Anyone else doing this?

staceymutrup

My FI and I have made the decision to get legally married this week. I have been having medical problems and do not have insurance. So we are having my FI's dad marry us so I can get on FI's insurance but it will not become a public thing, only our parents will know. When we talked to FI's Godfather who is a Judge and will be marrying us in September he said this is a very common thing and does quite a few ceremonies for this reason. Anyone else done this?

Love11506

My best friend did this!! it was for religious reasons though because our pastor doesn't believe in living together before marriage and they bought a house together and were both living there and so they got married before their wedding.

I don't think it's a big deal to get married before your wedding but I wouldn't ask the etiquette board because they don't like it when brides do this.  I actually argued with them on behalf of someone who was doing this same thing.

melissadt90

I don't see the issue at all, especially in your case, I would do the same thing if I was in your position! Happy marriage week:P

jessica2244

i definitely don't see a problem and i have NO IDEA why the Etiquette board girls think it's wrong. they're crazy over there lol

siriko

We might actually be doing the exact opposite Getting officially married much later than we have the celebration. We will get married in a church, and have a sivil ceremony in Hungary which is where the wedding will be, but we may wait to register it at home for a couple of years cause the student loan foundation are threatening not to give my FI a student loan for his last 3 years of med school if we get married as I will be earning an ok salary as a doctor. I dont want to have to pay for his university so therefor we may postpone it.
I say go ahead and get married now leagally and then do the wedding in September, I see no problem with that at all

TayBeach2013

I think the E board has a problem with people getting married in secret, and then pretending not to be married until the wedding.  At least that's one of the debates I remember from way back...the issue was the secrecy.

Anyway, FSIL did this.  We all knew they had gotten married at the JOP in October (for reasons similar to OP's) and held the big wedding in June, so it was no big deal to any of us.  One couple who did NOT know and attended the showers and 2nd wedding, believing it was the first and only, was pissed off to no end.  I don't think they speak anymore.

GoofyAssChick

We had this issue arise in November and were seriously questioning to do the same thing due to heatlh insurance reasons.  In the end, we decided that we would continue on with our plans without getting married right away. 

But when were were having our scare I made a post on the Etiquette Board looking for advice on what to do:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-be-gentle_.0

Most were pretty understanding of the circumstances of lack of insurance.  But for me, I wanted to be able to tell my guests the circumstances and not feel like I was hiding it from anyone.  Had we gone through with it we would have been married almost a year and there is no way I would have wanted to hide wearing my wedding ring and not consider myself his wife.  I knew that with my guests everyone would have been understanding and a renewal of vows in front of those we loved most would have been how we handled it. 

But everyone is different.  If you keep it a secret, I understand that need/want to do so.  But be weary of what others might say if they were to somehow find out without you being upfront about it. 

staceymutrup

A few people Im sure will know but we are just not going to make it public and if people start finding out whatever but its not something we will publicize. In the past 2 months ive had to pay over $7000.00 in medical bills and cannot afford to keep doing that for 8 more months as I am a stay at home mom. If I knew I wouldn't have many more appts I wouldnt be as serious about doing it now but I have 2 doctors that I see every 8 weeks which are a few hundred dollars each time, which obviously adds up fast. My FI has very good insurance and doesn't cost anymore for both of us to be on it.

I knew not to post on the etiquette board I have read a few things on there and some of the girls can be a little harsh! I stick to just the September 13 board you girls are great! Thanks!

GoofyAssChick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_anyone-else-doing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:08a1ce69-de45-4f65-9e42-475184c17031Post:e8f26791-1c29-4423-a4c3-20a8c1048d0c">Re: Anyone else doing this?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few people Im sure will know but we are just not going to make it public and if people start finding out whatever but its not something we will publicize. In the past 2 months ive had to pay over $7000.00 in medical bills and cannot afford to keep doing that for 8 more months as I am a stay at home mom. If I knew I wouldn't have many more appts I wouldnt be as serious about doing it now but I have 2 doctors that I see every 8 weeks which are a few hundred dollars each time, which obviously adds up fast. My FI has very good insurance and doesn't cost anymore for both of us to be on it. I knew not to post on the etiquette board I have read a few things on there and some of the girls can be a little harsh! I stick to just the September 13 board you girls are great! Thanks!
Posted by staceymutrup[/QUOTE]

I see you are in Ohio too so no point in looking into the domestic partnership insurance.  $7000 is A LOT.  You do whatever is best for you both.  People will definitely understand.  And if they don't--- they probably weren't very good friends to begin with.  I wish you luck from one Ohio bride to another! 

staceymutrup

His insurance doesnt cover domestic partnerships we looked into it. Some places ave a financial program but because both of our legal addresses are here for some reason I have to claim his income on my forms which he makes to much to qualify for any deduction. You are by Cincinnati? Im right by Findlay right down 75!!!

