in laws are ruining everything!

gooshbaby

ok, heres the deal. everything was going fine until his parents wanted to see how much my parents were paying for the wedding and how much i was. ( my fiance hasnt helped, i've been paying for everything). My parents just got a divorce so they dont have alot of money, but my dad is paying for the reception which is over 1,000.00,  half the ceromony and some odds and ends. my mom paid for the centerpieces which was over 300.00, and she'll be giving us more when her taxes come back. my fiance's mom has got it stuck in his head that we shuoldnt have to pay for anything in the wedding and neither shuold his parents. they said my parents shuold pay for everything!!  I'm just thankful for any money that my parents are willing to give us and i dont mind paying for the wedding myself. i have 2 jobs and work 12 hr days so i can do it. his parents paid for EVERYTHING for his sisters wedding, who doesnt even have a job but wont help us out. Due to this, my fiance and i have been fighting everyday since his parents have stuck their nose in our business. Now yesterday he says i need to cut things out, which i dont have much for the wedding anyways, but he wants to get stuff out i've already puut a deposit on. then he says we should just move the wedding until my parents can pay for it!!!!! i'd be losing over a grand on deposits! His parents have been making it so hard and to be honest, they've never liked me, and i think they may be trying to split us up. Shes always telling us what to do with our lives and that we cant buy this or that and going through our bills (that we actually hid from her and she still found!) but my fiance always defends her. She even tried changing my wedding colors on me and my wedding dress! but he still defends her! I dont know what to do anymore, im sick of being number 2 in his life and i've told him this. he always has and always will stick up for his mom even though she is the number one cause in our fights, which before, we had never had fights  until recently. he's got it stuck in his head that we nor his parents shouldnt pay for anything on the wedding and hes willing to move the date and lose my deposit money and wait until my parents can pay for everything which is just wrong!!!!! what makes me really mad is that his parents are actually quite wealthy! I've been with him for 7 years and i do think that me myself not being wealthy is his moms big problem of not likeing me. she doesnt even work and neither does my fiances sis but they have enuogh nerve to talk about me saying i dont make enuogh or work enough!!!! wtf??? i take care of myself and always have and i dont mooch off my husband like they do! I am just sooo pissed that they keep telling us what to do and my fiance believes them! they even told us they dont want any grandchilderen from us! (they told me 5 times!!!) my fiance is 28 and i'm 25, i think we're old enough to make our own decisions but shes the type that has to run everything hher way. please help, i dont know what to do!!!

buddhagouda

If he cannot defend you over his mother and refused to actually have an adult conversation with you this is not a real relationship, and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of frustration and grief. 

psichick

omfg, hun paragraphs and editing are your friend. i about went blind reading that.

secondly, your FI sounds like a real winner. you need to talk to him and have a actual conversation like adults before you even think about getting married. this is going to be an on going problem.

and HOW is your FMIL getting her hands on your bills? that's very inappropriate.

noisy_penguin

( my fiance hasnt helped, i've been paying for everything).

Him refusing to help pay for anything and expecting your parents to pay everything when do not have the means to do so, coupled with the fact that he won't pick you over his mom, is troubling. I kind of hate your fiance.

CaliopeSpidrman

Does someone want to give me the cliff notes of this?

noisy_penguin

Her fiance and her FMIL think that her parents, who are broke and divorced, should pay for the entire wedding. Her parents are helping out where they can, but they don't have much money. Fiance hasn't paid for anything either.

Also, FMIL is a lunatic who is trying to take over the wedding and make her change colors and her dress or something, and fiance is all, "My mom is always right! I love my mommy more than I love you, fiancee!"

I think FMIL goes through their bills too or something. It all sounds very healthy and not disfunctional in the slightest.

HappyTummy613

Don't marry this guy.

