Stressful situation (vent)

abo1031

So a week or so ago I posted about issues with my bridesmaids, more specifically my future sister in law refusing to dress shop and not be involved in any wedding stuff. Well today.... It hit the fan. She TEXT me that she would no longer be in the wedding party and gave some excuse about "where her life is right now, she won't be able to get the time for the wedding off work, not having money, etc" . I thought long and hard before replied and said something to the effect that I was hurt by the fact she seemed to just simply not want anything to do with mine and her brother's wedding, that it was a little hard for me to believe that with eight months notice she couldn't get one day off to be in the wedding and that if it was a money issue I would pay for her dress, it's not a big deal because her being there was important for us to have her be a part if this. Also, her daughter is supposed to be a Jr bridesmaid and her son one of the ring bearers and her boyfriend a groomsman. I asked if they would still be in the wedding and she would be on the sidelines watching? Her response baffled me when she stated she that none of them would be not only taking part but not even going. Words escape how hurt I am. My FSIL and I have been close, up until wedding planning started. She distanced herself and in my opinion its due to jealousy that me and FI have not been together as long as her and her BF and I'm getting married and she's not. Since our conversation a few hours ago she has deleted me from her Facebook (childish right?). Now I know that no one will be as excited as I am about my own wedding and I know I can't force someone to be a part if it that person doesn't want to, but I am so hurt, upset, angry, etc about the long term effects of this little spat. I'm marrying her brother, I'm going to Be a part of her family. How does someone justify causing so much drama around what is supposed to be a happy joyous time? I am honestly baffled. I don't know how to move on from this. Next Saturday is my step daughters birthday party in which FSIL and her BF and her kids will be attending (I think?). How should I go about fixing this (or attempting to) before then? Sorry its so long.. Thanks for reading!

greeneyes04

That does sound stressful! I know you may feel hurt, but maybe the not having enough money is pretty legit seems how she would have not only had expenses with herself being in the wedding, but also 2 of her kids and her BF. I personally would just tell her that you understand that she and her little family won't be able to be a part of the wedding due to cost and not being able to make it for all the events that go along with being in the wedding party, but you hope she can still make time to attend the wedding itself. Maybe you were being a little too demanding or persistant. If there is a lot of tension at the Bday party just be the bigger person and pull her aside and talk to her. I hope everything will work out. 

Weddings often cause stress in relationships. My FBIL kicked his daughter out of his wedding a week before it happened bc "she didn't want to put the time into coming over and helping plan the wedding" We are a huge part in our nieces life and have been there through her fathers absence. We brought her to her father's wedding even though we were all upset and things just sort of fizzled out. 

Your FSIL will regret it someday, just like I am sure my FBIL will. Good Luck hun.

abo1031

Thanks for your reply. I understand about the money, that's why I offered to pay for her dress I was already planning on paying for the Jr bridesmaid dress and the tux rental for her son. We literally only set our date a month ago, so there hasn't been any wedding events for me to be demanding of her. I asked her to really sit through this and think about the decision she is making because I guarantee she will regret it FI thinks the same thing I do, that this is all because she's jealous this isn't her getting married and its her way if getting attention. I am trying my best to just let it go and not let it bug me, but the fact is that she is going to be family and is basically saying she isn't going to attend the wedding. Its beyond frustrating.nbsp;

ftrmrsw

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would feel hurt as well.

Maybe you should leave it for now. At least until you order the dresses at which point you can let her know that you still would really love it if she could be in the wedding and give her the opportunity to change her mind. If she still say she can't I guess you'll just can' to let it go and move on.

CALEO

Sorry you are going through this.

Let her dig her own grave.  Just say ok and we'll miss you.

Obviously, unless there is some behavior on your part that you haven't mentioned, she will look like the immature one.

jessica2244

This is so awful!!! i'm so sorry this is happening to you!!! How unfair of her to take your wedding and essentially make it about her. she's is CLEARLY jealous of you! What does your FI have to say about this?? Isn't he angry that they're not even coming to the wedding???

PDXShari83

How upsetting! Maybe it would be a good idea to have a conversation with her (after the dust settles) about what's really going on underneath the refusal. 

Passive aggressive behaviors (like withdrawing from your wedding altogether) are obnoxious, but there's something deeper going on. Has she expressed to you that she wishes her boyfriend would propose? If she has expressed that, then I would think you're on target with the jealousy assumption. Is she older than your FI? I have witnessed bizarre behaviors out of unmarried older siblings when a younger sibling is on their way to the altar first. 

