xp" awk about bm dress shopping?

i2012do

Does anyone else feel awk about bm dress shopping, i mean the whole paying thing...?
I guess i never thought about it, because i know my friends all come fromt he same socio-economic background that i do.
 but then my FSIL told me she couldnt affrod a dress and asked if she could just wear something she "already owns".

Now i feel awkward. I mean i know my friends all know buying bridesmaid dresses is the "thing" you just do. But I feel like i am going to feel so stupid when we go shopping and then-- i am liek "ok ladies, get out your credit cards" lol
not really, but like standing upaat hte counter like ordering the dresses. and me sitting back watching them whip out their wallets I feel like i am going to feel so uncomfortable!

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_xp-awk-bm-dress-shopping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:e028aa25-4b7d-44a0-869f-f683df11e75ePost:7f09899c-b000-42d2-968a-fc7d9ec72fac">Re: xp" awk about bm dress shopping?</a>:
[QUOTE]The appropriate thing to do is to speak with each of your privates separately and privately, and ask them what they are able to afford for a dress.  If you really want a bigger budget than one (or a few) can afford, then you might want to help them with the cost.  If you truly can't or don't want to help pay for a dress, and FSIL can't afford one, perhaps letting them each pick their own dress - which would allow them to wear something they already own - would be a good solution. You don't have to have them all pay that day.  You guys can look at dresses, and then just ask them all to arrange to purchase the decided upon dress by X date.  They can order it from the shop you found, or if they want, they can order from an online retailer or something that is cheaper.  Pearl's Place is often much less expensive!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I've already spoken to all my bridesmaids and know their budgets. We talked about htis a long time ago. And I know where they all stand finacnially and all have said, whatever I like- don't worry about the price (within reason) we are all pretty much from the same kind of economic background, so its not liek 20 is going to make or break the decision. Itook their budgets and chose a few dresses that were under budget to allow for alterations etc. So Its not really that any of them have a lower budget than the dress I like.
i dont mean to be rude. but I feel like I told FSIL 2 years ago and asked her, and if she couldnt afford it, then she should have said something or could have said no. All my other bridesmaids can afford a dress. They let me know their budget and i have chosen a few in that budget.

I'm willing to help FSIL but i can't really afford to pay for her entire dress.

i guess i am torn between totally letting my entire vision of the day go and sacraficing it so FSIL can wear something she "already owns" and just saying "this is teh dress we are getting. It costs X amout and I can put down a deposit of X amount but the rest is on you, please let me know if this is an issue"

I feel rude to do that, but i feel like not to be a bridezilla- but i have to change my entier look of my wedding (she doesnt own anything that remotely would work with the "look" we are going for) and change things around just to appease her. When she could have simply said No, and has had 2 yrs to save...

i dont know what the "right" thing to do is. and i dont really thinkt here is a right thing

but i am getting off topic.
anyway,- was just wonderinf if anyone else, even know my bridesmaids can afford the dresses and have the ability to do so, still feels awk about liek hanigng back while they go order it. Its just like a strange feeling.I dont think there is another time in your life, you pick out  or at least guide people to what someone is going to wear and havethem pay for it.

calindi

The appropriate thing to do is to speak with each of your privates separately and privately, and ask them what they are able to afford for a dress.  If you really want a bigger budget than one (or a few) can afford, then you might want to help them with the cost.  If you truly can't or don't want to help pay for a dress, and FSIL can't afford one, perhaps letting them each pick their own dress - which would allow them to wear something they already own - would be a good solution.

You don't have to have them all pay that day.  You guys can look at dresses, and then just ask them all to arrange to purchase the decided upon dress by X date.  They can order it from the shop you found, or if they want, they can order from an online retailer or something that is cheaper.  Pearl's Place is often much less expensive!

LGM22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_xp-awk-bm-dress-shopping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:e028aa25-4b7d-44a0-869f-f683df11e75ePost:f124e721-3768-40de-a049-12b1e5710dd6">xp" awk about bm dress shopping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Does anyone else feel awk about bm dress shopping, i mean the whole paying thing...? I guess i never thought about it, because i know my friends all come fromt he same socio-economic background that i do.  but then my FSIL told me she couldnt affrod a dress and asked if she could just wear something she "already owns". Now i feel awkward. I mean i know my friends all know buying bridesmaid dresses is the "thing" you just do. But I feel like i am going to feel so stupid when we go shopping and then-- i am liek "ok ladies, get out your credit cards" lol not really, but like standing upaat hte counter like ordering the dresses. and me sitting back watching them whip out their wallets I feel like i am going to feel so uncomfortable!
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

