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In Law Problem

My future in laws are bad. They never make me feel comfortable and they're always establishing crazy rules the few rare times I'm over at their house (like no horseplay or sitting too close to my Fiance. But this time is that final straw and I could use some help.

His parents and my parents met for the first time tonight and needless to say, it did not go well. We were informed that if we don't get married in a Catholic Church then they will not approve of our marriage. Never mind the fact that they were completely silent about our engagement for about six months and now they're voicing this after everything important has been booked and at least half paid for for October 2nd. Now they're telling us that they will disapprove, boycott the wedding, and disown their own son.

So apparently the Fi and I have a decision to make about this. Go with the original wedding or have a Catholic wedding. I'm not a Catholic, I'm not particularly fond of the religion but I respect those who are (including my parents and I sometimes attend church with them) and I don't think I'd be willing to convert to a religion I don't agree with. As well, we'd lose all the money put down for these places as well as wasted money on things already sent with the date of our wedding engraved on it. Plus I don't want to do anything for his parents because of the ugly situation they put us through. They are being completely unreasonable and they only reason they gave me about it all was "because he was an alter boy"

What is it that we should do? I want to have our wedding on October 2nd like it was originally intended, my boy said he wants me to be happy, but someone (either me or him) is going to walk away very unhappy with this all and it's just going to make our lives miserable. What a way to start married life...
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Re: In Law Problem

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    I've never been a fan of ultimatums, especially from people who have no business giving you one.  Obviously how your FI feels about the issue will be a major factor but if it were my parents coming at me with this after everything had already been booked for months, they knew all the plans and then later on tell me they'd not attend my wedding and/or cut off all communication with me because they have an issue with how I've chosen to get married, then I'd say good riddance, call me if you change your mind and I'll let you know if we still have space for you.  Really going to have to depend on what your FI wants to do though; if he feels strongly about not burning bridges with his parents and thinks their threat is serious, you may have to eat those deposits and change your whole wedding around.

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    It sounds like your FI needs to set some boundaries with his parents. Does he still live with them? And how do they define "horseplay"? That particular part of your post seemed really strange to me.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:9e9b3827-7e43-4733-bd86-56889afddc41">Re: In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like your FI needs to set some boundaries with his parents. Does he still live with them?<strong> And how do they define "horseplay"?</strong> That particular part of your post seemed really strange to me.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]


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    OP, you need to talk with FI to get his take on the whole thing. They're his parents and if any arguing needs to be done, he should do it.

    I'm not religeous, so I completely see where you're coming from about not wanting a Catholic ceremony, however if it's something your FI <strong>really</strong> wants, you might want to consider coming to some kind of compromise as long is it doesn't involve changing your date or losing any deposits.
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    I was thinking more along the lines of freeze tag, but you're right, tickle fights seem more plausible.
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    Your inlaws sound like my stepfather. I feel your pain about the new rules and silent disapproval. It irks the shiit out of me. 

    I also agree with PPs that your FI needs to deal with them and set boundaries. Presumably he is an adult. If he lives with is parents, he needs to move out. If he doesn't then they don't get to tell him how to live his life anylonger. He may want to remind them that Christians are  supposed to have forgiving hearts, and that God always takes substance over form. IMO, As long as your husband has faith and lives his life according to the 10 commandments as well as the "love thy neighbor" tennent, then I don't think God cares if he reveres the Pope, or confesses to a priest instead of directly to God.

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    No advice in the world will be beneficial until you tell us where your FI is in all of this.
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    Tell them to shove their rules and ultimatums up their ass!  How old are you guys that they are giving you "rules"?  You and FIs are adults and need to just tell his parents no.  I seriously doubt that they would disown their son and not come to the wedding.  I think they are bluffing. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:1f528352-1feb-4d07-b5d2-00c2f4b3a6d8">In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]My future in laws are bad. They never make me feel comfortable and they're always establishing crazy rules the few rare times I'm over at their house (like no horseplay or sitting too close to my Fiance. But this time is that final straw and I could use some help. His parents and my parents met for the first time tonight and needless to say, it did not go well. We were informed that if we don't get married in a Catholic Church then they will not approve of our marriage. Never mind the fact that they were completely silent about our engagement for about six months and now they're voicing this after everything important has been booked and at least half paid for for October 2nd. Now they're telling us that they will disapprove, boycott the wedding, and disown their own son. So apparently the Fi and I have a decision to make about this. Go with the original wedding or have a Catholic wedding. I'm not a Catholic, I'm not particularly fond of the religion but I respect those who are (including my parents and I sometimes attend church with them) and I don't think I'd be willing to convert to a religion I don't agree with. As well, we'd lose all the money put down for these places as well as wasted money on things already sent with the date of our wedding engraved on it. Plus I don't want to do anything for his parents because of the ugly situation they put us through. They are being completely unreasonable and they only reason they gave me about it all was "because he was an alter boy" What is it that we should do? I want to have our wedding on October 2nd like it was originally intended, my boy said he wants me to be happy, but someone (either me or him) is going to walk away very unhappy with this all and it's just going to make our lives miserable. What a way to start married life...
    Posted by a-bride-to-be![/QUOTE]

    How does your FI feel?  Does he REALLY want a Catholic marriage, or is he just entertaining the idea to placate his parents?

