::everyone in the goodmorning thread:: (this might be a novel)

sarabear23

I just saw everything in there since I've been in school all day. I wanted to say thank you to all of you ladies that were being supportive for me. H and I talked a little, and are going to talke more tonight. I also talked to MIL since she knows whats going on. I know everything will work out fine, I just hate that something simple kinda blew up.

In case you want to know, heres a summary of whats been going on.

H and I moved from California to Illinois in June. Illinois is home for him, Cali for me. Lately, since about the middle of september, I've been seeing less and less of him. Hes working for our church as the worship pastor, so he's gone a few nights a week for practice and such. no big deal. Also, hes volunteering with an organization that does community stuff, and right now theyre doing a haunted house. So he's gone thursday, friday and saturday until like 2 am. And after they close down, he stands there talking with everyone for like an hour. He loves to talk, and generally its no big deal.

However, lately, I've been feeling like I'm less important than all the other things he's doing. I hate feeling that way. Last night, he told me he would be leaving to come home in 5 minutes, and was going to bring me dinner. 45 minutes later he still hadn't left. Because he was talking. My feelings were so hurt that he couldn't say "hey, my wife is waiting for me, I'll talk to you later". So he was mad that my feelings were hurt and blah blah blah.

He doesnt understand that being here is HARD for me. He's just trying to go back to his old life and it cant be that way. I'm here now, and he needs to think about US not just him. I don't have any friends here yet, so while hes out every night, Im home. Granted, we live with his parents right now, so Im not totally alone, but still. I get lonely when hes gone all the time, and it makes me really homesick, and reminds me how little I have here and how much i left behind.

Good lord, thats LONG. Sorry! If you read it all (which would make you awesome), do you have any advice on how to make him understand that I'm not asking him to give anything up, but just to think about me more and put me ahead of certain things?

I have to leave again for class (stupid Tuesdays are so busy for me), but I'll be back in a few hours to read everything.

JenGin74

Aww Sara, that's sad. I'm glad you started talking again even if it was just a little.

my advice would be to sit down and talk with him one on one with no distractions. Try not to get overly emotional and just express to him how the move has affected you.

I hope everything works out. Keep us posted.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would say he definitely needs to keep his word about being home by x time. Especially if he tells you that. He just... needs to keep his word.

I'd also suggest trying to find a night (Monday? Sunday?) when you're both free and you can turn off your phones and have dinner alone. Make plans, like dinner reservations or movie tickets, so you can't change them or get distracted and miss whatever you're doing.

You're in school, right? Are there any clubs, volunteer groups or sporting organizations you can join in addition to that to try to meet people?

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry, I don't really know you at all (I'm slowly coming out of the lurking woodwork..lol)..but it sucks you're feeling that way right now.

It's good you've begun talking about it, and will continue to.  He needs to know exactly how you are feeling, and he can't possibly know without you saying it.

FI and I have made sure we never make plans with other people on Tuesdays.  We can guarantee we'll have a night off and can chill out with each other.

I don't know how possible this is for you to pick a day and stick with it, but we started doing this a couple weeks ago and it's so nice knowing we have a night at home with each other.  It's so sweet having a day to look forward to that we know we'll both be home for supper and to make our own plans (generally..watch Glee..hehe)

HTH, and hope everything goes well with you!

dmiller9274

:hugs: I understand how this would be really hard.

My suggestion is to sit down and be honest with your H, let him know how you are feeling.  As long as he understands that you aren't asking him to drop everything and tend to you, that you just need some time with him, I'm sure he'll understand. 

I also agree, maybe try to get out and get involved with some activities at schools, find a hobby that maybe could give you a way to meet some new people.

Good Luck, and I hope that everything works out well.  We're always here for you to vent

kpwedkk

<super duper hugs>

I'm going through a rough patch myself, as DH has a permanent job in another state, and I'm stuck with making sure the house is okay here...  I agree, and this is something that DH has to make a priority in his life.  Don't you feel taken advantage of, when he says I'll be home in x minutes and it turns into 10x minutes? 

He has to make sure that you are a priority, and have a sit down talk with him about your feelings.

sosterhout

I feel the same way! Granded my states are neighboring but it is still about an hour to visit and I work WAY too much. So when plans with me get changed for something stupid like a football game. I get hurt by them. I think wow I really have no one but him and his family here... Unfortunately the only I can say it wait it out and try to make more time with him. Oh yes and I became an instant mom, which I do LOVE and ADORE his children. But sometimes it is hard to disipline someone else's children.

staceytaylor0704

Hey Sara! Glad he is speaking to you again. I agree with PPs, you need to talk to him (which I see you are doing tonight). Let us know how that goes.
Sorry I don't have any better advice.

My sister has been going through something similar with her hubby. They both work odd hours, and he is gone doing church youth stuff a LOT during the week. Its been making her feel like she isn't a priority in his life. She was asking me for advice, and I just told her that she needed to have a serious talk with him about it and how it bothered her, and also told her there is no shame in talking to their pastor or someone else for counseling on certain issues.

Good luck

katiewhompus

Aw Sarabear

I would suggest writing out a letter too. It can help to get all of your thoughts composed and if he reads it in front of you he can read everything you want to say and you don't have to worry about him interrupting or you getting too emotional.

Good luck! We're all here for you.