Vent: In-laws and holidays

bridejl

So my FI is on the phone with his mom talking about holiday plans and ughh! I just need to vent to people who understand   Every holiday is such a stress with his family. FI and I had plans set for the Christmas weekend, which involved going to my family's Xmas eve and day festivities. During Thanksgiving we made it explicit that Thanksgiving we spent his FI's side and Christmas we would spend with my side.

Now, two days before Christmas Eve, FMIL has pressured FI into changing our plans, and there's issues with with his dad being difficult about not coming to Christmas eve hosted by my parents, which the FI's whole family was invited to, and even more issues about what to do with their dog. Seriously, that dog rules their lives...last year they brought her to the formal Xmas eve at my parent's, which is entirely inappropriate...I'm not bashing all dog owners, believe me! But everything revolves around her and it's unhealthy. FI is still on the phone with her and plans are being changed, again...ughh!!! Now she thinks that he's trying to not see her. I can't wait until we have our own apartment next year and can call the shots of where we go!!

Sometimes I wonder why I'm marrying into this family...then I remember how much I love FI...but really, its times like these I realize that I'm choosing to be stuck with this forever :S

If any other people on this board deal with difficult in-laws, how do you deal? Any suggestions would be appreciated....

LGM22

I finally put my foot down with my FI regarding his family, his Sister and her BS, and essentially the manner that things keep happening.  His extended family have all been really awesome (mostly)  immediate famil have for the most part made me feel utterly unwelcome (his mom has been pretty OK.)  He told me once I was a casualty of their problems.  So I told him it wasn't my problem and he needs to deal with it and they all need to leave me out of it.  We didn't do the holidays with them and there wasn't any backlash, so that's been lucky on my end.

I would put your foot down and tell your FI the same sort of thing.  Equal time for each family.

Tlongo

Holidays are always tough in trying to split up time between families. Luckily fire me both sides have been understanding of needs to spend time with both. There is always some push back with hey why don't you swing by fit an hour xmas eve. FI and I have been good about fighting back on last minute requests. I think for the families they are so used to having their children around for ask holidays once they ar ready to start their own family it helps to remind them that your time will now be split. Of course that involves both you and FI sticking to your guns and not wavering. G/l it is definitely a tougj situation to deal with.

saraschilling88

My FI and I travel over 300 miles every Christmas weekend for family gatherings!  His parents are divorced (so there is 2), and his grandparents on his Dad's side are divorced (there's 2 more), and my family has 1 gathering that weekend.  Not on Xmas weekend his Mom has an extended family gathering, and my familiy has a family reunion/Xmas gathering.  All of those plus a little exchange with us adds up to 7, and if we exchange with any friends the # goes up.  We have tried to say "Ok, this year we will go here, this year we will go there" but my siblings didn't come home this year, so we feel bad if we weren't going to my parents house, and if siblings are home we feel bad if we don't, so every year we just drive the 300+ miles to see everyone!!  We do our best to make it equal, but his side does see more of us at the holidays because there are more gatherings on his side. 

So I feel your pain with the holidays!!   Good luck and I hope everything works out!!

owengirl996

Ugh, I'm sorry! I would dread the holidays if I had to deal with that every year! I hate when people fight over who sees who for whatever holiday like they're 5 years old. You guys are grown ups! You can decide for yourselves who you see and when!!

Thankfully, I guess, that's not an issue for us. This year, it will be his family only as my family lives 900 miles away Last Christmas, I flew to Indiana to be with my family, and he spent it here. FI knows how much my family means to me, and he's dreading this Christmas as it is my first away from them, ever, and I will be a crying mess lol But for Thanksgiving this year, my family drove out here to spend it with us. FI was going to go to his side for lunch and be with us for dinner, but his mom actually told him to stay with my family as they made the trip out to see us. His parents joined us for our Thanksgiving dinner after they went to his aunt's. I'm so glad my FMIL is understanding!

StephBeanWed61502

I do think it's kind of unfair to say "well, you got Thanksgiving, so my family gets both days of Christmas" - the two holidays really aren't comparable, to me.  We deal with them separately - we alternate Thanksgiving between my family and FI's mom, then spend Christmas Eve at FI's dad's, Christmas morning/afternoon with my family, and Christmas dinner with FI's mom and sister.  It's not the most convenient thing, but it gives all of the families involved roughly equal time, so they can't complain.  I am wondering if your FMIL's behavior is coming from the fact that she only got a few hours with you guys on Thanksgiving, but you're spending two days with your own family.  If I were her, I'd feel a little slighted too.  (I'm not saying she's handling it well - she's acting like a child, and that's never a good thing and I understand why you're frustrated - I'm just trying to help you have a little sympathy for her, because it might make your holiday less stressful.)

As for the dog thing, you simply tell her "Sorry, no dogs invited," and if she says "Well, if I can't bring Muffin, I'm not coming," you say "That's a shame - we'll miss you.  Merry Christmas!"  Done.  Be firm - that's the only way to deal with stuff like this.