What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions

i2012do

This weekend I must have had a sign on my head that said "ask me uncomfortable questions about my guest list"

First a friend of mine, who I have known forever, received her save the date. She isn't dating anyone in particular right now, and she is contemplating moving cities etc - so I don't anticipate her getting into a relationship any time soon.

I am intending to invite her without a date. She told me that was totally inappropiate and humiliating that she is single and going to have to be at my wedding sans date. I said to her' i have not yet finalized my guest list, and not sure how much room we will have.. I haven't made final decisions on + ones yet for some friends- as we have to ensure we have room for our family"

She went on and on and on about it to the point I was almost in tears that it was "improper" for a girl of her age to be "unescorted" etc.

And is aid "well you aren't dating anyone right now. so who would you bring" and she said "my mom, or my brother, or my friend James to escort me"

I know shes really traditional, and up until to this point I also believe anyone over the age of say, their mid twenties should be invitied with a date... because it was just proper. But now that I am hte bride- i see that I really do't want to "waste" a spot on her friend I have NEVER met, and pay $150 for him to attend my wedding. Or her ... brother. 

Plus she brought her brother to my friends wedding and all he did was leave and walk to the bar next door after he ate dinner- and complained about hte food. And he came back at the end of the night to drive her home.

Then I swear it was something about this weekend.

Last night I got a text from a girl t hat I used to live with after college when I lived in the City. She and I don't really get along and my mom dislikes her and her mom a lot (they were pretty rude to me and even broke some of my furniture in my aparetment when they were moving out). 

She said "hey, not sure if you knew, but I moved apartments (no, i wouldnt know i havent talked to you in over a year!) but I just wanted to send along my new address because I realized I never received a save the date from you- maybe it got lost in the mail. Thanks lovie. xoxo"

OMG!! You aren't invited.

I didn't answer her back yet.

I am thinking of saying something like "sorry, we are planning a small intimate event for close family and friends and hope you understand we just can't fit anyone"

Excuse my french, but i can't belive how balsy these people are being.

Does anyone have any advice on like one-two Short sentences that get to the point without looking rude- that I can say to these people?

calindi

1)  Personally, I wouldn't want to travel to a friend's wedding without a guest.  Flying alone, booking a hotel, it gets expensive and lonely if you're staying there by yourself.  Sure, she'd be fine at the wedding, but I'd hate to have to stay in a hotel by myself, find dinner by myself, so I'm on her side for this one.  I'd want a date or a guest.  For me, I'm all about my guest's happiness and comfort, so every single adult will be allowed a guest (except my cousins who are 21 & 22, who will be attending with their parents).  I know I might not know them, but I'm okay with that even if it means I can invite a few less friends because it means the ones that do come will be happier.  That said, it's very rude of her to call you out like that. 

2)  The friend who emailed her address is rude to assume, but those situations always bug me, too.  Did you ever tell her she would be invited?  In that case, you sort of do have to invite her.  But yeah, there's no easy way out of it.  "I'm really sorry, we'd love to invite you but we both have such big families that it really limits the friends we're able to invite.  I hope you understand."  That's about what I'd say.

i2012do

I just want to claify my friend that is not getting invited( I don't think with a guest)

lives 5 minutes from the reception location. So she won't be traveling far. 

and on the 2nd situation. No, I haven't talked to tis girl in over a year. I saw her once a year and a half ago at a friend's wedding (mutual friend) she congratulated me on my engagmeent.

I never had discussed the wedding in front of her, nor did I even know she knew when it was etc. 

It's really strange she assumes she was invited- especially considering our pasts 

gymbugmj2k

Personally, I think it's good practice to add a +1 to all guests unless you KNOW FOR SURE they'd be comfortable going alone (aka a close family member who is single, or a friend who will be around all their good friends, etc)  if it is a guest who doesn't know many people, or who would feel uncomfortable being there alone (which this person clearly is uncomfortable attending alone) then just give a +1 or don't invite them at all.

one of my friends isnt dating anyone, but the rest of our 'group' all have boyfriends/fiances...so im giving her a +1 cuz i know she'd feel awkward and left out without one.  Then its HER decision whether she wants to find someone to bring, or attend alone.



as far as the 2nd situation... ballsy!  I'd either not answer the text, or explain the way you already have suggested.  Just say that you're trying to be able to include who you can, but you do have limitations. You could also offer that you'd enjoy going out to dinner or something with her as a married couple to catch up after the wedding...a sort of consolation for not being invited to the wedding?

i2012do

Ah I keep realizing I left out more information each time:

This girl is one of my best friends from growing up. She knows almost EVERYONE that is attending the wedding, I have known her since I was 9. I am inviting a few other girlfriends sans dates as well (she is friens with them, and even lives with one). Actually when I talked to them about it, they said even if they were invited they wouldn't just bring someone because they think its rude, to just bring a random person.

I am not saying tis in my defense,just clarifying.

The reason she wants a date, is because she thinks its inappropriate for a women "of her age" (ie over 25) to attend ANY event. Be it a movie or a wedding. unattended without a male escort or escorted by a parent.

