Non GIS advice

nikegrl688

Okay so I need advice...
Fi and I were engaged in Oct. We both changed jobs around the same time. We took big pay cuts but we afford our bills and have a few extra bucks if needed...
Fi doesnt want a long engagement but wants to wait to get married till finances are on track. I can agree with that since I pay all the bills... We have a little debt but manageable.
I want to plan a wedding for something next year so I can make pymts to vendors but he doesnt want to do that because he said our taste will change me between now and then. I will not put a wedding on credit cards... thats insane to me.
I am out of options at this point. I actually suggested JOP which was shot down by him as well. At the end of the day, I want to marry him. I dont care how... Idk what to do.

Do I stop trying to make plans completely because he does not know what he wants? 
Do I  let it go and bring it up at another time?
Am I doing something wrong?

nikegrl688

It makes sense... I have tried that. I found HIS dream wedding place, talked price and got a proposal drawn up and it was too expensive for him and he didnt like it... He said it was too out of the way for guests, us and not worth the money  

entropicbeauty

Sounds like you both need to compromise with eachother. You should both lay out what your vision is for the wedding and then find a good middle ground that fits a budget you can both agree on.

If JOP doesn't work for him, maybe you guys could compromise and do a small intimate wedding at a restaurant. A lot of restaurants have large rooms you can rent out (for real cheap) and then you would just pick up the tab at the end of the night.

Seriously if I had to do it over again I would just sign the dang papers at the court house and not have spent so much money on a single day - my husband insisted on having a fancy wedding though.

cevans11

Building on kwith's advice, maybe you can go ahead and start some of the general planning- start putting together a guest list, and get an idea for numbers. That'll help you set a budget, and have an idea of what kind/size venue you want. 

Boys tend to respond to logic. Maybe point out to him also, that depending on the type of venue, and time of year you want to get married, things like venue, caterer, photographer (ie- the big money items) often NEED to be booked a year or more in advance. And the things that are likely to change with taste (colors, clothing, flowers, etc) don't need to be decided on exactly. You can pick a venue and decide on decorations later. That way you can take your time paying, and not worry so much about taste. A lot of the planning isn't so much about your tastes, and is laying the groundwork for making those kinds of decisions. 

nikegrl688

I honestly have bought wedding rings... All I want is to go to the JOP with my mom and him and get married. He wants his family which I support fully because I love his family but they are broke and live in AZ and NC. He doesnt know what he wants and I am tired of trying to figure it out... He can ask me every week what our wedding plans are but shoots down anything I say and doesnt help. 
I am a planner... He is a go with the flow. We figured out how to live together. We communicate well and we have one major issue and thats money. He loves to spend it and I love to save it. 

I cannot for the life of me figure out wedding plans though? I feel like im missing something thats right in my face.  

nikegrl688

He wants big and laviousing wedding and I just want to be married... He wants friends he hasnt seen in 5 years there and I want my mom who lives here.... I will compromise if he will help me. I promised I would do whatever he wants as long as he would give me a little input and I dont feel that happening. I tried to talk to him and he says he doesnt have answers....

nikegrl688

Money is an issue because we need more. I save, he spends, we work it out. Its not an argument but every couple has a weak spot and thats ours. We work it out so its not an issue but... its a weak spot. He wont do pre marital counseling. He doesnt like people knowing out business and would kill me if he knew I was talking about this online.

nikegrl688

I will try that and see if I get some answers that way.

I will google this weekend.  I never get on here on the weekends so I will fill you in Monday. I will keep checking tonight though.

Thank you SOOO much

nikegrl688

I did not look at that so I will.  Thank you.

entropicbeauty

Nike - you have to realize right from the start that you're not going to be able to make everyone happy. Figure out what works for you and your FI and then work from there. Your FI sounds like he needs to have some more realistic expectations as well...if he keeps poo-pooing everything you're never going to get anywhere. Tell him he needs to give you CONSTRUCTIVE feedback - if he doesn't like your ideas he needs to tell you exactly why and then he has to offer a helpful suggestion on what might work for him.

nikegrl688

Entro, I completely agree with you!!!!
He is most definitly making this harder for me than it needs to be... I want him to help me since all he has been doing is shooting ideas down. I think this weekend I will try again after I google some specific questions like Kwith said and see if I can get ideas out of him...

Thanks girls!!

lindanp

We also both changed jobs unexpectedly - FI about a month after we booked our venue and set our date and me about a month after FI. It didn't change our income much but really affected how much time I had for planning/DIY projects (I took on a lot more hours and responsibility at work).

I agree with kwith.. Sounds to me like getting together some numbers would put it into perspective for both of you. If you are trying to compromise on what type of wedding and how much it will cost, knowing how far out that puts the wedding may make it easier to come to a happy middle. If the wedding you want will take 7 years to save up for, it will be obvious that a compromise is needed. Sometimes facts and spreadsheets are the way to go.

Hope this helps.

Lobsters25

I'm with entropic on this one - I'm hearing a ton about what he wants, and not much about what you want, aside from to be married.

The ladies gave fab, advice, of course, so I'll just add a bit to their comments...(sorry, this may be long)

-what about beginning to put money aside, so you can feel like you're planning?  maybe open an account that earns minimal interest, and add a few bucks to it each papycheck, so that the money can grow while you figure this out?

