Pre-wedding Parties

plus ones for rehearsal dinner?

Do I have to invite plus ones of our wedding party to our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner?
Its not like they have anything to "rehearse" and I would assume they would just wind up standing there akwardly as none of them are really friends (all of our WP members are from different areas and times in our life, so most dont know eachother)
Just wondering if I should be budgeting for them and inviting them or not?

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Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?

  • katiebean1katiebean1 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would invite them. Like you said, it'll make the WP more comfortable.  I wouldn't be very happy if FI wasn't invited to a RD I had to go to.
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  • edited December 2011
    my main reason for doubting it is we have a fairly large WP, 6 on each side, and both of us came from split families that remarried, and multiple siblings, so just the people that MUST be there totals almost 30 people. :s and we are having it at my parents house-which isnt huge, very casual.... so if I allowed our entire WP to bring their date, that would be 12 extra people, not even included the extra food, I dont think there would be space! lol. So pretty much they would be coming to watch us rehearse and then come to my parents house to sit in a cramped area

  • MyUserName1MyUserName1 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If they are in a relationship, their partner is invited.

    If they traveled from out of town with a date to the wedding, I would invite the date.

    If they live locally and are not in a relationship, I would not offer a plus one. 

    monniiauddii
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Yup. The SOs or dates must be invited. If you didn't it would be really rude to your wedding party. And FWIW, I'd probably not go to the RD if DH wasn't invited. The probably would be a definite no if the wedding was OOT.
  • beyer089beyer089 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm in the same dilema.  We are having a pretty large wedding (350) and would like to have a nice formal rehersal dinner (FI's parents are divorced and remairred with a slu of step and half-sibblings)  we have a BP of 10 and 4 ushers.  If we allowed all of them to bring guests it would get quiet large and them it wouldn't be an intamate affair. 

    So I say do what you want, it's your day!
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:98bb33d0-2d0f-4305-a33a-5737e3c428e5">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm in the same dilema.  We are having a pretty large wedding (350) and would like to have a nice formal rehersal dinner (FI's parents are divorced and remairred with a slu of step and half-sibblings)  we have a BP of 10 and 4 ushers.  If we allowed all of them to bring guests it would get quiet large and them it wouldn't be an intamate affair.  So I say do what you want, it's your day!
    Posted by beyer089[/QUOTE]

    You could follow this advice but it's awful, rude and the sentiment is about as selfish as it gets.
  • edited December 2011
    I think that if the bridal party is invited to the wedding with a date, then you need to invite that date to the RD as well. That is how we are handling it.
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  • edited December 2011
    ok, I just dont understand why they would want to come to our rehearsal and watch us practise getting married.. :s seems odd to me and when my FI was in a wedding I did not go, but thats just me. Ill probably offer them to come if they would like to.. But I really cant see my bridesmaids boyfriends passing up a night to play video games and watch tv alone to watch us get fake married...just to come the next day to see us get actual married... hell, why not invite them to my dress fittings too so they can akwardly stand and watch me try on my dress?

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You're missing the point.  It isn't just that they'd be there to watch you rehearse.

    The rehearsal dinner serves as the final social event before your wedding.  Because it's a social event it's for anyone who needs to be at the rehearsal who isn't a paid vendor PLUS their significant others.   It's also a thank you to your wedding party and often where the couple express their gratitude to those standing up for them the next day.

    It's fine if the significant others decline attending the RD.  They're not required to attend the RD just as they aren't required to attend the wedding either (no invited guest is really).  However anyone involved in the ceremony should be invited to the dinner portion with his or her significant other (or parent if you're talking about children).

    This isn't like work event.  It's a social one and it's never appropriate to exclude significant others at a social event like this.  That the social event is celebrating the fact that the two of you are about the vow your unending love for each other and you're wanting to split up couples in loving relationships also speaks as a bit of an oxymoron. 

    To compare it to attending your fittings is not the same thing at all.     It's a rather cold comparison actually and makes me wonder what RDs that you've attended have been like in the past. 
  • edited December 2011
    I would never say no if they WANTED to come to our rehearsal...ive never attended a rehearsal unless i was IN the WP...and when I was in the WP, my FI never came to the rehearsal.
    I just dont see why anyone would WANT to come.. we are going to our ceremony venue, rehearsing, going back to my parents house, for a VERY casual dinner.. and then my fiance and his GM are going to where they are staying for the night together and the ladies and I are staying at my parents house..so the SO's would have to find their own way home..which for some is an hr plus and for others its a hotel room.. :s just dont see the point in it, if they cant be by themselves for one evening..theres a problem, you dont need to be attached at the hip. :s but if they know what they would be coming for and know that their SO who is in the WP wont be coming home with them..then sure they can come, just I, myself, would never come... so its hard to wrap my head around.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:bc1c191b-63b0-4ae5-a5d9-4412338c0a50">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would never say no if they WANTED to come to our rehearsal...ive never attended a rehearsal unless i was IN the WP...and when I was in the WP, my FI never came to the rehearsal. I just dont see why anyone would WANT to come.. we are going to our ceremony venue, rehearsing, going back to my parents house, for a VERY casual dinner.. and then my fiance and his GM are going to where they are staying for the night together and the ladies and I are staying at my parents house..so the SO's would have to find their own way home..which for some is an hr plus and for others its a hotel room.. :s just dont see the point in it, if they cant be by themselves for one evening..theres a problem, you dont need to be attached at the hip. :s but if they know what they would be coming for and know that their SO who is in the WP wont be coming home with them..then sure they can come, just I, myself, would never come... so its hard to wrap my head around.
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]

