September 2013 Weddings

Advice for Dealing with Mom

Hi - I am new to the boards! I was hoping for a little bit of advice on dealing with my mother. I have been told every wedding has at least one difficult person. So a little background, my FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, which we were aware from day one - its just the reality of the situation. I have had nothing but issues with my mother from day one.

1. She told me I could not have a sweetheart table because thats not how things were done.
2. She offered to pay for my dress, then the day I was ordering it said she would have to send monthly payments and never sent one because her boyfriend would not allow it. (A little bitter, but not surprised and I was prepared to pay myself.) Also while I was tring on dresses, she spent the better part of the time looking at wedding dresses for herself.
3. Picked out her mother of the bride dress in a color almost identical to the bridesmaids after I had sent a picture. When asked to pick out a different color so she could stand out as the MOB, she said she would wear a crown of her own. Also explained she did not want to spend a lot of money on a dress she was only going to wear once. Also, she is upset with my future MIL because she picked out a dress first that she is considering, but wants my aproval first. MOB should have first choice on the dress. I told my mother that my wedding stopped being traditional when I had to pay for it myself. Maybe a little harsh. Ultimately, I told her to wear what she wants and figure I will just notify my photographer and hope for the best.
4. Has told me if I invite my brother, her son, and somewhat of the black sheep for the moment due to his bad choices, that she won't go because it will upset her stomach and health issues.
5. She is texting me to determine my seating plan to find out who she is sitting with - and to make sure I get her in put on who not to seat her with. Again, she is worried about this making her ill.

My mother has been married and divorced twice and is in a new relationship and desparately wants to get married again. It almost feels like a power struggle and guilt trip - and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Thanks for any input and/or support!

Re: Advice for Dealing with Mom

  • From what I'm reading, all I can say that I think will be helpful is pick your battles.  It sounds like you're already doing this about the dress thing, so good work.  If you really want a sweetheart table, you're paying and she has to lump it.  If you really want to invite your brother, you're paying and the same thing.  Call her bluff if it's important to you and just say "I'm sorry you won't be able to attend, you will be missed."  Good luck with it!
  • edited January 2013
    As much as it sucks, it sounds like you have to stop discussing wedding details with your mom.  It takes two to have a conversation so if you refuse to disclose information, she can't comment on it.  If she asks about the seating chart, tell her you have other things to work on first, or that you're waiting for your RSVPs to come in.

    As for her dress, it's not going to reflect on you, it's going to reflect on HER.  It's not worth the stress and believe me, your guests aren't going to think you made your mother wear a crown, I'm sure they'll know she's responsible for that one on her own!

    As for the brother situation, PP has it right.  Call her bluff.  "I'm sorry you won't come!  You'll be missed!"

    (((hugs)))  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
  • Wow, Momzilla rears her ugly head again!  The more I hear about over involved mothers, the more grateful I am that my mom doesn't really care. I mean I wish she was a little more excited about that than it seems that she was, but I'm glad she's not acting like this.  Especially since like this bride, my mother isn't financially contributing. 

    Like everyone else said, the key thing is that she isn't paying for anything.  You don't have to listen to her.  I get that you want to keep the peace, but clearly, that's not gonna happen either.  
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  • I understand where u are coming from my mom i kinda the same way. Just remember that you are paying for the wedding yourself and whatever you want you should get it's all about you and your future husband. My mom always has a frown on her face when I talk about wedding stuff and doesn't like anything so what I do is when I talk with her I always say not trying to be disrespectful or anything thing but its my wedding I'm paying for it and if you love me you will just zip it up and be happy for me or you pay for this wedding and have it your way. It always works for me.
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  • Thanks everyone! I was starting to worry that I was being a little Bridezilla - but my fiance kept insisting I was not. This is all really supportive and the advice is great! I am hoping she won't have too much to say - she tends to post all of this on facebook, so it gets SO dramatic and I am just too old and too overwhelmed for this! :)
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