Alcohol "Etiquette"

bobbilynne&david

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:77743a85-05a3-4ca3-a925-9cfcf5cc86d6">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : It's not only YOUR day when you involve other people. And no, my family would be really disappointed if I did something that embarassed them. They wouldn't just "understand."
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

NO.  A wedding day only belongs to two people.  At least, ours is. 

It sounds like your family has a heavy hand in your wedding.  And if they're the ones that are paying for it, then that makes perfect sense.  But WE are paying for our wedding.  WE are getting married.  And we are excited to share that moment with our families & friends.  But I like to think that the friends that we truly love and care about enough to actually send them an invite (because there are plenty who didn't make the cut) are not going to judge us on things like whether or not we had a cash bar.

bobbilynne&david

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:39e59789-55fb-4684-bc3d-f685e75c4b8d">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally dont understand why everyone is ganging up on me for defending this girl.  If it makes you feel better about yourself to degrade other people then go for it, that above all shows real class.  I'm sure your wedding will be spectacular!  Have a great night.
Posted by Desiri Havener[/QUOTE]

D- I appreciate your comments.  It is nice to have someone not flame me today.

Note:  God looks out for his kiddos, it seems...got word that my FH's parents have decided to chip in some extra $$ which should more than cover the cost of the alcohol, so it's a non-issue now.

My last two cents on the topic:  A wedding is one day.  A marriage is a lifetime.  And it's the marriage that really matters. All the other details are trivial.  I refuse to get caught up in trying to make "the perfect day" because there is no such thing.  It's a very special day, because I get to marry the man I love...beyond that, what else matters?    We'd be having a backyard BBQ reception if I didn't have 100+ people in my family.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:891128e5-09e6-4b33-bcb8-0b51d0ac3291">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, I had no idea you were an expert.  I should have known better.  Please can you send me a copy of your "I know everything about weddings, and everyone else is stupid" book I would love to learn a few things.  Honestly this isnt about me or my wedding I'm doing what everyone else is doing stating an opinion.  No one has a right or wrong opinion.  If you dont like what I have to say then dont read it.  
Posted by Desiri Havener[/QUOTE]

Panties in a bunch much? I am not an expert and do not claim to "know everything" about weddings. You are most certainly entitled to your opinion... but your opinion goes against the proper wedding etiquette, which is precisely what the OP asked about.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:a5ab2383-12c6-427f-8c7a-d00f0a1bb117">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : NO.  A wedding day only belongs to two people.  At least, ours is.  It sounds like your family has a heavy hand in your wedding.  And if they're the ones that are paying for it, then that makes perfect sense.  But WE are paying for our wedding.  WE are getting married.  And we are excited to share that moment with our families & friends.  But I like to think that the friends that we truly love and care about enough to actually send them an invite (because there are plenty who didn't make the cut) are not going to judge us on things like whether or not we had a cash bar.
Posted by bobbilynne&david[/QUOTE]

A wedding itself is between two people. A wedding day involving guests is about a multitude of people - anyone and everyone involved in that day. Hence a reception, to thank your guests for joining you in your wedding. If YOU are paying for the wedding, then pay for EVERYTHING. Your guests should not be expected to help YOU pay for YOUR wedding, especially when your attitude is "it's all about US"! And just because none of your family will say to your face "I think it's tacky..." doesn't mean they aren't thinking it or saying it to each other.

tarafina32

no one will be talking about the dancing and fun vibe at your wedding that alcahol may "enhance" according to your post, they will be talking about the fact that they had to pay for it.  Also, keep in mind that today- who carrys cash? How about if someone wants a drink and doesnt have the cash for it, are they gonna leave to find an ATM.  ALso, keep in mind, this will DETRACT from your envelopes.  I write a check for the couple once I get there and check out the decor, food options and venue.  This will end up out of your pocket one way or another- Dont be penny wise and pound foolish.

