Future Sister-in-law issues

alykitcat

A year ago, my fiance and I got engaged.  We had planned to get married in 2015, but financial insentives convinced us to tie the knot early in a very small ceremony (just us and parents) and have a "wedding" in 2015.  This decision was made in early October with the mini-wedding to be in January.  We have had a very rocky relationship with one of my fiance's sisters for several years now.  She is hypocritical, a habitual liar and a drama queen.  Two weeks after we talked to his family about the change in plans, she announced she was engaged to her boyfriend of two weeks whom nobody in her family had met and that the wedding was going to be on December 22.  There are many people in my life that if they had made this announcement I would be excited for, but her history assures me that this is a combination of insecurity about the fact that her younger brother is getting married first and an attempt to upstage our wedding.  Not long after we got engaged she declared that she was as well with a guy she had been dating for a month (this is a different guy then the one she is now marrying).  She showed up at our engagement party claiming she had been punched the night before and had a broken nose (no bruises or anything), then halfway through the party she informed eveyone she was moving to Ireland.  The entire time that I have known her, if the event is about someone else she will make it about her. If she can't make it about her then she will attempt to upstage the whole event.  I have been trying hard to just move on but I am unbelieveably hurt and furious.  Every time I hear about it it just upsets me all over again. I don't think I'm being a Bridezilla about this.  My fiance's mom and other sister not only were pissed as well but called after her announcement to see if we were ok.  I'm just so upset because I feel like she is stealing a time that is supposed to be about my fiance and I and getting away with it. **Cross Posted under wedding woes**

cnf2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:e0052cb0-baad-4a4b-92b4-56cb4d40eda1">Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]A year ago, my fiance and I got engaged.  We had planned to get married in 2015, but financial insentives convinced us to tie the knot early in a very small ceremony (just us and parents) and have a "wedding" in 2015.  This decision was made in early October with the mini-wedding to be in January.  We have had a very rocky relationship with one of my fiance's sisters for several years now.  She is hypocritical, a habitual liar and a drama queen.  Two weeks after we talked to his family about the change in plans, she announced she was engaged to her boyfriend of two weeks whom nobody in her family had met and that the wedding was going to be on December 22.  There are many people in my life that if they had made this announcement I would be excited for, but her history assures me that this is a combination of insecurity about the fact that her younger brother is getting married first and an attempt to upstage our wedding.  Not long after we got engaged she declared that she was as well with a guy she had been dating for a month (this is a different guy then the one she is now marrying).  She showed up at our engagement party claiming she had been punched the night before and had a broken nose (no bruises or anything), then halfway through the party she informed eveyone she was moving to Ireland.  The entire time that I have known her, if the event is about someone else she will make it about her. If she can't make it about her then she will attempt to upstage the whole event.  I have been trying hard to just move on but I am unbelieveably hurt and furious.  Every time I hear about it it just upsets me all over again. I don't think I'm being a Bridezilla about this.  My fiance's mom and other sister not only were pissed as well but called after her announcement to see if we were ok.  I'm just so upset because I feel like she is stealing a time that is supposed to be about my fiance and I and getting away with it. **Cross Posted under wedding woes**
Posted by alykitcat[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's your FI's sister, so I think he needs to be the one to address her, if that's your intention. Act happy for her, coo at her a bit, and maybe she'll back off some if she gets a little attention. Otherwise your FI needs to tell her to be happy for him and quit her immature crap (but nicer, I'm kind of a curmudgeon). </div><div>
</div><div>Secondly, a lot of girls on here may take offense to you claiming to be having two weddings since you will already be married, regardless of how small, intimate, private, or shotgun it may have been. The wedding in January is not your "mini-wedding" it is your wedding. The shindig in 2015 will technically be a vow renewal as you'll already be legally married. 

</div>

alykitcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:8ba18445-6948-4f60-8e42-3fb1cb5269c0">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Future Sister-in-law issues : It's your FI's sister, so I think he needs to be the one to address her, if that's your intention. Act happy for her, coo at her a bit, and maybe she'll back off some if she gets a little attention. Otherwise your FI needs to tell her to be happy for him and quit her immature crap (but nicer, I'm kind of a curmudgeon).  Secondly, a lot of girls on here may take offense to you claiming to be having two weddings since you will already be married, regardless of how small, intimate, private, or shotgun it may have been. The wedding in January is not your "mini-wedding" it is your wedding. The shindig in 2015 will technically be a vow renewal as you'll already be legally married. 
Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

If people take offese to our wedding in 2015, which will be the religious one, let them.  Our family and friends are all calling the event in 2015 our wedding with no complaints. They see this as special but, at least for my side of the family (and his mother,father, other sister and step-mother), 2015 is more important. 

alykitcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:c0ae8e10-aa44-4a1e-9006-8f7722f620af">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]If your FI's sister has always been a brat, then she's not going to change just b/c you're getting married I hope you're not lying to your guests and that they'll know you're having a vow renewal.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

our only guests are our respective parents.  We have told everyone else to please hold their congrats etc for 2015.

alykitcat

While his other sister and mother have been uber sympathetic.  I think my bigger issue is his dad who is emotionally blackmailing us over it.  We can't go even if we wanted to.  I had an oversees trip planned and my fiance can't take the additional time off. 

cwaggoner07

I guess I don't really see the point in getting married so soon, then. Why not wait until 2015, as it seems that's really what you want?