GoofyAssChick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_anyone-else-doing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:08a1ce69-de45-4f65-9e42-475184c17031Post:9d011a21-1e7c-4f66-8767-06ea4295678f">Re: Anyone else doing this?</a>:
[QUOTE]His insurance doesnt cover domestic partnerships we looked into it. Some places ave a financial program but because both of our legal addresses are here for some reason I have to claim his income on my forms which he makes to much to qualify for any deduction. You are by Cincinnati? Im right by Findlay right down 75!!!
Posted by staceymutrup[/QUOTE]

That stinks.  I just had 40% written off on a medical bill recently from the hospital.  Have you looked on the back of your medical bill to see if there is a scale to have some deducted?  It was like $45,000 a year for single.  I don't recall what it was for a two income household.  I hadn't paid any thought to it until a friend suggested it to me. 

I'm just a little north of Cincinnati actually.  Right in the middle of Dayton and Cincinnati. 

Love11506

also Congratulations!!

mpickl

A good friend that I work with did -- she got married on January 1. They won't be doing anything more, they just had a very simple at-home cermony and a dinner. I think a lot of people thought it was a shotgun, but the timing was simply for insurance purposes.

My place of employment has awesome benefits so FI has been on mine for a while now bc we live together... But sometimes I do just want to go to the courthouse and be done with it! We can have a party later, but... Man, I just want to be married to the guy! 

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_anyone-else-doing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:08a1ce69-de45-4f65-9e42-475184c17031Post:88657461-9307-4e5a-91e8-e91136ca0c73">Re: Anyone else doing this?</a>:
[QUOTE]A good friend that I work with did -- she got married on January 1. They won't be doing anything more, they just had a very simple at-home cermony and a dinner. Posted by mpickl[/QUOTE]
I was thinking two things.  A lot of hospitals have charity insurance programs that you can get if you qualify.  But if not, then I understand not wanting to wait until September.  But the other thing is maybe you can have a scaled down wedding at home and still get flowers and cake really inexpensively at a place like Sam's club or Costco.  Then you could have a bigger reception later. 

But not trying to be insensitive but sort of like goofy said, if you get married this week I would not recommend keeping the fact that you're already married a secret.  It could cause some bad feelings from those who will feel tricked like you just used them as props to have a PPD.  And if you choose to do this then keeping it secret might give the sense that you're ashamed of being already married and believe that if people knew they would not take whatever you plan next really seriously or want to come.  I'm sure that's not the kind of feeling you want to have.  So, if you do it, own up to it and the reason behind it as adults with happiness and pride or don't do it.

BostonGIrl4732

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_anyone-else-doing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:08a1ce69-de45-4f65-9e42-475184c17031Post:70cc5c47-b9a7-485c-8c9c-1c0a6816e323">Re: Anyone else doing this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone else doing this? : But not trying to be insensitive but sort of like goofy said, if you get married this week I would not recommend keeping the fact that you're already married a secret.  It could cause some bad feelings from those who will feel tricked like you just used them as props to have a PPD.  A<strong>nd if you choose to do this then keeping it secret might give the sense that you're ashamed of being already married and believe that if people knew they would not take whatever you plan next really seriously or want to come</strong>.  I'm sure that's not the kind of feeling you want to have.  So, <strong>if you do it, own up to it </strong>and the reason behind it as adults with happiness and pride or don't do it.
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with the above.  I have a hard time with "big secrets" because it always feels to me like if it's something you're proud of, you'd share it with the world.  If you decide to get married, I think you should own it.  People will either understand or they won't but at least you'll be honest.</div><div>
</div><div>It's a hard position I'm sure and I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.

</div>

CALEO

Honestly, although I emphathize with your debacle, it's not my favorite plan.  In my view, you get one wedding day.  If you want to have a celebration later, fine, so long as people know that you are already married and you don't have a "fake wedding" with all the ceremony, dances, attendants, etc. 

I think I would probably get married earlier in this case too but I would scrap my plans for my PPD day and just have it be a celebration.

Good luck and I hope your medical issues resolve soon!