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Snarky Brides

Drama

Hello everyone. I need advice.

My best friend from childhood announced she was engaged around the same time as my FI and I. I was happy for them. but as soon as i announced my engagement, i was met with both happiness and comments about how "they don't feel the need to have a giant wedding to show off and how theirs will be about their love and the more important things" (our family alone makes 100 guests and we are doing a total of 150) or "they don't need to have a diamond to prove they love each other unlike some people but if that's how we choose to show it then that's ok, but they know what matters". It was hurtful and demeaning towards me the way they said it but i let it go giving the benefit of the doubt of miscommunication.
 
For 5 months i listened to these comments. I helped her buy a dress both financially and attended lots of shopping, i offered to help diy to save her money, i even served her ex with divorce papers. I was there for her.
 
Then... i received a text message invitation to her wedding....
 
I was told from the beginning that she would help pay for the wedding party as a destination wedding is a lot to expect for someone to mandatory go, but she turned around and hit me with an ourageous price and when i spoke up about hesitations on pricing and asked about discounts, she told me that she is offended, she never offered me anything, has no idea where i would get that understanding from (she even told my fiance to his face that they would help before), told me not to pay my bills if she meant anything to me and its not the end of the world if collections calls me, told me at least i am fortunate to have to ability to go to the bank to take out a loan while others may not have credit and if i ever thought of going last minute to get a better deal she would be hurt and offended and angry.

We worked through that argument, but two weeks later i found what i believed to be my dress and asked if she would come with me and she outright blew me off. She denied this after the fact. I feel like i have been completely taken advantage of, lied to repeatedly, and made to feel terrible almost constantly. She outright denies all the horrible things she has said to me, even though i have months of texts to prove it and her lies, I finally called her a bridezilla when she told me that i am jealous of her relationship and must have my own guilt associated with my wedding if her comments made me feel bad. It has been a couple months now without speaking.

She was my best friend and i miss her in my life. do i try to patch this? or do i let it go and cut her out entirely.

Re: Drama

  • LuEeMaLuEeMa member
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    In Response to Re: Drama:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Drama : That is completely up to you.  If you want a negative toxic person as your friend, go for it.  This 'friendship' sounds completely one-sided if everything you're saying is true. Also, paragraphs are a good thing.  
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]


    Sorry,

    Something happened when i tried to edit it. It has been fixed, thanks.
  • Well, this person sounds extremely hypocritical for a start. Frankly, 150 is not even that large a wedding to me, and I am from a semi-rural area. And for her to criticize you for spending money on your wedding and then drop a huge price tag on you to attend her destination wedding? Um, no.

    Unless you are wildly misrepresenting this situation, you should drop her like a hot potato.
    image
  • I agree with pp.

    I also think that you need to figure out exactly what it is you miss about this woman. From what you've posted here there doesn't seem like that much to miss. Perhaps you just miss having a close friend rather than this particular person.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
  • LuEeMaLuEeMa member
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    Trust me, it is most definitely not a misrepresentation.

    I have known her my whole life. She has always been my best friend. This behaviour has hit me out of left field. It is not like her at all, but yet it has lasted for so many months that i couldn't keep my mouth closed about it any longer. I do not feel she has any empathy or remorse for the situation and acts like she is the victim. She told me it was *her* time right now and she will tell me when it is mine. At first i thought it was just stress, but i think it goes deeper now. My FI is not a fan of her given the way she has treated me and us and i have defended her with excuses for her comments and actions. I think i have been incredibly naive.

    Only her immediate family is attending the wedding and with financial help, no friends. I feel bad for that fact.

    I think it is just hard since i have always had her in my life and i do not understand why she would suddenly act this way since becoming engaged.

    Side note: she was supposed to be my maid of honor and now i don't know if i should even send an invitation.

    Thanks for your opinions, it reinforces my gut instinct.
  • I'm sorry this had to happen now, but I can tell you from experience some people as we get older just need to be removed from our lives, whether it be their doing or yours.

    She sounds very narcissistic to me. There is no reason on this earth why you both cant have "your time", to say that this is hers and she'll tell you when it's yours is very Bridezillaish and I hate that term. I'd tell her when it's time to kiss my a$$. Seriously.

    I'd save any money going to her wedding, on my own. And to go into debt for her, just NO!

    I think you need to say good riddance to this person, she sounds like a user to me.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to Drama:
    [QUOTE]Hello everyone. I need advice. My best friend from childhood announced she was engaged around the same time as my FI and I. I was happy for them. but as soon as i announced my engagement, i was met with both happiness and comments about how "they don't feel the need to have a giant wedding to show off and how theirs will be about their love and the more important things" (our family alone makes 100 guests and we are doing a total of 150) or "they don't need to have a diamond to prove they love each other unlike some people but if that's how we choose to show it then that's ok, but they know what matters".
    Posted by LuEeMa[/QUOTE]


