Pre-wedding Parties

Need advice - Am I becoming the third wheel??

My fiancé and I are getting married in September 2011 and have planned a week long trip to the beach with our wedding party so they can get to know each other, and Friday night we will split up to have separate bachelor and bachelorette parties.  Well that was the original plan…now it seems like my girlfriends can’t make it down for most of the week (they will be there for the big night) and only a few of the guys will be there all week.  I expressed to my fiancé that since we are renting a house for the week, I still want to take full advantage of relaxing before the wedding and having fun (we are paying for most of the house anyway).  Well now all I hear is “me and the guys are going to do this, and me and the guys are going to do that.”  And to top it off, after expressing how excited I was to still go to the beach REGARDLESS of who was going, my fiancé had the audacity to tell me, “I’m going to drive down with my friend…you just come later in the week.”  EXCUSE ME?!  Am I wrong or is that hurtful??  I feel like I am being completely excluded from something that I helped to plan and was looking forward to!  I only want to be married once…this entire process is something I want to look back on and remember and this was a huge part of that.  Now I don’t even feel welcome.  I tried to explain that I don’t care if him and his guy friends want to hang out, but don’t make me feel like I don’t even exist.  So he tells me that I can still come, but don’t be mad when he is out all day with the guys and I am left home alone.  I just don’t understand why he won’t even TRY to include me at some point during the week.  The whole beach house with both of our wedding parties being together was his idea in the first place!  Just because things didn’t work out as planned, why am I getting the short end of the stick?  Should I even go to our beach trip or just go for my bachelorette party…or just stay home and have one?

And to backtrack a little, the guy my fiancé is going to drive to the beach with was recently separated from his wife.  We all used to hang out together (not too often, but every few months since we live far away) and no matter what the guys wanted to do, they always included us and we all had a great time together.  Now that he is separated, he is CONSTANTLY calling and texting my fiancé and always asking him to go out.  It’s like total overload!  Where was this guy when he was still married??  Now all of a sudden everything is guys guys guys guys GUYS!  I feel like just because he changed his lifestyle doesn’t mean that we should suddenly completely change ours.  I realize that things will be different now, but my fiancé seems to not understand that he is not a bachelor and I do have feelings.  For example, I recently asked my fiancé if he and I could go to a hockey game together (we are season ticket holders but have sold a lot of tickets to make money for the wedding).  He called me later that day and asked if I would be okay if he took this friend instead.  I was so hurt!  And hurt even more that he got mad at me for being upset!  We ended up going but not without a huge fight and him telling me I am selfish.  Am I being selfish?  I feel like I am slowly becoming the third wheel in my own relationship! HELP!!!  Am I wrong for feeling upset? 

Re: Need advice - Am I becoming the third wheel??

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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you have a fiance problem.

    My husband would never have said that I was not welcome or purposefully exclude me.

    Talk to him.  Communicate with him. 
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    edited December 2011
    I'd be upset, too. Telling you to drive down later in the week is inexcusable.

    When you planned the beach week, he probably assumed that you were going to do things with your friends, all week and he would be free to do whatever he wanted with his friends. Time to clear up that misunderstanding.

    I understand him wanting to spend time with his friend who is separated from his wife, but that relationship shouldn't take precedence over his relationship with you. I think couples counseling would really help him put things in perspective.

    Good luck.
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, you definitely need to talk to him. It sounds like he is reverting back to his bachelor days now that he has his friend back. He should not be excluding from things that you have planned to do together, like the hockey game, and that would really piss me off, too. 

    Try to talk to him at calm time though, so you don't just blow up and have a huge fight. Maybe over dinner one night you can bring up how left out you feel and how hurt you are. 

    Sorry you are going through this and I really hope you can work it out and have a good conversation.
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    lvernon4lvernon4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with all that has been posted! It sounds like the event is not what you originally planned anyway, so maybe you should just cancel or try to convince at least one of your girlfriends to come. Also you need to talk to him, not yell or fuss or be angry, but just try to calmly express and communicate how you feel about the whole situation. Good luck. 
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    heytay89heytay89 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like he is the one being selfish and completely inconsiderate of your feelings. My fiance would never do that to me. Does he usually behave this way or is it a new thing? If this is how he always has been, then this is the way he always will be, and you need to decide whether or not you can be happy in a relationship where your partner doesn't see spending time with you, or making you happy, as a priority. That isn't to say that he needs to be waiting on you hand and foot like a little lost puppy, but he should at least ask you for your opinion and not put his friendship with this guy above his relationship with you. He sounds like a jerk in MHO. Obviously I don't know him, but my friend is married to a guy like that. I rarely hear her say good things about him, it's always negative. His friends and his happiness comes first, and she's only important when it's convenient for him. Not exactly a recipe for a happy marriage. I would put my foot down and let him know that he is marrying you, not his friend, and that this time is very important to you.
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