    If HE wants a Catholic marriage, then the two of you need to find a compromise.  If he's just trying to keep the peace, then the two of you need to have a long talk.  There is NO REASON that you should compromise your beliefs to have a wedding that his parents want. 

    Your FI has a decision to make.  EIther his parents are bluffing in order to manipulate the two of you, or they are serious about disowning him.  He needs to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for, and if it is, be prepared to either call his parents' bluff or be disowned.  

    If his parents have contributed in any way financially, then return their money, so they do not feel as though they have a right to dictate this aspect of your wedding.

    It's my personal opinion that once you decide to marry someone, that relationship becomes the primary relationship in your life.  If others put unreasonable demands, expectations, or ultimatums on the relationship, then they may find themselves excluded from future interaction.    
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    First of all, if you are at their house you have to abide by the rules of their house, no matter how old you are.  If you don't like their rules stop going over to their house.  If your FI doesn't like their rules he needs to move out.  This applies to any rules regarding behavior under their roof.

    Beyond that, I agree with Ziti that we need to know where your FI stands on the issues before we can give you advice.
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    To an extent, you do have to follow the rules in someone else's house. For instance, when H and I first started dating my mom wanted no talk of us sleeping over at each other's houses (she still likes to think of me as some innocent little girl). There was also a strict 'no making out on the couch' rule (I think that one was more for my little brother and his girlfriend). But if they are just trying to keep you apart, then that's ridiculous.

    Like PP said, your FI needs to step in. If he wants the Catholic wedding then you do need to compromise, but if his parents are just being a-holes than he should say something. I also think they're bluffing, but regardless they need to be called out on their sh!t.
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    I'm sorry to hear you are in this position!  I agree with PP that you need to discuss this with your FI because it is his parents he will "lose". 

    There are Catholic priests out there who will marry a Catholic and a nonCaltholic.  Maybe you can both have your planned wedding, then have a small ceremony in a church that won't cost that much to make it "official" in his parent's eyes?  Of course, that is if BOTH of you feel comfortable with this. 

    I'm in a similar situation:  FI and I were both raised Roman Catholic, but neither of us believe in the religion.  I'm agonistic - strongly, and he is very very very atheist.  His mom called crying saying "your father won't recognize the marriage unless it is in a church!"  But FI is so adamant about being atheist that he doesn't care what his father thinks.  We are lucky, though, b/c FFIL seems to have gotten over it and introduces me as his daughter-in-law all the time.

     Hopefully, over time, your in-laws will see that they will lose more than they will gain by this ultimatum.   Especially when grandkids come along!

    Good luck!
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    PS - I just realized, did this conversation go down during the meeting of your parents for the first time??

    Awkward!  So sorry!!! 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:c5c739f9-b5cc-40e2-9ad1-0aae85b8733d">Re: In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to In Law Problem : How does your FI feel?  Does he REALLY want a Catholic marriage, or is he just entertaining the idea to placate his parents? If HE wants a Catholic marriage, then the two of you need to find a compromise.  If he's just trying to keep the peace, then the two of you need to have a long talk.  There is NO REASON that you should compromise your beliefs to have a wedding that his parents want.  Your FI has a decision to make.  EIther his parents are bluffing in order to manipulate the two of you, or they are serious about disowning him.  He needs to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for, and if it is, be prepared to either call his parents' bluff or be disowned.   If his parents have contributed in any way financially, then return their money, so they do not feel as though they have a right to dictate this aspect of your wedding. It's my personal opinion that once you decide to marry someone, that relationship becomes the primary relationship in your life.  If others put unreasonable demands, expectations, or ultimatums on the relationship, then they may find themselves excluded from future interaction.    
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    I agree....

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:c5c739f9-b5cc-40e2-9ad1-0aae85b8733d">Re: In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to In Law Problem : How does your FI feel?  Does he REALLY want a Catholic marriage, or is he just entertaining the idea to placate his parents? If HE wants a Catholic marriage, then the two of you need to find a compromise.  If he's just trying to keep the peace, then the two of you need to have a long talk.  There is NO REASON that you should compromise your beliefs to have a wedding that his parents want.  Your FI has a decision to make.  EIther his parents are bluffing in order to manipulate the two of you, or they are serious about disowning him.  He needs to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for, and if it is, be prepared to either call his parents' bluff or be disowned.   If his parents have contributed in any way financially, then return their money, so they do not feel as though they have a right to dictate this aspect of your wedding. It's my personal opinion that once you decide to marry someone, that relationship becomes the primary relationship in your life.  If others put unreasonable demands, expectations, or ultimatums on the relationship, then they may find themselves excluded from future interaction.    
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    I agree with all of this, and I want to add that you don't have to convert to Catholicism to get married in many Catholic churches anymore.

