fmil/ffil and sil and bil staying with us!?!

i2012do

I am super stressed about this
my future inlaws are really stressing over cash for the wedding.

They originally offered to pay for the rehearsal then said they couldnt afford it last month, after we had already booked something that was "in their budget". Instead of them paying my fi's aunt and uncle offered to pay in leiu of a wedding gift. Not to be greedy, but this is no gift to US its a gift to his parents, and so we are accepting this "gift" and what not. I gues we could have paid- but I think it was kind of an embarassment factor w his parents and they are pretending to still be paying- and his aunt and uncle are "secretly" sending us a check--anyway...

Then they made a big stink about the hotel rooms, and they are all sharing one hotel room. My fiance had originally asked them to stay in their room the night before the wedding- and we Gave them money for the hotel room to split it, and now they have loaded in 3 other people into the room.... so we ended up booking another hotel room. And so now we are out the $280.00 for a second hotel room. PLUS the money we contributed to their hotel room. They are saving money left and right, abd they didint even offer to give us the $150.00 back we gave to them for the hotel, or EVEN offer to say "we will hold onto it and use it to give your vendors tips, or put it towards the cake" or something wedding related. I feel like they are MAKING money on us!

NOW his parents have called and said that because the cheapest flight out they could get was a Wednesday they are staying a few extra days rather than fly home on like a mon/tues (which doesnt make sense, you saved $30 on a flight,m to pay two etra nights hotel)
Fiance and I are leaving on Monday for our honeymoon

so they have asked to stay, my in laws, brother in law, sister in law and their grandmother in our apartment when we leave for our honeymoon for two days.

We live in a 700 sq foot one bedroom apartment with a small living room.
my in laws are no short of dirty and messy. their house could be featured on hoarders or... clean house or something. I am so stressed out about 5 people staying in our tiny apartment!!
Then they asked to USE my car during their stay at our apartment.
I really don't feel comfortable, we just bought a new car in february its my first new car i have ever owned and i pay a lot on it each month- i really dont want anything happening to it, plus i have been trying to keep the miles down for trade in value-- and they want to drive to new york, boston, maine etc with my car.

I don't feel comfortable AT ALL with this, for the record fi's car is an older accord, so we wouldn't want them to use that car either incase it died and then we are responsible to buy another car (lukcily fiance's ride to work it 4 miles so he rides his bike in the summer for excercise.. and only uses the car on the weekends and during the winter)

I really don't feel comfortable w them staying in our apt either- but my fiance keeps insisting that i am being rude and unaccomodating to his family.
I just feel like its A LOT to stress over, esp if we just want to have a relaxing vacation and honeymoon.

I am total type A and keep my apartment neat as a pin. I am really obsessive about cleaning it and it being neat. So Instead of going home the day after the wedding packing for our honeymoon and leaving at 4 am. I have to worrya bout getting up at3 am and changing sheets and cleaning bathrooms for House guests?!!?

It makes me so totally mad that they even asked.
The money thing wouldnt be and issue- but i feel like they USED us to pay for hald their hotel room, and then now we are paying for them to stay in our apt and a car full of gas etc?
Which wouldnt be a problem if they really were struggling
but fiance and i made teh sacrafice to have a long engagment to give them time to save, and all they have done is go on vacations or go gambling in vegas!!if you were really strapped for cash would you go to vegas to gamble?

mrsR12

wow, i dont blame you for being upset.  the rehearsal dinner is one thing, then the hotel is another.  staying in your apt while you're gone is something else, but borrowing your brand new car and driving to nyc?  that's too much.  

while i see that-ok so they can't afford the dinner and someone else stepped up that's good.  the hotel-it's one night so you can manage.  

i would say just look at the apt situation as just the 2 days and you can clean up if anything once you get back (even though i wouldn't have like it either).  

but can you talk to your FI at all about the car?  there are trains and busses from all over coming to boston and NYC.  having lived and still work in the city, i would not rec'd anyone driving into the city with a well kept new car unless you have a reserved parking spot.  not sure where they are coming from, but driving in nyc is another skill set.  

i dont want to over stress you but just letting you know that i agree with your frustration.  

talk to your FI about the car atleast so that you're being "accommodating" but standing your ground as well....compromising

mbatzlaff

My FI and I talked about the fact that we will need some alone time around our wedding and therefore we would not host any house guests that week. If it was me I'd have FI talk to his family and tell them they can not stay. I'm not comfortable with people staying in our apartment while we are gone...and using the car would be totally rediculous. I barely let FI drive my car. You are well within the bounds to say "no" to the whole thing. It sounds like they are taking advantage of you. If they can't afford to stay those extra days they should change the plane ticket. Remember, while they stay in your apartment they will also get free food and free gas. If you already put some money towards the hotel room, they can pay their share and split it a number of ways to make it affordable for them or find a cheaper hotel. 