Now, with that said - here is your solution:  Do not offer a full bar and do not keep your Bar open the whole time. 

Consider 1-2 beer selections out of a keg or even bottles you can get on sale and throw in an ice chest and 1-2 signature drinks that can be made in vats maybe a Sangria and a girly cosmo or something.  These are mostly filler juices and wont cost a ton.  Open your bar before dinner.  Close it down through dinner service and speeches and toss the boquet  and then open it for dancing and the end of the party.

Give everyone under 21 a wristband so your "socially responsible"

Good luck

sklink0486

Desiri, actually, these aren't just opinions. If you spend any time on the Etiquette board (which it sounds like you may need to) or spend any time looking at the Etiquette sections of any other wedding website, you would find out that there is such a thing as proper etiquette for wedding for a reason. It is because you are essentially hosting a party in celebration of your wedding and therefore it does involve other people. It's so that you are considerate to your guests and you don't look like a total *sshole like you do right now...

And as for people ganging up on the OP, we are just trying to give her good advice. People respond to your posts because your advice is not considerate of guests and therefore not proper etiquette.

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:a5ab2383-12c6-427f-8c7a-d00f0a1bb117">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" :<strong> NO.  A wedding day only belongs to two people.  At least, ours is.</strong>  It sounds like your family has a heavy hand in your wedding.  And if they're the ones that are paying for it, then that makes perfect sense.  But WE are paying for our wedding.  WE are getting married.  And we are excited to share that moment with our families & friends.  But I like to think that the friends that we truly love and care about enough to actually send them an invite (because there are plenty who didn't make the cut) are not going to judge us on things like whether or not we had a cash bar.
Posted by bobbilynne&david[/QUOTE]

Unless you're eloping, your wedding day ceases to be "all about you" the minute you involve others.  Good luck with your planning, though!

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:e6e00f48-4891-47dd-b071-4f90c3ebf63e">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, some of these responses have been nothing but rude.  Honestly it shouldn't be that big of a deal. <strong> Its YOUR wedding</strong>, do what you want.  Maybe if you wanted to restrict the amount of drinks you could give out "drink tickets"  say two per guest?  Just a thought, good luck.  Also don't let these "rude" people get you down!  Your wedding will be great!
Posted by Desiri Havener[/QUOTE]

Extra special good luck to you with that.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:a5ab2383-12c6-427f-8c7a-d00f0a1bb117">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : NO.  A wedding day only belongs to two people.  At least, ours is.  It sounds like your family has a heavy hand in your wedding.  And if they're the ones that are paying for it, then that makes perfect sense.  But WE are paying for our wedding.  WE are getting married.  And we are excited to share that moment with our families & friends.  But I like to think that the friends that we truly love and care about enough to actually send them an invite (because there are plenty who didn't make the cut) are not going to judge us on things like whether or not we had a cash bar.
Posted by bobbilynne&david[/QUOTE]

I'm already married and I paid for my own wedding. I also planned it on my own with help from my husband and basically no input from my family who, after all, did not contribute, nor do they live near me. I just used the etiquette rules I was raised with and applied them to the most important social event I have hosted thusfar. Trust me, my family thought my wedding was lovely.

And what I meant was that when you involve other people in your wedding as guests, you have to take their needs into consideration. For example, you might really love peanut butter cookies, but if most of your guests are allergic to nuts, you would probably compromise and not serve them. Obviously there are lots of decisions that won't affect the guests, like what your dress looks likes or whether or not you get professional make up. But things that do affect the guests, like food and drink, are things your are doing FOR the guests.

