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Pre-wedding Parties

People RSVPing "No" to my shower

My bridal shower is next weekend and there were 53 women on the guest list but only half are coming.  I realize that it is the summer and a lot of people have trips planned, however some really close people RSVP'd "no."

For example, my aunt and my grandmother are not coming but they live in other states.  One of my friends just had a baby a month ago and doesn't want to leave the baby so soon.  I really got upset when my BF/MOH's sister and mother RSVP'd "no."  I have been friends with her since childhood therefore I am really close to all of them.  I aked my MOH why and she said that they just didn't really want to go and she told them it wasn't a big deal.

I guess my feelings are just hurt.  I always try to go to other's shower/parties unless I have something else really important going on. 

Did anyone else have this problem or feel this way?

Re: People RSVPing "No" to my shower

  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You really shouldn't ask anybody for an explanation for why they (or their family members) are not attending an event.  They don't owe you one and it just makes things awkward.  I don't know who is attending my shower (since I am not involved in the planning), but I won't be upset about anybody not attending.  To me, pre-wedding parties are just not that important.  It's nice that you make an effort to attend them, but some people just don't enjoy them, and you can't expect everybody else to go out of their way to attend just because you do.
    Married 10/2/10
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ditto QQ.  Why are you in the loop on who is coming?  Generally that'st he hostess who keeps track (although if you live with the hostess that makes sense).

    Pre-wedding parties are lovely but they're not the end-all and be-all.  It's fine to be disappointed when people aren't going, but you can't call and ask for reasons behind why they declined.  It's an invitation and not a summons so you'll have to relax.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    An invitation is not a subpoena.  No one has to attend.  It's a party.  It's going to be a nice party.  But seriously sweetie:  get over it.  Not your call why they're not coming.  Not your business why they're not coming. 

    FWIW:  I would not have left my baby at 1 month old to go to a shower.  I would have sent a gift, but attending?  Nope.  People can have any reason they want to skip your shower, because they're not obligated to attend.

    So be a little disappointed if you must.  But please, don't stamp your feet, or say things you might regret to anyone.  Because I promise what you say to anyone WILL get back to people, and then you'll be thought of as a big ole' flaming bridezilla.  And I know you don't want that.


    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_people-rsvping-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:544eb94e-322d-4163-910f-635d3d779a1fPost:0c1d2041-d695-4393-99a4-28f491e5fa17">People RSVPing "No" to my shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]My bridal shower is next weekend and there were 53 women on the guest list but only half are coming.  I realize that it is the summer and a lot of people have trips planned, however some really close people RSVP'd "no." For example, my aunt and my grandmother are not coming but they live in other states.  One of my friends just had a baby a month ago and doesn't want to leave the baby so soon.  I really got upset when my BF/MOH's sister and mother RSVP'd "no."  I have been friends with her since childhood therefore I am really close to all of them.  I aked my MOH why and she said that they just didn't really want to go and she told them it wasn't a big deal. I guess my feelings are just hurt.  I always try to go to other's shower/parties unless I have something else really important going on.  Did anyone else have this problem or feel this way?
    Posted by StephanieWestlake[/QUOTE]

    JIC
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    Stephanie - I hear exactly what you are saying!!  I have 119 adult guests and about 5 children on my shower list.  We have a large family.  Our wedding list is very close to 400 people. 

    The RSVP for the shower is Thursday, July 15th.  My mom is the hostess and isn't very good at keeping secrets - basically she calls me to tell me every time someone responds.  I love knowing since I hate surprises, but my MOH (my cousin) I'm sure is a little frustrated. 

    Right now we have 42 people who are attending my shower and 20 who can't make it.  There are 57 more who need to respond still. 

    I am completely okay with most of the no responses since many of them are from out of state.  And, before anyone comments, I was not being "gift grabby" by inviting out of state people, we have been invited to all of their events.  However, I do have an aunt and cousin who are not attending which was a surprising no since i have gone to all of their events.  My dad did call them and basically call them out on this. Maybe not right, but served its purpose.  Like you said, I go to every shower/wedding/christening/first birthday party that I am invited to, and so my family did expect certain people to attend. 

