanks for letting me rant! I am so ready for invites to be out in the mail. Guest list is final, they are addressed, stamped and ready to go just waiting for the mailing date to get here.

Re: So speechless... I cried

  • If you don't want her there don't invite her. Plain and simple. However I have no idea what having a record has to do with anything, a cop doesn't hate people because they have a record, that's just dumb.
  • freebread03freebread03 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2013
    You obviously don't have to invite her, and should continue to say that you're having a small wedding and weren't able to invite everyone you would have liked to. I don't understand what your FI or his friends being cops have to do with this or why you felt the need to mention it. People with criminal records can be around police and vice versa. While I would think you would know this by now, cops need probable cause of an illegal act being committed or that i was committed to arrest - don't just arrest people with records just because. My FI is a cop too and can totally handle himself around people with criminal recordsI hope yours can too.

    Edited for crummy iphone punctuation.
  • If you don't want to invite her because you don't feel as close to her as you used to for whatever reason, that's fine.

    But please don't try to act like your FI or anyone on your guest list being a cop is a valid reason to not invite to her. Unless one of them actually arrested her, their career choices and her record are completely independent variables. It'd be like saying that your FI does HVAC for a living, so you can't invite a friend of yours because they don't have central air.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*

  • If you've already told her twice that she's not invited I wouldn't respond to this message. When her invitation doesn't come in the mail she may try to contact you again but I think again I just wouldn't respond. You've already explained it, what more could you say?

    Re: the cop thing, are you afraid these people would engage in illegal activities at the wedding and then your guests may have to arrest her? It sounds like you don't want her there regardless so I wouldn't let your fi's profession affect your decision.
  • Actually, (and I know this isn't for EVERYONE out there), but most every person I know with a criminal history, is STILL somehow involved in a criminal act. I don't associate with them, and if I were having plenty of cops at my wedding, I wouldn't want them there either. I have people I know from school, I'm scared of being seen tt at the bar, b/c a small town, and small minded cops WILL seek out those their suspects entangle with. I'd CUT a b****, if somehow they happened to get pulled over or "found" at my wedding, b/c then, guess what? Cops have the legal right to question ALL PRESENT. Yeah, I'd SOOO want to end my day with "how do you know the suspect, why are they here, what's your usual relationship with them". That stuff gets ugly. Plus, a cop isn't gonna want KNOWN criminals at his event. She's trying to distance herself from these people, and if other cops have arrested them, they're gonna be like WTF, how do you know "them"?!

    My son's father, happens to have the SAME EXACT NAME of some "big deal, small town" dealer where my mom lives. When the cops saw the registration in my car w/ XH's name on it, they detained me at my car, called 2 more cops, and questioned me in the RAIN at my tailgate for almost an hour, on Xmas night. Now, every damned time I go somewhere up there, and that a-hole good ole boy that pulled me over sees me, he follows me. I literally have to take the LOOONG way to wherever, just to hurry up and cross county lines, otherwise, he follows me to my destination or pulls me over for NO reason, just to ask how my "baby daddy" is. IDK the guy!!!
  • edited January 2013
    Cheetah thank you that's exactly it. I leave her on my FB bc I've known her forever but I can honestly say we aren't close, she doesn't know my kids names if she were to see them and she still likes to get high and see what things she can snatch from a store without getting caught. I tell myself she is still that loving person that I knew in our youth but I guess seeing her activities on Facebook is a reminder of who I'm not and why I left that small town and never went back. I chose a different Path and I'm proud of myself for that! My past or not, I don't knowingly associate in close range with people with criminal records. My own cousin came to my house, FI met her, she saw my kids, made a bunch of promises. We walk her out, FI goes back in and she lit a bowl IN MY DRIVEWAY before driving off. I told her do not do that on my property or around me. I haven't seen her since, no regrets! She's gone to rehab twice and fallen off the wagon twice. I don't need that in my life. For now I'm just avoiding her questions bc I've said it twice, kinda grown tired of repeating myself
  • Are your parents' names on the top line of your invitation, as the people who are requesting the guests' presence?  Then the invitations are coming from your parents.

    Have your mom (the host of the event) call this girl's mom, and say simply that wh3'w dqllint in response to a question about the guest list, and she's sorry but the guest list for this family-based wedding could not be extended.

    And if her mom says something like, "Well, we were invited to the first one so we have to be invited to the second one..."  - Your mom can say:

    "The large size of the first wedding is exactly the reason why this second wedding has to be much smaller."
  • No they are not. As our parents aren't involved in any of the planning. FI and I are hoting all of it. We considered putting my parents names as hosting but my mother saying "I paid for 1 I'm not paying for anther" instead of CONGRATS blew that out of the water. The first one was. 40 person in Vegas wedding, most guests I didn't even know. I will never forget introducing myself to someone thinking it was the grooms side, only to find out it was MY side. My mother used it as her social event not a wedding, her friends were invited over mine. My mother is trying to invite ppl this time even saying "they will get you a great gift" but I'm standing firm, I could care less about the gifts (were total opposites in that aspect). Thank you for your suggestion though I do appreciate it. For now I'm letting it be. I've already said it a few times, I'm tired of repeating myself so I'm just to responding. We live in different counties and we won't cross paths as I never go back to my home town anymore so I'm trying to just let it go.
  • Im going through something similar.  Though my friend doesnt have a criminal record (and I understand completely about what your saying about them being there with a lot of cops because it does cause issues.  I have family members who are cops and I know what kind of tension that brings especially on a day such as your wedding) She's still not someone I want there.  I was at her wedding but shortly after I found out her husband was cheating on her (from her) and she was pregnant.  Her husband (who does have a criminal record) also has a son of his own from a previous marriage and I did not appreciate the way he was treated while I was visiting one day.  Long story short, I have kept my distance from her and I have no intentions of inviting her or her family (parents included) to my wedding.  My FI doesn't like them and they are quite the flaky bunch as well.  Its a very rough situation to deal with but try not to let yourself get emotional over it and cause yourself more stress than necessary.  Just stand your ground and she'll get it eventually.  The good thing is, if she tries to show up on the day and cause a scene (if shes that type of person idk), at least you have plenty of cops there to escort them out peacefully. :) Good luck with everything!
  • Don't feel bad. I am having a small wedding, and I am not inviting ALOT of my friends. I'm inviting about 6 friends and FI is inviting about 3 or 4. Other friends of ours that we havent seen in a long time, ones that havent been very supportive or ones that we feel cant behave around our families... they aren't invited. I dont feel bad AT ALL because it is OUR day. Just like it is YOUR day and you will choose to celebrate your day with the people that uplift you and are there for you! You don't want any loose canons or crazy people spoiling your special day!! 
    ~Happy Wife.... Happy Life~
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