Miscarriage and body image (long)

arwo

I used to post on this board a little bit, but got married and then started graduate school within a week of each other about 2 months ago, so I haven't been around. I have an odd question, but honestly it's not anything that my friends can answer, so I am seeking advice from internet strangers.

I had a miscarriage four weeks ago. The pregnancy was not planned; I was only about four weeks along, and I didn't know about the pregnancy until I lost it. Nevertheless, the experience was extremely traumatic for me, and I had a hard time dealing with it, especially with the stress of school. I am doing much better now, but still have some lingering psychological effects, one of which is really horrible body image.

I know I am not overweight. I am an athlete, and though I have had to quit training seriously because of grad school, I still run about 40 miles a week. I don't weigh myself in general, but I had my bodyfat % measured a few months ago, and I was in the  15-16% range--quite low. But I suddenly dislike my body. I don't like to see myself in a mirror, or in pictures; when I do, I feel disgusted and...maybe betrayed? (I don't know if that's quite right, but it's something along those lines.) I find myself not wanting to eat, not because of lack of appetite, but because I feel like I don't deserve the food. When I do eat, I feel guilty.

I have NEVER had this kind of problem before. I have always prided myself on having a healthy relationship with my body, and with food. I am going to see a counselor in a few weeks (it was the first appointment I could get) but I am worried that this is going to get worse before then. I don't know if anyone on the board has had this specific problem before, but I'm wondering how people deal with body-image in general. What do you do when you are feeling particularly down about yourself?

V00kimba00V

I would see a therapist rather than a counselor, counselors just don't receive the same degree of training. I'm sure they mean well, but they really aren't as qualified to help with what you're dealing with. A good therapist should be able to get you in a lot sooner too.

kayakrunhike

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Does your school have some sort of service available that you can use?  This is assuming the counselor you're going to see isn't through school.  I'm asking since you say you're worried this will get worse before your current appointment in a couple weeks- you might be able to see someone more quickly this way.

Also, I would try going over to the Bump if you haven't already.  There is a miscarriage/pregnancy loss board there, and there might be other women going through what you are. 

Dealing with body image is tough.  Some days (yesterday!) I feel like I look like a whale, other days not so much.  I improve my body image by trying to treat my body right, and eating healthy.  I really do feel better about myself when I exercise more often and eat lots of healthy foods.  My DH also tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, which helps.  Good luck, and keep us updated on how you're doing.

LittleKatie13

I"m sorry about your miscarriage!  I think it's great that you're going to talk to a counselor.  I also think you should try to get in as soon as possible.  As for things to help now, you need to keep reminding yourself that you are far more than just the sum of your physical parts.  Every morning/evening/particularly hard time, force yourself to think of 3 things about yourself that you like, that you're good at, that make you special.  Also, remember that your body needs nutrition and you need to take care of it.  Can you have DH sit down at eat with you every day?  Sometimes having another person there might help.  GL!

raynes

I know it wasn't planned, but I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine having to find out about a pregnancy that way.

Are you still running as much as you used to right now?  On top of the advice of others, could you maybe focus on food as fuel?  Instead of thinking that you don't deserve to eat, think about how you have to eat in order to properly fuel your runs.

As for the body image issues, maybe take a look at some pictures of yourself that you used to love and remember why you love those pictures.  Maybe you're smile is particularly wonderful, or maybe you can really see your muscle definition.  Maybe you ass looks really great.  Once you see what you love about those pictures, look fot it in the mirror.  Any time you start to think a bad or nasty thought about your body, remember the things you do (or at least used to) love. 

arwo

Thank you everyone for the advice. This has been a horrible, baffling, lonely experience, and it sounds dumb, but the kind words do really help.

Because of my schedule and the fact that my insurance is somewhat limited, the counseling appointment is really the best and the soonest I can do. I do still run (it's been one of my coping mechanisms), and I know (rationally) that I need the food as fuel; I just find myself eating as little as I feel I can get away with. I know rationally that this is not smart, but I am so uncomfortable with my body right now that I can't convince myself emotionally. I think you are all right: I need to remember the good thigs about myself so that I can have a healthy relationship with food again.