    That being said, we (you and I) can be disappointed about the no responses.  We can't say anything - except to our moms who are perfectly happy to listen to us!.  And, I will just remember this when certain invitations show up in my mailbox in the future. 

    Take the responses for what it's worth, attend your shower (I see it's next week, mine is in two weeks), and enjoy the company of the people who did come. 


    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    1.  How do you know how many people were on the guest list and how many people have responded yes/no?  This is not your business.

    2.  How did the guest list get to be 53 people?  The shower is planned by the MOH and BM's, and the bride's closest friends are invited, along with the MOB and maybe grandmother of the bride and maybe the groom's mother (see below) - I've never been to a shower with more than 14 people.

    3.  The main reason that people RSVP no to a shower is that they expect that the shower will have embarassing games, like wrapping people in toilet paper to make a wedding dress, or that the shower will have embarassing gifts, like edible underwear.  Did your MOH plan up stuff like this?  That's probably why the MOH's sister and the MOH's mother aren't coming, etc.

    Bridal Shower: Who's Invited to a Bridal Shower?

    Q.

    My matron of honor asked me to give her a bridal shower guest list. Do I invite all the women who will be invited to the wedding or just close family and friends?

    A.

    You don't have to invite every woman who's invited to your wedding (think of the expense for your bridesmaids if you did!). The guest list should include your closest female pals and relatives (and your fiance's mom, sis, and other close female friends and family).

  • loop0406loop0406 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel you, I would be hurt too if close family/friends couldn't attend or most importantly, didn't want to attend.

    Since there's nothing you can do about it, I suggest try to shake it off and enjoy your shower regardless.  Have fun !
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Kristin - 14 is nothing for some brides. My friend has 6 ladies total on one side alone. About 7 on the other side of just aunts.


    "I aked my MOH why and she said that they just didn't really want to go and she told them it wasn't a big deal."
    Ouch! This is why it's never a good idea to ask why.

    It really sucks not everyone can make it, but have fun with those who do attend. :)


    image
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_people-rsvping-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:544eb94e-322d-4163-910f-635d3d779a1fPost:70c320c3-70d5-4b92-9463-f3392621a5f1">Re: People RSVPing "No" to my shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]  And, I will just remember this when certain invitations show up in my mailbox in the future. 
    Posted by clarereedy[/QUOTE]

    Very mature.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    clare:  I just have to say that I would decline a shower if I knew that 119 invitations had been sent out.  In my circle, that's outrageous and would be an ungodly long shower just to get the gifts open.

    My BIL's wife had a huge shower:  over 65 people, and it was awful.  Awful.

    A 125 guest shower is bigger than my son's OR DD's weddings were.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    It must be a family thing then...showers are boring - no one is arguing that fact - but in my family that size shower is the norm.  There are soooo many aunts and cousins and you can't exclude some without offending them. Like I said our family is huge - I'm the 21st cousin to be getting married.  

    However, as immature as you think it may be, when the invites come from that aunt and cousin, I will not be trekking to the parties. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • ejoyce8ejoyce8 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    if they can't come it shouldn't be a huge deal. everyone can't come to everything.  It is okay to be disappointed but not mad or resentful...it will only hurt you in the end.
    Anniversary bethandanthony.weebly.com
  • deb84deb84 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I can understand to some extent you being upset.  But to CALL THEM OUT ON IT? That is beyond rude.  They do not need to explain to you why they RSVP'ed no.  It is none of your business how they spend their time.   

    You can be upset/hurt, but you can't talk about it because that makes you sound bad.  AND you sure as hell can't ask people why they aren't coming!!!!!


    Wedding Countdown Ticker Photobucket
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    And you also can't say, "Well I'll remember this next time."

    That makes you sound really petty and ungracious.
  • edited December 2011
    Bridal showers are nothing more than lame gift grabby party - but that's just me.  It is not a big deal.  I am having a jack and jill with "Please, no gifts" on the invitation. 
  • aprilhaynesaprilhaynes member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    While I can understand your disappointment at not having a larger turnout, you sound a bit "entitled" in this post.

    When I was my sister's MOH last year, we were surprised at how many were not able to come. (Being that I planned her shower, I was the one who fielded the responses.) But she never copped an attitude about it or acted butthurt.