If anyone is interested in a basic book on proper wedding etiquette, check out Emily Post or the Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.

bobbilynne&david

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:84305c3a-b0e2-4b51-8a49-2c5bd16014b1">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : I'm already married and I paid for my own wedding. I also planned it on my own with help from my husband and basically no input from my family who, after all, did not contribute, nor do they live near me. I just used the etiquette rules I was raised with and applied them to the most important social event I have hosted thusfar. Trust me, my family thought my wedding was lovely. And what I meant was that when you involve other people in your wedding as guests, you have to take their needs into consideration. For example, you might really love peanut butter cookies, but if most of your guests are allergic to nuts, you would probably compromise and not serve them. Obviously there are lots of decisions that won't affect the guests, like what your dress looks likes or whether or not you get professional make up. But things that do affect the guests, like food and drink, are things your are doing FOR the guests. If anyone is interested in a basic book on proper wedding etiquette, check out Emily Post or the Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

And we have.  Originally, all we really wanted was a beach wedding with just our immediate family, and then have a casual reception with everyone a few weeks later back home.  But unfortunately, Missouri is rather far from the beach, so it was going to cost us considerably more to get our small intimate guest list to the beach than it would to have a big wedding here in town, so we adapted.  And now that small intimate guest list includes everyone we wanted to have at the reception (because our venue is an all-in-one, with outdoor chapel & indoor reception area for up to 250 people) because it didn't seem to make sense to have plenty of seating & no additional cost and NOT invite them to both.

As far as food, we're serving a wide array of buffet style finger foods so pretty much everyone can find something they like... we have 3 different flavors of cupcakes (none of which are peanut butter because we do have family that are allergic) 3 different kinds of mints (2/3 of which I'm making myself), wide selection of non-alcoholic drinks (including root beer floats), we've personally selected all the music that will be played at the reception to ensure that it's all family-friendly with no foul language, and we opted to not do a full bar because we want to maintain a family friendly atmosphere, and we figured our out of town friends & family members with kids might decline coming if they thought it was going to be a booze fest.

So yes...we do consider our guests because they are our friends & loved ones... but sometimes the pocketbook has a way of putting poor ideas into your head. Especially when you know that only about 50 of the 150-200 people at your wedding will be drinking.

bobbilynne&david

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:98ebc554-69c2-4af6-aca4-286f7c9d6df6">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE] I write a check for the couple once I get there and check out the decor, food options and venue.  This will end up out of your pocket one way or another- Dont be penny wise and pound foolish.
Posted by tarafina32[/QUOTE]

Really?  I don't want to be rude...but that seems sort of superficial to me.  Maybe customs are different in different areas.  Here in the midwest, particularly for two kids who came from off the map towns of less than 2,500, I can't say I've ever valued a gift based on what they spent on their wedding.

blush64

I think you should really consider what most people are telling you. Don't charge your guests for anything because it is rude. In different areas I hear different things are done but if you are asking about it I assume this isn't usually done in your area.

You asked for opinions on what you plan to do and mine is simple, don't charge for anything. It is rude, just don't do it.

bobbilynne&david

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:298f3b6f-1f17-436a-99cf-dc409fcffb36">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : You have already said you are not doing this, right?  So, why are you still arguing with Mery?  I'm not trying to be mean, I'm honestly just trying to understand.  You had an idea, it was a bad one that was rude to your guests, you were told that by a LOT of people, you thought about it and decided they were right, and yet now you seem to be back to defending your bad idea.  I honestly don't get it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I'm not defending the bad idea, which is now a non-issue.  I'm defending myself against the idea that we have been 100% selfish and not considered our guests at all while planning our wedding.

KellyBrian2013

If only 50 people will be drinking out of you 150+...
A) ... you shouldn't be spending that much money on the bar to begin with, as 50 people drinking just beer/wine isn't going to be that many people or that much money. (Especially when you consider that of those 50 people, there are probably a few who do not care for beer or wine and thus will opt not to drink.)
... you will be targeting only a very small amount of your guests, which will likely make them bitter that THEY are footing part of the bill when the rest of your guests are not. How much money are you honestly going to make by charging 50 guests $1 a piece? $3 per person? $5 per person? Wow, a whopping $250? Is that really worth pissing off a decent percentage of your guests? IMO, no.

