HELP!! Budgeting with Mother in Law for Rehearsal Dinner

johnsondonahue

I'm the matron of honor in my best friend's wedding so naturally she gets to vent with me about all her wedding woes. Being recently married I've been able to help alot up until this point...

She has picked out a beautiful private spot for her wedding weekend, but it is a little pricey. She has dreamed of having her wedding here all her life so her parents had expected and budgeted for it. This spot also has a club she's always wanted her formal rehearsal dinner at. However, it is also a little pricey. She was concerned that her future mother-in-law (a single mom) wouldn't be able to afford it. But after meeting with the planner the mother-in-law seemed thrilled with the pricing.

About a week ago her and her future MIL went out to lunch and the MIL had a folder full of other ideas besides her choice location and theme. Apparently the original place WAS a little out of her budget, but now she is planning to hold it at a place just short of a community center and is now asking her things like "do you really want/need a microphone for speeches? Do you really need a slideshow?"
It's completely tearing my bride up because it's completely opposite of what she really wants. She tried to offer to pay for the original location and help out in anyway, but the mom refuses her help. She can't even talk to her fiance about it because he defends his mom. His mom is trying but is having a hard time really understanding the bride.

What is the proper way to ensure everyone is happy and no one gets offended??!?! The wedding isn't for another 10 months, but locations go fast and she wants to nail down a place soon!

banana468

Your friend needs to lower her expectations...and fast.

Her future mother in law doesn't want to be insulted by asking for a handout from her son and FDIL or from the parents of the bride.  Instead, she's trying to do what she can to please the bride in a way that the mom can financially do.

Bride needs to understand that her vision is great but she isn't always going to get what she wants.  That's a great life lesson for her in general.   In the meantime, the dinner will be fine.

kmmssg

The RD is hosted by someone and is a gift to the couple.  It is not the dream vision a young lady has had all her life.

Her FI is absolutely correct to defend his mother as she is hosting this and she calls the shots.  The couple make sure everyone who should be on the guest list etiquette-wise and they step back.

Her expectations are way to high.  She has been dreaming of a high dollar affair and she is going to insult her FMIL if she doesn't back away.  The RD is a couple of hours but that marriage is for life.  She needs to focus on what her relationship with her FMIL will be after the wedding.  Insulting FMIL is going to lead to hurt feelings that last a long time.

MairePoppy

ditto Banana!

The FMIL is hosting the RD so she has complete control over the budget, location, number of guests. Your friend should graciously accept her offer and let the FMIL do the planning.

A microphone and slide show are not necessary. The bride could ask the FMIL if she would mind if she (the bride) provided those items for the RD. But it's FMIL's decision.

jgropp112

I disagree. If she decides to go ahead with her MIL and miss out on what shes always wanted she may look back and really regret it, and hold it against her MIL and fiance. My MIL isn't made of money either, and though its alittle dishonest, we've picked a place and told her its reasonably priced so shes paying for what she can, and we're paying the difference. She doesn't know anything and feels like shes doing her part. Everyone's happy.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_budgeting-mother-law-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5432e160-3d69-4cb3-af9a-70ddfa8e2a4dPost:bd821619-3d73-41f0-a450-a67f27d11c9b">Re: HELP!! Budgeting with Mother in Law for Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree. If she decides to go ahead with her MIL and miss out on what shes always wanted she may look back and really regret it, and hold it against her MIL and fiance. My MIL isn't made of money either, and though its alittle dishonest, we've picked a place and told her its reasonably priced so shes paying for what she can, and we're paying the difference. She doesn't know anything and feels like shes doing her part. Everyone's happy.
Posted by jgropp112[/QUOTE]

That's YOUR agreement with  your FMIL.

If you're going to resent someone over their generous hosting of a rehearsal dinner because it wasn't at the tier you wanted, you are acting quite selfishly.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_budgeting-mother-law-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5432e160-3d69-4cb3-af9a-70ddfa8e2a4dPost:c4c224d9-cdb8-438b-b42f-af768baf1ab6">Re: HELP!! Budgeting with Mother in Law for Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]No sh*t its MY agreement. It was merely me stating what we're doing...I don't understand why feeling that way is selfish either.<strong> The grooms family is expected to pay for that so I don't see how its generous,</strong> and if you invision something grand and its at some cheap place its normal to feel bad about it. Its her wedding, and I think its alittle rude for the MIL not to accept alittle help, and just expect her to change her whole vision.
Posted by jgropp112[/QUOTE]

Whoa.  The groom's family MAY offer to host the RD.  It isn't an expectation, it is somewhat traditional, but it isn't mandated.  Couples are responsible for their weddings unless the parents step up and offer.  It is incredibly generous for parents to offer help with a wedding.  You seem to have a very entitled attitude if you think these are expectations and not generous.

