Anybody Else Feel Like This Isn't THEIR Wedding? - little vent

StarfishNJellybean

katiewhompus

Honestly, I would scrap everything. If fmil wants you to have a huge wedding and wants to run the show then tell her she can plan it all, and let you know where and when to show up.

My honest answer? I think you need to sit down with your Fi and have a "come to Jesus" talk. Figure out how much you can afford without depleting your savings and tell him "Honey, I would rather have a small intimate affair, but I know you would like a big wedding. I will help you plan but you need to put in effort as well."

If he doesn't hold up his end, well, decide if you want to just have a small wedding or if maybe this was a sign.

You have 10 months. No decisions have to be made now, there is time to deal with the deeper problems first, then decide on the wedding details.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_anybody-else-feel-like-this-isnt-their-wedding-little-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c721ca97-0e3a-46f1-beb7-59b8d34b51dbPost:5b652125-39c8-4090-816b-f18cd2773958">Anybody Else Feel Like This Isn't THEIR Wedding? - little vent</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI is the love of my life, of that I am certain. And I am over the moon about getting to be married to him for the rest of our lives. As for the wedding, I am NOT excited in the least. In the first place, I hate attention. Really, really hate it. And the fact that I have exactly 4 family members (no exaggeration) and maybe 25 close friends means that I should be able to have a small-ish wedding, right? NOPE! Not when FI's family is enormous and my FMIL is insistent that she get to show off to everyone from her neighbors to her gourmet dinner club. So I could pull bride rank, except<strong>... FI is a HUGE wedding fan, and has been dreaming of and planning his own since he was five</strong>. He wants this ridiculously oversized wedding and can't wait for the day. As for curtailing his mother's plans, when she irritates him (which happens about 30 seconds into every conversation) he freaks out and turns into the Hulk and just stops listening to her altogether. So I'm left to deal with it. The part that's driving me the most crazy is that FI knows exactly what he wants, but he hasn't done ANYTHING. I've executed every decision myself, and I'm the one that thinks weddings are a terrible waste of our savings account. And I don't even have a Mom or Aunt who can help me make the decisions I'm not sure about or don't understand, and God knows I can't ask FMIL for advice on anything. I can't believe that this thing is still 10 1/2 months away when I just want it over with now.
Posted by StarfishNJellybean[/QUOTE]

Also I think everyone has to compromise, including your Fi. Did I want a carriage pulled by white horses? Sure I did, but it wasn't going to happen.
Maybe compromise on a biggish wedding, about 50 people or so. And like I said, if he wants it then he has to do the bulk of the planning.

JennaV26

Hmm that's rough. I definitely think you need to have a big heart-to-heart with your FI. If he's the one who really wants the big wedding then he needs to be helping plan it. Maybe you can find some compromises but you're not going to get to them without having a serious conversation with your FI.

kimheartsscott

Talk to him now before you end up 6 months out, save the dates sent, bawling because you will never have the wedding you always wanted and him wishing he could go back in time and compromise more.





yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

jasmineh7777

I'm sorry you're so stressed! I agree with Katie. Talk to him and find some middle ground. Is there anything you are excited about? Flowers, food?
 Maybe you can split up those tasks. He could find a venue, invites, etc. You could do some other tasks.

gottahavashorti

Your FMIL doesn't get control unless she is paying.

You and your FI need to figure out how to compromise.

He needs to deal with his family instead of leaving you to fend for yourself when it comes to your FMIL.

If you don't want the huge wedding, don't plan it.

Lenore2010

Agreeing with Katie and others here.

I might also add I think it is very important you assert yourself in this situation. If you do not, you might find your FMIL pushing herself into other areas of your life when you are married. Even if she IS paying, I suggest it is an offer you decline if what she is paying for is something you do not want. Your FI also needs to NOT get set up in a mental mode of "I tell you what I want and you take care care of everything" in your marriage.

I read something years ago that I love: "We teach people how to treat us, and they tend to follow our instructions to the letter".

pizzanfries4me

ELOPE!  Or I would pull 'bride' rank and say nope, thats not how its gonna be... Put your foot down now. If you let people run this for you, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me! And you really don't want to blow your savings account - talk to you FI and think of a better situation. What we did was go off and get married (had a small group join us) then came back and had a party. I'd suggest something that to every bride.
Good luck