Did you tell your Ex?

bridetobe71412

Hi ladies,

I've been thinking about this a bit lately: Did you specifically tell your ex (or exes) about your engagement?

By way of background, I have a few noteworthy exes (i.e. college boyfriend, dated for 4 years; boy I dated while paralegal for 2 years before law school; boy I dated through law school). I am not friends with any of them - not on Facebook, not in real life - although we have some mutual friends. I did not feel it necessary to tell them about my engagement. When I mentioned that to friends of mine, they seemed to think I should have told them "in person" (meaning, via email, as I don't see them. ever. on purpose.).

So anyway, did you tell your exes? If so, why? Just trying to understand the rationale. Thanks in advance

butterflyjumper1

no, i did not tell any exes. however, none of my exes are even remotely important to me, i don't keep in touch with any of them, and i never had a truly serious relationship before my relationship with my fiance.

i think it would be a nice gesture to tell an ex if they were actually still a part of your life in any way, or if you dated for such a significant amount of time and were so in love that he would be offended if he did not find out about your engagement from you.  that being said, if you haven't spoken to someone in 5 or 10 years, and out of the blue call to tell them you are engaged...that might be awkward. 

if you think any of your exes would TRULY be offended and hurt if you didn't tell them....then sure, go ahead. but if you don't talk to any of these guys or ever even see them, i doubt that is actually going to be the case.

this is an interesting question though!! it seems like something straight out of a chick flick haha! and sorry for the rambly response!

LADY324

No I only had 1 serious boyfriend who I dated after me and my FI broke up when we were younger.  He moved to Florida and we do not keep in touch so there really is no point.  We do have a mutual friend whose wedding he is in so I am sure he found out from her. 

KarleeKrause35

I didn't tell my exes because I didn't think it was any of their business.

Lisariqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_did-you-tell-your-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:1e31a087-ad87-4501-8a24-57e25e147ab5Post:0772dbf5-5f12-415f-9680-d7f9cad63040">Re: Did you tell your Ex?</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't tell my exes because I didn't think it was any of their business.
Posted by KarleeKrause35[/QUOTE]

I completely agree!

bridetobe71412

See, I totally agree. Why is it any of their business?

Anyway, the real reason I asked is because one of them emailed me recently and the jist of it was that he was hurt and insulted I didn't tell him. He went on and on about how we had "something special" and "his heart is still empty inside" blah blah blah. (We have a lot of mutual friends and apparently one of our mutual friends said something about it and he was caught off guard.) My reaction to the email was "Really? We broke up THREE YEARS AGO. GET OVER IT." But of course I didn't email him that. I just said, "I'm sorry you felt that way. I hope you are doing well."

I guess I was just looking for validation that I wasn't supposed to contact him and his email to me was inappropriate.

Thanks, ladies.

butterflyjumper1

wow that is insanely inappropriate!!! if you haven't really spoken in three years, why would you even consider telling him in the first place? if it took you having a ring on your finger to make him feel how "empty he was inside," he must be one of those guys who only wants what he can't have

k8888

There's absolutely ZERO obligation to tell any ex of your current relationship status.  If you're friends, he'll find out how everyone else finds out.... through Facebook or someone else hahaha.

I have an ex (we're still good friends) who told me it upset him when he found out.  But if he liked it, he shoulda put a ring on it, amirite??

bridetobe71412

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_did-you-tell-your-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:1e31a087-ad87-4501-8a24-57e25e147ab5Post:093b1307-82af-41fa-bda6-39cbd376d29d">Re: Did you tell your Ex?</a>:
[QUOTE]There's absolutely ZERO obligation to tell any ex of your current relationship status.  If you're friends, he'll find out how everyone else finds out.... through Facebook or someone else hahaha. I have an ex (we're still good friends) who told me it upset him when he found out. <strong> But if he liked it, he shoulda put a ring on it, amirite??
</strong>Posted by k8888[/QUOTE]

BAHAHAHAHAHA totally.

But fo realz. I felt like a bad person when he sent that and then I was thinking about it and was like, this is not on me! Phew.

mekiakoo

Nope, I have 2 exes but we are pretty much just an "acquitance" now and I'm sure they heard the news from somebody else. But I'm not actively trying to avoid them, we talk once in a while, but I'm not going to say "hey guess what?! I'm getting married!".

The deaf community is TINY so whatever happens to one person- the entire community will know in an instant. So I'm pretty sure they already know by now and that they aren't bothered by this. They're pretty nice boys, actually.

ginadog

I have an ex spouse.  He probably knows only through friends or maybe he does not. 

He and I do not talk or acknowledge each other in the rare case that we are in the same place.

It's like the relationship never happened, which I am thankful for!

bells24412

I had one other serious BF before my FI and he just found out mutually. But he is married and has a kid so I don't think he really cares nor do I plus he told my FI congrats.

On the other hand, I re-connected with a friend of mine back from middle school we hung out a lot and stuff it was all harmless, but as soon as he found out (from Facebook, none-the-less because of my FI) he stopped being friends with me, and unfriended me on FB. I laughed really hard about this, but eh whatever I didn't really care. At the time i was like uh, ok that is dumb you stopped being friends with me just because i got engaged, but i later found out that he liked me.

KarleeKrause35

In my mind, if the ex is a friend, he will find out at the same time as all of your other friends find out. You wouldn't pull all of your friends aside individually and say "Just so you know..." would you? That would be weird. And if he was close enough to you, he would probably have seen that one coming anyway.

There's no reason that someone who hasn't remained in contact enough to be surprised by the engagement needs a pity speech. In my mind, there's probably a reason you left them in the past, and the fact that they think you owe them an explanation is indicative of a very controlling personality- which you should not have to deal with. I'd tell them to GTFO, and stop trying to freakin' parent me.

