XP: Rehrs. lunch question- who hosts, who pays

i2012do

Hi Ladies! Just want to introduce mself before I get into my post-My name is Jen, my wedding is this august. I have posted here before in the past but probably a year + ago (I’ve been engaged for almost  2 years) and typically post on my club boards but needed some help on this.

 

My fiancé parents originally said they would pay for our rehearsal dinner. Last night fiance’s mom texted him and said that her sister and brother in law (fiancés aunt and uncle )offered to pay for the dinner.

I am unsure if they are giving the money to his parents as a gift or loan- or if they want to be considered the “hosts” of the rehearsal.

 

Originally, these people were NOT even on the guest list. The only people on it were bridal party and spouses, parents of fiancé and I, his grandparents, and his cousin who is a reader and my godfather and wife who is a reader.

 

Now that they are paying for it, we are obviously going to include them, plus fiancés other aunt and uncles who are coming in from out of town (they are coming in from across the country) because we feel like we can’t include the aunt and uncle that are paying and not the others.

 

Firstly, I don’t know HOW to ask if they are simply paying for it or hosting it. Not sure if they want to be included on the invite or simply silent partner.

I don’t know How to tell fiancés mom that originally these people weren’t included and that we have to extend our guest list to include them- and to ask who else we need to include.

 

I also feel totally awkward that they are paying for it, but I guess that’s fine, since they had NO involvement, and I am just thinking that like people are going to go up and thanks fiancés parents for hosting it and stuff and they didn’t.

 

Also- originally fiancés parents were paying AND handling all the details. Now that his aunt and uncle are paying his mom told us that we need to plan the details. Its not the hugest deal- but Its kind of thrown on my plate now- since  I know fiancé knows nothing about getting centerpieces, place cards, desserts, etc.

 

Finally Fiances aunt and uncle who offered to pay are LDS and do not believe in drinking. But I don’t want a dry rehearsal and my parents said its rude to have a cash bar. My dad said he’d put some money at the bar and if people want it they can go up and then when it hits the limit it can be cash from that point on. He was going to put like $500 on a tab. I just don’t want his aunt and uncle to think they are paying for peoples booze and get offended. Do we tell them my dad is doing that?

EDIT i assume they offered to help pay because fiances parents are complaning aout expensese and his aunt and uncle are pretty well off

i2012do

Additonal info":I am not even sure if fiances mom was supposed to tell us that her sister and brother in law were paying or if they were doing it to help his parents financially--- so we can't really Decline the offer yet

msowena

I think the only way you are going to get the answers you need are to talk to your future in-laws (or ask FI to if you are not close with them) and figure out what the deal is. I know it is an uncomfortable thing to ask, but you can't really get the answers to your questions any other way. As far as "planning" the rehearsal dinner... I have never heard of centerpieces and place cards? Is it at a home or a restaurant? I'm assuming a restaurant since your mentioning a bar. I "planned" our rehearsal dinner. It involved me looking into prices and function rooms in the town of our ceremony location, calling & booking the room, and scheduling the rehearsal at the ceremony location. Easy Peasy.

I would def. discuss the alcohol situation instead of just "hoping" they don't get offended and/or think they are picking up the tab. They might not be willing to host an event that people are drinking at, who knows. Also I wouldn't mention that I expanded the guest list for her sister and brother-in-law... she might get really upset that they weren't included (obviously she thought they were). I would instead approach the subject with mentioning casually that you guys finished the guest list (mention this AFTER including said aunts & uncles you mentioned) and just want to keep it small and intimate, but that you (or FI) would like to go over it with her to make sure you guys didn't forget anybody really important.

 Seems like some good ol' communication is the only way to work through this situation. Good Luck!

i2012do

sorry i copied and pasted my stupid post fromt eh etiquette board and realized i didint delete the intro
you guys know who i am lol

saraschilling88

I agree with PPs that you (and FI) need to talk to his parents to find the answers to your questions.  Communication is something that can be hard (especially in this situation) but needs to be open so nobody gets blindsided with anything! 

Good luck!!!

i2012do

i have had my fiance calling his mom texting etc.Its so hard, she doesnt communicate at all. We did get out of them that aunt and uncle are HOSTINg and therefore will be invited, and we asked if they are ok with extending the guest list to include all out of town guests (guest list just went from 25 ppl to liek 40)

communication with someone that refuses to pick up the phone, lives across teh country, and only text messages- is so annoying. errr