Which would be worse?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Kinda morbid - But I do wonder about this.

Last summer a classmate of mine from high school got married and a week later, she dropped dead.  I absolutely cannot imagine how horrifying that had to be for her husband - to look into the face of the woman you love and promise to love her forever, and a week later be planning her funeral.

My grandfather recently passed - he was 80 years old, and he and my grandma were married for 55 years.  My grandma is very healthy and while likely live into her mid 90s, just like her mom did.  She is taking his death very hard since they lived a long, happy life together and it's difficult to go on alone after all that time.

Which would be worse?  Losing your spouse suddenly early on in life and not having a chance to make happy memories with your soul mate, or living a long happy life together and having your spouse go first?

Night_Sprite

I think it's harder to lose a loved one after you've built a life together.  She'll also have much reduced prospects of finding a new mate. 

LesPaul

Losing early, I think.  My Dad never recovered from losing my Mom at the age of 42.  They didn't get to finish their lives together, and he didn't want anyone else.

loop0406

Worse to me: Losing your spouse suddenly early on in life and not having a chance to make happy memories.

When you're older and spent that long together, you have many memories, pictures, videos, thoughts to look back on...Dying suddenly at young age is unexpected. I think if you're 80, you already know and brace yourself for that one 'sad day'

Celles

Maybe I'm being too sensitive (I overshared in another thread and am kind of twitchy right now), but it feels wrong to me to debate who is entitled to be more grieved.  Those are both sad, sad situations. 

vegasgroom

I think losing the spouse of 50+ years is harder because in many cases you lose the will to live at that point; my grandma, who was reasonably healthy for someone in her 80's, died a month after my grandfather died, and actually just about two days after the last grand child had gone to see her, so basically with him gone she didn't want to live, got sick, waiting to see all of us grand kids kept her going a little longer and then she gave up. 

katiewhompus

I wouldn't get over either situation, but I think losing him earlier would be absolutely devastating to me. To never accomplish our hopes and dreams as a couple, and to lose everything that we had together...just the thought really makes me want to cry.

september's bride

Losing a spouse late in life, I think is worse. I watched DH's grandpa wail for his wife, and part of the problem was that the entire routine that they had built together for 60 years was gone. He didn't know who was going to be able to set his pills out, who was going to help him make coffee in the morning, etc. It seems trivial, maybe, but those were the building blocks of his life, and suddenly they're gone. I think the ability to regroup and move on is harder, too, the older you get.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

They both look awful.  I've told my fiance that he's not allowed to die until I'm gone - or, we can just die together, old, like Allie and Noah from the Notebook.

GreenPepperBurger

Both are terrible, I would say losing your spouse early because it's most likely very unexpected. At least if you're elderly, you have the memories to hold onto.

I have very bad death-related anxiety. I should not have read this thread.

Mioh1

wow that is morbid...
and I think in general it would be a great loss because in the beginning you have a lot of what if's, since you were barely going to start a life together. And when you're old you feel like you're missing a part of yourself. Does someone ever get over their spouse passing away unexpectedly? I think even if they re-marry you still remember =/

mocha beans

I think it would be worse for me to lose him early on.  I'd rather have 50 years of good memories to hold on to, rather than spend the next 50 years imagining what we could have done.

npasquale16

Wow, I really can't decide.  I guess, while planning our marriage and life together, I've definitely come to count on having a partner with me for the rest of my life.  So losing him early on would be devastating because I would never get to achieve the goals and dreams we've made for ourselves. 

I also have death anxiety,GreenPep.  And now FI won't be home till really late because he has a volleyball double header.

missy68

I don't think they're comparable. My grandmother lost my grandfather 23 years ago - they'd been married 42 years. My other grandparents got to their 60th anniversary I think, but my grandfather had Alzheimer's from the 50th on (you can see the vacant look in the picture). She now has it, and has 24/7 care.

And one of the bridesmaids in my first wedding (who'd only been married maybe 4 -5 years to her 2nd husband who absolutely adored her) died just before I met John. Her husband is still grieving. I can't even describe the email he sent me when I asked how he was doing.

They are all different kinds of grief. And for my mom's mom, there was some relief built in, because Grandaddy had been suffering for a long time.

[Deleted User]

Ugh, they're both terrible. If you lost your spouse early, you have to figure out how to move on while dealing with grief and love. Some never move on at all. If you lose later in life, then you're losing the person you've spent the past 40 or 50 years with.

I think I'd rather live a long life together. When my great-grandma died a few months ago, my great-grandpa said he wouldn't trade their life together for the world. He mourned until he died, which was about a month later, but he repeatedly said he didn't regret a thing and that she was the love of his life. I want that kind of love with DH, and a long life together. It may make it harder when death comes, but at the same time you have a lifetime of memories with the one you're meant to be with. Wow, that got sappy.

katiewhompus

I think it depends on the person too. I honestly don't know if I would ever get over Scott, no matter how old I was (nor do I want to test this ok world?). So for me it would be grieving for 70 years or grieving for 10 years. I've already informed him he has to live until he's 110.

AdeleDazeem

I firmly believe losing them early on would be much worse.  There are times when I become seriously concerned that Jay will die early and we'll never have a chance to have children or experience all the traveling we want to do.

My grandmother lost my grandfather after almost forty years.  He died the year before I was born, but I know how much she loved him.  She never took her wedding ring off and fondly tells us stories about him because we are his legacy.  I would rather be able to look back on a life well lived then wonder what could have been.

