Pre-wedding Parties

Did I do the right thing? E-party invites... kinda long.

We are having an e-party in my Mom's back yard. Invites were sent out to close family and friends. We kept it to just those people. I did not even invite family (eg: cousins, aunts and uncles) that I do not speak to on a regular basis in order to keep it small. Significant others were invited IF we knew them, if they were married to our friend (in all cases we were also friends with the spouse) or lived with their s/o. Envelopes were addressed accordingly. 2 friends who do not live with their s/o got invites with only their name on them and RSVP'd for 2. I contacted them and told them that while I wished we had the space and money to have everyone we just couldn't but would love it if they could still come. Neither girl had any problem.

Enter girl #3. Seeing s/o for 1 year, lives far away (as do FI and I), we have never met him. She has already demanded to be in my wedding party. For which I have not given any sort of response either way. She introduced me to FI. She RSVP'd for both of them. I told her what I told all the others. She FLIPPED!! Wanting to know where I got off. Taking his only full weekend off (like I knew) and taking her away from him. How dare I not invite him etc. Again we explained why... calmly. (I had FI write the email because I was upset and did not want to say anything I would regret later). She continued to push and push and push to try to make us feel guilty.

Strangely I don't. I'm upset that a friend would not respect our wishes. If she did not like the situation I would understand if she just said "I'm sorry, we can not come." But why try to make me feel guilty?  I don't want to give in because that is not fair to the other girls.

Am I being a bridezilla??? or is she just a pushy friend???

Thanks for listening... I think I needed the vent more than anything.

Cat
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Did I do the right thing? E-party invites... kinda long.

  • lizstill13lizstill13 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I can see her point if they have been together for 1 year, they probably feel like a real serious couple, even if they don't live together. And I can also see if she has to travel far to get there. I don't see why you can't include her BF unless it's really not in your budget. From the way she flipped out it sounds like you might be losing a friend over this. If that's okay with you, stand your ground.
    image
  • edited December 2011

    she does not live too far... about 45 min... he lives about 2.5 hours away.  It does kill the budget if I do it for her, then have to do it for other people too. Because I would because it is only fair. I am honestly about ready to walk away... just because I am afraid that this is how it is beginning. And it will only grow from here. It has happened before, I stood by her when she did this to other friends and they walked away. (Im still friends with both sides). They are not serious. If they WERE serious, I am sure I would have met him before now.

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  • lizstill13lizstill13 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you really can't fit him in your budget and you're worried about bending the rules for 1 person then don't. Put your foot down and just let her know that you've only budgeted for a certain amount of people and you just can't fit him in. Tell her how sorry you are that he's not invited, but you'd still love for her to attend. Hopefully she'll realize she's being ridiculous or she'll choose to attend sans BF.
    image
  • frenchy730frenchy730 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Are you good friends with this girl?

    I know it seems unfair to allow her to bring her boyfriend and not others, but I do think you have to examine each situation individually.  Is it worth losing an important friend because she feels she can't attend a party without her bf?  She may be in the wrong, but you can decide whether or not to overlook that and just let it go. Plus, no one else will know that you changed your mind for her bf and not their s/o.  None of their buisness who you invite anyway. I'd carefully weigh the cost of saying "no" vs. "yes" and then make a decision. 
  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    There are people who believe that any SO must be invited once they are in an exclusive relationship.  Perhaps she is one of those people.  That doesn't justify her flipping out on you, and she should have just respectfully declined, but I can see where she might be annoyed that you seem to be judging the seriousness of her relationship.  (And no, whether you've met him really has nothing to do with whether they are serious or not.)  She might also be worried that you aren't planning on inviting him to the wedding either.
    Married 10/2/10
  • ecuchikaecuchika member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is a very sensitive situation!  Maybe you could try to talk to her and see why she is so upset.  There may be something that you aren't seeing. 
    I am by no means saying she is right...she is totally wrong by the fact that she had self invited him.  Sometimes we have to be the bigger person.
    I don't know how I would feel in this sit. myself b/c I would want to have a heart to heart with my friend. 

    I would tell her I don't want to hurt our friendship.  Its not for the entire weekend just a few hours one night. The times you stated can easily be done in 1 day with plenty of time left over to enjoy oneself.  See why she is so demanding.  If you honestly DON'T have the money then let her know that times are tight and you can't afford to feed another mouth.  Best of luck. 

    If she is one of those unreasonable people I would keep my guard up during the wedding planning. 
  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't believe in inviting one half of a long-term couple but not the other to an obviously mixed gender party/celebration, even for in-town couples.  I think it's rude.  Combine that with this girl who lives a distance apart and weekends ARE their time together.  I can definitely see her point of wanting to be able to combine celebrating your engagement, spending a weekend with her boyfriend, AND finally getting to introduce her friend to her boyfriend of a YEAR.  It's not like they started dating last week and she flipped out over the slight.  YOU not having met him has no bearing on how serious they are, or are not.  Timing may have just never worked out for her to bring him (if he's hours away), and this time it does.


    I don't agree with her "demanding" to be in your wedding party, or adding him on the rsvp without his name on the invitation, but I think you're alienating friends by not including long-term significant others.  It also looks as if you are 'ranking' friends' relationships by saying "Well, if you are married and/or live together, THEN I consider it serious."  Would you be ok with your friends not counting your fiance as "serious" yet, and not including him to couple appropriate celebrations, because you're not married and/or live together?  I also don't see how a backyard party can have its entire budget busted by adding even three additional people.  Just my take on it.
    10-10-10
  • edited December 2011
    ahhhhhh I just wrote a lengthy email about what has since transpired, my computer glitched and I lost it!! Drat.

