ok to ask for a shower?

Sarah-Jean

I don't have any family that I speak with, so our wedding is pretty much just my fiance's family & our friends. Because of this, i'm nervous that no one will think to throw a shower, and I hate the idea of not having one. I don't want to come out and ask my bridesmaid as this seems very pushy & asking a lot of them. Should I drop hints or just let it be and see what happens?

banana468

Just see what happens.

I agree that it's unfortunate if no one offers, but that doesn't mean that it would be OK to ask for one either.

trix1223

To answer your question. no, it's not okay to ask for a shower.  Sorry, but a shower is a gift to you, and if no one gives you one, you just don't have it.  I know you'd like one, but you'll still be just as married without a shower as you will if you do have one. 

Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's a huge etiquette faux pas to ask someone to throw you a party,  And it's a bigger faux pas to throw a shower for yourself.

Sarah-Jean

thanks for the input. i thought the same thing, i just wanted to see what others thought.

LisaTyler1984

Share your worries with your fiance and he will clue in his mom or your MOH. I'm sure they will want to throw one from you. You shouldn't ask for it yourself, but just tell your fiance that you are worried you won't get a shower. Of course your bridal party or the women in your fiance's family will want to throw you one. Everyone deserves a shower! Don't worry, for all you know it's already in the works. It's supposed to be a surprise! 

AlannaF

I'm in a similar situation.  I don't have any real family due to various circumstances, and my wedding will also be a combination of our friends and his family. I agree that one shouldn't ask for a shower. Just see what happens.  I never mentioned it to anyone, and almost wasn't going to register, but FI's family has already made plans to throw one for me, and a couple of my bridesmaids are talking about one as well. It's nice to know that they are planning something of their own volition.

If they're your friends/future family, they know your circumstances and can figure it out.  Worst case scenario, you don't have one. Sad but not a big deal.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-ask-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:077f475e-485a-447a-8cc9-5844c72c9f1dPost:fdef8f6a-ffe7-4b12-ae5f-53ebd84ac36f">Re: ok to ask for a shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]You shouldn't ask for it yourself, but just tell your fiance that you are worried you won't get a shower. Of course your bridal party or the women in your fiance's family will want to throw you one. Everyone deserves a shower! Don't worry, for all you know it's already in the works. It's supposed to be a surprise! 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]
<strong>
It's supposed to be a surprise! </strong>Not all showers are surprises, nor do they have to be.  My DD knew when here shower was, where it was, and who was invited.  She just didn't know details (menu, for example).  Our family are not fans of surprises, and prefer not to have them sprung on us.  That doesn't make the shower any less special. 

<strong>Everyone deserves a shower!   </strong>Again, no one DESERVES a shower.  It's a gift that someone gives to a bride or mom-to-be.  It is not required, and someone is no less married if they don't have one.  Is it nice to have one?  Sure.  Do they "deserve" one?  Nope.  No more than they "deserve" an overpriced Pretty Princess Wedding

<strong>Of course your bridal party or the women in your fiance's family will want to throw you one. </strong>And again:  not necessarily.  There are a lot of reasons why people might not want to throw a shower.  Perhaps they are not in a financial position to host a shower.  Maybe they're just not into wedding stuff.  (Not every female is.)  Maybe they are uncomfortable planning a hosting this kind of event.  Please don't assure anyone that OF COURSE they'll WANT to throw them a party.
<strong>
but just tell your fiance that you are worried you won't get a shower.</strong> And AGAIN, it's a gift.  No one should be guilted into throwing a party for you.  If people don't step up to give you one, you don't have a shower. 

LisaTyler1984

Your future mother in law, will want to throw you a shower. It doesn't have to be an ordeal that costs thousands of dollars, but if you have a good relationship, she will.

EVERY Bride DESERVES a shower (unless they are a wretched bitch) and a fairy-tale wedding. It's a gift, yes. But a deserved one! Don't you worry, your fiance will talk to his mom. Now go to Bloomies and scan away! 

banana468

You may be able to make the statement, "Every bride deserves a shower" - maybe.

