HELP... need advice

kk10152011

Hi everyone!  My name is Kris and I just got engaged a couple of weeks ago.... I joined TheKnot.com on Saturday and have been reading the forums ever since to find out where I fit in... I think I found it.... I love how funny and sarcastic you girls are while still giving great advice... of which I need some now...

I asked my BFFs to be my bridesmaids and I'm so excited for my wedding.... I don't want to invite one bridesmaids' BF though... I'm not comfortable being in the same room as him and him being there will ruin my day... I can't tell her why I don't want him there but he can't come so what do I say to her?

ehathewa

Sorry...  but you probably have to invite him.  It is pretty rude not to invite someone's long term boyfriend/girlfriend. 

staceytaylor0704

Unfortunately, you need to invite him if you are inviting her. They are a social unit, and I'd imagine she would be very offended if you did tell her that he could not come.

shaydenise

If they are still together when your wedding occurs you should invite him.  If you don't your BM may not come.  Does she know that you don't like her boyfriend?

K&J64

You have to invite all significant others, especially of people in your bridal party. You friend would never understand and it would put a terrible strain on your relationship with her. Ignore the fact that her BF is there that day, he's not important. Focus on your groom

[Deleted User]

You have to invite him. And one person can't ruin your day unless you let him. Chances are you won't even notice him being there.

Why don't you like him? Unless he's done something absolutely horrible to you or your FI, then you aren't justified in not inviting him.

kk10152011

No she doesn't know I don't like him.... They are from my hometown and I no longer live there.... We used to be friends but he ruined that and I can't even stand to look at him anymore...

LesPaul

If they're a long-time established couple, then you really have to invite him.  But, as PPs said - you probably won't even notice he is there.  Be the bigger person and invite him, avoid the drama, and enjoy your wedding.

betrothed123

I have to agree with everyone else that you'll have to invite him, but just out of curiosity, what did he do that was so terrible you can no longer look at him if you were once friends?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:b01facbf-9476-4779-a1f5-a92d3bdf1937">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]No she doesn't know I don't like him.... They are from my hometown and I no longer live there.... We used to be friends but he ruined that and I can't even stand to look at him anymore...
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]

Well this just makes me even more curious. Why don't you like him? I need details. Are we talking "wouldn't go out with you and your feelings were hurt" dislike or "slipped something in your drink when you weren't looking" kind of hate?

Even worse than not inviting an SO is not giving your friend a reason. As of now, I still stand in that you have to invite him or you risk losing your friend.

[Deleted User]

Yeah. I'm going to need to know what he did.

kk10152011

My FI and I have been together a long time.... like since we were in high school long time.... A long long time ago... when we were still in high school... we got drunk with this friend.... We were all drunk and wanted to have a good time so we had a threesome..... I found out I was pregnant and had to have an abortion because we didn't know if the baby was his or my FI's.... We never told him so I can't tell his GF.

NatesGirl16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:cf3ffd0d-1d30-4e17-aa80-f749122653d1">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been together a long time.... like since we were in high school long time.... A long long time ago... when we were still in high school... we got drunk with this friend.... We were all drunk and wanted to have a good time so we had a threesome..... <strong>I found out I was pregnant and had to have an abortion because we didn't know if the baby was his or my FI's.... We never told him so I can't tell his GF.</strong>
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]
Okay, <strong>if</strong> this is absolutely true, what did the friend do that was so wrong?  It seems like you decided to have sex with him, you realized you were pregnant, and you had an abortion.  How is this his fault?

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:cf3ffd0d-1d30-4e17-aa80-f749122653d1">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been together a long time.... like since we were in high school long time.... A long long time ago... when we were still in high school... we got drunk with this friend.... We were all drunk and wanted to have a good time so we had a threesome..... I found out I was pregnant and had to have an abortion because we didn't know if the baby was his or my FI's.... We never told him so I can't tell his GF.
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]

<div>Then its not really his fault that you dislike him, especially if he doesn't know. All of this pent up hate is your own fault. Don't punish him for decisions made without his knowledge. You were all consenting, and stupid in HS. You have to move on from this or it will eat you up. </div>

[Deleted User]

I don't know how you could get out of inviting him with out it becoming a big deal where people start asking you why you aren't inviting him.

kk10152011

He should have wore a condom...

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:b5da4a62-34fd-4361-b46f-4cb90df17181">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]He should have wore a condom...
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]

<div>And you shouldn't have had sex without one either. You do have a say in your own sexual health. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: If you don't tell him, and get it all out in the open and allow him to apologize, then you are holding a grudge against someone who has no idea you hate them. That is SO unproductive. </div>

kk10152011

He was a year ahead of us he should have known...

