Bachelor/Bachelorette Weekend in Vegas... BIG MISTAKE!

txnanny86

Hi everyone,

so I am getting married in just over 2 weeks.  My fiance and I had our bachelor/bachelorette party this past weekend in Vegas.  Because of what happened... I want to call off the wedding!

Here's the situation:
Us 3 girls invited the groom and 5 of his buddies to a male/female strip club.  We got a limo, everything was fine.  We get to the club and the girls go upstairs and the guys stay down.

After about 10 minutes, us girls got bored with the way cheesy male strippers and decided to go downstairs to meet up with the guys.  So, we walk down...
I look around and my FI is nowhere to be seen!  I ask the guys where he is and everyone tells me to NOT worry about it!  WTH???  So I keep bugging them for like 10 minutes cause I was getting worried!  Finally his best man looks at me and was like... where do you think he is?  OMG my stomach sank!  I got so nauseated I was so upset.  I had a stripper roommate in college and I know what goes on in those places!

Turns out, all 5 of his buddies gave this stripper a lot of cash to give him a private session in a separate part of the club!

So about 20 minutes later, my FI comes walking out from a dark hallway with a big grin on his face (until he saw me)!

He swears nothing happened and I don't care. 1) His buddies should have had more respect for me then that 2) I'm fine with regular lap dances since they are out in the open!!! 3) my fiance knew it would hurt me and he flat out told me he was sorry and he knew it was wrong BUT he didn't want to piss his buddies off!

I seriously feel like I've been cheated on!   He knew I wasn't ok with that.  I didn't get a lap dance, I didn't do anything!!! I kissed him at the end of the night and he tasted like the strippers lotion!!!

He didn't take my feelings into consideration, only his friends.  His excuse was... oh, I thought you were getting them upstairs!  OMG!  Even if I did get one, I wouldn't have a private session with a stripper!!!

Do you think I'm over reacting???

AdeleDazeem

I really don't know what think except to say this: Vegas isn't the problem.  His friends also aren't the problem.

If you have trust issues with your fiance, it's best to deal with it now. 

trix1223

ditto what Joy said.  I think you've been given a huge red flag here and I think you need to think seriously about where you go from here.  I'm not a fan of strip clubs to begin with, but as you said-out in the open room, okay. " Private session" in another room.  Nope.

I'd say some counseling is in order to help you decide whether you want to continue this relationship.

banana468

I have to echo PPs.  I think you have some underlying trust issues with your FI.

Frankly, while I wouldn't love it if DH was in a private room, I also would trust him not to do anything that would go against our marriage.

So I think you need to think about if there's anything below the surface that's really bothering you.

bajediva

OP, i'm usually on the NEY board & dont venture to others much, but i hope you don't mind me weighing in a little on this one. if you and your FI are truly prepared to spend the rest of your lives together, i hope you've realised that the 'rest of your lives' is a whole lot of time, with a whole lot of opportunities to mess up - and from time to time, *both* of you will, in one degree or another - as much as you love each other, none of us is blessed with perfection.

it's not a matter of if mistakes will be made, but how you handle them once they are. your FI acknowledges his mistake & i see no indication in your post that he is anything but regretful. i think he'd be willing to swallow his pride and do what it takes to regain your good graces (although that doesn't give you the right to hold the guilt over his head) and unequivocally determine the non-negotiable protocol for things of this nature - perhaps strip clubs are places you may want to decide neither of you ever goes.

this is something you should talk to your counsellor about, or a more experienced, trusted individual/couple if you don't have one. it's an opportunity for you both to grow as individuals and together. you must mean a whole lot to each other to have come this far - if i were you, i'd treasure that and put in the work it takes to make it more secure rather than throw it all away out of fear.

raniacharles

I must have missed the regretful part.  I guess you know he is regretful because of the big grin on his face. 

Lapdances, private lapdances, friends paying money to have your groom diss you.   Come on honey.  I know we're all desperate to get married, but how much worse do you want to be slapped in the face. 

This reminds me of the Sanford marriage.  He cheats on her repeatedly, and she is surprised, even though he took the fidelity vow out of their wedding ceremony.   Consider yourself fortunate that he let you know who he is now, rather than after years of marriage and a few kids. 