But not "Every MIL or group of BMs are in the position to THROW a shower."  And asking for it can come across as being really rude.  And that's not a great way to start off married life with the MIL - as the DIL who feels that MIL should be doing things for her.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-ask-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:077f475e-485a-447a-8cc9-5844c72c9f1dPost:95dc5113-7509-4d0b-a089-01aa4b8c360d">Re: ok to ask for a shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your future mother in law, will want to throw you a shower. 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

<div>Really, how do you know?  My MIL didn't want to throw a shower.  My mom didn't want to throw a shower.  I don't like throwing showers when I'm a BM.</div><div>
</div><div>Asking for a shower is rude, plain and simple.  It is not the god-given right of every bride to have people throw her parties and buy her gifts.</div><div>
</div><div>I had a shower, and for that I'm grateful.  But I would not be any less married, or any less happy, had I not had one.  They are not a requirement to get married and if no one offers, you just don't have one.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

MOBinFL2008

Lisa, I'm finding it very hard to take your posts seriously.  If everything you post is true, then you must have led a very sheltered life up to this point and that is very, very sad. 

Every MIL does not want to throw a shower.  Not all are financially able and many are just not "party throwing" type people.

Yes, maybe every bride "deserves" a shower but that doesn't mean that every bride has a shower.  Telling someone to have their FI talk to his mom or the MOH about throwing a shower is no different than the bride asking herself.  After all, the gifts are for the couple, not the exclusive property of the bride.

Do yourself a favor.  Go to Bloomies and buy yourself an etiquette book and then read it.  When you finish reading it, spend a week or two just lurking on these boards and then maybe you might be ready to start posting.

LisaTyler1984

Hey Banana,

I just wanted to say that I appreciate your different point of view. We seem to differ on a lot of opinions, but I have only been enlightened by you advice. I don't always agree with you, but I commend you for your diplomatic responses; it is certainly refreshing. 

banana468

Thanks Lisa.

kikicurlytop

WTF? Why is everyone so bent out of shape over this whole thing? This is where people can share what they think about a topic. You can't just lay into people about their own experiences or opinions. I personally think that it would suck not to have a shower. My MOH and my mother are planning mine, but I have had a lot of say in things because they have asked me what I want. I don't think that is wrong at all, regardless of what some people may say

banana468

Kiki, people ASKED YOU for your opinions.  That's totally different than asking for a shower.

This isn't about experiences or opinions only.  It's also about being appropriate.  Doing so means that you don't ask people to throw a party for you. 

I agreed with PPs that unless there are some extenuating circumstances, it's great for almost all brides to have a shower.  However, there ARE extenuating circumstances and sometimes life isn't fair.  That's one of those 'just how it is' sort of things.  Being an adult means accepting that as well.

Sarah-Jean

Wow I never thought I'd get this many responses! Thanks Everyone. To be clear, contrary to the title of the post, I would never 'ASK' for a shower. I  just wanting to know if anyone was in the same boat & if 'hinting' about is as taboo as asking. My finace doesn't have a mother (his father & grandmother raised him) and she pasted away last year (we're devistated she won't be able to see our big day), so the MIL throwing one is definetly not going to happen.  I'm fine with not having one, I mean, it's the wedding that counts, right? However, I still have one question. Girlfriends keep asking "When is your shower?". I have no idea how to respond, because even if I did have a mother or someone that's planning to throw it, how would I know?! Second, it's strange having to explain "well, i don't know if i'm having one" without sounding like i'm asking. Any thoughts on how to respond?

kmg977

Completely agree with the posts before.  DO not ask or hint.  But express how you feel to your fiance!!! Good luck!!!