Anyway it doesn't matter who was wrong then.... How can I get out of inviting him?

NatesGirl16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:b5da4a62-34fd-4361-b46f-4cb90df17181">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]He should have wore a condom...
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]
Yes, and you should have checked to make sure he was wearing one, as well.  It is your sexual health and you're responsible for it.

Aside from that, because i'm not trying to berate you for the choices you made, I'm still unsure of how this is his fault.  Honestly, he didn't even know you were pregnant.

Invite him and be done with it.  Maybe consider talking this issue out with someone (like a professional) to help you move past your anger towards him.

[Deleted User]

OK, at first I was going to say that I could see why you are uncomfortable around him, but that you still have to invite him. But saying "He should have wore a condom" is just ridiculous. You made the decision to have a threesome, this is just as much your fault as it is his. And you didn't even tell him, which baffles me, so you are not justified at all in not inviting him. You can't punish him and his GF, your friend, because of a mistake you played a major role in.

NatesGirl16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:3328ac87-6f32-4597-b510-2f984aa22ab5">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]He was a year ahead of us he should have known... Anyway it doesn't matter who was wrong then.... How can I get out of inviting him?
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]
Okay, now I think this is MUD.  Or you're just ridiculous.

NatesGirl16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:65c6396f-1eef-4581-90a7-8aeb092c4901">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP... need advice : And you shouldn't have had sex without one either. You do have a say in your own sexual health.  ETA: If you don't tell him, and get it all out in the open and allow him to apologize, then you are holding a grudge against someone who has no idea you hate them. That is SO unproductive. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
I like how we said the same line(sexual health) :P.

ohwhynot

I call bullshiit now.  This is just ridiculous.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:3328ac87-6f32-4597-b510-2f984aa22ab5">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]He was a year ahead of us he should have known... Anyway it doesn't matter who was wrong then.... How can I get out of inviting him?
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]

If you were old enough to be having sex, getting drunk, and having threesomes, then you should have known better. I can't even explain how much it angers me to hear people pass the blame on something like this.

ETA--for my own peace of mind, I'm going to assume this is MUD as well.

kk10152011

My FI doesn't want him coming.... He's really jealous of the BF....

SarahPLiz

The only way you can get out of inviting him is to be open with him and his GF. They will most likely break up, and then you don't have to invite him.

However, I wonder why you aren't mad at your FI as well. If you didn't know who the father was, then obviously he wasn't using protection either. How is none of this his fault? 

Steph0871

wow.  So you willingly had a threesome in high school, got yourself knocked up, had an abortion without ever telling the guy.... and now you're so pissed at him (years later) that you don't want him to come to the wedding?

Not his fault.  Invite him, or come clean about the whole thing.

K&J64

You said you didn't know who's baby it was, so I take it that your FI didn't wear a condom either? Yet you hold no contempt for him. I know having to go through an abortion is very diffcult, but you can't allow your discomfort for being around him for something that happened a very long time ago come between you and your friend. He's her BF, forget the past, it's insignificant to your day. And if your FI has an issue with him being there he's going to have to get over it to. It happened a long time ago, put it behind you. Don't make your friend suffer because you two are uneasy with decisions made years ago, that's not fair to her. Put yourself in her shoes, she would be so hurt if you told her he wasn't invited, it would just be mean.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:bcc2136c-d6fd-453d-a4e7-991838f35edf">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]The only way you can get out of inviting him is to be open with him and his GF. They will most likely break up, and then you don't have to invite him. However, <strong>I wonder why you aren't mad at your FI as well. If you didn't know who the father was, then obviously he wasn't using protection either. How is none of this his fault?</strong> 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Excellent point.  It should be interesting to see how the AE, I mean the OP, answers this one. 

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:5750f7b5-5105-4ba6-b5ed-04834272329f">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI doesn't want him coming.... He's really jealous of the BF....
Posted by kk10152011[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you still in HS, because this is SO immature. YOu made adult decisions and now you have to live with them. Unless you are still sleeping with the other guy, your FI has nothing to be jealous over. </div>

Steph0871

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cfc84d21-6f22-4740-a536-647395f709caPost:bcc2136c-d6fd-453d-a4e7-991838f35edf">Re: HELP... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]The only way you can get out of inviting him is to be open with him and his GF. They will most likely break up, and then you don't have to invite him. However, I wonder why you aren't mad at your FI as well. If you didn't know who the father was, then obviously he wasn't using protection either. How is none of this his fault? 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

<div>Good catch.  I'm confused 1. why your FI was ok with that (but that's another story), and 2. why you're just as pissed off at your fiance?!  Was he wearing a condom?</div>