How to Motivate Your FI (Kind/very of long)

diabride

First, please let me state for the record I LOVE my FI more than anything and we have been with each other through weightl oss and weight gain providing unconditional love.  However, at the ripe age of 10 years old I experienced watching my father fall to my feet at the age of 34 after suffering a major heart attack and not knowing for 4 days if my father would live or die. 

That being said; 2 years ago my FI was a very competitive road biker.  He has never (nor will ever be a small guy).  When he was biking and living a healthy lifestyle he weighed in around 230-250lbs.  While competing in a race, he wrecked and fractured his collar bone in five place and had to have surgery. 

Six months after that he had to transfer to a different city for work. Since the accident 2 years ago, losing his routine of working out and the move my FI put on 50-60 lbs.  When he proposed in Nov 2011, we both decided that we would put for the effort to get healthy (eat healthier, workout, and de-stress).  He set a goal of losing 60 lbs before our wedding which is Nov 2012.  I set a goal of losing 10 lbs and toning up.  Since then I have lost 13 lbs and really toned up.  I have cooked more and provided us with healthier food/snack options at home (we tend to have very different schedules and it is often very easy for both of us to just "grab something quick").  I even went as for as purchasing a gym membership in our neighborhood that we moved to in Feb 2012 as a gift for him.  The gym is open 24/7 and he can use any of their locations so he can use the location that is very close to his office.

My FI has gained 12 more pounds since proposing.  Granted he travels a ton for work, but he doesn't stay at low end motels.  He is in the music business and all of the hotels that he stays in have gyms.  When he is home, he will stay up all hours of the night (because he is a night-owl) and watch tv/play video games with his brothers who live out of state.  I get it, that is his thing, that is a way that he can de-stress.  But it also upsets me when he says he doesn't have time to go to the gym.  The gym is opened 24 hours a day, so while he is up at midnight watching tv or playing games, he could technically utilize that time to go to the gym. 

I have also noticed he is breathing heavier, sweating more and having issues with heartburn/acid reflux way more often than he used to.  I am scared for his health.  Having experienced such a traumatic event with my father so early on in life has me super scared for him and for myself.

I will say, I am not the most compassionate person.  I am knowing for being pointblank honest to people about my feelings and do not really believe in sugar coating anything.  However, I cannot imagine how hurt I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.  So I don't say anything and I can feel the resentment growing.  It is to the point where people notice the "big guy with the in shape girl" and someone actually made the comment to a friend of ours "well she is obviously with him for his money and connections" which is hardly the case.  I have been with him for sometime well before either of those things came into the picture.  I am just about at my wits end though and I am truly worried it will start to impact our relationship because I feel like I am not being totally honest with him in regards to my feelings.

I know many people will reply with "well just workout together."  I play a sport that requires me to workout 3-5 days a week already.  He and I maintain two very different schedules and while I wish that would be an option I just do not see how it could be.  We both also have two very different workout routines, while he is more a gym & bike guy; I am more of a physical contact & yoga/dance person.

I truly hope that I have not offended anyone with this post.  I am not a shallow person.  I have struggled with weight in my past and I am genuinely in love with my FI.  I am just scared for him and really do not know how to speak on this subject with him without coming across as cold and hurtful.

kaos16

Approaching it from a health aspect might be the way to go.  If you remind him about what happened to your dad and how concerned you are for him, it may trigger something.  Perhaps if he has a checkup or physical and learned from a doctor what his health status is right now something might change.

As for him watching tv and playing video games all night, do you have an exercise bike or something he can use while still doing the activities he enjoys?

When your schedules to match up maybe you can go for a walk or do some sort of activity together. . . . while it may not be your prefered method of exercise it could be a compromise worth making to allow you to be active together.

Additionally, make sure you are really supportive of his progress as he begins to lose weight and get healthier!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I understand, it's a touchy subject.  I get the feeling from you that while you are concerned with his weight you are also very much concerned about his health in the long run.

Have you shared with him about how horrible it was to watch your father suffer a heart attack?  I think the approach you might want to take is that sure, you wanting him to go to the gym is selfish of you - if it's selfish that you want your FI to be healthy and be around for you and potential future children.  That you don't want to worry about losing him or seeing him suffer.

Because you've struggled with your weight I'm sure you can understand how hard it is to make those changes in food and in exercise habits.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I'm sure that you don't want to feel like you're nagging him or harping on him or making him feel like crap about himself.  I mean, I'd be really pissed and hurt if someone was like "God, you have all this time when you could be using that gym membership - JUST GO!"  It would make me feel differently if someone talked to me calmly about their concerns for my future regarding my health.  KWIM?

Lobsters25

I like kaos's idea of making the workouts a couple activity.  That being said, he's a grown man, and if he is still going to eat and sit on his butt in the hotels, it isn't going to help much.

I'm sure he's getting the memo with you cooking and signing up for gyms, which, in my non-professional opinion, means there is probably something deeper inside of him going on, that might need professional guidance.

