Pre-wedding Parties

If I'm crazy or stupid let me know...go for it

So this is a long story BUT oh well.....
Soon before I started dating my fiance (fine he stole me from my ex) I was in an abusive relationship.  It was emotional abuse not physical (emotional TO THE MAX).  I developed an anxiety disorder from being with him and basically went NUTS.  I had panic attacks all the time (this guy was bad news all around) and was too scared to even leave my bedroom (yeah that bad).  I didn't wanna leave him because I had no where to go honestly.  This was not a happy time in my life...it was sad.  My ex deeed me a nut bag and that notion has stuck with him since then.  He ruined my life and put me deep into debt.
Anyways...I am now in a GREAT relationship with my BEST FRIEND who I get to marry!!!! We are BEYOND happy...no more panic attacks...no more sadness...just joy pure joy.  Can't explain it and am so GRATEFUL to be here...and surprised!
So here's the deal...I wanna show him (the ex) that well I'm not crazy (that he made me nuts..his fault)...and almost rub it in his face that I'm doing FANTASTIC AND none of it has to do with him...woo hoooo!
So I wanna have my bach party somewhere where I know he will be (plus the place will be FUN! will see lots of people I know too!) just to rub it in and such....
and I'm crazy? Seriously
I'm over him...i would not marry someone if I was still hung up on him...that is for sure
so yeah....

Re: If I'm crazy or stupid let me know...go for it

  • lvernon4lvernon4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't do it.  You have moved on and are in a good place, even though you think it will be rubbing it in his face, I have a feeling that it could go wrong.  This guy once had the strong ability to control your emotions, and even though you are beyond that, he may still have the ability to be manipulate you, make you feel bad, try to mess up your wedding, whatever.  I wouldn't risk being around such a person who at one time had the ability to make you feel so bad right before your wedding.  You don't need to prove it to him or rub it in his face, especially not when you are out drinking and being crazy with your girlfriends.  Honestly it just sounds like a bad idea to me. But of course it's your decision. 
  • edited December 2011

    thanks oh forgot to mention
    my MOH dated this guy's cousin who was also abusive (worse i think)...and she has also went on to havea wonderful life....he will also be there...kinda like a LOOK AT US NOW...WE CONQUERED YOU TWO!
    we saved each other me and my MOH :)

  • katiebean1katiebean1 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That sounds like a terrible idea....I woulld stay far far away from him.  
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Okay, you asked, so I'm going to tell you the truth. That's a crazy idea. If you are happy with your fi, why would you even care what this other abusive man thinks? He is in the past and you should be very proud of yourself for getting out of that wreck.

    I know revenge sounds sweet, but trust me, the guy already knows that you are happy and in a wonderful relationship. You don't need to prove anything to him.

    Best wishes.
                       
  • niecie_jeffniecie_jeff member
    500 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I agree w/PP. I would stay far away from him. He once had that strong of a hold over you and to be around him right before you get married while drinking...not good. I have seen to many of my friends think this same thing, saw the ex, was drinking and made fools of themselves and ended up feeling like crap afterwords. I would say go out w/your friends but stay away from places these guys will be. Neither you or your MOH need to be around those guys. And trust me, guys like that will keep tabs on you, so he knows you are happy and have moved on.

    Best wishes and have fun!
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  • kristenrmu22kristenrmu22 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Don't look back, it's not worth it. Yea it would be awful to make someone that made you so miserable, miserable. But honestly if you are truely happy then you shouldn't have to go he he heee he heee in his face. It just might blow up in your face like others have said. Be happy ith your friends...just acknowledging this guy will make him feel that he does have control over you still... you don't want that.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In the end, revenge is never as sweet as you think it's going to be.  

    Let this go,  have your b-party somewhere where he won't be, and enjoy both your prewedding parties and your wedding.  GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I also don't understand why you would care about what he thinks.  Personally, if it was me, I would want to stay as far away as possible from him so trying to purposely run into him on your bachelorette party seems really ridiculous to me.