    Ugh. I really hate it when people talk this way. There's no way it's not crazy condescending. My FI and I just got back from a church marriage retreat, and the wife in one of the couples that was running it is pregnant. During one of the breaks, another girl at the retreat asked if they were having a boy or a girl. And the husband went off into this whole "we aren't finding out because we believe that this is a mystical time and finding out takes away so much of what this time is meant to be and we don't want any tests to find things out because it interferes with God's plan" and then, immediately adds "but, you know, we don't judge our friends that do find out." Maybe they don't "judge," but it was so obvious from the way he was speaking that they see themselves as "better than" people because of it. 
    OP, from what you've said, I think you've been used. It doesn't mean you're naive, it just means that if you want to continue to have this person in your life (and that's your call), you need to be aware that this is her behavior. I had a friend for years, all through growing up, that was like this. It only really ended around the time I moved away from her, and I tried to keep the relationship and realized there was no reciprocation. So, I just let it go. I realize that could be a lot harder to do if you don't live 700 miles from each other, but,  maybe just try to do that. 
    image
  • In Response to Drama:
    [QUOTE]Hello everyone. I need advice. My best friend from childhood announced she was engaged around the same time as my FI and I. I was happy for them. but as soon as i announced my engagement, i was met with both happiness and comments about how "they don't feel the need to have a giant wedding to show off and how theirs will be about their love and the more important things" (our family alone makes 100 guests and we are doing a total of 150) or "they don't need to have a diamond to prove they love each other unlike some people but if that's how we choose to show it then that's ok, but they know what matters". It was hurtful and demeaning towards me the way they said it but i let it go giving the benefit of the doubt of miscommunication.   For 5 months i listened to these comments. I helped her buy a dress both financially and attended lots of shopping, i offered to help diy to save her money, i even served her ex with divorce papers. I was there for her.   Then... i received a text message invitation to her wedding....   I was told from the beginning that she would help pay for the wedding party as a destination wedding is a lot to expect for someone to mandatory go, but she turned around and hit me with an ourageous price and when i spoke up about hesitations on pricing and asked about discounts, she told me that she is offended, she never offered me anything, has no idea where i would get that understanding from (she even told my fiance to his face that they would help before), told me not to pay my bills if she meant anything to me and its not the end of the world if collections calls me, told me at least i am fortunate to have to ability to go to the bank to take out a loan while others may not have credit and if i ever thought of going last minute to get a better deal she would be hurt and offended and angry. We worked through that argument, but two weeks later i found what i believed to be my dress and asked if she would come with me and she outright blew me off. She denied this after the fact. I feel like i have been completely taken advantage of, lied to repeatedly, and made to feel terrible almost constantly. She outright denies all the horrible things she has said to me, even though i have months of texts to prove it and her lies, I finally called her a bridezilla when she told me that i am jealous of her relationship and must have my own guilt associated with my wedding if her comments made me feel bad. It has been a couple months now without speaking. She was my best friend and i miss her in my life. do i try to patch this? or do i let it go and cut her out entirely.
    Posted by LuEeMa[/QUOTE]


    This doesn't sound like a friend.  This sounds like a narcassistic, selfish, unhappy person.  Why is she comparing your wedding to hers and who said it's up to her to tell you when your time is?  Honestly, you may have had some great times with this person back in the day, but the way she is acting now is really gross.  Shouldn't she be happy for you and wouldn't a true friend think it's just amazeballs that you guys get to SHARE this time? 

    I am all about cutting out toxic "friends" from my life.  I've had to cleanup my surroundings too and yes, it can initially be difficult and weird to let go of a friend who has spent so much of your life with you, but it's just not worth it to have life-suckers literally sucking the good times from your life. 

    I would certainly try to tell her how shitty she's been with you, really honestly and see if she can snap out of it and if not, I would "break-up" with her.
    image
  • Thank you everyone for your input.

    I feel better about making the tough choice and cutting ties. I guess i felt like i would be a bad person to choose to give up on the friendship at this time in both our lives and just needed some reassurance.

  • Lord have mercy, get this person out of your life.
  • In Response to Re: Drama:
    [QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your input. I feel better about making the tough choice and cutting ties. I guess i felt like i would be a bad person to choose to give up on the friendship at this time in both our lives and just needed some reassurance.
    Posted by LuEeMa[/QUOTE]

    You are not a bad person. If anything, due to her bad behavior, you were probably the one "real" friend left in this person's life, and she blew it bigtime by treating you this way. Actions speak louder than words, and since she hasn't listened to you telling her what's wrong, the only thing left to do is act by walking away, and saving your sanity.

    Cutting an old friend out of your life is one of the harder and more unpleasant necessities of life sometimes. But don't beat yourself up over it. You certainly gave it the old college try.
  • you have not spoke in a few months- have you tried to reach out to her? or vice versa? if its only been you trying to get in touch with her-then i'd drop leave it alone and not speak to her anymore because if she really cared about your friendship-she would have responded to you. And for someone thats all about "love" and we don't need a big wedding to prove that-then why are you having a destination wedding? To me its worse to have a destination wedding bc for the people that are going its costing them a hefty sum to be there. I don't know what it costs to attend one, but I can imagine its more than $500- airfare, hotel stay. Thats a lot of money for one person I don't care if its your sister-its a lot to expect from people. If i were you, I would have reconsidered being in the wedding at all if she told you it was a destination wedding.
  • All very good and rational points!

    I did reach out. but it seems like it is only me reaching out as you said. When she found out my mother had a stroke after not talking for a few months, she "one up-ed" it by immediately describing her family's illnesses and her pet being put down without so much as a thought to my feelings. The price will be just under $1,500  with the airfare hotel and activities she planned. And while i did pay for 1/4 of her wedding dress when she had no money, she still expected a wedding gift and for me to buy a bridesmaid dress.

    I really believe i should cut the ties. I miss having a close friend, but i haven't missed the drama in the meantime. Thank you to everyone. I just needed to vent and get some unbiased opinions. I really do feel better about doing the hard thing because i have wanted to; but needed the reassurance.
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