being invited to prewedding parties but NOT the wedding - rude or not?

defstar82

I thought this was common wedding ettiquette knowledge, but apparently its not. Within the last year and a half, I have been invited to THREE different bridal showers/bachelorette parties, even though I'm not invited to the wedding! I think this is BEYOND rude. "hey buy me presents and spend money to come party with me but you aren't important enough to invite to the wedding!".

the first girl invited me to her bridal shower and bachelorette. I had to work on her bridal shower, which she kept bugging me to TAKE THE DAY OFF on or CALL IN SICK! then her MoH kept harassing me to see if I was coming to the bachelorette, then she wanted me to chip in on renting a limo to go down to the club, saying the limo was $35 each. At this point I was feeling so much peer pressure I agreed. THEN she changed the price of the limo saying "it ended up being $65 each" (plus dinner and a two drink minimum to the club) and I got PISSED and told her I couldn't come. I had another friend who also wasn't invited to the wedding (which was out of town) and she ended up going and said she felt awkward the whole time because everyone was discussing their travel arrangements and saying how excited they were.

The second girl invited me to her bachelorette only, but it was a day I had to work.

Most recently, last week I get an email from this girl's MoH saying I was invited to a coworkers bachelorette party. At this point I was beyond irritated at all these faux pas, I had kept quiet the first couple of times, so I emailed her back and said "hey thanks for the invite but I'm not invited to the wedding" - short and sweet. Not to mention I'm barely even WORK ACQUAINTANCES with this girl. Well the bride somehow interpreted that into "I AM VERY UPSET AND MY FEELINGS ARE EXTREMELY HURT AND I'M MAD AT/HATE YOU".

She called me (don't even know how she got my #) and left a really long rambling message saying "wow i'm so sorry your feelings were sooo hurt and i'm sorry that i upset you, look I didn't think you were even interested in coming to my wedding but I thought you were down to party with me so i'll tell you what i'll have an invitation all wrapped up with a bow for you in your box at work by next week, so make sure to check it." - it was very passive aggressive. THEN she said "anyway I thought you were ADDING your name to Sheri's invite [one of my friends who mentioned ONCE she might take me as her date if her husband couldn't go]" making ME sound like the rude one!

the whole thing has me more irritated than it should, now my two best friends are also invited to the bachelorette BUT they were also invited to the wedding from the get go, they are harassing me and pressuring me nonstop to go with them so all three of us can have a blast together, but I have absolutely zero interest in going. Maybe its the principle or whatever, but I'm so over this whole situation and everyone's making ME feel like I'M being the ridiculous one. Am I completely wrong for feeling this way??

hlq2011

Yes, it's rude.  I know that workplace showers are the standard exception to the rule that all invitees to pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding, but I've never heard of a coworker bachelorette party.  If none of the coworkers were invited and just wanted to get together and do something, okay then, I'd probably be okay with that.

But beyond that, no way.  And all the rest... out of line.

aperezcosio

I'm not sure if there's a happy medium.

In my case; I'm getting married in about a month, and I'm having a destination wedding, so I didn't invite too many people, and lots of those invited can't make it. Since I'm not having any other celebration in town, there are a few girls invited to my bachelorette that aren't invited to my wedding.

I haven't heard from anyone being offended, and by no means was I trying to be rude. Granted, these aren't coworkers, they are friends, and I asked for a simple party- whoever can't go, no hard feelings.

I would like to hear other people's thoughts, though!

hlq2011

If you're having a destination wedding, wedding-related parties should still just be for those who are invited - whether they can come to the DW or not.  By choosing to have a small wedding, you forfeit large parties and such.

jerseydevil

That is totally rude! I would never expect that of people.

defstar82

thanks everyone for your input

and maybe I wasn't clear enough, for the most recent invite, its not a COWORKERS only bachelorette party, she is just my coworker and some other coworkers are invited as well as whoever else she has invited. Also its not technically a destination wedding, we live in Los Angeles and the wedding is in San Diego, about 2 hours away. and for the first situation, her wedding was at Catalina Island, which is off the coast of L.A. but you need to take a ferry to the island so it included travel arrangements and hotels. Not technically a destination wedding though.

and @aperezcosio, personally I would've been a bit offended as I think that part of the sacrifices of having a destination wedding is not being able to invite a ton of people to the wedding, and in turn the shower and the bachelorette. Also, no one would complain to you if their feelings were hurt - the only way the bride found out in this current case is because one of her bridesmaids has a big mouth! lol. I wouldn't complain directly to a bride because I know what its like and she doesn't need anything else to worry about. I felt it should be taken care of through the MoH.