    Again, you're not really getting it.

    This isn't a matter of what you would do if you were in the wedding party. 

    This is about what YOU should be doing as a hostess.

    Your wedding party may decide that it's much easier for their SOs to not attend and that's fine.

    However that's THEIR choice to make.  It's not acceptable for YOU to split up that social unit and it's really rude to pull the "Why are you attached at the hip to your SO?"  That isn't the point.  It's not your judgement call to make.

    I get that your RD is going to be really low key but you still need to extend the invitation to all the SOs. 

    FWIW, here's my personal experience - when DH was in the WP without me, the two times it happened it was at least an hour away and involved a hotel stay.  There was no way we were going to deal with each of us taking our cars or driving there and back two days in a row.  It's just too much.

    In our own wedding, we had the RD and some of my BMs spent the night with me at my parents.  One BM's husband drove the hour home after the meal and left her with no car at my parents' house that night.  Then he came down the next day for the wedding and they spent the night together at a hotel.  Again, that was THEIR choice.

    The bottom line is that you can't split SOs and condescending judgement calls about their relationship involving the rehearsal dinner are really inappropriate. 
  • ECook25ECook25 member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Listen to Banana, she's completely correct.  SO's of the WP can either come watch you rehearse, or (more likely) meet you at your parent's house after the rehearsal for dinner.

    Just to reiterate - YOU do not make the decision as to whether someone would want to come to a dinner or not.  That's up to your WP and their SO's.  You need to be a gracious hostess and extend the invitation to the complete social unit.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Banana is right. It's rude to invite one half of a couple to your social event, unless it's men or women, only, such as a shower or bp. This is especially thoughtless if the couple will be traveling for your wedding.

    FWIW, I would decline the dinner invitation if my husband wasn't invited.
                       
  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    If they're out of town, then you absolutely have to.  I would regardless, but you're stealing their SO for a night, so it's the least you can do. 
  • edited December 2011
    if they want to come..they can.. Ive just never been in a wedding where someone other than those in the WP attended the rehearsal. Personally, I would find that strange if they wanted to attend, but thats just me. Its pretty impractical considering how things are going (timeline wise) ... am i expected to allow them to come to pictures in between the ceremony and the reception too..their SO will be there..technically im "stealing" their SO from them while they perform their WP duties..so do I have to invite them to that too?

  • edited December 2011
    Yes, your wedding party's dates should be allowed to come to the RD. Your bridal party is spending money to be in your wedding, it is rude to not invite the significant others to the RD. I have never been to a RD where everyone's significant others were not there. I personally would not want to go to a RD, if my FI was not invited. I would decline the invitation as well if my FI was not invited. We both work and have school the weekends and nights are the only time we spend together. So we would not be happy and I would not go to a RD if we both were not invited. Your wedding party is again spending there time, taking time off work possibly, spending there money. The least you could do is invite their SO to the RD!!! They will be more comfortable as well. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:bc1c191b-63b0-4ae5-a5d9-4412338c0a50">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would never say no if they WANTED to come to our rehearsal...ive never attended a rehearsal unless i was IN the WP...and when I was in the WP, my FI never came to the rehearsal. I just dont see why anyone would WANT to come.. we are going to our ceremony venue, rehearsing, going back to my parents house, for a VERY casual dinner.. and then my fiance and his GM are going to where they are staying for the night together and the ladies and I are staying at my parents house..so the SO's would have to find their own way home..which for some is an hr plus and for others its a hotel room.. :s just dont see the point in it, if they cant be by themselves for one evening..theres a problem, you dont need to be attached at the hip. :s but if they know what they would be coming for and know that their SO who is in the WP wont be coming home with them..then sure they can come, just I, myself, would never come... so its hard to wrap my head around.
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>So why would your wedding party want to attend this?? They WANT to come to spend time with their SO. They are a social unit. It is rude not to invite them!! 

