Vows and saying obey

RachelR0282

My pastor feels the word "obey" should be in the vows.  The copy of the vows that he gave me has the bride saying obey but, not the groom.  I know that the man is considered as head of the house hold however, society has changed over the years.  Obey is a strong word and outdated.  When I think of obey it think of : You must have dinner on the table by 5pm. I think of obey as demanding. I am open to opinions.  Do you agree or disagree with having obey in the vows? 

PS. I do realize it's his church and we can choose to go elsewhere.  If he wants the ceremony to be performed a certain way he should have told us this when we first asked him to marry us.

kmmssg

Can you write your own vows?  Could your FI join you in discussing this with the Pastor.  I'm a MOB who also has issues with the obey thing and I think you should have some open dialogue and consider writing your own vows if the Pastor is really strict on including that in traditional vows.

[Deleted User]

That's so insanely outdated, I think I read an article that Kate Middleton was the first royal wedding to NOT say obey.  Sounds like your church needs to come to terms with women's equality!

RachelR0282

Jinxed I agree with you!  Well, I hope to get it worked out on Sunday.

SCogs18

Your minister is being really unreasonable with all his demands!  I think it's good that you and FI are in agreement, it will have more of an impact with the minister.

VegasCalling

Hell to the no, and his sexist view of women and marriage would make me immediately leave that church. 

kmmssg

If he won't bend on this will you stil have him marry you?  I'm rather confused by a Pastor who refuses to let any personal touches meaningful to the couple be included.

Bett2012

replace "obey" with "respect" ?

MiLadyK

I think all vow wording is personal choice. You shouldn't vow anything you don't truly and completely mean. 

I may be including obey in mine for the specific reasons that I'm very headstrong, independant and stubborn. One of the reasons that I am marrying my FI is that I trust him and that I do listen to him. (My mother thinks it is funny how much I am willing to shift on because of him.) He makes me a more gentle person. 

However, if I do include it he has made me promise that I can't have a really long pause to "think about it" before promising to obey. 

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_vows_vows-saying-obey?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:24Discussion:b8fb6d3d-2f88-4df4-89b1-d59a92e260bcPost:32187d8f-405a-45f7-9556-5932f81bf152">Vows and saying obey</a>:
[QUOTE]My pastor feels the word "obey" should be in the vows.  The copy of the vows that he gave me has the bride saying obey but, not the groom.  I know that the man is considered as head of the house hold however, society has changed over the years.  Obey is a strong word and outdated.  When I think of obey it think of : You must have dinner on the table by 5pm. I think of obey as demanding. I am open to opinions.  Do you agree or disagree with having obey in the vows?  PS. I do realize it's his church and we can choose to go elsewhere.  If he wants the ceremony to be performed a certain way he should have told us this when we first asked him to marry us.
Posted by RachelR0282[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with having "obey" in <u>our</u> vows.  What matters is if you and your FI wish to have the word included in <u>your</u> vows. Once the two of you make that decision, then you should speak to the pastor and let him know how you feel.

Good luck!

KT020803

I agree that it is outdated and odd that since it is no longer 1950 why the man doesn't have to say obey. I would try to compromise with the pastor and say something using the words "respect, honor and love".
Good Luck!

kiki1978

My fiance and I both do not want obey in our vows.  We think we need to worth together as a team and not one bossing the other.  Try taking a copy of vows that you do like to your officiant to see if he could use those instead.

danishcanadian

Obey? No way! I think that obedience is for children. Obey my Daddy? As a child, of course! Obey my husband? NO! For me the wife being below the husband in that way, seems almost incestuous. Marriage is about two equals working together. Had I intended to be under someone's authority, I'd have stayed home with my parents! I would never have conjugal relations with someone I was expected to obey.