Liz4444

your FMIL is crossing the line, she is being insanely inappropriate.  if it's not her money, no matter what it's for, wedding, bills, etc, she should keep her nose out. 

honestly, if your fiance isn't defending you now, he never will.  are you willing to like with being #2 in his life for the rest of your life?  you either need to seek therapy with your fiance, or a new fiance...

CaliopeSpidrman

OP -- if you are under the age of 85, you are too young to settle for someone like your FI.  Go find yourself a new one.  If you are 85+, I can understand how hard it is to find someone to marry who is not in a vegetative state, so please do continue on with your nuptials.

[Deleted User]

First of all, discover the art of paragraphs.

Second, your in laws aren't ruining everything, your fiance is. He's a jerk and a momma's boy, and you will NEVER be number 1 in his life. So...why are you marrying him? In that long post you never once mentioned anything good about him, and the fact that he won't pay a penny proves he just doesn't care.

And your parents having to pay for everything is ridiculous. His parents should help, although they technically aren't required to. The bigger issue is your FI. He sucks, it doesn't even sound like he cares all that much about you or your family, and he's obviously making you more miserable than happy. Get rid of him and his family, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for misery.

Either that, or sit him down for a serious talk. Though I doubt he'll listen.

nikki_k

wow, your FMIL sound similar to mine in some ways.  So believe me I understand, BUT the biggest difference here is my FI ALWAYS defends me!!! Always always always.  If your FI cant out at least tell his mom to stay the heck out of your buisness then you need to dump him! 

Kamikaze3

Your fiance sounds like a class act. You should not worry about your deposits and get the heck out of that relationship.

jesi_nickles

Losing over a grand now, is a lot easier than losing over 5 grand in the future if you decide you can not live with him anymore and get a divorce. Divorces are messy and expensive. And its never something you want to be going through. IMO.

Jes

lchamnes

RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!

akhensley81

I agree with most of the PPs... get rid of this guy. If you think this is a blast, it's only going to get worse. Just wait until you're pregnant.

CaliopeSpidrman

I honestly don't think this relationship is worth saving.  Your FI sounds like an absolute jerkface.  Leave and don't look back.  And get yourself some counseling to make sure you don't ever sell yourself so short by being with someone that awful again.

MairePoppy

You should consider therapy so that you can learn how to stick up for yourself. Your Fi and his family are ganging up on you. That's not going to stop after the wedding. Please don't marry him. Losing the deposits is way cheaper than paying for a divorce later.

latourelle83

I feel bad for you hon  

[Deleted User]

After reading the rest of your posts OP, I've come to the conclusion that if you don't leave this a-hole, you're just stupid. Clearly you can't see past his HUGE flaws long enough to realize that you deserve better. You're like my best friend, settling for the jerks despite everyone else telling you the guy treats you wrong and will never care enough about you to change.

How you've stayed with him for 7 years is beyond me. And everyone else on this board.

tannymcgee

OP - how can your fiance "take away" the photobooth if he isn't even paying for anything?!? if you love him, you need to grow a backbone and tell him to get his act together and go to therapy or he's out.  he can go live with his mommy. 

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_laws-ruining-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:dd0e36a5-5436-4d40-89a2-1d9a6522af48Post:42b85831-5697-42e6-b2c1-079506d04fa6">Re: in laws are ruining everything!</a>:
[QUOTE] i honestly think therapy is the only way to have him listen to me. Otherwise he just ignores everything i have to say. he told me yesterday he was taking away the thing i wanted most in our wedding-the photobooth.Ryan had wanted it too so I put the deposit down but now after talking to his parents he's going to take it away. I know his parents thuoght that  the photobooth was a stupid idea in the first place so i think they told him to get rid of it. I told him right out that I didnt want them to look at my list (i keep track of everything i paid for, needs to be bought,etc) and he showed them anyways and started crossing things off. Their even making me cross out my family memebers from the guestlist-the guest list is already less than 80 people but they think thats to many.  They of course, do all this while im at work so I have no say in anything even though I'm paying for it. I would like to sit down with him and talk it over, but honestly, he's just going to take his moms side. I'm not quite sure what to do anymore.
Posted by gooshbaby[/QUOTE]
UM... you have ALL the say. YOU are the one addressing envelopes and YOU are the one paying for the photobooth. His sneaky conniving ass has NO power over you. Don't give him any!