    So Long story short.

    Money, space, and stuff like that are part of the reason we did not invite people we do not know, without getting into the personal stuff when we had to explain to people if they asked. It had nothing to do with whether or not people were serious. The people who were married or lived together we KNEW... we hang out with them. Another reason we do not want people we do not know at parties thrown for us. I was in a very very bad divorce. My friends saw me through this. I trust no one, until I really know them. You never know who knows who and what innocent comment can come back to bite you. It happened. There was stalking, restraining orders and all around horrible things. Nothing anyone did on purpose, by my ex got to people without them knowing who he was. So pretty much everyone around us knows what happened and is very careful. Because they saw what I went through. She saw first hand.  It has nothing to do with the seriousness of a relationship and she knows it. FI even told her this last night. And she continued to tell us how we are wrong.

    For her part... well... she has continued to attack me.. even though I have continued to not respond. I made my point. I tried to explain. FI tried to explain and she still thinks we are wrong. In her words , we would be nothing without her. Because she introduced us. So we should just do it her way.

    I just don't need to deal with that. I'm sorry. She is also trashing me all over facebook this morning. When I told a few people it was because I did not invite her BF... they responded with (why would you? she has a bf?, and well are you surprised she acted like this?) I dunno. I feel bad I have lost a friend... but would a real friend act like this over something so small??? and why not just decline??? and is this just the beginning??? Is this how I want to remember my wedding planning???

    Cat
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It had nothing to do with whether or not people were serious. The people who were married or lived together we KNEW... we hang out with them.

    Well this was wrong of you.  It is poor etiquette to split up social units.  Whether a couple is a social unit is sometimes a matter of interpretation, but it has nothing to do with whether YOU know the other half.  Clearly your friend feels that she and her BF are a social unit and felt slighted by the lack of invite.  You seem to be saying that even if a couple were married or lived together, if you didn't know the other person you wouldn't invite him.  That would be very rude.
    Married 10/2/10
  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure you trashing her on this board is any better than her trashing you on FB...

    As for the other issue - the past is the past.  We've all had odd and yes, even police involved, situations with crazy people.  You don't live your life, and your new marriage preparations, in fear.  You might as well send everyone who harassed you an engraved "you win" card.

    If you don't trust your friend, the one who introduced the two of you, then just say it that way.  You don't trust her to bring her boyfriend who may somehow have been corrupted by your ex?  I have to tell you, though, that's not going to help things any.
    10-10-10
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_did-right-thing-e-party-invites-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2e1b1556-300f-478c-be6b-7604494b62c6Post:3be950f5-3c4f-45a8-a750-a5a6e94d6ba0">Re: Did I do the right thing? E-party invites... kinda long.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not sure you trashing her on this board is any better than her trashing you on FB...
    Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

    Point taken... but do any of you know her name? who she is? she is trashing me by name on facebook to "our friends" that is way different.

    Cat
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_did-right-thing-e-party-invites-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2e1b1556-300f-478c-be6b-7604494b62c6Post:69910cfe-feb8-4749-bc62-67e58a7479bf">Re: Did I do the right thing? E-party invites... kinda long.</a>:
    [QUOTE]It had nothing to do with whether or not people were serious. The people who were married or lived together we KNEW... we hang out with them. Well this was wrong of you.  It is poor etiquette to split up social units.  Whether a couple is a social unit is sometimes a matter of interpretation, but it has nothing to do with whether YOU know the other half.  Clearly your friend feels that she and her BF are a social unit and felt slighted by the lack of invite.  You seem to be saying that even if a couple were married or lived together, if you didn't know the other person you wouldn't invite him.  That would be very rude.
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]


    This I understand. Ill cop. I participated in poor etiquette. I explained my reasoning for doing what I did. I did not do it just to be mean. And I told her that. I even told her I felt bad but we were sticking to our guns. If he is such a BIG part of her life how come no one has ever met him? Christmas parties? Birthday parties? House warmings (ie: HER house warming on HIS night off and he never showed!)Some of which were right next to his house!! There were so many opportunities for them as a social unit to come out and be introduced. Why does it HAVE to be out Engagement party when I said no. She is famous for trying to overshadow the person/people of honor. Normally I don't care. She has done it to me before. I let her do it... cause that is her. Not this time... among so many other reasons. Ill take the rap... I did the wrong thing. I do feel bad... But you know what... When I explained the situation everyone else... they were ok and are still attending. She is the only one who flipped and continued to do so... so Ill be the person in the wrong, Ill take all the lashings she is giving me online and I will take anything I deserve on here. Trust me I do feel awful. But I am always the one who backs down. Now I am growing a backbone... and it isn't going to be easy. Im learning that.
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I have friends who have SOs that I have never met.  It just happens when you live far away from each other and lead busy lives.  I've gone more than a year before meeting the SOs of very good friends.

    Regardless of why you didn't invite him, it was wrong of you-which it seems like you know.  But, instead of doing the right thing and including him you are continuing to make the mistake.  Why?  While her flipping out wasn't justified either IMO one year is a serious relationship regardless of their living situation and you should've invited him.

    It doesn't matter if he hasn't made the effort to meet you or show up for holidays or whatever.  He is an important part of your friend's life and you should've respected that.  I don't think continuing to stick to your guns in this situation is the best idea.
  • katmstrangekatmstrange member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    it seems like you're playing the victim here and making a bigger deal out of it than needed.

    it's rude to not invite her bf and you know it, or else you wouldn't have posted this in the first place.

    if this is just the e-party, wait til you have to make a guest list for the wedding!
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    image 132 Invited so far! image 110 Are ready to party!
    image 12 Will be missing out
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