    </div>
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:dcf2b29e-caff-448f-abbd-3062ecd55ead">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]if they want to come..they can.. Ive just never been in a wedding where someone other than those in the WP attended the rehearsal. Personally, I would find that strange if they wanted to attend, but thats just me. Its pretty impractical considering how things are going (timeline wise) ... am i expected to allow them to come to pictures in between the ceremony and the reception too..their SO will be there..technically im "stealing" their SO from them while they perform their WP duties..so do I have to invite them to that too?
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]

    Stop with the attitude.  Seriously.

    The wedding party is expected to be at those photos.  You can invite the SOs to them or they can mingle with the rest of the guests at the reception during cocktail hour.  It's up to you there.  In most cases, the BP takes photos during cocktail hour and then they join their SOs for the reception.  The last wedding DH was in without me he walked into the reception and then just sat down next to me at the table.

    I really think you need to read up on wedding etiquette.
  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:85a7960f-7269-40fc-95ee-bf4e1d4fedf2">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, I just dont understand why they would want to come to our rehearsal and watch us practise getting married.. :s seems odd to me and when my FI was in a wedding I did not go, but thats just me. Ill probably offer them to come if they would like to.. But I really cant see my bridesmaids boyfriends passing up a night to play video games and watch tv alone to watch us get fake married...just to come the next day to see us get actual married... hell, why not invite them to my dress fittings too so they can akwardly stand and watch me try on my dress?
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]

    It is rude not to invite the dates of the wedding party.

    It is NOT at all like them watching you try on your dress. (are you bringing the groomsmen and ushers to that? and then to diner after?)
  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:dcf2b29e-caff-448f-abbd-3062ecd55ead">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]if they want to come..they can.. Ive just never been in a wedding where someone other than those in the WP attended the rehearsal. Personally, I would find that strange if they wanted to attend, but thats just me. Its pretty impractical considering how things are going (timeline wise) ... am i expected to allow them to come to pictures in between the ceremony and the reception too..their SO will be there..technically im "stealing" their SO from them while they perform their WP duties..so do I have to invite them to that too?
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]

    You asked a question and got pretty much the same answer from everyone.

    Even though you have said more than once that they can come if they want you are implying there's something wrong with them if they do want to come.

    No one has said you are "stealing" anyone and just because they want to go doesn't mean they are "attached at the hip".

    You sound angry that you have been informed it is proper to invite the dates of the wedding party.
  • edited December 2011
    FWIW, my FI attended my friend's rehersal when she got married a few months ago, as did other SO's. A rehersal is nothing like the real thing. Sure you walk down the aisle and do an overview of the real thing, but you aren't wear the dress, or saying the vows or hearing the music.
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  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    We had a laid back RD as well in the backyard with a Caribbean themed bbq afterwards. There was never a question as to whether or not to invite the SO's of the WP. I've never been to a RD where the SO's of the WP aren't invited. We had a rather large WP and that's why we decided to go the more laid back route as it would have been astronomically expensive to pay for everyone to go out to eat at a fancy restaurant the night before another formal event. We had 6 BM's on my side, 7 GM's on DH's side, a Jr. BM, a FG, and a RB. All the SO's of the WP were invited, including the families of the Jr. BM, FG, and RB. Also, my grandparents were invited and some of the OOT guests who wouldn't have had anything to do that evening. It was a larger event, but it was perfect for us, and we loved that it was more laid back since we had a big day ahead of us the next day.

    Bottom line is all the pp's are correct, you can't split up a social unit when hosting a RD. For those in your WP that have SO's they need to be invited. It's their choice whether or not they attend.
  • edited December 2011
    Honestly I was just thinking it would be mega inconvenient for their SO's to come to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.. not for me, but for them. I had never been to a rehearsal where any SO's attended, so I was unsure if that was normal or not.
    I would never tell them "NO, you cant come" I just dont intend on telling them to come, when frankly there is no reason for  them to be there..its not like im sending out formal invitations to this so if they want to come..they come, if they dont, they dont.
    Im just a firm believer in there are some times when its not needed for your SO to come, and times when they should.. this, IMO is not one of those times, mostly because the one GM's GF is....whiny, and I can already seeing her making a big deal over the fact that she has to go home alone when he goes off with the other GM for the night after the RD, shes done it with almost everything WP related..even if it is only a "guy thing" but oh well! I just hoped there might be a way I can get around having her. apparantly not.
    Thanks! :)

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:e86f9224-44ea-4fb1-8ced-749fd48f4913">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly I was just thinking it would be mega inconvenient for their SO's to come to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.. not for me, but for them. I had never been to a rehearsal where any SO's attended, so I was unsure if that was normal or not. I would never tell them "NO, you cant come" I just dont intend on telling them to come, when frankly there is no reason for  them to be there..its not like im sending out formal invitations to this so if they want to come..they come, if they dont, they dont. Im just a firm believer in there are some times when its not needed for your SO to come, and times when they should.. this, IMO is not one of those times, mostly because the one GM's GF is....whiny, and I can already seeing her making a big deal over the fact that she has to go home alone when he goes off with the other GM for the night after the RD, shes done it with almost everything WP related..even if it is only a "guy thing" but oh well! I just hoped there might be a way I can get around having her. apparantly not. Thanks! :)
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>It is actually inconvenient if you do not invite SO. 