-ditto x 1 million on the compromise.  he cannot, imo, have world's biggest wedding while you're paying all of the bills.  I am big on saving, too, so H and I worked out a deal where a % of each of our paychecks (the same % to keep it fair) goes to savings, a % goes to the communal living costs, and a % goes to ourselves.  That way he can go spend the % for himself (which is the smallest % of the three) on alcohol, new gym clothes, whatever, and I don't have to stress about it.  If he spends all of his money on junk, it's nothing to me because the other two 'pots' for food, rent, big events, etc hasn't been touched.  So, while I don't recommend joint accounts until after marriage, maybe the % amount toward a wedding budget could be achieved.

-cost out a wedding for 200 with nice meals and a wine/beer bar, and show it to him.  then give him the alternatives.  also show him what it would cost to put on a credit card with interest, and how long it would take to pay that down (literally, count how much you could pay down each month-and then how long that would take with interest.)  

maybe it's just me, but I feel like if you're paying most of the bills, you should be in charge of what's in scope, and share what is financially in scope for you guys with him.  yes, he may want a big wedding, but he should also recognize what is most important to your relationship, and to you.

*another thought on the HUGE wedding scenario.  literally walk him through the day.  talk to him about how by the time you visit all of the tables, you will have missed your own dinner, and will miss most dances beside the first.  talk to him about ALL of the thank you notes you'll have to write. etc, etc.

so so so much love to you while you deal with this nike, but don't let the stress get to you, because it isn't worth it.  it will all work out for the best!  (ps, we had a 50 person wedding and it was amazingggg)

nikegrl688

I think I posted something wrong... the way we do bills is I handle them all because he hatesresponsibilty but he gives me money out of his check to help woth the bills. I dont care whay kind of wedding we have to be honest. I always dreamed of a ballroom blah blah but at the end of the day, im fine with whatever but with hom shooting down my ideas of what I think he wants... I feel like im crushing his dreams somehow. If we had my mom who lives in FL with us and his parents, I would be happy. He wants more so im fine but he wants something expensive to "impress" people and we dont have $$ like that. I will save for us but he doesnt want to be engaged long because he thinks it will be us rubbing it into other ppls faces somehow... we originally thought 75 max with fam and a few close friends. But he "needs" open bar for his friends and sit down meal but thays all he says. I priced hotels and its over 8000 for 75. Im doing this on my phone so im sorry.... I want to try to talk to him again. See what happens.

Lobsters25

no, I may have misread or skipped - very much likely the assumption/mis-read is my bad! sorry!

good luck with the conversation, and let us know how it goes (if you want, of course)! I am sure you both can come up with something fun!

nikegrl688

I will defintly check in with the budget girls and go from there. Fi just walked in and seems happy so I will burst his bubble tomorrow and see if I can get more info. I will definitly share mondau with you if you dont mind Any help at this point is a blessing. I dont want to stress... Thank you all sooo much!!!!! Seriously you are soo amazing

Lobsters25

Of course we don't mind!  I think this board and its lovely ladies are just as much about the non-gis stuff, as the gis stuff - and so what matters to you, matters to us!  And I promise to read better next time (and maybe put down the wine first...)

Have a great, hopefully not so stressful, weekend nike!

nikegrl688

I would never ask you to put the wine down!! Please dont I am thinking of a glass here soon... Have an amazing weekend as well!!!!!

nikegrl688

Enjoy Kwith. FI just said margaritas... man after my heart. Im jumping the wine ship... sorry girls. Have a happy weekend

jennylee813

Sorry I'm so late to the game - we were out snowmobiling. Been a craptastic week overall, and I'm ready to turn the page on it.

Anywho...

Nike, we're planning a very simple but fun wedding. I'm like you, it doesn't matter to me where or when, but FI wants the party and I'm cool with that (even with my family issues).

I got a dress from Nortstroms for a super price. If you're looking for a 'budget' dress and want something that's not overly fancy, try looking at destination dresses or even bridesmaid dresses (most can be ordered in white).

We're having a catered dinner at a family member's lodge on the lake, so the atmosphere is set. We thought about having a bbq, but the cost of renting equipment etc worked out to be as much as getting someone to come in and cater.

Our invites will be vistaprint, and I will take care of the flowers. iPod music for ceremony and reception and a bunch of tealights will set the mood. There's going to be a bonfire as well.

Very us.

I had also asked my dad to perform the ceremony, but it's too much work for him to do the paperwork (one form, I'm so hurt over that right now - part of my week), so I have to find an officiant now. The only other expense will be whether or not we hire a bartender. A friend will be taking the photos.

You guys need t sit down and discuss what you BOTH want. Not just him. I agree with everyone else, narrow down choices so as not to overwhelm him and do it gradually. Save for it now, pay things off (I just finished paying the catering bill this week, so unless our number changes, that's taken care of) bit by bit. You're right; credit cards paying for a wedding is not a smart idea.

Good luck, keep us posted!

nikegrl688

Jenny, I am really sorry to hear about your dad.. That is terrible. One form and he wont do it for you. Im sorry. Your wedding sounds beautiful and fun!!

Lia, I wish the hubby was that type. We live in Fl, he is a native but he hates the beach! lol... We talked this weekend. I will fill you guys in this afternoon...

Thank you all soo MUCH!!!