Usher question- need advice please!

bridejl

I posted this a couple days ago and one person was able to respond before TK ate it. So, I'm trying it again because I would really like some outside perspectives. I'll try to be condense. TIA!

We have 2 ushers- one is my cousin and one is FH's cousin. Last week FH emailed them the info about getting tux measurements, and his cousin, who lives in Chicago, responded with this:
"Id rather pass on the tux since there is not a location near me and I'm an usher not standing up. The past few weddings I went to the ushers did not have a tux. I have a nice vest I can wear that looks like a tux and can get a tie or shirt to match what the groomsmen are wearing. Please let me know if this is ok. I'd rather not go through the hassle since I live far away."

I get that a fitting location isn't close to him, but to me this screams "I don't want to put in the effort." He sounded less than thrilled about being asked to be an usher, so I don't know why he accepted in the first place if he didn't want to do what ushers do. At Easter he didn't even acknowledge the existence of FH and I until his mom made him say bye to us before he left. That kind of really showed me that he isn't interested but only said yes to us because he felt he had to. At this point I don't really want him to be an usher anymore, if he's going to have such a nonchalant attitude about it all (I know that not everyone is as excited as us blahblahblah, I'm not asking him to be excited, but just cooperative).

To go the route of his own vest and suit, I don't know if my cousin even owns a suit, and I know for sure he doesn't own a vest, so that would be an added expense for him too then (suits are not cheap! and renting the tuxes we chose is less expensive than buying a suit). Tomorrow I will call our tux place and ask them if there is anywhere else he can have his measurements taken, that is closer to him.

Until then, I am very interested in what you ladies think about this situation. Sorry I didn't keep it that short...

mercy4

I am not sure if we are having ushers but we are probably going to end up asking a few cousins to do this.  I don't think it matters what they wear because they aren't in photos or anything really.  I wonder what their role is and why they really need to look a certain way.  What do they do besides help people get to their seats?  Maybe they can't afford to spend the money on it or they're kind of conservative.  I wouldn't stress over it.

mbatzlaff

If you are requiring ushers to wear tuxes than I would tell him that he doesn't need to be an usher if he doesn't get the tux. It really is up to you what you are expecting of them since its your wedding.

That being said, we are having all of our groomsmen and the usher wear their own black suits and we are getting them all matching ties. I don't think its necessary for the ushers to match the groomsmen, but its your decision.

rungirl12

Honestly, if I were in his shoes, I likely would have also accepted out of obligation thinking it's something I would only have to do for an hour or so and that I would only have to dress up which I would be doing anyway. 

However, when I found out I had to rent a tux and pay $120 or whatever, I would be a bit miffed and not want to do it either.  I would already feel like I was doing you a favor by being an usher and upset that now you needed me to pay to do this favor.  Just my opinion.  I know it's different for everyone since some people include their ushers in pictures.

For us, we are asking FI's four teenage nieces to be ushers and we just want them in dresses or skirts - whatever they were planning to wear to the wedding anyway.

It's totally your call - stick to your guns and make him wear a tux if that is important to you.  If not, and it's more important to have him be part of the party no matter what, then let him dress how he wants so he doesn't drop out.

saraschilling88

We debated getting our ushers in tuxes, because we are including them in some wedding party pictures (the ushers are my brother, and 3 cousins who are like my brothers, and FI's sisters lol).  We didn't want the guys to have to spend that much on clothes though, so here's what we did (you don't have to do it).

For the girls: they wanted really nice dresses, and picked the BM dresses in black instead of red (I wasn't super thrilled, but it ceased the drama which I needed it to).

For the guys: they are wearing whatever black dress pants/socks they have, and FI and I picked out a cute vest from JCPenney (in black) and a nice red shirt that is close to the color of our groomsmen and bridesmaid outfits. 

We figured our guys would likely have something they may need a black dressy vest for in the future, and it was only $50 for the dress shirt and vest together rather than over $100 for the tux.


OP- I don't know about your tux place, but ours said they can get measured anywhere and just email the measurements.  Also, if he doesn't want to have a tux, but you have your heart set on the ushers being in tuxes is there anyone else you'd consider?  If your FI really wants him in the wedding, would it be possible for you to pick a vest and shirt from a department store to have both your cousins purchase?  It may end up causing less drama and stress (and we all know stress is something we want to avoid right?).

Good luck!!

jjolovich

I didn't think ushers wore the full blown tux, our ushers are just wearing black jeans with white shirts vests and ties(I think) Fi may have had them do the full blown tux, and Ushers are part of your wedding party, so I would think you would want at least one picture of them...but thats just my thoughts.

If he doesn't want to order the tux then I guess have him back down, but only if he really doesn't want to do the tux thing.

Lena2317

I wouldnt require them to wear tuxes but my ushers are really serving as greeters

bridejl

Thanks for the responses everyone. I still don't know what we're going to do, need to talk to FH, but it sounds like we have two options: let then wear suits or have him back out of being an usher.

In this area it is common for ushers to wear tuxes- to me it seemed like an obvious fact, since they are part of the bridal party (it's not like we only asked them to be ushers to do work- we wanted them to be part of our day). So I guess I never realized that they may not go for the tuxes. News to me.

saraschilling88

We consider our ushers as part of the wedding party too, which is why we chose vests and shirts in colors as close to our tux/dress colors as possible.