    </div>
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Nope. You need to invite her.

    And the thing is, you might believe it but you've been told time and time again that you're not correct here.  The opinions of everyone else (and proper etiquette) state that you need to invite the SOs.

    We didn't issue invitations to the RD either.  In fact, I've never received an RD invitation to any RD that I've ever attended.  I still always attended with DH.
  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:e86f9224-44ea-4fb1-8ced-749fd48f4913">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly I was just thinking it would be mega inconvenient for their SO's to come to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.. not for me, but for them. I had never been to a rehearsal where any SO's attended, so I was unsure if that was normal or not. I would never tell them "NO, you cant come" I just dont intend on telling them to come, when frankly there is no reason for  them to be there..its not like im sending out formal invitations to this so if they want to come..they come, if they dont, they dont. Im just a firm believer in there are some times when its not needed for your SO to come, and times when they should.. this, IMO is not one of those times, mostly because the one GM's GF is....whiny, and I can already seeing her making a big deal over the fact that she has to go home alone when he goes off with the other GM for the night after the RD, shes done it with almost everything WP related..even if it is only a "guy thing" but oh well! I just hoped there might be a way I can get around having her. apparantly not. Thanks! :)
    Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]

    It's an invite, not a subpoena.  If it's inconvenient they won't come, but you should at least extend the offer.  That simple. 
  • AshLWAshLW member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Every single person who has posted has said that the general rule of thumb is to invite the SOs of your wedding party.  But for some reason you keep arguing everyone's advice ---- why did you even bother to post then if you weren't even open to listening to anyone else???  Do what you want; if you don't invite SOs, guarantee that you will have some people upset at your decision, but then again, what do you care?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Geez, you people are acting like im telling YOU, you cant go with your FI or DH! And I also have said a handful of times that if they WANT to come, they will come, just that IMO its unnecessary and inconvenient.
    I would NEVER tell her (or any of their SOs) that they COULDNT come.. all I am doing for the RD invites is telling our WP to be at our place at "x" time to go to the ceremony venue and then that were going to my parents afterwards for a quick bite..and then they all already know where they are staying and how the rest of the night is going.. if they say "hey can suzie come" I will say "of course! but just make sure she knows how the evening is going so she isnt disapointed when you leave with the guys for the rest of the night"  and i really dont think theres anything wrong with that.
    im not disagreeing with you whatsoever, I grasped that YES they CAN come, I just still think theres no reason :s

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_plus-ones-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:5b14ea3f-d476-4163-aa82-e0608573fa9dPost:594973b1-838f-4c64-a597-a92219c71e62">Re: plus ones for rehearsal dinner?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Geez, you people are acting like im telling YOU, you cant go with your FI or DH! And I also have said a handful of times that if they WANT to come, they will come, just that IMO its unnecessary and inconvenient. I would NEVER tell her (or any of their SOs) that they COULDNT come.. all I am doing for the RD invites is telling our WP to be at our place at "x" time to go to the ceremony venue and then that were going to my parents afterwards for a quick bite..and then they all already know where they are staying and how the rest of the night is going.. <strong>if they say "hey can suzie come" I will say "of course! but just make sure she knows how the evening is going so she isnt disapointed when you leave with the guys for the rest of the night"  and i really dont think theres anything wrong with that. im not disagreeing with you whatsoever, I grasped that YES they CAN come, I just still think theres no reason :s
    </strong>Posted by stefaniewattie[/QUOTE]

    No.  Just no.  You're not getting it.

    You are supposed to extend the invitation to the SOs.  You're not supposed to wait and see if they ask.  You're supposed to be gracious as a hostess and say, "You and your SO are invited to the RD."  It's not a, "Well if she wants to she can come," and it's not a "I think it's silly but whatever," type of thing.

    Invite them.  it's the right thing to do and your posts still come across as though you need a bit of an attitude adjustement.

    Extend the invitation.  If they want to they'll come and if they don't want to they won't.  But invite them for heaven's sake!
  • edited December 2011

    When I invite friends over for pizza and beer (which is what our RD is) I dont call and specify exactly who is invited..they rightfully assume that everyone in that household is invited, if they WANT to come. HOW I word my invitation when I call is not at all part of what i asked, all i asked is if they can come/should be able to etc. and I got my answer! therefore, I am following that advice and they are coming if they want to..are you going to come to my house and babysit me? make sure I word it the way im "supposed" to? holy.


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