Do what you think is best, thats just my opinion.

libby2483

In Response to Re:fmil/ffil and sil and bil staying with us!?!:[QUOTE]My FI and I talked about the fact that we will need some alone time around our wedding and therefore we would not host any house guests that week. If it was me I'd have FI talk to his family and tell them they can not stay. I'm not comfortable with people staying in our apartment while we are gone...and using the car would be totally rediculous. I barely let FI drive my car. You are well within the bounds to say "no" to the whole thing. It sounds like they are taking advantage of you. If they can't afford to stay those extra days they should change the plane ticket. Remember, while they stay in your apartment they will also get free food and free gas.nbsp;If you already put some money towards the hotel room, they can pay their share and split it a number of ways to make it affordable for them or find a cheaper hotel.nbsp;Do what you think is best, thats just my opinion. Posted by mbatzlaff[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. If I were in your situation, I would talk to my FI and then let him tell his family NO. They are being unreasonable, and it is perfectly fine to put your foot down and say you aren't comfortable. I had a friend who got married this month, and she had friends and family ask to stay at her house. One friend even had the nerve to ask if he could crash there the night before the wedding. She told everyone no, and they all managed to find a hotel. She is so glad she told people no because it saved her so much stress.

bridejl

I am so sorry that your in-laws have put you in this situation. It sounds like you have been very accomodating to their financial situation thus far, and it also kind of sounds like they are trying to take advantage of you and your kindness. If you have a gut, bad feeling about this then I would say, follow it. I'm kind of keeping an eye out for this this to be requested of us by my future in-laws, but I am against having house guests that weekend because 1. we are going to be so stressed and frazzled 2. as new husband and wife we should be able to come home to our home, alone the day after the wedding and 3. I am not comfortable with anyone being in my husband's and my home/apartment without us.

I hope that outlining my reasons helps you make a decision. Good luck! Keep us updated on how it goes.

i2012do

I didn't even think about not being comfortable with someone in our home without us. But I kind of agree. I don't feel comfortable when I think about it with 5 people being in our apartment alone. Not to mention, his dad has gambling problems and we will have hundreds of dollars of gifts in our home- and I don't really trust him -if that sounds so awful than so be it.
Fiance said i am being disrespectful to his family to pass such harsh judgements. but I think he is a bit blinded to his family since they have taken advantage of him FOR years. (case in point, we met them in vegas one time for a family vacation and when his parents arrived for check in at the hotel, they called my fiance down to the lobby and asked him to pay for their room. then they never ONCE took out their wallet the entire weekend to pay for dinner or lunch or so much as a soda.. this was 4 years ago when my fiane was only 22!)

lb1212

I think it's always a tricky subject when saying anything negative about in-laws - regardless of how true it is!  I know I get defensive when FI says negative stuff about my mom, even when he's right. 
About them asking to stay in your apartment, "I'm not comfortable with that" really should be enough.  Even without the messiness, size of the apartment, etc., that's a huge invasion of your privacy!  Good luck!

spazticrexe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_fmilffil-and-sil-and-bil-staying-with-us?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:da885dec-d10b-4490-bdb4-e421b1934cecPost:c7ceeca7-14b7-4c47-951b-b176c024de6f">Re: fmil/ffil and sil and bil staying with us!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Fiance said i am being disrespectful to his family to pass such harsh judgements.
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

...but what about them being disrepectful of you as a newly married couple? You guys deserve to go on your honeymoon and not be worried about what may or may not be happening to your home and vehicle. Not to mention that you are simply not comfortable with it....

Just from what you've said, these seem like people who are in need of boundaries - now's the time to set them and don't back down.

bridejl

i2012do, for the record I don't think you're being too harsh, so please don't beat yourself up over it. It's being realistic based on their past actions...it's their fault, not yours- you simply recognize it as a sort of "outsider." (I mean, you bring a different perspective, having not been in the family your whole life- I can relate- FH sometimes says I tend to sound "harsh" about his family too...) I hope this situation goes well for you!