really upset and just need to get it out

i2012do

Last night Fi told me his parents are (finally) working on planning their travel and accomodations for the wedding. He told me he was just texting with his dad and then he talked to him after.

Anyway- fiance was out walking the dog and i hear his phone going off and it ws his dad texting. I picked it up and i read their convo. I didn't realize they had been texting all day about the wedding- so i wanted to get filled in.

Well the very first question that fiances dad asked is "hey when is your wedding again. I trhew out that thing you sent in the mail"

by that thing he meant our save the date. That I LABORED over for WEEKS until they were perfect.
WHEN"S our wedding date? IS HE FOR REAL.

i was so upset, i just started bawling.

this feels like its the most miniscule thing to them and its a HUGE deal to my fiance and i.

rungirl12

I completely understand why you're upset.  That being said, remember no one else will look at your wedding with the same importance as you will.  That includes all the planning, all the labor put into your STDs, and all the details - people don't really notice.  I hope that's not too harsh, but to everyone else, your wedding is just another wedding - especially men!

I had a similar situation - my FI's parents wanted to know when we were sending out STDs.  I said I already did and that they were in Christmas cards (they were just business cards by Vistaprint & nothing fancy).  His mom went on to say, oh yeah - we received a couple of those.  Then she went on to say she didn't know if everyone did or noticed and that people need to know the date ahead of time to plan for it.  All I answered was, we sent them out in the Christmas cards - that's all we are doing.  Come on people - either look in your mail and make note of it when it's sent, or if she's concerned they didn't, then why wouldn't she just spread the word by mouth when talking to these people (it was her family/friends she was concerned about) 

Keep in mind you can only do so much to make things easy & blatently obvious.  You did your part with STDs (and by talking about it!)  Try not to take it personally, and I'm sure if you look at his personality or traits, you will see it's just who he is and NO reflection on how he feels about you or his son.  He likely operates that way in all aspects of life.  Plus, your FI didn't want to upset you by sharing that with you and seemed to handle it on his own by answering him, so kudos to him for keeping things lower stress for you!  It will work out - he didn't say he was busy!!

Rachel405

This is why reading your fiance's texts is never a good idea. Like PP said, your fiance didn't want to upset you by sharing it with you and handled it on his own to not stress you out.

i2012do

I guess I am just hurt because my parents have our save the date front and center on the fridge. And my dad, brother, sister in law, aunts and uncles ALL KNOW when our wedding date is- save the date or not because they are involved.
and his did didn't even know the date.... How uspetting.

I know that a lot upsets fiance and he doesnt talk about it. For example, we put our wedding on hold for 2 years to give them time ot save to fly out here. ANd then he told us that its a "real struggle" to gather the money together- while they were on vacation.....

I feel bad for fiance and i am not sure if he didint share it with me because he didn't think it was a big deal, or if he was hurt.

gymbugmj2k

a) this is why you shouldn't snoop on someone elses phone. like PP said, FI was probably handling it just fine, and didn't want to worry you.
b) not everyone is sentimental and keeps everything. some people like to live with less clutter, and may not put the importance on things like STDs or cards, letters, etc that someone like you might.
c) sorry to say, but 90% of the invitees will eventually throw out your STDs.

that being said, it does make it more difficult when one set of parents is SO EXCITED for the wedding and shows it, adn the other set doesn't show it that way at all. it could just be that he forgot to write it down before tossing the STD.  FI does stuff like that sometimes - doesn't mean he's any less excited or happy, it just means he's forgetful =P

saraschilling88

I agree with PPs that it could have been just an accident that he forgot to write it down before he threw away the STD.  I did the postcard STD with our pictures (thinking people would save them), and I know some did, but who knows if others have/will. 

I know my parents have shown enthusiasm for the wedding, while his Dad has and hasn't at the same time, and his Mom is similar to his Dad.  It is hard for me, because sometimes I feel like the reason they aren't as involved is because they are having second thoughts about me as a daughter-in-law, but my FI always reassures me that it is just who his parents are.

Sorry this hurt you so much, *hugs*!!  I hope it gets better for you soon!!

i2012do

I think maybe i misconstrewed the situation. I know that most invites will get thrown out.
I throw them out myself.

we have a strict "nothing on our fridge" policy because I like things free of clutter.

