I Feel Kinda Awful...advice appreciated

mbatzlaff

I got the news today that my grandmother took a turn for the worst and likely doesn't have much time left. Now here is where things get complicated...

This is my grandmother on my father's side. I have practically no contact with my father and he has not been a part of my life while I was growing up or since. The last time I saw any family from this side was 2 years ago at my cousin's wedding. I have a couple cousin's on this side and an aunt (who is my godmother) who I have kept in touch with through email and facebook.

I decided a while ago that I wasn't going to invite anyone from this side of the family to the wedding. FI left this decision up to me and I went back and forth for a while until I decided that I would be more comfortable (and my mother and brother too) without having to worry about what would happen if they were all together. I honestly expected that we could get married and not make it into a big deal...kinda like my brother did. Now that I will likely be seeing them soon with the impending funeral I feel really uneasy about how to handle this.

I decided to not invite anyone from that side because I knew if I invited my cousin I'd have to invite my dad and grandmother. If I invited them I'd have to invite a few other people to make sure my dad was comfortable and grandma was taken care of, and by that point it could be 50 people because they all have spouses and children. Its a large family that I have very little contact with.

What do I say if they bring this up? One of my cousins (who I went to school with) will be expecting an invitation because I was invited to her wedding.

I feel really awful for even worrying about this because my grandmother is ill. Thanks for listening.

Sunshine811

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma.

I would think that if your family is at a funeral, they may be unlikely to bring up the wedding. But, if someone does ask, I would just be honest. "We've decided to have a small wedding with close friends and family." If you don't talk to them ever, I think they should understand that they are not "close" family. If anyone pushes it further, well, I'm pretty blunt, so I would simply say I am hear to honor my grandmother and would prefer not to discuss this now.

Good luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

VNEluvsAJB

I'm very sorry about your grandmother. I understand your situation to some extent because I too struggled with whether to invite my absent father or any of his family. Just remember you made the decision you made for a reason that was important to you and an absent family doesn't get to make you feel guilty about that.  If it were me I would probably go to the funeral and then head home and not stay around for the big reception thing where people eat and talk. I think that you and they need to be able to mourn without the drama of who's invited and who's not.

MeghanPacifico

That's a toughie. Family dynamics are exagerated during times like this and there's no right or wrong answer because it all depends on the family situation and the personailities within it.

My recommendation is that if you've been meeting with a pre-marital counselor of any sort you should bring this up and all of the background to the story. These are the kinds of questions they're used to answering. They can offer an outside perspective and prepare you for what may happen after the wedding in different scenerios.

DeClue82

I'm sorry about your Grandmother. I agree with VNEluvsAJB, you made your decision for a reason, and even though it may be uncomfortable for that one day, you likely won't see them again for a long time. I might pull your cousin to the side and explain the situation to her. If you feel like she should be invited (if you do speak with her?) then maybe make an exception for her, if you think she should be there. If it complicates things too much, leave it as is... 

Eyejewel

Im sorry about your grandmother. Stick with your instincts on this one. I know it may seem hard or not right but you decided for a reason to make it more comfortable for you. Similiar situation i am not inviting my father but i am inviting the rest of his family as i remained close with them. I only see him once a year but he doesnt even talk to me and it just feels awkard when he's there (at the family functions). So if you do feel you want to make an exception an invite your cousin can totally do it and not invite him. GL

rungirl12

Does anyone on this side of your family even know you have a wedding coming up this summer?  If not, it may be best not to mention it at all.  I'm guessing at least one person knows though, so I would say it's a very small wedding.  They're never going to know if it wasn't. 

Our wedding only has about 100 people and while I caved and let my mom invite some cousins (I was fine with 4, but once those were invited to the shower, she cried multiple times and said I couldn't do those 4 without another 8), I am upset I didn't hold my ground in the first place and it makes me sick to think about my weakness at her crying.  If I could do it all over, I would not have caved, and would not have invited the 4 I wanted (since according to her, I'm obligated to invite the other 8).  In other words, stick with your gut.

I'm also sorry about your Grandma.

mbatzlaff

Thanks for the support/advice. My cousin can be pushy and I decided not to invite her because I was afraid she'd show up with my dad (or other family members) since she has wanted us to patch things up since I was little. She can be sneaky and I don't think she'd be very understanding. I don't plan to bring up the wedding at all, but some people may ask just to make polite conversation since they know we've been engaged for a while. I really don't want to be put in the middle and I'm hoping to avoid any drama.

Thanks again for the help. You ladies are awesome!