And if you marry him, because it was a "mistake" or bachelor parties don't count or it was his friends not him, or everyone needs to work through their problems, or some such drivel, at least you won't need to be surprised in the future.

jinxed8605

Banana and Stage are very right on this.

If I were in your shoes, I would call off the wedding and give him back his ring. The fact that he tasted like the stripper's lotion is a huge red flag that this guy is not who you thought he was.

notquiteblushing

Everybody calm down.  It was a strip club and a bachelor party.  NBD, move the heck on.  I trust my FI enough to know that some stranger rubbing her boobs in his face would not harm our relationship.

Button5807

I'm just wondering how you could possibly know what the strippers lotion tasted like.

lzimm13

I'm still hung up on the lotion with buttons...

chloetutor

I'm pretty chill about strip clubs, etc, but I'd be throwing a fit if he was in a room alone with a stripper.  Feel him out on it, but a wedding is a big commitment after something like that.

velvet_briarpatch

I would have no problem with my fiance getting a lap dance. It's a bachelor party. But if I kissed him and he tasted like stripper lotion....that might be an issue especially if it was a private lap dance. She could have just been rubbing up against him and his face though, which would be normal for a lap dance.

Overall, I trust my fiance completely and he trusts me. I agree with the others that trust is your issue. If you don't trust him, you might want to hold off on the wedding. But don't be mad just about a lap dance--it is a bachelor party, after all. If you have a solid relationship and trust him, then there shouldn't be anything to worry about.

revived86

i dont mean to open a huge can of worms here, but i am sorta confused by a few pp's comments that they wouldnt really care if their FI got a lapdance or something to that effect as long as he "didnt do anything that went against their marriage."

Is there anything else that could be *more* against a marriage vow than having your man be "entertained" and stimulated sexually by someone other than you, his wife?? I just don't see where you draw the line...he can watch a stripper dance but not get a lapdance; a lapdance is okay, but not in a private room; a private lap dance is ok as long as he doesnt touch her...it all seems so arbitrary to me. I know we all have different beliefs about the meaning of marriage...but i just dont see how this could be seen as okay if you believe marriage is a monogamous, lifelong commitment.
(For further clarification, a good example of what i mean by the whole arbitary-cheating-spectrum thing can be found here: http://www.theplunge.com/bachelorparty/what-counts-as-cheating-at-bachelor-party (FYI, link is probably NSFW- there's a somewhat inappropriate pic at the top)

And to txnanny86, the OP, i want to say that i am so, so sorry this happened to you. What a difficult situation. My heart hurts for you... i know how scary it is to find yourself thinking "Do i still want to marry this man?" (FI have been thru some other kinds of hard things that have brought that up in my mind in the past.) I agree with pp's that you may want to seek out counseling and discuss this with someone who can be objective in the situation and help you find some clarity. I wish you all the best- you are in my thoughts and prayers!

banana468

For me, I know that if DH has a lap dance, it starts and ends there.  Is it my favorite thing?  No.

But it's also not something that he does as a habit.  So a night out with the boys where he may wind up getting a lap dance is fine by me.  If that was what he just called Friday, I think we'd have issues.

It's not just the lap dance though.  It's our marriage and how we treat one another EVERY day - and not just for that one event.  That's how I make the distinction.  

redheadfsu

My issue is that your FI knew he crossed the line.

In my relationship,  looking is ok & touching is not. Every relationship has it's  own arbitrary mutually agreed upon cheating line. Cheating is when  the member of that relationship crosses the agreed upon  line. It all comes down to respect. If there is a mutually agreed upon line, you don't secretly cross it out of respect.

Sounds like he knew that a private dance was not allowed. That means he doesn't respect you. Sorry. I would call off the marriage.  People do not change, you just find out who they truly are.

When people show you who they are, please believe them. It will be cheaper to call off the wedding then file for divorce in a few years.

[Deleted User]

Oh hell no, if that was my FI there would be no wedding.

You have to consider how he is everyday, something no one here knows. Do you ever have doubts about his loyalty? Is it common for him to go along with his friends' stupid ideas even though he knows they are wrong? Does he frequently cross the line, knowing you'll be hurt, and do them anyway?