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-ask-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:077f475e-485a-447a-8cc9-5844c72c9f1dPost:2bfb93d0-d593-41f1-b655-4f4b3aaefc85">Re: ok to ask for a shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I never thought I'd get this many responses! Thanks Everyone. To be clear, contrary to the title of the post, I would never 'ASK' for a shower. I  just wanting to know if anyone was in the same boat & if 'hinting' about is as taboo as asking. My finace doesn't have a mother (his father & grandmother raised him) and she pasted away last year (we're devistated she won't be able to see our big day), so the MIL throwing one is definetly not going to happen.  I'm fine with not having one, I mean, it's the wedding that counts, right? <strong>However, I still have one question. Girlfriends keep asking "When is your shower?". I have no idea how to respond, because even if I did have a mother or someone that's planning to throw it, how would I know?! Second, it's strange having to explain "well, i don't know if i'm having one" without sounding like i'm asking. Any thoughts on how to respond?</strong>
Posted by Sarah-Jean[/QUOTE]
I think its fine to respond to that question by saying that you don't know if you are having one, you don't have to explain that no one has offerred to throw one. And remember that anyone can throw a shower, so if your girlfirends want to, and offer to, then they can certainly do that for you.

eatyourgreens1776

I agree with sarahP, I think honesty is the best policy and responding that you don't know is just the truth! I wouldnt hint about wanting one personally BUT, as a friend I would really want to thow a shower i someone wanted one, and would feel really terrible if a friend wanted one and had never let me know about it. So- weird situation!! i dont have an answer but thats my input.

KaserLeigh

It all depends on you, and their relationships. my MOH had never been in a wedding before and had only been to one wedding when she was like 6. She asked for a list of what MOH's do, and I told her. Throwing a shower (if she was financially able and willing) was one of them. A few months later, she called me for a guest list. She's OOT so I'm helping a lot... not a fan of surprises. We're planning it together, and honestly I'm happy for it. We're having so much fun, getting to spend a lot of time together, and it gets my mind off all the big wedding stuff.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-ask-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:077f475e-485a-447a-8cc9-5844c72c9f1dPost:8689df04-00a8-47b6-985d-090bea70d609">Re: ok to ask for a shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]It all depends on you, and their relationships. my MOH had never been in a wedding before and had only been to one wedding when she was like 6. She asked for a list of what MOH's do, and I told her. Throwing a shower (if she was financially able and willing) was one of them. A few months later, she called me for a guest list. She's OOT so I'm helping a lot... not a fan of surprises. We're planning it together, and honestly I'm happy for it. We're having so much fun, getting to spend a lot of time together, and it gets my mind off all the big wedding stuff.
Posted by KaserLeigh[/QUOTE]


I see that you think it is okay to put unfair pressure on MOH and hand her a list of duties/chores and expectations of what she HAS to do for you

PeonyPrincesskdd

It is also very rude to help plan your own shower.  It is not your business to plan your own party

KaserLeigh

She asked. I wasn't going to leave her in the dark and cause her to stress anymore than she already was. There are lists of BMs duties on this site actually... that's where I got it from. Maybe since you apparently run this place you should ask them to take that down because it's so rude.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-ask-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:077f475e-485a-447a-8cc9-5844c72c9f1dPost:e752e4ca-1f83-4a05-94ba-beeab223d400">Re: ok to ask for a shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]She asked. I wasn't going to leave her in the dark and cause her to stress anymore than she already was. There are lists of BMs duties on this site actually... that's where I got it from. Maybe since you apparently run this place you should ask them to take that down because it's so rude.
Posted by KaserLeigh[/QUOTE]

TK exists to make people money.  Don't take recommendations from a wedding industry site on what BMs must do and not do.

KaserLeigh

Which is exactly why I said "if she was willing and financially able." I never said she HAD to.

banana468

That's fine - but then don't call them a list of duties.  Calling them duties makes them seem like the BMs HAVE to do those things.  They don't.

KaserLeigh

I understand that... but typing "duties" was shorter and more time efficient than saying "a list of things that you can do if you want to, but you totally don't have to. I'm not asking for any of this, just answering your question about what you can do if you want, and have the money... so please don't be offended... either way here they are." to keep things politically correct around here.  Haha.