Its the FACT that fiances OWN dad didnt know his wedding date. I mean we have been egnaged for 3 years nad have been planning it.

And the fact is, I mean, It is kind of a keepsake for most normal families. If their son is getting married MAYBE they'd hold onto the save the date as a keepsake or something. It just seemed REALLY strange to me,. I don't know a parent that would throw away a save the date to their own child's wedding BEFORE the wedding ivnite came or the wedding occured. IT just goes to show how disposable our happiness is to them.

I'm pretty sure if anyone one of the ladies on here asked their dad their wedding date, they;d know. That was what was most upsetting to me.

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_really-upset-and-just-need-to-get-it-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:57b50f2f-5766-4147-9bb3-867505b1859ePost:14d7df01-4574-45a3-91b3-88d1a10b2963">Re: really upset and just need to get it out</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PPs that it could have been just an accident that he forgot to write it down before he threw away the STD.  I did the postcard STD with our pictures (thinking people would save them), and I know some did, but who knows if others have/will.  I know my parents have shown enthusiasm for the wedding, while his Dad has and hasn't at the same time, and his Mom is similar to his Dad.  It is hard for me, because sometimes I feel like the reason they aren't as involved is because they are having second thoughts about me as a daughter-in-law, but my FI always reassures me that it is just who his parents are. Sorry this hurt you so much, *hugs*!!  I hope it gets better for you soon!!
Posted by saraschilling88[/QUOTE]

Oh no! i feel bad that you feel that way. Is there something that happened that makes you think that?

tuarceatha

I completely understand your reaction, but I think you have to keep reminding yourself that your wedding and all the planning that goes into it will always matter most to you (and your fiance). I started to bum out because we decided to save money on how we print out our save the dates, and then I remembered that people will just throw them out once they get the info they need from it. And I can't let myself get worked up about it.

saraschilling88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_really-upset-and-just-need-to-get-it-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:57b50f2f-5766-4147-9bb3-867505b1859ePost:12dbf24d-ed48-4455-8bf0-310a502786a1">Re: really upset and just need to get it out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: really upset and just need to get it out : Oh no! i feel bad that you feel that way. Is there something that happened that makes you think that?
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Well, when we originally announced our engagement his Dad told us we were idiots and stupid to get married, why couldn't we just stay long term commited without the marriage? 

I guess the biggest thing for me is the "oh I'd LOVE to help" then I don't hear from them for a looooooong time, and his Mom hasn't been a big part of his life for most of his life (his parents are divorced, and he chose to live with his Dad, she doesn't even have a room for him at her house if we wanted to stay there), and when we went to her house for Christmas, we were kind of outcasted and weren't talked to a whole lot until the moment we were about to leave.  I got talked to a bit because I offered to help out in the kitchen with things, but my FI basically sat in a room full of his family and was shunned even by his Grandpa who normally talks to him (this happens every year and every time we see them, but we make an effort to see his Mom's side regardless).

Also, there was a bridal show in the town where his Mom lives (his Dad too, but we didn't think his Dad would want to go), and I let her know over a month in advance about it and how I would appreciate it if she went.  Well, 2 days before the show I ask her if she's still going and she says, "Sorry I forgot about the show, we are going to a waterpark" so his sisters didn't go either.

Just a bunch of little things like that keep happening.  His sisters threw a fit that they weren't BMs (even though I barely know them, and my brother isn't a GM), and so we are having them be usherettes (and wearing the BM dresses in black, if they go and get them).  There has just been a lot of drama with his side, and the little things like above make me wonder sometimes if they are having second thoughts.

saraschilling88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_really-upset-and-just-need-to-get-it-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:57b50f2f-5766-4147-9bb3-867505b1859ePost:ed2ccde3-8ddc-4a0b-95b2-e1fa1cc2e3d8">Re: really upset and just need to get it out</a>:
[QUOTE]I think maybe i misconstrewed the situation. I know that most invites will get thrown out. I throw them out myself. we have a strict "nothing on our fridge" policy because I like things free of clutter. <strong>Its the FACT that fiances OWN dad didnt know his wedding date. I mean we have been egnaged for 3 years nad have been planning it.</strong> And the fact is, I mean, It is kind of a keepsake for most normal families. If their son is getting married MAYBE they'd hold onto the save the date as a keepsake or something. It just seemed REALLY strange to me,. I don't know a parent that would throw away a save the date to their own child's wedding BEFORE the wedding ivnite came or the wedding occured. IT just goes to show how disposable our happiness is to them. I'm pretty sure if anyone one of the ladies on here asked their dad their wedding date, they;d know. <strong>That was what was most upsetting to me</strong>.
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Ok at that point I'd be upset that his Dad didn't know the wedding date too, if it has been that long then you do have some reason for being upset!! 

