Throwing a shower - Do I include the MOH in planning?

jumpingjacks

My Mom and I are throwing a shower for my future sister in law. I'm not in the wedding party, which I say just for clarification on my role. We plan to invite the bridesmaids and maid of honour (they are all in her family and have indicated that they are not throwing her a shower). Is there certain etiquette around how we should include the MOH and maids in the planning, considering they are not hosting? 

I checked with the MOH before going ahead with the decision to throw the shower, to see if she was planning one that would include the same guests and make ours unnecessary. She is not planning one (We were relatively sure before hand that she wouldn't). After that, she went ahead and initially told the bride that we were planning a shower before I had a chance to. The MOH also told the bride to put together her own guest list (which doubled our planned guest list) and then sent this to me, even though we were only planning a small shower with close family. Each time I connect with the bride about the shower, she includes her MOH in her email responses.

I'm not sure if I've missed some etiquette here. Am I not allowed to talk to the bride about the shower that we are hosting without going through her MOH? Have I done something wrong by not including her MOH in a more formal way? Given that my Mom and I are hosting, shoud the MOH have a role in the planning?

MairePoppy

You are not wrong. You and your mom are not obligated to consult with the MOH on the shower that you are hosting. She should stay out of it, unless you specifically ask her for help.

Your fsil might be under the impression that you have asked the MOH to help out with some of the details. Let her know, politely, that it isn't true. It would be better to do this in person or by phone, rather than e-mail, so there won't be any misunderstandings.

Good luck.

trey&angel

I agree I would just call your FSIL and explain what you think may have happened with the MOH being involved. I would also politely tell her that you and your mom can only accommodate x number of guests. Maybe you two can have lunch and sort out the guest list if it really needs to be cut, be careful not to hurt feelings if at all possible.

LoveMuffins

Ditto to PPs, the only thing I want to add is, why wasn't the bride included on making the guest list in the first place? I understand that it's uncomfortable to double your list, but there's usually a conversation of "We'd like to throw you a shower, we can accomodate X number of guests, can you please put together a list" - at least, that's the way I've always seen it done. I've never seen someone throw a shower without getting the list from the bride. I guess since you were only going to invite close familly that pretty much guarantees that everyone you invite is on the guest list for the wedding, but that would def be a concern of mine if I was throwing it.

jumpingjacks

I agree with you. I had intended to have that conversation with the bride, but the MOH went and did it first, which resulted in miscommunication about the numbers.

I don't want to make a big issue out of all this with the MOH or bride, I just wanted to see if perhaps I had misunderstood what the MOH's role should be here. I appreciate everyone's insight. Thanks.

jrm295

Just a thought....

your FSIL might be including her on the emails solely for the fact that the MOH can communicate detail to the other BM's. the MOH might not want to be actively involved in the planning but might just want to know the fun details you have in store since she isnt throwing a shower for the bride.