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    "You can't make a half sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich." - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I feel like flaunting it just makes him feel like you still care.  You have your prince - why would you worry about anyone before that?  
  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Having been in an emotionally abusive marriage prior to being with my FI, my advice is DON'T DO IT! My ex works at a restaurant, and as long as he works there, I will not go. I won't give him the chance to try and get back at me for my "shenanigans" (that's what he calls me leaving him) and I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I would even give a shiiit about what he thinks. Your B-party is supposed to be about going out and having a good time...going somewhere where your ex will likely be has the potential to turn your fun night into a nightmare. Trust me, you won't regret it. You got yourself out of a bad situation...it's up to you to stay there :) GL!
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    To answer your question: yes, you are being crazy and stupid if you really deliberately plan your bach party so you can run into your ex and rub it in how awesome your life is without him. That's something people do when they are either in high school or are totally not over the person they're trying to do it to.

    If you're really "over him" why do you need to stoop to doing something like this?  I have to wonder if you're still "hung up on him" to some degree, despite what your posts says. If you truly were over him (And truly "so happy" with your current life) you really wouldn't need to go put on some big show to try making him jealous or validate you on some level. Which is exactly what you're hoping to accomplish from this, even though you haven't quite said so.

    Somebody that's actually "in a good place" wouldn't be looking to throw her happiness in her ex's face-no matter how miserable he made her.

    And before you go trying to say I don't know what I'm talking about, because your relationship with him was so bad, honey, I do. I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused for 3 years by my ex before I finally got up the guts to leave him. And being with him completely exacerbated my anxiety disorder. Post-break up I was also afraid to leave my bedroom for anything. I wound up having to quit my job and drop out of college because I couldn't function. At an exceptionally low point, I actually had to give myself hour long pep talks just to get myself out of my bed to do simple things like go to the bathroom and take showers. So yeah, I know a thing or two about getting f*cked up by an ex.

    Eventually, I did get myself put back together. I wound up getting involved with my husband (Who happened to be my ex's ex best friend-if that's not hitting the "petty revenge jackpot" I don't know what is). Once I was "healthy" again, I never had the desire to seek out my ex and show him what he lost or flaunt the awesome relationship I had with his former BFF. Why? Because I really did not give a duck's butt about him or his opinions. For all I know he thinks I still sit at home and cry everyday over him ... maybe he knows that I got married (And to whom) and thinks I did it just to "get even" with him for the hell he put me through ... maybe he still pines for the days when I was so in love with him and he knows no woman could ever measure up to how amazing I am. I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I've moved on from him. You should do the same.


    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_im-crazy-stupid-let-knowgo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:3dae1125-19f0-4366-932c-6ea097ddd985Post:bee1c27e-e0f9-4889-bc76-cd1e9c705de3">If I'm crazy or stupid let me know...go for it</a>:
    [QUOTE]So this is a long story BUT oh well..... Soon before I started dating my fiance (fine he stole me from my ex) I was in an abusive relationship.  It was emotional abuse not physical (emotional TO THE MAX).  I developed an anxiety disorder from being with him and basically went NUTS.  I had panic attacks all the time (this guy was bad news all around) and was too scared to even leave my bedroom (yeah that bad).  I didn't wanna leave him because I had no where to go honestly.  This was not a happy time in my life...it was sad.  My ex deeed me a nut bag and that notion has stuck with him since then.  He ruined my life and put me deep into debt. Anyways...I am now in a GREAT relationship with my BEST FRIEND who I get to marry!!!! We are BEYOND happy...no more panic attacks...no more sadness...just joy pure joy.  Can't explain it and am so GRATEFUL to be here...and surprised! So here's the deal...I wanna show him (the ex) that well I'm not crazy (that he made me nuts..his fault)...and almost rub it in his face that I'm doing FANTASTIC AND none of it has to do with him...woo hoooo! So I wanna have my bach party somewhere where I know he will be (plus the place will be FUN! will see lots of people I know too!) just to rub it in and such.... and I'm crazy? Seriously I'm over him...i would not marry someone if I was still hung up on him...that is for sure so yeah....
    Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

    JIC

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • edited December 2011

    the venue for the party is not JUST about him...its also within walking distance to a friends home where we can all crash...and the booze is cheap and there will be a great band there...the whole ex thing is a fantasy really...revenge sums it up...we all wonder what it would be like to get back at someone who messed stuff up

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    IOP, I'm curious about your sn.  Why Secret Bride?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    cuz we were going to not tell people for a while that we were engaged...lots of our friends are getting married...didn't wanna steal anyones thunder
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_im-crazy-stupid-let-knowgo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:3dae1125-19f0-4366-932c-6ea097ddd985Post:3b80cdd9-9d50-497e-949d-330e7f7c1c89">Re: If I'm crazy or stupid let me know...go for it</a>:
    [QUOTE]the venue for the party is not JUST about him...its also within walking distance to a friends home where we can all crash...and the booze is cheap and there will be a great band there...the whole ex thing is a fantasy really...revenge sums it up...<strong>we all wonder what it would be like to get back at someone who messed stuff up</strong>
    Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