That would be the most upsetting part to me too.  *hugs*

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_really-upset-and-just-need-to-get-it-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:57b50f2f-5766-4147-9bb3-867505b1859ePost:358dc76f-fe04-4e9f-a025-a41629b6d204">Re: really upset and just need to get it out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: really upset and just need to get it out : Well, when we originally announced our engagement his Dad told us we were idiots and stupid to get married, why couldn't we just stay long term commited without the marriage?  I guess the biggest thing for me is the "oh I'd LOVE to help" then I don't hear from them for a looooooong time, and his Mom hasn't been a big part of his life for most of his life (his parents are divorced, and he chose to live with his Dad, she doesn't even have a room for him at her house if we wanted to stay there), and when we went to her house for Christmas, we were kind of outcasted and weren't talked to a whole lot until the moment we were about to leave.  I got talked to a bit because I offered to help out in the kitchen with things, but my FI basically sat in a room full of his family and was shunned even by his Grandpa who normally talks to him (this happens every year and every time we see them, but we make an effort to see his Mom's side regardless). Also, there was a bridal show in the town where his Mom lives (his Dad too, but we didn't think his Dad would want to go), and I let her know over a month in advance about it and how I would appreciate it if she went.  Well, 2 days before the show I ask her if she's still going and she says, "Sorry I forgot about the show, we are going to a waterpark" so his sisters didn't go either. Just a bunch of little things like that keep happening.  His sisters threw a fit that they weren't BMs (even though I barely know them, and my brother isn't a GM), and so we are having them be usherettes (and wearing the BM dresses in black, if they go and get them).  There has just been a lot of drama with his side, and the little things like above make me wonder sometimes if they are having second thoughts.
Posted by saraschilling88[/QUOTE]

i don't meant o go off topic here. thank you ladies for all your help! but I do feel bad for your situation though I can somewhat understand it, coming from our situation. MY parents are beyond generous and helpful and fiances parents just want toshow up on the day of the weedding (if they can remember WHAT day it is lol) and stuff. And sometimes when we go to their families events we are kind of shunned because we "live in sin" etc. And they feel like i "stole" their son.

anyway- the wayi see it is that i am starting a new family with my fiance. and this is a fun and exicting time in our lives that people are enjoying being a part of. And my family is having fun with the planning and its a time for us all to come together and celebrate. And if other people want to see it as a negative thing- then that's their problem.
and i hope you can take on that same mentality.

saraschilling88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_really-upset-and-just-need-to-get-it-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:57b50f2f-5766-4147-9bb3-867505b1859ePost:45bee7cb-29c3-4867-95ad-40c4a0a1716c">Re: really upset and just need to get it out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: really upset and just need to get it out : i don't meant o go off topic here. thank you ladies for all your help! but I do feel bad for your situation though I can somewhat understand it, coming from our situation. MY parents are beyond generous and helpful and fiances parents just want toshow up on the day of the weedding (if they can remember WHAT day it is lol) and stuff. And sometimes when we go to their families events we are kind of shunned because we "live in sin" etc. And they feel like i "stole" their son. anyway- the wayi see it is that i am starting a new family with my fiance. and this is a fun and exicting time in our lives that people are enjoying being a part of. And my family is having fun with the planning and its a time for us all to come together and celebrate. And if other people want to see it as a negative thing- then that's their problem. and i hope you can take on that same mentality.
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Thank you :)  I've kind of felt like I can understand your situation too, because of what ours is.

I am trying to come around with the same mentality that you are, just last night we were talking about how my FI's grandma (one of them) is super excited to meet my family and we think she will get along with my family very well!!  We are trying not to let the bad stuff weigh down on us, and trying to keep the good/positive things on our minds (it just gets hard sometimes)!