Maybe you can practice what you want to say on a friend?  Work on tapping into your emotions, not the facts, and tell him how scared you are for his overall health.  If you're normally pretty blunt, maybe opening up your softer/emotional side will help him do the same.

diabride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_getting-shape_how-to-motivate-your-fi-kindvery-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:238Discussion:a3109352-e5b8-44b4-9bea-6de2d2831137Post:fffe6c67-f957-40e2-96e4-3bad7ccb44e9">Re: How to Motivate Your FI (Kind/very of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]. As for him watching tv and playing video games all night, do you have an exercise bike or something he can use while still doing the activities he enjoys? Posted by kaos16[/QUOTE]

One of his road bikes is set up on a stationary trainer in his office in our house, which is also the room where he plays his video games.

diabride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_getting-shape_how-to-motivate-your-fi-kindvery-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:238Discussion:a3109352-e5b8-44b4-9bea-6de2d2831137Post:9da5bb8a-7551-4309-a4ec-df41161f0d5d">Re: How to Motivate Your FI (Kind/very of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]One other suggestion:  since he used to be a biker, what about signing up together to do a bike race in the next six months or so?  You wouldn't necessarily need to train together, but he'd have something on his calendar that might motivate him to start working out.  I'm not a biker at all, but I imagine there's some sort of bike equivalent to the running Couch to 5k program that would allow him to start small and get trained up.  That way it's not just about health, or losing weight, but about an event he can experience.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

I would LOVE to ride a road bike.  But had an injury to my back that does not allow me to ride very long periods of time.  I did put forth that effort a year ago and purchased a cruiser so that he could jump on his city bike and I could jump on my cruiser and we could ride around parks and what not but he didn't really find that enjoyable.  Because of my back injury that I sustained I have to stop about every 15 minutes and walk for a few minutes or I am in a ton of pain.  In his defense, that isn't fun for anyone.

kaos16

just as an aside OP, when you post the same thing in multiple forums you might want to indicate that with an XP in the subject so people know.

diabride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_getting-shape_how-to-motivate-your-fi-kindvery-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:238Discussion:a3109352-e5b8-44b4-9bea-6de2d2831137Post:10a8c84b-06dc-4345-8b1a-3243d4f8384c">Re: How to Motivate Your FI (Kind/very of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]just as an aside OP, when you post the same thing in multiple forums you might want to indicate that with an XP in the subject so people know. :)
Posted by kaos16[/QUOTE]

Sorry...I do not post here all that much <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cry.gif" border="0" alt="Cry" title="Cry" />

dawnp917

It is hard to give other people motivation to work out and get healthy.  My mother is morbidly obese but she refueses to do anything to lose weight.  My sisters and I have tried buying her gym memberships, watched movies like super size me wtih her, bought her cookbooks, etc.  Nothing changes she had cancer a few years ago we thought maybe that would be a wake up call for her it wasn't.  

All you can do is share with him how you feel but ultimately it is his decision.  

TaraKeeley

My diabetic, cancer-ridden father died when I was 9. I'm with you on this one.

Talk to him from the health angle, because that's the only thing that matters. And talk about BOTH of you staying healthy in order to have a long, healthy, enjoyable life together with your possible babies and grandbabies. Exercise and eat right TOGETHER. A lot of times people focus too much on the wedding when it's the marriage they should be preparing for- mentally and physically. Be supportive and accept that his progress will probably be slow, but that's the safe and healthy way to do it.

brij2006

My FI is exactly like yours! He's 6ft 5, about 280, and enjoys his video games and doing not much of anything. 

But what I've found that has started to work, is him hearing people complimenting me on my weight loss and how I look. I've gone from 190 down to 135 over the past 3 years, and have been with him through all of it. There have been people who have made the same comments "she must be with him for his money", when they see us together. Has your FI heard these comments? This began to bother my FI a month ago when I crossed the finish line of a half-marathon and gave him a hug. A random stranger made a comment that "he should be running too", and it rubbed him the wrong way.

What has helped him is finding that "something" for him to work towards. Have you ever looked into the Warrior Dash races? This was something FI found the other day, and has now started the couch to 5k program to train for it. Or talk to him about doing a triathalon and him helping you to train for the biking portion of it, and you will help him with the running portion. Talk to him about your health concerns for him, and honestly, you making the lifestyle changes and feeling better about yourself and working out. It will cause him to take a look at his own life and what he is doing, and hopefully make a change.

Whatever you do, just be open with him about your concerns and your care for him. If he seems to be playing video games to de-stress. Maybe there is more going on in his mind than the weight. Talk to him about it. Or just talk in general. I'm very blunt and straight forward too, and it can get me into a bit of trouble when talking to FI about his weight. But start the open communication about it, then allow him to talk from there and you say nothing. Him just talking it over with someone will maybe allow him to say what is really going on.