Going into a private room with a stripper is one thing, doing it when you are upstairs and could wallk in at any minute is another. That, to me, is complete disrespect. To me it sounds like he's only remorseful and apologizing because he got caught, and the fact that he tasted like the stripper tells you exactly what you need to know.

Open your eyes to the signs before you marry him, because these trust problems won't magically go away once a ring is on your finger.

revived86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorbachelorette-weekend-vegas-big-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:049dafeb-0056-4775-a59c-0b5c87882246Post:028c5428-5fb8-4f8b-9e44-09077fc0c0cb">Re: Bachelor/Bachelorette Weekend in Vegas... BIG MISTAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE] A) DH gets entertained and sexually stimulated by a stiff wind blowing in just the right direction.  So if everything that turns him on that isn't me is cheating, we have LOTS of issues. B) Have you ever watched a romantic movie and gotten butterflies or warm fuzzies when the male lead says or does something incredibly romantic?  Well, by your own definition then, you are being unfaithful to your DH/FI.  DH gets absolutely no more "stimulated" watching a stripper gyrate on a poll than I do watching Johnny Depp play John Dillinger.  The difference is that Johnny has his clothes on (mostly) and so society hasn't labeled it "dirty".  To say that you should be the only thing in the entire world that peaks your guy's sexual interest is not only naive but impossible.  Getting married doesn't mean that your libido suddenly has only one stimulus,<strong> it means that you are vowing to only ACT on one stimulus of your libido. </strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Stage, I basically completely agree with this, lol. It's just that to me, walking into a strip club to watch half-naked girls dance on poles IS acting on a stimulus of your libido other than your wife- eg, your desire to be sexually stimulated by OTHER women. If a guy walks past a girl with a nice body and notices it and maybe even gets a little turned on by it- that's out of his control. But he makes a decision in the next moment to turn around and watch her walk away or not...and that's where i draw the line, i guess. I dunno if that sounds crazy or what but it's what i believe. There's a saying about this idea actually- "You can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair."

And you make a really, really good point about the "butterflies" thing for women- and now that i think about it, I would have to agree that if i were letting myself get completely taken away by a romantic movie or novel such that it gave me those same sorts of feelings that being in love with my FI does, then that would be a kind of "emotional cheating." You're right about that, and I'm going to try and be more conscious of it in my life- because i do want to live up to my own standards in this.

sunshine31088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorbachelorette-weekend-vegas-big-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:049dafeb-0056-4775-a59c-0b5c87882246Post:ca098938-e1fc-4cce-ac52-58b43f94f2d8">Re: Bachelor/Bachelorette Weekend in Vegas... BIG MISTAKE!</a>:
[QUOTE]My issue is that your FI knew he crossed the line. In my relationship,  looking is ok & touching is not. Every relationship has it's  own arbitrary mutually agreed upon cheating line. Cheating is when  the member of that relationship crosses the agreed upon  line. It all comes down to respect. If there is a mutually agreed upon line, you don't secretly cross it out of respect. Sounds like he knew that a private dance was not allowed. That means he doesn't respect you. Sorry. I would call off the marriage.  People do not change, you just find out who they truly are. When people show you who they are, please believe them. It will be cheaper to call off the wedding then file for divorce in a few years.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>AGREED!</div><div>
</div><div>Every relationship has it's own boundaries. Only a couple can decide what is crossing the line in their relationship. It sounds like he knew he did!</div><div>
</div><div>When my FI and I discussed the bachelor/bachelorette parties, we both agreed not to do the stripper scene. Not that it is bad, but we just don't feel comfortable with it. If he does it anyway, I will be pissed because that would be totally respectful to me! </div><div>
</div><div>Even though you both didn't set boundaries, it sounds like he knew how you would feel anyway. I think what he did lacked any respect for you!</div>

tvroybal

I think you're sending mixed messages to your fiance.  You probably should have had the boundary conversation before the weekend started, or better yet, while you were planning the weekend.  Let him know what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with.  By going to the strip club with him it feels like you gave him the stamp of approval.

hsunij

apprently everyone has different opinions. I am pretty okay if my FI wants to go to a strip club for this bachelor party, I wouldnt be happy about the private dance, but its his bachelor party and I want him to do what he wants without cheating. Like someone said before "it starts and it ends" then the dance is over....