Nebb

I think both are equally horrible. Ill be honest, I dont like the idea of a life without my husband. I would struggle HARDCORE if he was to pass away now, I know that much. I dont even like thinking about it.

katiewhompus

I should not have read this thread when Scott still has 2 days until his life insurance kicks in. It is terrifying to think about. I would lose everything and need to find a new job in this economy. I just wouldn't even know how to pick myself up from that.

megk8oz

I really can't decide for other people, but I can say for myself-being 25 and married within the last year, that I think losing DH tomorrow would be way harder for me than losing him when we're 80. Right now, we have all of these dreams of getting a house and having babies and pets ... and if I lost him, I'd be losing those dreams. I know I'm young enough to meet somebody else and still realize these dreams ... but I don't know if I'd ever want to. In addition to being terrified that the same thing could happen again. that's the life I wanted to have with DH, not just the life I wanted to have.

Also, being blessed with having my grand and great-grandparents for most of my life, I've been able to see how they've handled a loss like that. My one grandmother died 3 years ago from cancer, and it left my grandfather a complete wreck. He died about 3 months ago ... and it may sound terrible, but most of the family is shocked that he held up as long as he did. My grandmother was his world, and we knew he couldn't live without her.

Meanwhile, my great-grandmother lost my great-grandfather 15 years ago, and it completely tore her up, but at the time she was 77 and still saw so many things worth hanging on and pushing forward for. She never remarried or anything like that (And I really don't think she ever would have no matter how young she was), but the majority of my family lives locally, so she's never really been left to be lonely. She's now 92 and only in the past year has her health started failing her, but even with that, she's still fiesty and as energetic as she can be.

So mainly, I think it just depends on the person.

tpender13

Early on I think would be worse. Yeah, you'll have time to find someone else, but if I get married this November and DH is gone before Christmas, I know I will spend the rest of my life thinking about what could have been.

When you're older, at least you are more prepared for people dying.

HKD817

Honestly, I dont want to choose either. I'm terrified of both. I've had dreams of my FI getting in a car accident before the wedding. I also worry about being a widow at a young age because my FI is 12 years older than I am. I'm not answering. I can't, I feel like wtvr I choose will jinx me

therockisblinding05

Is anyone else about to cry??

Knittibell

My husband was killed by an elderly driver a year and a month after our wedding.
He was 32, I was 28, the woman who killed him was 89.

So. I honestly think it's harder to lose someone in the way I did, and here's why.

We're all going to die. Having someone young with their entire lives ahead of them is no more or less sad, but it is far more TRAGIC than someone in their 80s dying.

When Adam was killed I didn't just lose my husband, I lost my entire life- I lost the children we'd imagined having and had already chosen names for, I lost my future. I was 28 years old, widowed and starting life at a deficit.

If you lose someone and you're 80 you don't feel like you have to get out there and struggle to go on. I am very fortunate that 5 years after my husband's death I'm engaged to an amazing guy who gets all my crazy and totally supports me. But if you're 80, you can welcome your grief in, when you're 28 you have to get your sh*t together and keep moving forward, because there's maybe a long, long time ahead of you, and you have to make that decision whether you want to do the easy thing and not care, or the hard thing- keep on living knowing part of you is ALWAYS going to be gone. He took it with him when he died.


When you lose someone after 50 years you have 50 years of memories, happy times, children and grandchildren who remind you of your spouse. That's a blessing.

On the day I realized he been dead for longer than I'd known him I spent the day in bed, out of my head with grief, and it'd been almost 4 years since his death.

I get older, I see life change, I watch his nephew grow up- he never will. His birthday remains the hardest day for me, far harder than anniversaries, etc.

I was woefully unprepared to be a widow- you just don't see it coming at our age. I joined a young widow's group- the next "youngest" widow was 57. I was jealous of all of them.

So, yeah, from my experience, losing someone young, when they're at the prime of their lives is the worst, it's such a shameful waste.

The fact that after her trial for vehicular homicide the bitch who killed my gorgeous husband said to me "I'm a widow, you'll get over it" wasn't much consolation.

katiewhompus

Damn Knitt I don't know how you didn't knock her out for saying that.

Knittibell

My father had to restrain my mother. In hindsight, I wish he hadn't bothered. Ugh.

ricksang

I don't know but the thought of losing my H is too painful to even think of. I would not be able to function for a very long time without him.

Marrin713

Well, at our ages (53 & 54), the vows "until death do you part" take on a whole new meaning than it did at 23.  My great fear is that we won't get as much time together as I'd like.  T, of course, doesn't think about things like that, but I also have death anxiety since my dad passed a few months ago.

Knittibell

Losing my dad scares the HELL out of me. I have horrible death anxiety, but not about my own. Losing my husband made me completely get over any fears I had about my own death. I'm just afraid of that grief coming back again.

Marrin713

Knitti - I still find it surreal that my dad is gone.  He was such a large part of my life even tho he's been in Florida for the last almost 20 years.  I've always been a bit on the morbid side so after he died the thoughts of death and after-life questions really hit me hard.  I am so sorry about your late husband!

Knittibell

I'm sorry about your Dad! My Dad is one of my closest friends and we talk every day. He really got me through losing my husband, who was like a son to him. I cannot bear the thought of losing him someday. It's nice- my dad and my late husband's dad are now best friends, even though FIL is in the UK. We all visit each other a couple of times a year, and it's wonderful. Family gets you through, definitely.