As for his sister, if they see this as a pattern, it's unfortunately probably something you're just going to have to deal with. With people like that in my life, I tend to ignore them when they speak, and give attention to them in their slight moments of quiet.

cnf2013

Your planner say January 18th, 2015... have you already had the legal ceremony/are you already married yet? I'm guess that date is your "wedding", not your "mini wedding". I'm slightly confused. I completely understand that it is more important to you and your family to have your religious ceremony, but regardless, you'll already be legally married and will have been for quite some time. Why not have the "wedding" at a church if the religious aspect is so important?

alykitcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:15447924-fca4-4105-af74-424703042f8f">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I don't really see the point in getting married so soon, then. Why not wait until 2015, as it seems that's really what you want? As for his sister, if they see this as a pattern, it's unfortunately probably something you're just going to have to deal with. With people like that in my life, I tend to ignore them when they speak, and give attention to them in their slight moments of quiet.
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

 I need to remember the slight moments of quiet thing :) Thanks.

Getting married now will save us $40,000 in student debt.  We moved to AZ together but my fiance didn't start school until we were here a year making him an AZ resident. Because I moved here specifically for school, they won't give me residency status.  Us getting married wll make me an Arizona resident which will save $10,000 in tuition a semester. 

cnf2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:814d02ce-2424-4a26-a1cf-0ca5f8602bc2">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future Sister-in-law issues :  I need to remember the slight moments of quiet thing :) Thanks. Getting married now will save us $40,000 in student debt.  We moved to AZ together but my fiance didn't start school <strong>until we were here a year </strong>making him an AZ resident. Because I moved here specifically for school, they won't give me residency status.  Us getting married wll make me an Arizona resident which will save $10,000 in tuition a semester. 
Posted by alykitcat[/QUOTE]

<div>If you've been there that long you would also be eligible for residency though. I hope you don't find me rude, I'm just really curious about your situation... why did you guys move to AZ specifically for school? I'm confused as to how he got residency and is now in school but you can't. </div>

alykitcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:740dc67a-d82f-446a-a968-eb89c8dc2345">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Your planner say January 18th, 2015... have you already had the legal ceremony/are you already married yet? I'm guess that date is your "wedding", not your "mini wedding". I'm slightly confused. I completely understand that it is more important to you and your family to have your religious ceremony, but regardless, you'll already be legally married and will have been for quite some time. Why not have the "wedding" at a church if the religious aspect is so important?
Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

Having all of our family and friends there is what makes 2015 our wedding.  The religious aspect of the wedding is for me the importance of keeping my Jewish heritage alive.  I also understand how the legal aspect is important as well, which is why we are making the January event special.  However, the other two aspects are important as well.  All of our family lives out of state, so trying to do everything last minute was not an option.  That is why we are opting to get married in January but have our wedding in 2015.  Our family, including extended family have been understanding and supportive...except the sister I was talking about. 

alykitcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:0a468f31-7f81-4464-9687-131d93d083de">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future Sister-in-law issues : If you've been there that long you would also be eligible for residency though. I hope you don't find me rude, I'm just really curious about your situation... why did you guys move to AZ specifically for school? I'm confused as to how he got residency and is now in school but you can't. 
Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

I dont find it rude at all. I was incredulous when I found it all out myself. Because I have been in school almost sinced the day we moved here, the state sees me as being here solely for the purposes of school and wont grant me residency, no matter how long, I live here.  This is compounded by the fact that I am fortunate enough that I do not have to work and be in school at the same time.  My fiance worked for a year, and paid AZ taxes, before enrolling, which allowed him resident status.  Because I didn't pay taxes in AZ before starting school, they are refusing me residency status.

freebread03

Is it worth 40k to get married in January to you? Because that is your wedding.   You can't get married in January and then get married again in 2015, unless of course you get a divorce.  The thing is, it sounds like you DID move to Arizona for school, so paying out of state tuition is normal, and fair.  Many people are in the same boat as you, but they're not rushing off to get married (and then pretending they're not married) just to get in-state tuition.  I think you should reconsider your plans, or call it what it is--a wedding, since you'll be married.