But the part of this story that upsets me is that the guy CLEARLY knew he did something that wasn't going to be okay with his FI by the reaction he had to seeing her. My fiance and I know what is okay and what is not okay with each other and I 100% trust he will respect me, but still know I want him to have his fun on his bachelor party...

now if he was goin to a strip club ilke once a month.... I wouldnt be to happy

mb2712

I am new to this board, I just found it today, and I know that I don't know much about all of you, but reading your post made my stomach hurt, and I am very, very sorry for what happened to you.

I know every relationship is different, and everyone has their own definition of cheating, but I hate to say it.... if you never walked down there, you probably would have never known about it.  I think cheating is horrible, but I think lying about it is even worse.  This may sound ridiculous now, but at least you know the truth up front, and don't find out way after the fact and are mad forever.

I agree with pp in that I am not sure I'd want to get married after that act, but at the same time, allowing your parties to be at strip clubs almost opened everything up for being a possible disaster.  I think that counseling would be a good idea if you both want to do it, but in the end, it is up to you if you think you are going to be able to forgive him.

SuMmErKuTiE

I'm sorry this happened to you, honestly if this happened to me I don't think I'd be able to marry my FI. This post made my stomach turn as well, I can't imagine how I would feel if this happened. Luckily, my FI has no interest in even going to a strip club for his bachelor party.

If you're engaged or even in a committed dating relationship, in my opinion you should not be going anywhere privately with another person of the opposite sex for them to take their clothes off in front of you and grind their stuff in your face or on your crouch. (Sorry TMI) And if he tasted like her lotion which I don't know how you would know what that tasted like.. but that means his mouth was on her body.. to me that is beyond crossing the line.

raniacharles

I just don't get most of these answers.   So many brides I know are uncomfortable with or anxious about or horrified by the bachelor party plans, yet try to rationalize it away.  Or they are made to feel silly, or like they are over-reacting.   Why?

Here are what I hear most often, here as well as in IRL.

"It's a bachelor party, so it's OK."   So, is the bachelor party night somehow immune from the normal rules of your relationship.  Where did this entitlement come from?  Also, isn't it actually worse that this type of behavior occurs at the bachelor party, since this is right at the time of your wedding celebration and since the groomsmen's last memory of your fiance will be with the strippers all over him. How can that be respectful of your relationship?  I usually hate to quote celebrities, but recently Heidi Klum said that she doesn't flirt with other men because it's disrespectful to her husband.   Your fiance should not have naked women all over him because it's disrespectful to you.   

The other thing I don't get is that "it's OK as long as he doesn't cheat."   This just sounds like Clinton speak.   I guess if you define cheating as intercourse and nothing less, then it makes sense.  But for most  people having sex involves foreplay.  And having a naked woman grinding on you is foreplay. If the girl next door was naked and grinding on your fiance, is that not cheating.   If you say it's different because it's a stripper and she's paid or because it's a bachelor party, I don't get it, since in that case, a prostitute shouldn't count either.  

And the same goes for saying that it only happens once in a while.  How does that excuse it?

Lastly, trying to convince someone that they should be OK with this activity because he gets turned on by a gust of wind or by a girl walking by or because you get quivery feelings by watching a romantic movie just seems so lame.   Men get extremely turned on by a beautiful naked woman grinding on them.  It may not be a meaningful sexual activity, but neither is a one night stand.   The equivalent is not a gust of wind or a romantic movie, but you making out naked with a guy rubbing your breasts and groin. And we know that your FH wouldn't like that.  And this is purposefully seeking out that stimulation.   More importantly, who would diss their FH by making out with a guy in front of all your friends just before you were going to get married.   I guess some people might be OK with that, but I'm with Heidi there--it shows lack of respect--and I would not do that to my FH---and I expect the same from him.  

I'm really sorry that this happened to you.   

   

raniacharles

Stqage Manager,

I think you are being extremely defensive of your relationship.  in fact, I never judged your relationship.  It was your opinion that I judged as lame, i.e., that getting turned on by a gust of wind or by a romantic movie is the same as getting turned on by a naked woman grinding on your groin while your friends cheer you on just before your wedding.  That just seems to me to be an extreme form of rationalization.