Hen do / bridal shower problems - ALREADY!

kittenweeks

My wedding is in July, and I'm based in London. (despite what is says on the left there - I have no idea why it thinks I'm in NY!)

One of my only two bridesmaids, my best friend from aged 5, lives in Portugal now, whilst I still live here in London. I am still friends with another six friends from that age, and to be honest, they make up most of my female friends. The rest are good friends, but not nearly as close, and they would be the ones I would love to come to my hen party.

Now, I hate tacky 'nights on the town' for hen parties (you try Soho on a weekend), so one old friend suggested we go to Lisbon for a weekend, stay for free at my friend's HUGE house and eat in lots, just chilling in the sunshine, with the added bonus of my best friend being able to be there as she can't leave work in Lsbon due to different working arrangements. A brilliant plan. Cheap, simple (flights from the UK to Portugal start about £60 return if you book early enough).

So, I send an email out to all my girlfriends, asking them to email their availability for a weekend/long weekend in the new year, to be fitted around their availability, to my maid of honour (who is in the UK!). I did this last night. The wedding is eight months away.

Out of my seven friends from way back, one of whom came up with the idea, five have said they're not available. I hadn't even mentioned a date.

They've instead asked if I can do something in town. Which is exactly what I don't want, and as they've known me for so long, they must know this.

Now, my question is: should I be offended by this? Does it matter that the majority of my old friends won't be there? And what do I do either way?!

Thanks! x

marissa_claire

Kitten, the easiest way to handle this is to sit back.  As the bride, you're not supposed to have much say in planning these parties because they are thrown in your honor.  I would suggest not worrying about it and focusing on the party you actually are hosting - your wedding.

kittenweeks

Hi Marissa-Claire

I know where you're coming from, but as my day job is as a freelance event producer, I've already done 90% of my wedding planning/making! Plus, over here, it does tend to be the bride that picks the activity, then the bridesmaids take over...

Those friends were meant to reply to my maid of honour, but instead emailed me and didn't tell her, so I got dragged into it.

I really didn't think this would be the hard part, you know!

marissa_claire

Even if you have nothing to do, I would sit back and let them take care of it.  If they want you to pick an activity, then pick something and let them plan around it.  They can come up with the when, where, etc. on their own.  

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but often times when girls come on the Knot asking a similar question to yours, they tend to be control freaks and don't trust their friends to plan a party.  I would personally put trust in my friends to make it all work out okay.  Worst case scenario - no one gives you a bachelorette party and that really wouldn't be the end of the world.  You'd still get married at the end of the day, right?

kittenweeks

Hi

I wouldn't ever call myself a control freak and I do, absolutely, trust my MOH to give me a great party.

Where I am genuinely hurt is those friends not trusting her to sort it out, and dragging me into something that, as you yourself say, shouldn't really be my concern. Instead, I'm feeling a bit confused about my role and upset that they have managed to cancel their appearance before hearing the date - and are asking me to sort it out! (My poor MOH - she's totally awesome and just wanted their email addresses!)

So I think you may have misunderstood - I'm not upset about not getting my own way (the weekend away plan sounded perfect, and was my MOH's to work out), I'm upset about their reaction. Sure, we can do something else, but the collective turn to me is just a bit mad.

marissa_claire

Kitten, I don't think I can make it any clearer.  The whole point is that this is not your problem.  It's your MOH's problem.  Involving yourself is like seeing two girls in a catfight and throwing yourself in the middle.  They can work it out, I promise.

kittenweeks

Well, seeing as they haven't had the courtesy to email the MOH with contact details, I expect this to keep being batted to my side of the fence.

I don't want to be involved from this point, but I would appreciate advice in how to keep all parties happy whilst simultaneously shuffling the stress of it onto someone not planning a wedding...

marissa_claire

Going back through your original post, I think they are trying to tell you they can't afford it.  If you didn't mention a date but they said they won't be available, then I think that most simply means that they will not be in a position to take a weekend to travel, whether it be for money's sake or maybe they won't get time off.  If they don't want to do a destination bach party, then they probably just won't come - meaning it will be a getaway for two friends. 

So now you have your choice - either do it in town and have lots of people, or go out with your MOH.  

deepcovejackie

They can't afford it, sounds like.  You may need to change your plan.

kittenweeks

Guys, I appreciate the advice - doing it this far in advance was about guaranteeing the inexpensiveness of the plan.

Since posting this, two of my other friends have said they are up for it, and all of the old friends (who came up with the idea) have bailed. They've mainly cited availability, which to be honest, is a little weird as if they had said cashflow I'd have been much happier. Now I'm kind of left with the idea they just don't want to come.

So my MOH and I had a quick chat - we're going, along with a couple of uni friends and perhaps a few more recent acquaintances, and we may sort out something in town for another date for them to come along to. If anybody tries to contact me about it, I will give them my MOH's details and ask them to speak to her.

It's a shame, as I've found myself spending £500 on one of them's hen do, and £150 on another, with more in the pipeline, I can't help but feel bitter about them not wanting to spend £60 getting to mine plus a split trip to the supermarket...!

On the bright side, I suppose you could view it as not having people there who will moan about the cost, and as RetreadBride pointed out, their circumstances may change (though flight prices will likely triple in the new year...!)

Again, I really didn't count on this being the hard part. Having organised two do's myself as a MOH, I never saw this coming... they were so easy, everyone just said yes, and one of those involved getting 20 girls in one cottage in a different town (and even country) to all attendees, with no simple transport connections plus purchasing race tickets and.... you get the idea. It was still easy.

Oh well, never mind.

mysticl

I can guess why they contacted you and not the MOH.

YOU e-mailed them, so they just hit reply and told you they can't make it.  If you wanted the replys to go to the MOH then she should have sent the e-mail.  It's basic e-mail mentality if you are responding to a message you respond by hitting reply not by tracking down another person to respond to.

George7211

Did you ever think since they are your oldest and dearest friends they plan on surprising you they all got together and said "lets not tell her we are coming" this is not for you to plan or invite people. Relax and see what happens. I could see me and a couple close friends doing this to a close friend  Bride thinking it would be fun and not knowing it upset you.