August 2012 Weddings

BFF VENT... LONG

When Jer and I first got engaged the first person i called was my best friend, she has always been so so supportive of me and my relationship and actually helped me move from Minnesota to Arizona so i feel like I am forever in debt to her. She is an amazing friend.
We were originally planning on an April 2013 wedding, once we got in to planning we simply decided that we didn't want to wait that long, it was actually Jeremy's idea to move the wedding up. So again, who is the first person I call to tell the good news? My bff. She was less than ecstatic for me. She literally told me she had way too much going on this summer and didn't know if she was going to be able to attend. Which before everyone freaks out I completely understand that the world doesn't revolve around my wedding so yes, I was upset, but i can get over it because i need to skip a friends wedding this summer because I can't do everything. But I am also not IN that wedding.
After fueding with her for quite some time I asked her, well, when would you like me to have my wedding because I want you to be able to come, it is really important to me. She didn't answer. 
Two days went by and she called and said I just want you to be happy and not stressed, do what makes you happy and don't do what everyone else wants you to do. WELL everyone was happy, super happy that we moved up the wedding, she was the ONLY Debbie Downer so I told her that (probably shouldn't have, but i was really upset).
We decided on August 31st for the wedding and then in the rush of not being able to find a venue and everything else kind of coming down on me I confided in my best friend saying "maybe the date change wasn't a good idea" she agreed with me and said, "it just kind of sucks that I won't be able to be in the wedding and I won't be able to continue to plan your bachelorette party and I won't be able to be there for you like it was originally planned" Literally all I wanted from her was support. I wanted to hear that everything was going to pan itself out but i didn't get that, which is fine, I moved on with my life and it has been liek 2 months and we haven't talked AT ALL.
A few weeks after that she e-mailed me and said that she was going to be here for me but as far as planning of any kind was concerned she was no longer interested in helping me and said she would rather do homework than help me.
So I went to get my dress fitted the other day and my bridesmaid came with me to do the whole bm dress pick out and I texted the bff and said "M is buying her dress and shoes this is the style number and color just so you know" and she texted me back and said "I do not want to buy a dress, with how unstable this whole wedding planning process has been I am not buying a dress when you might change your mind again in a month" 
I am literally speechless, I would NEVER say that to ANYONE. EVER. I as a bride feel like I am entitled to change my mind about what I want the feel of my wedding to be because I plan on only doing this once and it is hard, wedding planning is a LOT harder than I had originally planned. My question is with the fact that we haven't even talked should I even invite her? She has completely disconnected herself from our friendship I am just at a loss for what to do.
Just know that her and I are no where near as close as we once were, we used to talk every single day, like it would be weird if I didn't hear from her in over 24 hours and now I haven't talked to her in over a month.
Anniversary

Re: BFF VENT... LONG

  • I think you should invite her. Not inviting her the the wedding at all may end the freindship all together. You made sure she knows she is still welcome to be in the bridal party by giving her the dress info, you should also make sure she knows that even though she has been distant you still want her there with you, even if it is as a guest. It seems like she is really stressed out and the thought of your wedding is just too much for her, I am sorry the two of you have grown distant, hopefully once things start to calm down you can get together and talk, just don't end the freindship by making her think she isn't welcome at your wedding.

    Have you tried talking to her about what is going on in her life, leaving out all wedding stuff? Could she be upset that she is 'losing' her BFF to the married life a year earlier than she expected?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker 95image Invited 66image Ready to party 21image Declined
  • I would say invite her, but you still have alittle while to decide. If she doesnt want to be involved then she'll decline.Things change. Things ive learned in this process. Many people arent thrilled to be involved and consulted on wedding planning. It sucks when you think your friends will go through the whole thing with you and tyhen its different. My MOH we use to talk multiple times aday. Life seems to be taking over and im lucky if i talk to her once a month.

    GL
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  • Life changes and people change and so do their priorities.  As you grow up, you will find yourself going in different directions.  It is your choice whether or not you want to remain friends throughout it all.  It sounds like you don't want to.  If that's the case, end the friendship and be done.  If you want to stay friends then just send her an invitation.  Things don't have to be so complicated.  No one will care about your wedding as much as you do.  She may not even understand the significance yet since it sounds like you are both young.  I can see your frustration in her not wanting to plan things like the bachelorette but no one needs to help you plan your own wedding.  Instead of texting things that can be misconstrued, why don't you sit down with her and tell her how you feel?  If you care enough to write this long post, you obviously want to remain friends.
  • I agree with PPs that you should still invite her to the wedding.  I understand how frustrating it is to have someone back out (that's what it seems like she is doing to me at least), but I also know how important friends can be.  To me it sounds like you still want to be her friend, and I am hoping that she does too, I just hope you can figure things out.  You gave her the dress information, if she chooses not to buy the dress, then that is kind of her choosing not to be in the wedding party (unless you pull a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and let her wear whatever to the wedding).  Good luck, and feel free to vent whenever you need to.. *HUGS*
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  • m tullim tulli member
    100 Comments
    I would still invite her.  Unless you are done with the friendship.  Not inviting her will end things.  Sounds like she took herself out of the wedding and doesn't want to discuss it.  I would not discuss the wedding with her.  Leave wedding talk to those her support you and are into the planning.  Maybe she has something going on that you don't know about, throwing a friendship away because she doesn't agree with your wedding plans seems crazy.  Just let it go and keep moving forward with your planning.  Hopefully once the date gets closer she will come around and who knows maybe she will make the wediding.  Good luck
    85image 71image 14image
  • I would be completely down to sit down and talk to her about everything, really really hash things out, there is just one very large 1600 mile distance between us that tends to get in the way...
    Anyway, thank you for your comments, I keep telling people "oh I don't even care anymore." Clearly I do or i wouldn't be asking. I never thought as a 25 year old I would be struggling with friend drama. 
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_bff-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:88ed4f22-d968-4417-9a41-db131a65ce0aPost:412c29cd-994f-4e4a-9cba-4d9492d847aa">Re: BFF VENT... LONG</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would be completely down to sit down and talk to her about everything, really really hash things out, there is just one very large 1600 mile distance between us that tends to get in the way...

    Would it be possible to skype with her?  Video chat means there is no way to really not see the other person, and it is almost like a face to face conversation :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_bff-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:88ed4f22-d968-4417-9a41-db131a65ce0aPost:45d1fe64-6a7b-47fc-9d65-fe52214b08de">Re: BFF VENT... LONG</a>:
    [QUOTE]Firstly, it sounds like you made up your mind and your coming here for validation. That, I cannot provide. However, honestly, I don't think she was being too terrible. I think we brides tend to get extra sensitve when it comes to wedding and planning and having someone say something a certain way can set us off. Regarding the text message, I think it was kinda bummy for your BM to repeat it to you. She was confiding in your BM, not you. What other people think/say about you is not your business. Your bestie wouldn't intentionally say things to hurt your feelings. She may seem "unsupportive" but it happens especially around weddings. Either way, your wedding will be wonderful.
    Posted by mtishawt[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>No the text message was to me, i texted her, giving her the dress information and she texted me back saying that, just for the record.

    </div>
    Anniversary
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