If you cherish your friendship with her, open up the conversation. Yes, it's totally annoying to extend an olive branch when you're the one that has been wronged, but this is family and someone who has been very important to you. Best wishes!!!

abo1031

Thanks ladies. Yes she is older than FI, but she has been married and divorced twice already at 29. She has the worst mood swings ever in regards to her getting married again to her current BF, one day she's dropping hints to him saying how she has everything planned already on her pinterest etc, and the next day she will say stuff like Im never getting married again, it ruins your relationship blah blah blah.... But I know deep down that she does want to marry her BF and there's nothing she can say that would sway my opinion on that. FI agrees that she is jealous and is simply trying to get attention, but he is actually upset with me that I said anything back to her when she text me and told me she is no longer in the wedding. Now unfortunately, his family is the type that don't talk about their issues and hope that if its not discussed it will just blow over, I am the complete opposite. I talk about any issues I have and like an adult I try to work on a solution instead of ignoring it fir it to just blow up at a later point. His logic is that this is his sister and he knows her best and that I should have just left it alone. In hindsight had I known that simply talking to the girl and trying to resolve this would result in her temper tantrum and complete removal of herself and family from the wedding, maybe I would have just ignored it. But I honestly didn't think that two grown adults Im 26, she's 29 couldn't come to a simple way to end the issue right then and there. Im just going to let it go for now. FI said he is going to try to talk to her and get this resolved because as he said, he knows how she operates. All I can say is no matter what the outcome, I tried.. I tried to fix it and was met with nothing but opposition and adolescent behavior. So my conscience is clear.

siriko

I am kind of enraged on your part when I read about her behaviour. Not only is it childish, but it is extremely rude too. Also if you had a good relationship prior to the wedding stuff it makes it seem even stranger.
I dont really know what you could/can do. I think I would give it some time, let it settle down a bit, and then maybe talk to her again. Or if you FI has a good relationship with her ask him to talk to her and see what is going on.
We have a really tense relationship w my brothers girlfriend so I decided not to involve them in the wedding, apart from inviting them as guests of course. Figured that would offer less opportunities for things to get more tense and strained.

abo1031

Thanks ladies.. I'm feeling better about this today. I know I did my part to try and keep things civil and diffuse this issue before it came to this, so now the ball is in her court. I will be cordial with her if she attends the birthday party next weekend, which I highly doubt she will because she is so stubborn. When and if she is ready to talk to me like an adult I will be happy to do so.

abo1031

On another note.. My MOH is being extremely supportive throughout this whole ordeal and after talking to her at length about this, I realized as much as I would love FSIL to be a part of the wedding party, I am also perfectly fine having just myself and my three wonderful fabulous BM's I currently have.

zantster

abo1031 I hope you understand I have to give a little bit of a different perspective here.  One of my BMs pulled out using the same kind of excuse.  But I could sense from putting two and two together that that there is a lot of difficulty going on in her life and that unfortunately it's too hard right now for her to fully participate in a celebration like mine when so much heartbreak is happening on her side of the fence.  I can understand because I've also been through a lot in the past so I just accepted her excuse and told her she would always be welcome as a guest. I've got plenty of other BMs, FGs, etc.  She appreciated me understanding and not pushing her to reveal delicate issues and we are still good friends.  You both are still pretty young.  And regardless of age, a person can feel like hiding out and even embarrassed when they're having problems and everywhere they look people are smiling about a romantic relationship like yours that's actually working! But it's an awkward catch-22 because they don't like feeling resentful of people like you so they choose the path of least resistance and avoid the situation.

So, since you are so blessed to be preparing for one of the happiest days of your life I would take the "bigger person" role if I were you and just pull her to the side one on one or send an email and tell her that you were initially very disappointed and may have said some hurtful things unintentionally but after thinking about it you totally understand how life happens when you least expect it and you value your friendship and hope she will still be a guest but if not then you hope things in her life get better very soon and she can count on you if she needs to talk. Strip away what may appear to be her super confident bravado and there just might be some real pain there. Best of luck.

gottadance64

I'm perplexed as to why your fiance isn't the one dealing with this/responding. It's his sister and her fam...As the newest fam member you don't want to be the one to perhaps say something wrong, etc. She should be communicating with your brother or at the very least, both of you; and both of you should be responding - as a united front. That way, it doesn't fall on you. I'd tell your fiance get get involved, pronto. That being said, if anyone came to me and said they couldn't/didn't want to be in the wedding party, I would be disappointed, but if you offered to help financially and she still doesn't, then wash your hands of it.

abo1031

Thanks for your perspective ladies. I understand that she has issues of her own going on, at this point, Im more concerned about the fact this is my FSIL and how this is going to effect things long term. If she doesn't want to be involved in the wedding because of whatever her reasons are, that's fine, but essentially throwing a tantrum and saying that neither herself or her family will even be coming now? Seems to me there's more going on then just jealousy that its me and not her. Especially seeing as up until this her and I have been close and her and FI are extremely close. Something just isn't right... FI will be handing it from this point forward. He didn't want me to say anything her at all, and as I said before, had I known she was going to react this way, I would have done just that. He is giving her a few days at least to calm down and kind of think this through, and we will see where it goes from there.