Guest Count Issue

nat4675

So, I neeed opinions please.  My fiancee and I originally thought we would have 100 people at the wedding. Then, a couple months ago we actually made lists and figured we would have a max of 120 at the wedding (not invited, but actually attending). His parents gave us some money for the wedding, and my parents gave us the same amount, but then also paid for my dress, and centerpieces.  My fiancee an I have to pay the rest ourselves. So, now we are actually about to send out the save the dates and we sent the 'final'guest lists to our parents, and his side (on its own) is now over 90 people (and they are al local and will probably actually come to the wedding).I have calculated the cost of per persn, and it is $72/person (not couple). What it comes down to, is that we cannot afford all these people. We are already stretching it wit the 120 people. So, I dont know what to do about it-when i brought this up to my fiancee a couple months ago (when the lsist grew to 120), and he said that he thought it would be ridiculous that we have a really nice wedding, but dont invite the people that he wants there. Which, I understand what he is saying, but these are people that HIS PARENTS added (and they added my fiancee's friends' parents to the list-Weird).  Also, yea. we are going to have a nice wedding, but I am also cutting corners (example: no bridal portraits, making my own wedding album, putting together my own invitations...), so it's not like some extravagant affair.  But, even if it was, isn't that OUR choice?So, what should I do? I dont want to go into debt for this wedding. But, I think maybe his parents think that since they are giving us some money, then they can onvite whoever (which I understand, and am thankful for, but if I would rather have a medium-sized, nice wedding, rather than a huge average wedding, shouldn't I be able to?). I dont want my fiancee to feel like I am attacking his family (and I'm not-I really like them and am thankful for the money that they gave us), but I dont know what to do about it.Thanks for any advice!

Donnaaries

Is there someway you can express to your future in-laws that at this point, the majority of the guest list is their side and that with this money issue, can they possibly chip in some additional money for the guests they wanted to add to the list?  

fallbride1109

First of all, I suggest you base your count on the number of people you are actually inviting.  Only invite the number of people you have room for/can afford.  Don't count on people not showing, etc.  We did this and almost got ourselves into trouble.I would just explain to both sets of parents that you were planning on budgeting for 120 people and that they will have to pare down their lists.  Tell them that although you appreciate their monetary assistance, the guest list is still too big for your budget.  This is something we have all dealt with.  For us it meant not inviting a few people that we would like to have but couldn't.  Since you are all contributing to the costs, you will all have to compromise.

juliebug1997

I am with you.  I was very happy with my small, very nice wedding then the big blown out, mediocre wedding I could have had.  Most people understood that we just couldn't invite everyone.  I hope you are able to work this out with both parents and your fiancee.

Tiffany618

I wholeheartedly agree with Stephie. I highly recommend sitting down with your fiance and (if you haven't already done so) set your total allowable budget and itemized everything out.   Once you've done that, you should both have a good idea of the maximum amount of guests you can invite (and what you'd have to cut out for each additional guest) and explain to the in-laws (with your budget homeowrk to back it up) that something has to give.I don't think any reasonable parent would expect their son or daughter to go into debt for their wedding.

shortgirltx

Get the guest list set before sending out the STD's.  As hard as it is, only invite the number of people that the place can hold; don't have not "He won't show up so we'll just send him a courtesy invite...you don't want to invite 200 people thinking 100 will show up and then they all show up.  We are in this situation and I wish we weren't!!So if your FI thinks that you will be having 100 guests, split it up between the 3 or 4 of you (Your family, his family and you guys OR your family, his family, you and him)...that way everyone gets the same number of people and it will be up to each "group" to limit their lists.  If the IL's are given 33 people and they hand you a list with 45 on there, tell them to make it 33 and if they don't you will be making the cuts.Don't want to go in debt for the wedding?  Then don't!!

emimayor

I agree with Stephie as well. And I don't think it is weird at all that friend's parents are invited. That is pretty typical, especially if they're good friends.

fallbride1109

I agree with the PP--if 3 of you are paying for the wedding (and I count you and your FI as one), the guest count is split between the 3 of you.  And like Emi said, your parents will have friends they want to invite and they should be allowed to have SOME of them.  This is where we had our battles--it pained me to have to exclude our own friends to make room for people we didn't know, but in the end, we had to do it to a point.  But then we said, look, this is still too many, you will have to cut some from your list now.  And back and forth it went, and in the end, we all reached a compromise. I'm sure your family does not want to see you go into debt.  Hopefully you can all reach an agreement.  In the end, my FI's parents ended up paying for the bigger guest count so maybe your family will chip in more.  It's hard at the beginning to make the parents understand how much the wedding will cost.  We've all been there.

nat4675

Thanks for the advice!  To explain, I dont think it is weird for a close friend's parents to be invited, I just think that if my FI wanted his friend's parents invited, then HE should be the one to put them on the list.  I thought it was strange that his parents would insist that the friends' parents be invited (the sets of parents are not close to each other).Yeah, obviously something has to be said. I just dont want to come acroiss looking like a b**** to them.  I think I need to talk with my FI and make him be the one to say something to them.  It is hard for me to get my FI to stand up to his parents (which is strange to me because he is so assertive with EVERYTHING else).I think I will just sit down with him and do the whole 'dividing invites up' thing, and tell him that he needs to explain it to his parents.  Either way, I am definitely not going to send out the Save the Dates until this is resolved.Thanks again!!! I will let you know how it worked out 

fallbride1109

Nat, I did the same thing--had FI go to his parents.  At some point, my FI finally said, they can't cut anymore but he did make them see that a few had to go.  And it wasn't so much a money issue for us as it was a space issue.  So I totally understand.  And yes, the parents have friends, people whose childrens' weddings they have been invited to, etc. that they will want to invite.  Just make them understand they can't invite John and Mary even though they were invited to John and Mary's son's wedding but never saw them again, etc.

clea

My sister had a great arrangement on the reception costs since his family and guest list was bigger than hers. Mom and Dad paid for our family and their friends,  ILs paid for their family and their friends, and sister and FI paid for their friends.  Since venue size wasn't an issue, they could invite anyone they wanted - and paid for them. Did I just make any sense??

nat4675

Yeah-I cant imagine his parents saying that they are not willing to pay for the extra people. So, itis just an issue of getting him to communicate it the way that I want (nicely and like it his idea, rather than mine-ha)