    Maybe I'm in the minority, but I really <strong>don't</strong> think about getting back at my ex, nor have I thought about it since I actually got myself to a healthy place, even though he really messed up my life once upon a time. I've truly moved on, and just don't care enough for him to show up on my radar. I'm happy with my life, the people I love are happy with their lives, and that's all that matters to me. I don't dwell on the feelings of people I don't care for, because it's just a waste of my energy.

    And if this really<strong> </strong>"just a fantasy" and not actually about pathetically trying to get back at him, then why is your whole OP about how he made your life hell and now you want to run into him to show him how awesome your life is without him?

    I'm not trying to attack you here, but this whole situation just seems off to me.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • edited December 2011
    You are being crazy and immature. I agree with Ramona.
  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You are crazy.

    If you are so happy with your fiance you should be over that nonsense enough to not care about whether your ex sees your happiness or not.

  • edited December 2011
    That is both crazy and stupid.
  • bekah8605bekah8605 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That is absolutely ridiculous. You are clearly still too insecure with yourself and want him in your life still. You are not fully over him and that has to happen before you get married. If you actually care about rubbing it in, then you still have feelings for him. Maybe you really are happy right now, but you've got some issues you still need to work out in forgiving your past and moving on. He made you into who you are today and you should, in a sense, be grateful for him. Move on and live your happy life. Dont look back cuz that means you doubt. You should honestly analyze if you are ready to be married or not if you're still dwelling on your ex this much.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry this abuse happened to you but this is quite possibly one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. Don't you see that by you seeking out where he would be, he is still winning and still in charge of you? You are taking YOUR special night and YOUR event and making it about HIM. 

    I think you should talk to a professional about your past relationship so that your emotional issues will not find their way into your current relationship. Feelings and abuse just don't go away.
  • 1stmateburd1stmateburd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it sounds 1. Very dumb, 2. like your immature, and 3. like your not over your ex. The only reason you would want him to see you "so he can see what he doesn't have" seems like you want him to see you and want you back which means your not over your ex. How long have you and your FI been together? and whats your age?
  • edited December 2011

    This has to be one of the most immature posts I have ever read. You are ridiculus. Are you sure your ready to get married? What exactly does your FI think of your “Brilliant” Idea?

     

    Grow Up.

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  • edited December 2011

    You do realize that by going through with this you're admitting that you still think about him. That he's even worth a thought in your head is a sure sign that he's winning.


    Shouldn't your BP be about YOU not HIM?


    Don't give him that power.

  • lindseyann410lindseyann410 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ramona-

    Wow...I'm hoping that guy wasn't one of 7 evil exes!
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  • edited December 2011
    Yes to both.  Don't do it.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • JilldeVilleJilldeVille member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would definitely say Don't Do It.  If you are happy and have moved on, keep looking forward and not back.  I agree with the other posts, that when deep emotions were involved good or extremely bad with someone in your past, why would you want to be anywhere NEAR that person?  My ex gave me really bad anxiety too, and I am happier than I have ever been...  and the LAST thing I want it to be contacted by him, or be in his presence.  Gives me anxiety thinking about it.  I say don't do it.  How does your fiance feel about this?  I don't think he'd probably like the idea. 
    "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you usually want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Billy Crystal, When Harry Met Sally
  • edited December 2011
    I just want to say that what happened to you in that happened to me exactly. I was in an emotional abusive relationship and developed a panic disorder because of him. He was horrible and ruined my life. However, after a couple of rebound guys (lol), I stopped thinking about him, I went to see a therapist, and his control over me lifted after 2 years of emotional torture. For the longest time I wouldn't leave my house and he manipulated me everytime I tried to get away from him. If this sounds like you and you are trying to see him again just to prove something... you are putting yourself in a situation that you may not be able to get yourself out of and it may ruin your life again.

    Trust me, don't even think about.

    Another thing I have to bring up is: why are you still thinking about this guy? You have an amazing FI who is probably twice the guy that broke your soul...And you're gunna throw that away just to get back at that guy? Stop thinking about him and get over it.
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