As for writing the check when you get there - that is quite common. A lot of people write the check to the couple taking into account that amount the couple (or their family) spent on the reception, honoring the guests.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:c5a23021-5996-4885-b585-d5618fdb093b">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : And we have.  Originally, all we really wanted was a beach wedding with just our immediate family, and then have a casual reception with everyone a few weeks later back home.  But unfortunately, Missouri is rather far from the beach, so it was going to cost us considerably more to get our small intimate guest list to the beach than it would to have a big wedding here in town, so we adapted.  And now that small intimate guest list includes everyone we wanted to have at the reception (because our venue is an all-in-one, with outdoor chapel & indoor reception area for up to 250 people) because it didn't seem to make sense to have plenty of seating & no additional cost and NOT invite them to both. As far as food, we're serving a wide array of buffet style finger foods so pretty much everyone can find something they like... we have 3 different flavors of cupcakes (none of which are peanut butter because we do have family that are allergic) 3 different kinds of mints (2/3 of which I'm making myself), wide selection of non-alcoholic drinks (including root beer floats), we've personally selected all the music that will be played at the reception to ensure that it's all family-friendly with no foul language, and we opted to not do a full bar because we want to maintain a family friendly atmosphere, and we figured our out of town friends & family members with kids might decline coming if they thought it was going to be a booze fest. So yes...we do consider our guests because they are our friends & loved ones... but sometimes the pocketbook has a way of putting poor ideas into your head. Especially when you know that only about 50 of the 150-200 people at your wedding will be drinking.
Posted by bobbilynne&david[/QUOTE]

That sounds really lovely. I love root beer floats.

It doesn't sound like the alcohol will be as expensive as it could be, you know? A keg, a case of wine, and when it's gone it's gone.

sklink0486

I agree with you Lucy, that is extremely offensive that someone would judge a wedding and then decide how much to give in their check. I'd rather not have their money at all. I'd rather not have any contact with them after that at all if I knew they did that. 

lsk40

So you guys base your gift to a loved one on one day I have never done that and I would never do that

Savanna111911

The other thing that I think has to be considered is, and i know I might be crucified for saying this...but back to what someone earlier had mentioned about guests talking behind your back.

Well yes, they might. I certainly know that I have some guests that would talk behind my back if I happened to have a wedding that had a cash bar. That being said, I also think I would have just as many if not more talk if I had a dry wedding. Given the choice between a dry wedding and a cash bar, i personally would choose cash bar. In my opinion (and I do realize that most of you do not agree with me) the guests that are coming to my wedding would rather pay a little money for their drinks, and have the option of drinking, than not even have the option.

You really do have to consider what is generally accepted in most of the social circles you are in. Have you been to cash bar weddings? Or have most of them or all of them been open? Have you been to dry weddings? What is expected of your area and your circle?

I know that cash bar is not ideal, and I know that a cash bar is always going to be a no no by most ettiquette books, and most folks on this board or the ettiquette board or any other wedding message board.  However, you have to consider that you know your guests more than we know your guests, or than the authors of the ettiquette books know your guests. I know that I personally have been to cash bar and dry weddings, and I heard a lot more complaints about the dry weddings. But that may not be the circles that you're in.

That being said, you will need to check out the legal side of it. Can you even charge the dollar? How much money will that 1 dollar per drink really save you? etc.

Good luck!

Savanna111911

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_alcohol-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:23Discussion:323a3408-3b76-4628-bd44-905e868c2fafPost:5f604cc6-7ce0-430c-adf9-67fd3dc1a8cf">Re: Alcohol "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette" : Really?  I don't want to be rude...but that seems sort of superficial to me.  Maybe customs are different in different areas.  Here in the midwest, particularly for two kids who came from off the map towns of less than 2,500, I can't say I've ever valued a gift based on what they spent on their wedding.
Posted by bobbilynne&david[/QUOTE]
This.

