Pre-wedding Parties

Wedding guest list smaller than pre-parties? Help!

I'll be honest, I grew up a Mormon around Mormon weddings. In a Mormon wedding, the ceremony is very small (only adults in good standing in the Church can enter the temple and even then the biggest rooms can only hold 20 people) and the pre-parties and reception are as big as they want! 

However, FI is not Mormon so we are just winging it. We were thinking about having a small wedding (30 people) on a beach in California and dinner and foregoing the big reception my mom wants us to have in Arizona (lots of things combining to make it difficult). 

My mom is very disappointed she won't get a chance to celebrate the marriage of her oldest child with her friends (all of whom are my friends' parents) and my aunts, uncles, and cousins so I was wondering if it would be inappropriate to suggest my parents throw an engagement party (Mormons don't typically have this pre-party so I don't think she knows about it) when the majority of the people who will be invited won't be invited to the wedding. But those same people are all accustomed to the Mormon wedding. 

Re: Wedding guest list smaller than pre-parties? Help!

  • ivyrose13ivyrose13 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It is poor etiquette to invite people to pre-wedding parties that are not invited to the wedding. If you want to have a small wedding, then you either have smaller pre-wedding parties or just forgo them completely.


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  • edited December 2011
    Since it's an out-of-town wedding, why not have a second reception or luncheon after you get married?  Not sure what the difficulty with that is that you mention.  While etiquette would say, as ivyrose said, no pre-party invite without a wedding invite, if the people you would invite to this second party won't care that they aren't invited to the real wedding, then maybe you can make it work.  Could your mom host a lunch in your honor after church one day?  

    FI and I are not getting married in either of our hometowns.  While we are inviting a lot of family, I think my mom would also like to celebrate with her synagogue community, so we will be having an auf ruf (we will participate in a small part of the service and get a blessing) at their synagogue and then my parents will host a casual luncheon at the synagogue for everyone who was at the service.  No one will bring a gift, and no one will think that because they were at the auf ruf, they are going to be invited to the wedding.  It is pretty casual, no invitations, etc.

  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_wedding-guest-list-smaller-pre-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:22447de8-577b-4bda-a0bf-e38868001e59Post:2d3b3d4d-119c-4e0e-9646-2419c5498388">Re: Wedding guest list smaller than pre-parties? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one who will not be invited to the wedding should ever be invited to any pre-wedding function, especially a shower. It sends the message that they're good enough to spend money on you, but not to have at your nuptials
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this exactly
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_wedding-guest-list-smaller-pre-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:22447de8-577b-4bda-a0bf-e38868001e59Post:2d3b3d4d-119c-4e0e-9646-2419c5498388">Re: Wedding guest list smaller than pre-parties? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one who will not be invited to the wedding should ever be invited to any pre-wedding function, especially a shower. It sends the message that they're good enough to spend money on you, but not to have at your nuptials
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Actually, OP said it was typical in the Mormon community to invite people to pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the ceremony. Since many of the people that her mother will be inviting are Mormon and therefore used to this procedure. I say go for it. Just be sure they all understand why they aren't invited to the actual wedding. </div>
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_wedding-guest-list-smaller-pre-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:22447de8-577b-4bda-a0bf-e38868001e59Post:5be3b0e3-301d-4eb5-bb70-8f117661628f">Re: Wedding guest list smaller than pre-parties? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding guest list smaller than pre-parties? Help! : Actually, OP said it was typical in the Mormon community to invite people to pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the ceremony. Since many of the people that her mother will be inviting are Mormon and therefore used to this procedure. I say go for it. Just be sure they all understand why they aren't invited to the actual wedding. 
    Posted by AshnRobo[/QUOTE]

    The op is not having a Mormon temple ceremony. She is getting married at the beach and could invite as many guests as she wishes or can afford to that. This has nothing to do with religious restrictions.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    I say make it a post-wedding party (aka second reception) instead of a pre-wedding party (aka engagement/shower party) and then you don't have to worry about etiquette. What does it matter if the party is before or after the wedding, they're celebrating the same marriage
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