    We had a lovely day with those who were able to attend! As you should focus on doing. :-)
  • lesliek21lesliek21 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've had people RSVP no to my shower..and don't really understand how people can be offended by that. Scheduling conflicts happen; it's not the end of the world. It's not like they're missing your wedding, just a pre-wedding gathering. It's honestly not that big of a deal. Time to grow up and get over it. Being angry and resentful isn't going to make them come; the more likely scenario: they'll be annoyed that you're being so childish over it. Really--pick your battles.
  • edited December 2011
    ugh people can be so annoying and "matter of factly" on these boards. i think you have every right to be bothered about people who rsvp "no". it doesnt make you bratty or "entitled" or whatever else. EVERYONE would be annoyed if people they were close to or expected to come rsvp'd NO, whether they're up front about it or secretly fuming about it behind closed doors is a different story which clearly is the case with people that say they wouldnt care. But seriously everyone cares about certain people attending.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_people-rsvping-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:544eb94e-322d-4163-910f-635d3d779a1fPost:3d229628-98b5-49d9-8498-4a981a3d7e01">Re: People RSVPing "No" to my shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]ugh people can be so annoying and "matter of factly" on these boards. i think you have every right to be bothered about people who rsvp "no". it doesnt make you bratty or "entitled" or whatever else. EVERYONE would be annoyed if people they were close to or expected to come rsvp'd NO, whether they're up front about it or secretly fuming about it behind closed doors is a different story which clearly is the case with people that say they wouldnt care. But seriously everyone cares about certain people attending.
    Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]


    completey wrong, and I'm happy to say that my DD and my DIL had a better perspective on this.  Neither took offense at people who couldn't be there.  Both celebrated with those who were.

    And BOTH girls would have told me if they were p!ssed about no-shows.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_people-rsvping-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:544eb94e-322d-4163-910f-635d3d779a1fPost:3d229628-98b5-49d9-8498-4a981a3d7e01">Re: People RSVPing "No" to my shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]ugh people can be so annoying and "matter of factly" on these boards. i think you have every right to be bothered about people who rsvp "no". it doesnt make you bratty or "entitled" or whatever else. EVERYONE would be annoyed if people they were close to or expected to come rsvp'd NO, whether they're up front about it or secretly fuming about it behind closed doors is a different story which clearly is the case with people that say they wouldnt care. But seriously everyone cares about certain people attending.
    Posted by ohyouhavemyheart[/QUOTE]

    Sure, I cared if people could make it.  But I didn't FUME if people couldn't make it.  I was just sad not to see certain guests.

    And sure, it's fine to be sad.  What's not fine is calling people out to evaluate their excuses or reasons.  That's where you go from being gracious to totally UN gracious.
  • edited December 2011
    okay um then i must be delusional and needy. saying "wrong" i would just be content if one soul showed up..how depressingly pathetic is that??!! i mean thats just downright sad.
    NO I WOULD NOT call anyone and ask why theyre not coming cause thats pretty tacky but I would definitely care and my feathers would be ruffled..slightly.
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    i absolutely detest bridal/baby showers.  if it's not for someone i'm really close to and spend a lot of time with, you can expect a no rsvp from me.  it doesn't mean that i don't care or that i'm trying to upset you, it means that i hate being forced to play stupid games and buy double gifts (shower & wedding).  perhaps some of your "no's" feel the same way.  you shouldn't hold it against them, showers are not everyone's cup of tea...
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    "yeah-I'd be hurt too, though.  I'm sorry".

    Thank you...finally a decent response.  Everyone has a right to feel upset if they don't get to celebrate with people they feel close to in a more intimate setting besides the large wedding.  One of my close friends chose to go to someone else's party and I'm hurt, not because she's not bringing a gift, but because it would have been fun to share the experience with her.  Doesn't everyone have a right to their own feelings? 

    I can't believe how mean some of you people are on here...it's appauling!
  • marisah83marisah83 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think a person has a right to be disappointed if certain people can't attend, but we have to keep in mind that everyone else's lives do not revolve around our weddings, and sometimes they just aren't going to come. 
    09.10 Siggy Challenge
    PhotobucketMy favorite picture is of the night we got engaged!
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