    Also?  The "rules" seem quite odd and more like something parents would have when you guys were 15, not when you're of legal age to wed.

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    Is he Catholic?  If he is a practicing Catholic, I believe he won't be married according to the Catholic church unless his wedding took place in a Catholic church.  So if he is active in that faith, you may want to talk to his priest. 

    Only one party has to be Catholic to be married in the Catholic church.  My parents had an interdenominational wedding with a Catholic priest and a Presbyterian minister because only one is Catholic.  The other did not have to convert.  You might have to have been baptized in a Christian church but I'm not too certain of that one.

    But if your FI is not Catholic or care about getting married in a Catholic church, it's up to him whether to give in to his parents.
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    J&K10910J&K10910 member
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    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:43f2b4e0-89fe-4cea-8a02-1a79297cb5c5">Re: In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is he Catholic?  If he is a practicing Catholic, I believe he won't be married according to the Catholic church unless his wedding took place in a Catholic church.  So if he is active in that faith, you may want to talk to his priest.  Only one party has to be Catholic to be married in the Catholic church.  My parents had an interdenominational wedding with a Catholic priest and a Presbyterian minister because only one is Catholic.  The other did not have to convert.  You might have to have been baptized in a Christian church but I'm not too certain of that one. <strong>But if your FI is not Catholic or care about getting married in a Catholic church, it's up to him whether to give in to his parents.</strong>
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with this completely.  If your FI is not Catholic or doesn't care about getting married in a Catholic church, btu then still insists on it, he's choosing placating his ridiculous parents over your wishes, and that's not ok.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:55e8ab24-f9ec-484e-a342-0b313cb97616">Re: In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: In Law Problem : I disagree with this completely.  If your FI is not Catholic or doesn't care about getting married in a Catholic church, btu then still insists on it, he's choosing placating his ridiculous parents over your wishes, and that's not ok.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    ^^This^^

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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    I'm not really sure what's up with me, being all helpful and advice giving and stuff lately.  It's scary. 

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    I like it.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    Good, maybe I'll keep it.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:af4e5cc3-a808-4396-b892-f0a9d23eeb8cPost:1f528352-1feb-4d07-b5d2-00c2f4b3a6d8">In Law Problem</a>:
    [QUOTE]My future in laws are bad. They never make me feel comfortable and they're always establishing crazy rules the few rare times I'm over at their house (like no horseplay or sitting too close to my Fiance. But this time is that final straw and I could use some help. His parents and my parents met for the first time tonight and needless to say, it did not go well. <strong>We were informed that if we don't get married in a Catholic Church then they will not approve of our marriage.</strong> Never mind the fact that they were completely silent about our engagement for about six months and now they're voicing this after everything important has been booked and at least half paid for for October 2nd. Now they're telling us that they will disapprove, boycott the wedding, and disown their own son. So apparently the Fi and I have a decision to make about this. Go with the original wedding or have a Catholic wedding.<strong> I'm not a Catholic, I'm not particularly fond of the religion but I respect those who are (including my parents and I sometimes attend church with them) and I don't think I'd be willing to convert to a religion I don't agree with.</strong> As well, we'd lose all the money put down for these places as well as wasted money on things already sent with the date of our wedding engraved on it. Plus I don't want to do anything for his parents because of the ugly situation they put us through. They are being completely unreasonable and they only reason they gave me about it all was "because he was an alter boy" What is it that we should do? I want to have our wedding on October 2nd like it was originally intended, my boy said he wants me to be happy, but someone (either me or him) is going to walk away very unhappy with this all and it's just going to make our lives miserable. What a way to start married life...
    Posted by a-bride-to-be![/QUOTE]

    1) Since when do two adults need approval from their parents to get married? It would be nice if they approve but its not necessary. Its the 21st Century...do what you want to do.

    2) Even if you were willing to convert you don't have time between now and October 2. Its a long process (if you do it right). Some priests may marry you if one of the parties is Catholic, but to do it in a Catholic Church I'm pretty sure you both need to be Catholic (individual priests don't set the rules for their chuch; the Archdiocese in that area makes the rules, and a lot of them don't allow non-Catholics to be married in the chuch).

    You need to have a serious talk with your fiance about what he wants. Since he didn't say anything about a church wedding before, it seems like he doesn't want one. If he gives in now just to placate his parents, imagine what might happen when you have kids. I wouldn't change a thing if you have deposits on things and have sent out any information to guests about the wedding.