Get out now. Like NOW! Run far far away and never look back!

Katyas90

I agree with all of the PPs, leave him NOW!
I can't believe a 28 year old man would act like that. Going behind your back with his parents and pretty much laughing at you? Don't settle for this!

GL!

_Fenton

Ditto PP, how exactly is he taking away things he's not paying for?  How does he put it when he tells you how to pay for a party he's not contributing a dime to?

I don't want to say this guy would never be marriage material, but at this stage when he gives in that much when his mother tells him what to do, he certainly isn't ready for it right now.

JHS16

Your FI needs a wake up call....that he is not worthy of you or your family.  Good grief, talk about a momma's boy.  Send him back to her.  

katiebenes

wow... just no
We are paying our own way. Our parents aren't paying for anything.
If you are working to pay for things... you decide what stays and what goes. tell them that unless they plan on helping- go away.

but if he won't stand up to his parents... maybe you need to hand him a skirt...

katiebenes

went back, read all your posts... tell him that he is GONE.
no trying to change him. no nothing... sweetie; I can tell that you are about 15 million leagues away from him. loose the deposit money, its worth it... it will be less than the divorce.
I think the best way is:
you know what... I don't want to get married that day. unless its to someone that actually sees me as a person of worth. you don't treat me right or recognize the effort I am putting into us. if you even put in half the effort we would be fine. but you aren't and I can do better.

but that's just me... and a few other knotties on here.

2bMrsEAB

The fact that he is not contributing AT ALL to this relationship and this wedding is bad enough.  The fact that his mother and his family are involved with it to the extent that they are deciding for you what you are spending your money on and laughing about your choices is completely wrong and controlling.  As others have said, you need to get out now.  This type of controlling behavior will continue and he will always side with his parents.  That is not a partnership.  Don't even get me started on the snooping for the bills. Change your locks. 

TTnoles

I am less concerned about the fact that he TOLD you that you couldn't have something that you PAID for, but that he LIED to your face and said that he wasn't going to show his family your list and basically went around behind your back and did exactly that same thing.  WTF?!?!?!  Also, if anyone besides myself and my FI went into our personal bills and snooped around you can bet that that person would not be someone in my life, that is a HUGE violation of trust.  Your FI should be more concerned about the fact that your FMIL went out of her way to search for information on your finances.

So essentially your FI has lied to your face, tried to control you, and ran to his family behind your back....awesome.

gooshbaby

to top it all off guys, his parents just sent him and i a letter to also give to my parents. Saying that they shuold be the ones to pay for it,etc,etc, and that my parents need to grow up and be adults (???!!!) and that we're going into debt with this wedding which isnt a way to start out the marriage. for one, we're not going into debt.  Our wedding cost less than $4000.00, my parents paid half and all thats left is a 1,000.00  My parents are going to freak if I show them this!  Dont his parents see that we were doing just fine w/o them and their the ones thats causing all the stress and making him believe we dont have to pay anything?

noisy_penguin

You really don't get it, do you.

CaliopeSpidrman

Goosh, I know you think that his parents are the problem but that is not so.  Your FI is a grown man (at least in age).  He is responsible for his own actions.  And he's acting like a douche.  Please, for the love of Cinnabon, do not continue with your marriage plans.  Stop right now. 

Remove your focus from his psycho parents and just deal with your FI.  If you really think this guy is worth it, then you two need to head to counseling.  Marriage plans should be shelved for a long time because you have a lot of issues you need to work through first.  A LOT. 

Although I cannot understand why you would want to be with someone who blatantly disrespects you.  Honestly, you will be so much better off without this guy.  Richer, too, from the sounds of it.