EDIT: Yeah, your FSIL sounds like a nut job, but I'm sure everyone already knows that.  Don't worry about it--I'm sure it will shake out and she probably won't actually be getting married in Dec, so you're stressing for nothing.

alykitcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:420b13c5-73ee-4fff-a4b7-6da041c2a844">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it worth 40k to get married in January to you? Because that is your wedding.   You can't get married in January and then get married again in 2015, unless of course you get a divorce.  The thing is, it sounds like you DID move to Arizona for school, so paying out of state tuition is normal, and fair.  Many people are in the same boat as you, but they're not rushing off to get married (and then pretending they're not married) just to get in-state tuition.  I think you should reconsider your plans, or call it what it is--a wedding, since you'll be married. EDIT: Yeah, your FSIL sounds like a nut job, but I'm sure everyone already knows that.  Don't worry about it--I'm sure it will shake out and she probably won't actually be getting married in Dec, so you're stressing for nothing.
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

We are not "pretending" anything. We are differentiating legally getting married from the religeo-social event "wedding" if you have a problem with that then its that YOUR problem not mine.  All of my friends and family are not only ok with it but keep talking about how many other people they know who are doing the same thing (one of them actually has).   As for reconsidering my plans or altering semantics- because strangers have a problem with something that NOBODY I care about does, why would I change my plans or wording?  My friends and family are brutally honest and none has said boo.  So excuse me if I tell everyone who has a problem with our plans or what we are calling them to shove off and mind their own business.

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:cec49499-116b-462d-bdc8-1f3d05b7b144">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future Sister-in-law issues : We are not "pretending" anything. We are differentiating legally getting married from the religeo-social event "wedding" if you have a problem with that then its that YOUR problem not mine.  All of my friends and family are not only ok with it but keep talking about how many other people they know who are doing the same thing (one of them actually has).   As for reconsidering my plans or altering semantics- because strangers have a problem with something that NOBODY I care about does, why would I change my plans or wording?  My friends and family are brutally honest and none has said boo.  <strong>So excuse me if I tell everyone who has a problem with our plans or what we are calling them to shove off and mind their own business.</strong>
Posted by alykitcat[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Excuse you for being rude and offensive to those who do consider getting married to be their wedding?  Naw, I don't think so.  When you get legally married, that's your wedding.  You don't get a do-over just because you want some PPD.  </div><div>
</div><div>If you didn't want people's opinions, you shouldn't have posted on a public message board for input.  Basically what you're saying is that you're getting married for the money...not something I would ever condone, but each to their own. Classy.

</div>

mandi195

Class act. I agree with PP... all of them. OP, you are totally out of line with the way you're responding to everyone on here. If you don't care what anyone here has to say, why waste your time, and ours, by posting? Enjoy your sense of entitlement. Also, be aware that what you're doing is considered fraud (marrying someone simply to gain residency and therefore not have to pay the full tuition amount)... and is illegal... good luck with that.

TheVirginians

Religious officials are licensed by the state to perform marriages. So, so much for your "religeo-social event". That means you are planning solely a social event: a party and not a wedding. Last time I was told to shove off, it was by an entitled tween.

amandanicole1828

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_future-sister-in-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cd250ab2-dc3e-4d0b-8315-2d25078be476Post:4383f03d-aa45-42a2-91aa-35730194296e">Re: Future Sister-in-law issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future Sister-in-law issues : If people take offese to our wedding in 2015, which will be the religious one, let them.  Our family and friends are all calling the event in 2015 our wedding with no complaints. They see this as special but, at least for my side of the family (and his mother,father, other sister and step-mother), <strong>2015 is more important. </strong>
Posted by alykitcat[/QUOTE]Then why do you consider her to be upstaging your wedding then if the actual 'wedding' in your mind is in 2015?
To me she's not upstaging anything from what you've just said about how you view this little exchange of vows soon.

I guess I see your posts and attitude as very contradictory.

princess pop

sent you a PM

daffydillie

We are having a strictly religious celebration and this offends me. If the religious aspect is important to you, don't degrade it by marrying for money.

Barbiiieee

I'm also a student in Arizona. If you live in AZ one year, change your DL and everything to your AZ address and in that time enroll in a community college, you will get in state tuition to 3 major state schools. I've known looooooots of people who do it that way.

Dreamergirl8812

This is about your marital situation and not your sister in law. Ignore the criticism and do what you want. If you want to call it a wedding, then do. It's your wedding, not theirs. Lots of people elope and then celebrate with their friends and family and call it a wedding. Clearly the time between the wedding and the, uh, wedding will be long. But so what? If people are offended (why they have emotional stake in this is weird), they don't have to come to your wedding.

And as a grad student, I totally understand your wanting to save 40k.