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_say-people-ask-awkward-guest-list-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:7a22daea-9238-42ec-9cbf-53515e0ae692Post:8cb4576a-2dec-4edb-af65-ec1ffb4506c9">Re: What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I think it's good practice to add a +1 to all guests unless you KNOW FOR SURE they'd be comfortable going alone (aka a close family member who is single, or a friend who will be around all their good friends, etc)  if it is a guest who doesn't know many people, or who would feel uncomfortable being there alone (which this person clearly is uncomfortable attending alone) then just give a +1 or don't invite them at all. one of my friends isnt dating anyone, but the rest of our 'group' all have boyfriends/fiances...so im giving her a +1 cuz i know she'd feel awkward and left out without one.  Then its HER decision whether she wants to find someone to bring, or attend alone. as far as the 2nd situation... ballsy!  I'd either not answer the text, or explain the way you already have suggested. <strong> Just say that you're trying to be able to include who you can, but you do have limitations. You could also offer that you'd enjoy going out to dinner or something with her as a married couple to catch up after the wedding...a sort of consolation for not being invited to the wedding?</strong>
Posted by gymbugmj2k[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I liek the fact that you used consolation. I always think of consolation prizes :)</div><div>and also that i am not the only person that totally thought this was ballsy.

</div>

calindi

Yeah, if she lives close, then it's not as big a deal to have a guest, especially if she'll know everyone at the wedding.  90% of our guests will have to stay in a hotel, so that's what I always assume - my own perspective, I guess? 

And if you haven't talked to the girl in a year, I'd just ignore the message altogether.  That's really ballsy!

bmetz34

I am in the same situation as you.  We don't have the room, or the budget to allow +1's for everyone.  Plus, being that we are scrimping and saving to just have our family and closest friends invited, it does hit hard to think that strangers will be there.  So our conclusion was that we update the guest list periodically and are only inviting +1's for people who are in known relationships.  I haven't neccessarily met all of FI's friends girlfriends or wives, but they are known.  I know its proper ettiquette to just blanket statement that everyone get a +1, but I'm not giving my 22 year old cousin who is coming with his parents a date if he doesn't have a serious girlfriend.  The only exception is that I'm including a guest for our bridal party.  Of the couple single people there, I don't think they'll bring a random person just to bring someone if they aren't in a relationship, but it's a courtesy I wanted to extend to my closest friends. 

Bottom line: we are already 30 people over what we wanted to have at the wedding and we can't afford to and don't want to have some extra random people there. 

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_say-people-ask-awkward-guest-list-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:7a22daea-9238-42ec-9cbf-53515e0ae692Post:a6dcdf3d-5e47-4ede-9378-5680ab65d2de">Re: What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, if she lives close, then it's not as big a deal to have a guest, especially if she'll know everyone at the wedding.  90% of our guests will have to stay in a hotel, so that's what I always assume - my own perspective, I guess?  And if you haven't talked to the girl in a year, I'd just ignore the message altogether.  That's really ballsy!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>No i know i always assume that too because 50% of our guests are oot. They all have +'1's  but this girl happens to live like right down the road. In fact, she lives closer than all my other guests.</div><div>I just found it kind of off-putting, as you said earlier that she confronted me about it.</div><div>
</div><div>i am just trying to think up one blanket response when people start to ask if they are inviting etc... because...well, i only sent out save teh dates last week and i have arlready had it happen twice!</div>

jennc82512

We had the same issue with the whole +1 thing.  i eliminated ALOT of +1 for co0workers, who are practically family and some friends. I approached them all and they all had no problem with this since they know several others going to the wedding and they understand the expenses.  my issue with the whole thing is if you allow one then you have to allow all.  I dont understand why your friend is putting up such a fight, if she knows most of the people at the wedding then what is the issue.  Just make sure those who do not have plus ones sit at a table where they know other people so they wont get uncomfortable.  The only +1 we allowed were those who are married, engaged, or if both were close mutual friends of me and FI.  your friend is very rude for acting the way she is.

spazticrexe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_say-people-ask-awkward-guest-list-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:7a22daea-9238-42ec-9cbf-53515e0ae692Post:86f5668f-b6d2-450f-ac25-1ea7aaddc28c">Re: What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah I keep realizing I left out more information each time: This girl is one of my best friends from growing up. She knows almost EVERYONE that is attending the wedding, I have known her since I was 9. I am inviting a few other girlfriends sans dates as well (she is friens with them, and even lives with one). Actually when I talked to them about it, they said even if they were invited they wouldn't just bring someone because they think its rude, to just bring a random person. I am not saying tis in my defense,just clarifying. The reason she wants a date, is because<strong> she thinks its inappropriate for a women "of her age" (ie over 25) to attend ANY event. Be it a movie or a wedding. unattended without a male escort or escorted by a parent.</strong>
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Good god, was this person raised in the 1900's??? This is a way un-modern line of thinking... I would just give her the +1 if you can swing it. If you can't, you can't and it's her problem to get over it.

i2012do

Yes. She is from a really traditional household. And so she said her "father" is going to be embarassed that she is unescorted.