So I replied on your other XP but I'll say it here too to get other opinions in as well.  I like it when all the BMs have the same dress so that's how I'll have it in my wedding.  However, I want the BMs to like their dress.  I told my sister and SIl who live out easter (I'm in WA) that we'd like to have them come out for a girl's weekend (and we'd help/would fly them out) and we'd go dress shopping that weekend and all the BMs would choose a dress together.  Sadly Sister and SIL haven't been very forthcoming with availability so I'm not sure this is going to happen.  If not it will be a matter of online David's Bridal shopping.  But I want them all to agree on a style, price and color of purple they like. 
I'm trying to be laid back and not force them into an expensive or ugly dress they won't like.  But I think the whole buying a dress is par for course in weddings. 

spazticrexe

You don't necessarily have to pay for her whole dress - maybe half would suffice to bring the dress into her budget?

I definitely wouldn't re-design your whole wedding over a dress for one person, that just seems a bit silly.

ETA: I think calindi is right on the money with the suggestion that you all go and pick out a dress and then you give a deadline for your girls to order the dress. There are only 2 things they *have* to do, 1) wear the dress you pick and 2) show up.

 If your FSIL can't manage to get the dress, she's self-selected out of your wedding party. If you guys have a discussion and work out a way for her to afford the dress, that'd be ideal - but there's only so much slack you can give. There's nothing rude about that.

bmetz34

I know what you mean... I'm letting each girl pick her dress and I went shopping with a friend today, and I still felt akward when she was asking which dresses I wanted her to try on.  I'm not big on telling people what to do, I just want everyone to be happy!  So yeah, I get the akwardness of watching someone pay for something you are asking them to buy for your event.  Maybe just think in your head that they could be buying a new dress for a wedding anyway.  As far as your FSIL, ask her what her budget would include, and maybe offer to cover the difference.  Either that or split the dress with her.  But seriously, give Pearls Place a call.  They gave me a $103 price on a dress that was $190.  Maybe just give your BM's the option of ordering from the store near you, or Pearls Place.

kap617

Most people have already chimed in with answers I agree with, but I wanted to add:

I don't really have your issue because FI and I have decided to keep our wedding party small--my sister is my MOH and his brother is this best man.  That's it.

However, I was MOH in my best friend's wedding in the summer of 2010 and we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses together and we all paid right then and there, and it wasn't weird at all.  I knew I was paying (as did the other bridesmaids).  The bride just sat back as we all whipped out our cards, etc.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel weird, I can see how one would feel awkward!  But, coming from the point of view of a bridesmaid, I didn't think twice about it.

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_xp-awk-bm-dress-shopping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:e028aa25-4b7d-44a0-869f-f683df11e75ePost:a3924e30-6284-4889-b1bd-10256a43c110">Re: xp" awk about bm dress shopping?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FSIL has the same issue (she says she can't see spending over $50 on a dress) but I ended up finding my dress and told her this is it and if you can find the same dress somewhere else for cheaper then great, but this is what we are wearing. I didn't want to sound rude but I can't make everyone happy, and am trying to accommodate them as much as I can.
Posted by wilcoxin2012[/QUOTE]

i totally envy your ability to do that. this is exactly the way I FEEL. but i am so afriad to SAY that in actuality.

fignewton219

My FSIL has the same issue (she says she can't see spending over $50 on a dress) but I ended up finding my dress and told her this is it and if you can find the same dress somewhere else for cheaper then great, but this is what we are wearing.
I didn't want to sound rude but I can't make everyone happy, and am trying to accommodate them as much as I can.

owengirl996

Looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice.

I managed to avoid that issue, thankfully. I took two of my BMs shopping (the other two wanted to come but couldn't) for the dresses, and in the end, I ended up picking it out. They were both more than willing to try the dresses on, and I ended up not liking the one I'd originally wanted that I saw in a magazine. Anyway, long story short, my cousin doesn't like it...but she's dealing with it lol The other girl with me didn't express that she doesn't like it, but I'm not sure she's a huge fan...just kept saying she'll wear it for me. Cost really wasn't a factor at all...nobody was asking how much it would cost. My sister is my MOH so my mom (who was also with us) is paying for hers. They are all aware they need to be ordered by February so they have time to get any alterations done. We picked them out in October, so I felt that 5 months was plenty of time for them to come up with the $200 for them. I did offer to help out my other best friend who wasn't with us, just to be polite, but she said it'd be no problem.

But, all of my BMs (not my MOH) are married and have good jobs, or their husbands do, so that's probably why I wasn't asking prices of dresses, and was more looking for something I really wanted.