ETA: I say parent because the only man who should ever be hurt by not knowing about my engagement is my dad lol

MeaganR12

I only had one serious BF and we ended on really bad terms so I didn't tell him. My FI has been married before (no kids or anything) and didn't tell his ex. She sent a REALLY nasty email about it. I don't know why it would be any of her business though.

mandctaft

I told one of my ex's personally because we are still friends and I didn't want him to hear about it through Facebook. All the other ex's, they either found out from mutual friends or they didn't. I don't really care.

singing_lyn

I told my ex because he still messages me occasionally, but not in a I'm writing to you specifically because you're an ex and I figured you should know, but in a I'm telling everyone and there brother because I'm so excited and wanted to let you know. I think that how your ex contacted you was wrong, especially if you haven't had any contact at all in 3 years.

Madisonpenny

ha! nope.
I haven't spoken to any of my ex's, including my Ex-FI. (which by the way I found out through Facebook that he got married to a woman who is 24 years his senior and 2 years younger than his mother!)
But the other 2 very serious relationships I don't really talk to anymore and if I did then I'd maybe mention it if it worked it's way into a conversation otherwise I wouldn't go out of my way to say something.

Madisonpenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_did-you-tell-your-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:1e31a087-ad87-4501-8a24-57e25e147ab5Post:bd583045-aa0f-4a5d-94ae-47494278a1d8">Re: Did you tell your Ex?</a>:
[QUOTE]See, I totally agree. Why is it any of their business? Anyway, the real reason I asked is because one of them emailed me recently and the jist of it was that he was hurt and insulted I didn't tell him. He went on and on about how we had "something special" and "his heart is still empty inside" blah blah blah. (We have a lot of mutual friends and apparently one of our mutual friends said something about it and he was caught off guard.) My reaction to the email was "Really? We broke up THREE YEARS AGO. GET OVER IT." But of course I didn't email him that. I just said, "I'm sorry you felt that way. I hope you are doing well." I guess I was just looking for validation that I wasn't supposed to contact him and his email to me was inappropriate. Thanks, ladies.
Posted by bridetobe71412[/QUOTE]

ha see your much nicer than I am, if my ex emailed me out of the blue saying something like that I probably would have responded with something like. "Well I hear they do a great job on e-harmony.com, get an account, cheers! "

bridetobe71412

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_did-you-tell-your-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:1e31a087-ad87-4501-8a24-57e25e147ab5Post:b3ca85f8-c59d-4124-b386-b8c198e33d87">Re: Did you tell your Ex?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Did you tell your Ex? : ha see your much nicer than I am, if my ex emailed me out of the blue saying something like that I probably would have responded with something like.<strong> "Well I hear they do a great job on e-harmony.com, get an account, cheers! "
</strong>Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

LOL. You should see the first draft of the email I was going to send until my MOH talked me out of it . . . hahahaha

BrightFirefly

Ugh. This is an issue in my family right now.

I dated a guy for 5 years (and was engaged to - actually). I dumped him and moved onto FI. This was two years ago. My last contact with this ex was in February of last year - when I finally finished getting my stuff out of our shared apartment and into my new one.

Since then, he's drunk dialed and left me a few messages - no other contact.

My parents still see this guy on a weekly basis however - and he and my dad go and see movies and such. Really awkward. So - my mom feels like she needs to tell him I'm getting married - for him to have some closure. I already broke his heart majorly - and I don't want him to know. :-\

amygodfrey10

Sounds like he's still stuck in the past if after 3 years he's just now emailing you. Either that or, if your ex is single, he is jealous that you are moving on with your life and he can't. I'm sure my ex's found out through facebook. One is married so i'm sure he could care less. The other is the reason I met FI, plus he ended up being into guys so i know he DEFINITELY doesn't care that I am marrying someone else. But, I have to give him credit for introducing FI and I :]

avsfan33

Nope. I don't talk to my ex and never will. It's really none of his business. Now say we were still friends and I didn't want to punch him in the face every time I saw him,  I probably would have.

Carla1019

I think that if you share children with an ex than they have a right to know that there is another "parent" around the kids. But other than that, I agree it isn't their business.

Rebis58

No I didn't tell any of my exes. One "semi-ex" would have found out right away because he is married to my best friend (in the least weird way possible haha... we dated years and years ago, in high school, they started dating in university). 

The others probably know because I am from a small, gossipy town, but I'm not even facebook friends with them so I have no idea. Don't care, either. I agree with PPs it's none of their business.

If my most significant ex sent me an email like the one you received, I would seriously side eye it. We had a horrible relationship with a horrible, dragged out ending, and have not spoken or seen each other in years. It took me a long time to stop hating/loving him (yes, dysfunctional - I know...) but I am completely indifferent at this point and honestly wish him well in his life. But I definitely do not want him in my life in any way.

Elinetrouwt

I did tell my most recent ex, because he is not really over me yet, and I didn't want him to hear it through the grapevine. Another ex, who I am on friendly terms with as in, we exchange facebook messages a few times a year, congratulated me after he read it on FI's blog (don't ask, they already followed each other online when ex and me were dating). He's engaged himself now, too. 

And then there is the ex that I've been really good friends with for many years, and who I've dated for about three months, so technically he is an ex too, but I count him more as a friend. He was one of the first to know, he was engaged too when I told him and is married now.

aynos77

I don't think you have any obligation AT ALL to tell them, in fact I think if you do tell them it would be ODD.

On that note, I did tell me ex-husband, First we are still friends, Second and most importanly, he gets my 2 oldest kids all summer, and since we are having a July wedding, I would need to have them longer then I normally do. He gladly said I could keep them till after the wedding, so they can take part in it, and in return I am post poning the honeymoon till the end of July, so we can get them to their dad's fairly soon after the wedding!