I think she is being ridic. she is totally westernized and only acts within her traditional values when she thinks its in her best interest. IE so she can take her brother to a wedding w her, so hell drive her.

mercy4

Invite Friend #1 solo, unless you have room.  Or else you'll have to invite all your friends in that group with a date, including her roommate.

Ignore "Friend" #2.  

Lizlangevin

I'm not doing +1's either. Our guest list is far too big! I would ignore friend number two unless you plan on speaking to her and "rekindling" your friendship-which I doubt.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_say-people-ask-awkward-guest-list-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:7a22daea-9238-42ec-9cbf-53515e0ae692Post:719d23cf-39b8-4e2a-a47f-3a350240a4b6">Re: What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions : No i know i always assume that too because 50% of our guests are oot. They all have +'1's  but this girl happens to live like right down the road. In fact, she lives closer than all my other guests. I just found it kind of off-putting, as you said earlier that she confronted me about it. i am just trying to think up one blanket response when people start to ask if they are inviting etc... because...well, i only sent out save teh dates last week and i have arlready had it happen twice!
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

I sent mine out last week, too!  One thing I've done to prevent uninvited friends from asking is not mentioning it on Facebook or really at all except when alone with people who are invited.  I have only had one person act that way, and it was awhile ago, and I brushed it off.  So no one knows STDs have been sent or who has gotten one except those who received them!  I'm sure at some point, someone will see one on someone else's fridge and wonder why they didn't get one, but we'll deal with that when it happens.

As it is, my aunt won't be receiving one and my grandfather wants me to call her up to tell her she isn't getting one and explain why (basically, she doesn't speak with her mom/my grandma, and she's been horrible to both her mom and her step-mom/my step-grandma and my mom, and I haven't spoken to her in years and have no relationship with her, and the last part I wouldn't mention to her is that I don't even like her).  So yeah, I feel you on the awkward bit.

libby2483

+1s are definitely tricky.  We decided that if a person is in a relationship, we will invite his or her a +1, even if we don't know the +1, as I feel this is just good etiquette.  In addition, we are giving +1s to single people who won't know many other people at the wedding.  However, we decided that single cousins and friends who will know lots of other people there don't need a +1.  So, in your situation, I would say that not giving her a +1 is perfectly fine!  People need to understand that you have size and budget restrictions.

I would just ignore the second "friend" altogether.  I had a similar awkward situation last week.  A friend of mine asked me a question about my wedding while we were hanging out with a large group of people (some of which I am close with, others not).  Since not everyone in that group will be invited to the wedding, I replied and didn't continue talking about the wedding.  Later in the evening, a friend of a friend, whom I only know very casually, directly asked me if he could come to our wedding!  I didn't know what to say, so I just mumbled something about still figuring out the guest list because of limited space. 

rungirl12

With friend #1, I completely agree with you.  That being said, she doesn't see your side, and might take it personally and hold it against you in the future.  I guess, at some point you have to decide how good of a friend she is and decide if this is worth losing the friendship over if it came to that.  I hate writing that because I am stubborn and TOTALLY think she's unreasonable, but proceed with caution because some people blow things out of proportion and it's possible you could lose her over it.  Silly, yes, but as the date approaches and you send out invites, you may want to spare the +1 if it's possible at that time.

With friend #2, it sounds like there is no relationship there, so ignoring her message would be my recommendation, especially since you probably don't care too much about hurting her feelings (you're not a bad person, just this person isn't someone you'll lose sleep over if you know she's upset is what I'm saying)

And, I just have to add, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?  I would never act this way.  All of us encounter them in our wedding planning - where do they get off thinking they are entitled to whatever they want?! 

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_say-people-ask-awkward-guest-list-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:7a22daea-9238-42ec-9cbf-53515e0ae692Post:83f0bf61-a474-498f-b1ca-3c4afc86c20d">Re: What to say when people ask awkward guest list questions</a>:
[QUOTE]umm weird, my post got deleted?
Posted by mtishawt[/QUOTE]

it did?
thats so weird, can you repost?

i2012do

Ps. @ run gymI agree- I would NEVER in my life ask someone if I was invited to their wedding, could bring a guest,etc…because well—that’s just rude! Even if I assumed I was invited and never got an invite (and it got lost in the mail or something)  I would WAIT until the person called me to say they didn’t get an rsvp. I have a close knit group of girlfriends from my college sorority and I am closer to some than others- which is kind of why I think some people assume they are invited- (because I see them once or twic e a year on social occasions).My MOH is actually best friends with girl #2. And so I assume maybe she is talking about my wedding a lot…and so that girl thought she’d be included. As Calindi said- I actually did the same thing and asked a few friends if they wouldn’t mention they got a save the date, and could like, take it off their fridge if so and so was coming over (since that person wasn’t invited) It’s so funny I wrote that post because just last night a bridesmaid texted me and said “um, our friend xxxx just called me she wants to know if you sent out the save the dates yet- and if I know why if you did, she didn’t get one”I was like OY not another person!  She handled it well, she said I had sent them out and I  was having a small intimate wedding with close family and friends and that I had to make difficult decisions when it came to the guest list.Which I thought was great.