I'm curious about the rudeness on this ...

Julie2013

Let me start by saying, I'm not a big fan of following etiquette. Customs and traditions vary too widely for us all to be judging each other by the same standard, in my opinion. That being said, I still don't want to be openly rude to anybody. I figure I many not always know what is right, but I most always know what is kind. And rudeness usually hurts somebody's feelings. I would like to not do that!

So here's the thing. I know not all of you are facing situations of discourse, but I bet some are. You know, where family isn't happy with something you've decided about your wedding -- the wedding dress, the venue, the food, certain other guests, etc. What are you doing about it? Are you telling certain people that if they are going to be party poopers they can just stay home? Are you giving them invitations and not saying a thing, hoping they won't show up if all they are going to do is be a black cloud in the room?

This very thing is keeping me from moving on with preparing our vow renewal. I'm totally stuck. I'd love to hear how others are handling these situations. I know this may start a mess of a discussion on whether vow renewals are appropriate in general (and, of course, I'm not going to say you can't post about that because I'm not the boss! lol), but my question is more about how to handle people you want to invite but who have a strong negative opinion about certain aspects of your wedding.

Thanks!

Julie

Caitlynmk

Personally I would rethink why I would want to invite someone in the first place if they are being rude to me or giving me unsolicited, rude advice about my wedding. If how they are acting really bothers you, maybe its a good idea to sit them down and talk to them- remind them that this is your vowel renewal and it should be a fun time for you and how they are acting is taking away from your experience. This isn't about them, its about you and your husband and they should just be happy and supportive for you. If they can't do that, I wouldn't invite them. But thats just my opinion...

JordanL1221

I am totally with you on this one, Julie.

My FI's side of the family lives in Colorado, we live in Oklahoma. I think his side was hoping that we would have the wedding in Colorado. Sure, it would be prettier probably, but we live here, my parents live here and my OOT guests live in Kansas. I have much more family that is coming (from Wichita, which is a 2 hour drive). It would be easier for them to make a 2 hour drive to OK than a 6-8 hour drive to Colorado. My parent's are also paying for the whole wedding, and they wanted it to be here so we can make sure everything is coming along as planned. With the chunk of money my parents are giving us for the wedding, we can pay for several plane tickets from Denver to OKC for those who need financial assistance. Still, some of his friends/family make jabs at "Oklahoma's weather is so unpredictable, you'd be better off having it in CO." or "It's nice that your fiancee gets to call all the shots, are you whipped?"

I say whatever. It's OUR day and he is okay with having it in Oklahoma. It gives me piece of mind and I can easily pick vendors here that I have heard great things about. Plus, it's very generous of my parents to pay for everything...so they have some pull.

If they have a problem, let them have a problem. It's YOUR day, nobody elses

jennipea382

People have so many opinions, it's ridiculous. The way I see it, as long as it doesn't affect the guest's comfort and ability to have a good time, who cares. I know my grandma won't like my flowers because she doesn't think daisies are "wedding" flowers. Some people might not like my fake bouquets, simple centerpieces or that we don't plan on having a church wedding, but those things do not affect the guest like it would if we only had small appetizers at dinner time or if we weren't hosting non alcoholic drinks for example. With these sorts of comments, I remind people that it's our wedding, not theirs. If they don't want to show up because they feel SO strongly about something minor like that, I'll be sad but that's their problem.

As for etiquette related things, I'm not too worried. We're doing a partial cash bar and probably having a head table. Those things are pretty common here so if someone doesn't like it, sorry. I know a lot of people on TK don't agree with those things, but they aren't coming to my wedding ;-)

misscrafty84

I guess it would depend on who was being rude. My Gma has some ideas about my wedding she's voiced, but I wouldn't dream of not inviting her even though she might not like my taste in bridesmaid dresses lol. In general I'd try to be the bigger person and still issue the invite if I wanted to continue my friendship/family relationshiip with the person. But I hate confrontation so I always try to avoid that lol.

Julie2013

So, the general consensus is that we should do what makes us happy as long as we aren't hurting anybody?  I think I will do my best to remember that and just keep dreaming and planning. 

My biggest issue is my mother.  She isn't for my husband and I doing a renewal of any type and I'm sure she'd really be upset if she comes and it's a wedding-type renewal!  We have an excellant relationship otherwise and all this puts her in a bit of a delimma.  I'm sure she'll be uncomfortable being there because she doesn't support it (and be embarrassed I'm taking part in a trend she disagrees with), yet she'll feel like she has to be there or people will gossip about imagined trouble in the family.  Oh, I probably need to mention that my mother has always been a card-carrying member of The Ettiquette Police!  And I know she's annoyed that I've put her in the position of having no comfortable way to turn on this one.  I feel for her, but having a renewal is important to both my husband and me.  We've been through some bad stuff together, have remained faithful through it all, and not only do we want to celebrate that, but to also renew old vows and make new promises to each other. This feels just as important to us as our actual decision to get married did.

One of my brothers and his wife will probably not be too thrilled but will be there to support my mother, if nothing else.  Then there will be the relatives we aren't inviting because this is just an immediate family event.  Many of them will look down on us if we fancy it up very much and even though that doesn't matter much to me, it matters to my mother.  Good grief, when did all this get so complicated!!!!

Julie

Julie2013

You guys have all been so great to jump in here and share your experience and opinions on this! Thank you!!

Sleeper, your ceremony does sound quite untraditional in many ways! Are you doing anything special to let people know that so they have a more informed choice to come or not? I'm wondering if there's a way to word our invites that this vow renewal is of the formal wedding type so any potentially offended parties can gracefully bow out due to "previous engagements." LOL

Julie

Julie2013

Maybe I'll tell the family gossip and let her spread it around!! LOL!!!

Julie

handheld

This is how I handle it I just decided that its my wedding I will do it my way and if someone doesn't like it they are welcome to select no on my RSVP card. 

My brother is upset that we are having a cash bar because we do not drink. I told him that I was sorry but thats what we decided and he was welcome to have an open bar at his own wedding (which is happening the following year) 

If you stress about it to much you wont enjoy your wedding

Julie2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_march-2013-weddings_im-curious-about-the-rudeness-on-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:2fb7282e-ed53-4794-84c9-f5617fc97f8bDiscussion:d6f9c61b-5d6e-463e-b645-bf6b4cdfce0bPost:4c5ca86b-f725-47e9-aa9f-bd2e8f61e43e">Re: I'm curious about the rudeness on this ...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is how I handle it I just decided that its my wedding I will do it my way and if someone doesn't like it they are welcome to select no on my RSVP card.  My brother is upset that we are having a cash bar because we do not drink. I told him that I was sorry but thats what we decided and he was welcome to have an open bar at his own wedding (which is happening the following year) <strong> If you stress about it to much you wont enjoy your wedding</strong>
Posted by handheld[/QUOTE]

So true, handheld!

Julie