    Good luck!
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    The FI does live with his parents currently, but we are in the process of closing in on a place so that he can get the hell out of there. His position is that he doesn't care what his parents think, but the disownment part of the ultimatum is giving him pause. After all, they are his parents. He doesn't have a good relationship with his mom, but his dad and him are close. He knows that his dad doesn't give two fig leaves over the whole Catholic situation, but if he wants his wife to shut up about the whole thing, then he'll be united with her, even though it's under the wrong, placating circumstances.

    He is Catholic and he's a sporadic practicer. He said he doesn't care that he won't be able to take communion if it's decided that we're going ahead with the October date anyway. His parents had their heads buried in the sand the last 8 months we've been engaged and now they're trying to make us change everything. They haven't contributed a dime, haven't planned out anything, but yet "money is not an issue here" when it's not their money and my parents have already spent into the thousands with GREAT deals that we'd never get back.

    I'm willing to tell them to go suck my toe and don't bother showing up to the wedding. The FI  says he's agreement with all this, but you can just see the pain in his eyes over the thought of being disowned by this father. He said he wants me to be happy, but after all this that went down last night (with the first meeting of the parents nonetheless), this wedding is no longer a joyous occasion and it will never be because someone is going to be unhappy, someone is going to get angry and it will probably be something that will cause us to resent each other.
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    I still think his parents are bluffing, especially if he is that close to his dad. Youcan bet that his dad won't miss his wedding day.
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    Sounds like you're clear between the two of you on how to handle it.  He clearly needs to be out of his parent's home and on his own.  You can definitely stand your ground on the ultimatum, because you don't want to spend the rest of your lives dealing with his parents and their ultimatums.  My instinct is that's the best course.

    If you did want to compromise, can you not ge the marriage "blessed" by the church too?  I'm not sure but I think you can do that.
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    Right now, my parents are at church asking a priest what the rules are. If we can get married by a catholic priest at our original site and date, then I can't see any problem with that. But if his parents are so hell bent over this "must be married Catholic" then they can fork over the money to pay for said priest to come and perform the ceremony.
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    J&K, I only said that because disownment seems pretty serious.  I agree that it would be pretty crappy of him to decide to give in to his parents if OP really wants the original ceremony site or isn't entirely comfortable with a Catholic wedding, but if disownment is in the picture and he is otherwise close to one or both parents.  I just don't think it's a decision to be made lightly and OP seemed to have some confusion about what a Catholic wedding would mean for her in terms of conversion.  If disownment were not in the picture, I think it would be completely absurd for him to consider giving in to his parents when his FI is not a fan of the idea.

    Ditto Sarah though, that it's possible that they're bluffing.  But not having met his parents, who knows.
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    I guess my problem with changing everything to please his mother is that, when is he going to tell her no.  If you give in once, she will do this same thing over and over throughout your lives to try to get her way. 
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    I'm Catholic, and I'm offended by what his parents are saying to him/you about your marriage.  Using ultimatums is no way to parent adult children.  If you've been engaged for 8 months, and now they're speaking up about getting married in the church three months before the wedding date, they're being manipulative.  (As any good Catholic knows, there's usually a mandatory 6 month required premarital counseling period.)

    If your FI and his father are so close, there's no way he'd be threatening to disown your FI.  If he is, their relationship is build on a foundation of sand.

    Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic church.  Your FI would be insulting the religion far more by going through the sacrament against his will than if he had an honest conversation with his parents about his beliefs and wishes and married outside of the church.
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    If you two start cow towing to their demands now, you will be doing it for the rest of your lives together.  You both  need to stand up to them in a united front and put your foot down.  That behaviour from them is complete b.s.  This is supposed to be a marriage between two people.  NOT two people and his parents, I'm especially outraged because you're not even CATHOLIC!! and you're going to be losing money for a religious ceremony that you aren't even a member of?  Do they have any flipping idea what the Church requires of you in order to marry into it?  People don't suddenly wake up one day and say "Oh I think I'll be Catholic today".   Lets talk about doing something that you may not even believe in...sorry getting pisssed off now, I'll stop ranting.  

    I think it's couragous and honorable of both of you to consider this and your FI needs to make some serious decisions here but if it was me, I'd be telling them not to slam the door on their assssess on the way out. 

    I have a feeling that they may be threatening now but if you both show that you're not going to tolerate it they will cave in and show up.  Sorry but this could have easily been worked out months ago when you got engaged, before you started putting deposits down.  Furthermore, if your going to consider this then I'd be telling them "fine, but we are losing money on this now, so all the money lost you're going to pay us back for and any extra expense because this is a religious ceremony of your choice, you are paying for".  The money is not really the point here though, the principle is everything in this case! 

    Good luck with that one. 
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