Job...

musicxstore

I had talked about getting a new job recently and everything's been going really well there, but I noticed FI had been acting very strange since I started working. I found out that he feels weird about me contributing money toward bills, etc., even though we live together (and, just for the record, I don't think he's okay with me making $800 more than he does per month) and that 'men should take care of their families' and so on. I think that's admirable, but that's not very realistic for our situation, as we've tried living on his salary alone and it was difficult. He finally admitted he's not really happy about me working, but I told him that I'm not quitting a job I started three days ago.

Has anyone else had this issue? How did you handle it? Any insight would be great?

chelseamb11

We don't have this issue cuz FI makes almost double I do lol.  But I think it's definitely something you guys need to address before it gets to be too much for either of you.  It's awesome that he wants to be the provider of the family, but I think your best approach will be a practical one.  Point out that you both will have a hard time making ends meet on just his salary.  If this is true, you can also point out that this situation is not permanent and that things could very well change down the road.  It's better to put money into savings now than to have a hard time making ends meet.  Open communication about your feelings and his feelings is aboslutely key.

Good luck!

pirategal03

Having the "money talk" was something H and I did before we started living together. (eta: which was before we were engaged, but after we'd started talking about marriage)  We made sure we were on the same page about "his" "mine" and "our" money, how we would split/not split bills, what we would do if one of us lost our job, what our savings plans are, etc.

You're just going to have to talk it out with your FI and get on the same page.  If he feels like his role is to take care of you, remind him that financially isn't the only way to do that.  

Is he not comfortable with you working at all? Or is it just this job?  

BecW2be

Why don't you map out a quick financial plan, and show him how much you can save each month towards something like a house or retirement or a baby while still helping with the bills, and let him know you also want your own money to buy things for yourself.

Or, buy him something as a bribe.

musicxstore

Thank you so much. It was really bothering me. I told him to give me at least six months to see how things go. Plus, he's in school right now and should be done in a few months, so I'd be willing to quit my job when/if he gets a better one.

MeaghanandMichael

One thing I might add that is worth it to think about is to really be honest about whether he is just trying to live up to a "provider" role or if he may be in anyway controling you. The answer to that makes a differene in how you approach this whole thing.

musicxstore

He doesn't want me working at all and that was fine when I was going to school, but now that I'm done I wanted to use my certification.

musicxstore

Meaghan - It's definitely a providing thing. He grew up with his mom not working/being a stay at home mom, so I think that's how he thinks things work, but we're not a position to do that now.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_job-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ba440c39-9318-448a-be95-d7f69a056abfPost:d0a29e89-7d7d-4e83-bd5c-5b6a2a2957d7">Re: Job...</a>:
[QUOTE]He doesn't want me working at all and that was fine when I was going to school, but now that I'm done I wanted to use my certification.
Posted by musicxstore[/QUOTE]

You should ask him why. If it's a simple "I want to provide for you", that's all well and good.  You should explain to him you want to work, not just for money reasons, but to find something you love to do.

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_job-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ba440c39-9318-448a-be95-d7f69a056abfPost:d0a29e89-7d7d-4e83-bd5c-5b6a2a2957d7">Re: Job...</a>:
[QUOTE]He doesn't want me working at all and that was fine when I was going to school, but now that I'm done I wanted to use my certification.
Posted by musicxstore[/QUOTE]

<div>Do YOU want to keep working?  Are you ok with giving up your career for him, or will you resent him for it later? </div><div>
</div><div> Honestly, if a S/O told me that he didn't want me to work at all just because he feels that's how it should be, that would be a deal breaker for ME.  Doesn't mean that it is/should be one for you.  But before you just up and quit your job, I think you need to give some serious thought to whether or not it is the best thing for you. </div>

musicxstore

I'm fine with not working (providing we can live comfortably on one income), mainly because I write, so I would love to make a career of it (and I could do that at home). Plus, I want to have a baby in a few years and I'd like to be a stay at home mom. I'm just annoyed that he doesn't see how much more we could afford if I'm working

Anysunrise

I know H would prefeeeeer to be the provider, but not at the expense of me not working if I wanted to, and definitely not if I was making 10 grand more a year than him. Don't get me wrong, I'd love not to work either, but if he ever told me I couldn't, I'd still be pissed.

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_job-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ba440c39-9318-448a-be95-d7f69a056abfPost:a8b3d6c1-6c97-47e8-8fed-2f1bb2779f27">Re: Job...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm fine with not working (providing we can live comfortably on one income), mainly because I write, so I would love to make a career of it (and I could do that at home). Plus, I want to have a baby in a few years and I'd like to be a stay at home mom. I'm just annoyed that he doesn't see how much more we could afford if I'm working
Posted by musicxstore[/QUOTE]

<div>If you did quit your job, how difficult would it be to get back into your field again later if you were to decide to go back?  What if your FI got laid off work or something?  If you wanted to go back to work, would be support you or would be resent you and make you feel guilty?</div><div>
</div><div>As for the money thing, maybe you just need to sit down with a paper and pen and do the math for what you can comfortably afford on one income vs 2/how much more money you can save if you're working too.  </div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I'd be more concerned about the control issue than I would about the financial part.  I know you said you don't think he's trying to be controlling - but if you have told him that you want to keep working, and he continues to push you not to even after you gave him a list of reasons why you should/want to, then that is exactly what he is doing.  Maybe not in a way that seems mean or abusive to you, but it's still controlling. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm really not trying to jump on you or make you feel bad, I just wanted to give you some things to think about.  Whatever you decide to do with it is up to you. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: If you think you would be happy (and could maybe make money) being a full time writer at home, and your FI would support that, then it may be a good compromise.  But I would still discuss all of the other stuff with him, too. You should't have to compromise your personal goals just to feed someone else's ego.</div><div>
</div>

musicxstore

It's in the healthcare field, which always has jobs available. I like my job (so far), but it's probably not something I want to do long term. While he doesn't like that I'm working, he's not pushing me to quit and I'm not quitting anytime soon. We agreed to see how things go with that.

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_job-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:ba440c39-9318-448a-be95-d7f69a056abfPost:73a1825d-cc2b-4b84-b4aa-6b13152931b8">Re: Job...</a>:
[QUOTE]It's in the healthcare field, which always has jobs available. I like my job (so far), but it's probably not something I want to do long term. While he doesn't like that I'm working, he's not pushing me to quit and I'm not quitting anytime soon. We agreed to see how things go with that.
Posted by musicxstore[/QUOTE]

<div>Ok, I just realized that I missed the part in your OP where you just started the job 3 days ago.  Hopefully your FI just needs time to adjust to it.  I hope that you're able to work something out that both of you are happy with. </div>

RailWayWife

Explain to him why you want to work, that you want to use the cirification you got while in school. Who doesnt like a little extra money going into their bank account??

ronik77

Maybe when he finishes school and you re-asess the situation if he finds a new job, he might be ok with you going to something part time. That way you can still contribute to and have time to do our writing etc at home. Or maybe something that you could do FROM home part time.

Just a suggestion!