Allycat11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_budgeting-mother-law-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5432e160-3d69-4cb3-af9a-70ddfa8e2a4dPost:c4c224d9-cdb8-438b-b42f-af768baf1ab6">Re: HELP!! Budgeting with Mother in Law for Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]No sh*t its MY agreement. It was merely me stating what we're doing...I don't understand why feeling that way is selfish either. The grooms family is expected to pay for that so I don't see how its generous, and if you invision something grand and its at some cheap place its normal to feel bad about it. Its her wedding, and I think its alittle rude for the MIL not to accept alittle help, and just expect her to change her whole vision.
Posted by jgropp112[/QUOTE]

Well that's an unneccessary response.

The groom's family is not expected to pay for the RD.  Traditionally that is how it worked, but now it is very common for the couple to host their own RD.  I would never have expected anyone to pay for any part of my wedding.  I am lucky that people have chosen to help wth parts of it, but money comes with strings.

If the MIL is generously offering to host something, she probably feels awful that she can not host what the bride wants.  By accepting the bride's help, it is like she is agreeing that what she was going to do originally is not good enough for the couple.


OP:  I think your friend needs to lower her expectations a bit, especially with her FMIL being a single mom.  IMO she has 2 choices: Graciously accept the offer of FMIL paying for the RD, or pay for it herself.  She just needs to remember that whoever pays for something, has a say in it...just because she is getting married that does not mean she gets everything she wants with other people's money.

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_budgeting-mother-law-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5432e160-3d69-4cb3-af9a-70ddfa8e2a4dPost:307aa974-2b7e-4c73-b05f-da34e5153045">Re: HELP!! Budgeting with Mother in Law for Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Traditional went out the window when brides stopped being married directly from their parents' houses, and most couples didn't pay for their own weddings. Even then....traditional never meant OBLIGATED. The RD is, and always has been, a gift of the in-laws. Since it's their party for the couple, the couple either GRACIOUSLY accepts what is offered, or declines it and pays for it themselves. This bride sounds really spoiled and self-centered.  She told the FMIL how to spend the FMIL's money, and knowing that the FMIL was a single mom on a tight budget, at that. This is an ungrateful slight to the FMIL that she likely won't forget.  I'd strongly advise your friend to let go of her childish "vision" and remember that a<strong> silly dinner is less important than family.</strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Absolutely.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_budgeting-mother-law-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5432e160-3d69-4cb3-af9a-70ddfa8e2a4dPost:c4c224d9-cdb8-438b-b42f-af768baf1ab6">Re: HELP!! Budgeting with Mother in Law for Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]No sh*t its MY agreement. It was merely me stating what we're doing...I don't understand why feeling that way is selfish either. The grooms family is expected to pay for that so I don't see how its generous, and if you invision something grand and its at some cheap place its normal to feel bad about it. Its her wedding, and I think its alittle rude for the MIL not to accept alittle help, and just expect her to change her whole vision.
Posted by jgropp112[/QUOTE]

Holy inappropriate Batman!

As PPs said, the groom's family may traditionally host the RD but that doesn't mean that they're expected to or that they have to.  It's unfortunate that you're not seeing that ANY contribution that anyone makes to the bride or groom is generous.

I think you need to read up on etiquette and what is and isn't appropriate to expect of others.  You are certainly entitled to your opinions but you're completely out of line if you think that they're socially correct.

saric83

OP - I would just kindly remind your friend that she should let go of this one and just focus on planning their wedding and reception for what she thinks it should be.  If that doesn't sink in, she needs a big dose of reality and someone needs to tell her that she should get a grip on what matters. 

She should let the FMIL do this wonderful thing for her son and his future wife in a way that is comfortable for FMIL.  Your friend will still be just as married at the end of the following day and needs to reconsider priorities here.  Some notion that their groom's dinner (again - GROOM's, not bride's dream dinner) needs to be a certain way versus potentially hurting feelings, putting her FI in the middle of things and causing unnecessary drama months and months before the wedding even happens....  Yeah - IMO, it's silly that this is even a concern for her.

[Deleted User]

Your friend has every right to FEEL disappointed and to (privately) be upset. But she does need to be respectful of her FMIL's budget and her desire to host. When you marry someone of a different economic background, various growing pains often ensue. Help her to understand that if she is going to marry a man who has a single mother on a tight budget than she has to be prepared for the differences this brings for the rest of her married life. If she is unpreapred to handle those differneces than another type of conversation may be in order.

whatsthatcat

Ditto vclaire.

I do think it was nerve-racking of the FMIL to agree with the original location when the planner was present and then go back on it later. The bottom line, I think, with the RD is: can we accommodate the most important PEOPLE at the dinner? In the end, it's being with the people we love and cherish that make the memories, not the setting or the ambiance (or the lobster).

RaptorSLH

If the bride's family has the money to "help out" with the event the bride wants, could they use that money on something besides the rehersal dinner?  Let mom and dad treat the girls to a luncheon at the club after they get their nails done the day before.  Or let mom and dad treat bride and groom to an intimate private dinner there the day after.  Then let MIL plan the rehersal dinner she can afford and wants to host.