SuMmErKuTiE

My views are with etiquette that it's very rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding party but not to the actual wedding. Because it shows that you want the gifts without having to pay extra to have them at the wedding which is what the pre-wedding parties are celebrating.

I understand some people have destination weddings, but leave it up to the guests if they're willing to travel to the destination wedding. Invite anyone you would want to share your day with and if those people decline the wedding invite they may still be willing to come to the bridal shower and/or b-parties since they're usually local.

defstar82

@summerkutie completely agree 100% on your view, especially on destination weddings.


ps: off topic I just got back from a trip to Orlando to visit Wizarding World of HP and it was amazing!! and FREEEEEZING COLD! i was surprised, thought it'd be warmer than SoCal down there!

vllbabe688

I agree that it's pretty rude.  My FI is inviting a "friend" to his bach party that we've both agreed should not be invited to the wedding because when he gets drunk he is beligerant, sometimes angry or violent, and always completely out of control.  (And because he doesn't like me so I set him off I guess lol)  But, FI still insisted he wants him at the bach party.  IMO he should've left him out but he really wanted to include him anyways...not my party I guess so I just it go :P

glam70s

My FMIL is throwing me a shower that I asked her not to throw, but she completely ignored me and I decided having a fit and refusing to attend is not how I want to join my new family. So I accepted, gave her a copy of the wedding guest list, and she sent out invitations. I just found out that she has invited FI's cousins and a few other people who are not invited to the wedding, which I'm rather upset about.

Is it possible that any of these people did not know that you were invited to these pre-wedding parties? It sounds like the brides were all involved in the planning, but just in case....

defstar82

nope, they all knew I was invited i wish we could give them the benefit of the doubt but they all definitely knew.


and I bet guys don't really care or realize its rude, haha.

Kristin789

Hella rude.
Totally agree with this:

>>If you're having a destination wedding, wedding-related parties should still just be for those who are invited - whether they can come to the DW or not.  By choosing to have a small wedding, you forfeit large parties and such.

Moeranda

I completely agree, i have no idea why she would believe that it was okay to not invite you.

@defstar concerning your unrelated note.. i am sorry that it was cold. I went in july during infinitus and had an amazing time! Thankfully I got to go after hours and miss all the crazyness for the most part during the day. I totally wish i could get married there. lol

adiandbrian

i was invited to a bridal shower and bachelorett party for a friend that i wasnt even that close to about three months ago and felt weired bc we werent even that close or hungout outside of large group gatherings, but i went with a friend that felt the same way that had been invited. well, i wasnt invited to the wedding and thought that was rude when i found out. now its my turn.......and i dont know if i should ivite her to the wedding since she didnt invite me. should i invite her to my shower since she invited me to hers.

defstar82

@moeranda ooo lucky! sounds awesome!

and @adiandbrian: DEFINITELY not. invites should have nothing to do with "she invited me so i'm inviting her" - my wedding was really small and I didn't invite a ton of coworkers and various acquaintances over the years who had invited me to their weddings way back when. Only invite those who are important to you.

defstar82

oh, also the MoH for the current situation came up to me at work yesterday and said she had no idea it was considered rude for her to invite me to the bachelorette if she wasn't invited to the wedding. she didn't see why it was considered rude and had thought I was being ridiculous. she was like "if someone invited me to party with them i'd be like 'awesome you want me to party with you and celebrate getting married'".

laurebkraft

Totally rude of them. A simple "I'm actually busy that day/night" should suffice. If they keep bugging you just stick to your guns and say you WISH you could be there but you just CAN'T make it.

To the girl who was thinking of inviting the friend--invite her if you like her! I invited all the people I wanted there, and didn't invite a lot of people whose weddings I attended. It's your party, not a state affair.

Starfish3333

What about in the case where we are having a small wedding in one city and a large post-wedding reception (hosted by my parents)? The latter is basically a wedding (costs as much), but is more convenient for those who cannot leave town. 

Is it rude to invite the post-wedding reception-only people to the bridal shower?  My mom and I have debated this (she says no; I question it)

aperezcosio

For whatever is worth, 70% of the people invited to my bachelorette is invited to the wedding. Whether they come or not to the wedding is not the issue. The people I didn't invite were people I knew would never be able to make it, because they have kids, or can't afford it.. I didn't invite them because I didn't want them to think it was a cash grab and was expecting gifts anyway.

Also, I made it very clear it wasn't expected to bring gifts to the party- I actually made sure the girl who's organizing to make that point very clear.

It's not about gifts, it's about getting together with some of my friends. I have no intention of getting anything from my friends except for a good time.