HelloSTL

Good luck with your wedding reception! Aren't they a huge pain in the @ss to plan and pay for?  I don't want to spend a lot of money either.  There are many more important things to save my money for. House downpayment, daycare once we have a baby, etc.   Spending $7,000 on food and booze for 100 people makes me angry.  But unfortunately there is no way to get out of it. Really. I've tried. A lot.

If you want to have a cash bar or no booze at all...then I say GO FOR IT!   You are the one planning and paying for everything so you can do whatever you want.

amyderrah

Is there a "Like" button on here somewhere?  'Cause I like this!  well said BeccaMichelleS   I often stalk on Knot boards, but I find when I need a dose of reality I have to head on over to Offbeat Weddings, where the writers are way more sensitive and open to individual ideas and changing traditions (this isn't a plug, I've just been loving it lately!).  Anyway, I'd say relax!  Where I'm from, if I went to a wedding and drinks were only a dollar I'd be thrilled!  Think of it this way, rather than the venue serving it at about $6 a glass, you're doing your guests a favor and serving it to them at $1, that's great of you!  go on and have a laugh at this -  http://offbeatbride.com/2008/07/tacky

KatyLoveee

As my FH and I are just having a small 25-person dinner following our ceremony, we're buying the food and offering 2 drinks per person (beer or wine only). If they want liquor, they can buy their own. My mother is throwing us a party in my hometown after our honeymoon, and she's supplying a limited amount of alcohol (1 keg, 1 case of red wine, 1 case of white wine, and 1 bottle each of select liquors). Once it's gone, it's gone. I don't think asking your guests to pay for their booze is wrong or rude, because it's actually pretty expensive.

Forget the haters that think you're rude.

jessicabessica

I am getting to this a little late, but I wanted to point out something that I didn't see PPs mention: charging $1 per drink is not the way to make sure people don't get smashed and/or drive under the influence.  If you are worried about people controlling their alcohol intake, you need to hire a bartender and/or have a list of cab companies available.  If you are buying and serving the alcohol, make sure you have insurance in case something does happen.  Different states have different laws, but it's something you should really consider regardless of whether or not you decide to charge or not.  I think hiring a bartender could help you with this issue, too. 

And, OP, I think you've taken the advice given very well.  I generally agree with the commenters that pointed out why this is not a good idea and that it's probably not legal, anyways. 

ShadowSpark

My fiance and I have to provide all the alcohol for our reception if we want any, and I can tell you it is not going to be cheap. We decided on sparkling wine rather than champagne and are getting a keg of beer. Once that is gone, its gone. Our bartender (who is also the person running our reception hall, big money saver) actually suggested a cash bar that way no one drinks too much and gets out of hand. We are having a very family oriented wedding, everyone on the guest list is allowed to bring their kids (and there are several people who have three) so we really need to limit alcohol comsumption. I fully understand why you would want to charge for alcohol, and I'm sure if you explained it to your guests they will too. It makes sense to me, and honestly, a buck a glass for beer is a better deal than you will ever get anywhere else, especially if it is a good beer.

ShadowSpark

In Response to Re: Alcohol "Etiquette":
[QUOTE Here in the midwest, particularly for two kids who came from off the map towns of less than 2,500, I can't say I've ever valued a gift based on what they spent on their wedding.
Posted by bobbilynne&david[/QUOTE]


I live in the Midwest as well and I can positively tell you that a cash bar is not uncommon. My bartender told me it would be smarter if we had one. It will help keep the guests from getting too drunk. You said your family doesn't drink a lot. That means they don't have much of a tolerance for alcohol. If you tell people that they have to pay for their alcoholic beverages it will discourage overindulging. Even if you just make it a cash bar after dinner, and make it all free before that, I think its fine. I've been to plenty of weddings that had cash bars and trust me, once people get a few drinks into them, they start to care a little less.