FMIL Shower vent (long, sorry)

glam70s

My mom and my sister/MOH started planning me a shower. When they asked for the guestlist, I politely requested that we not have a shower because I'm extremely uncomfortable receiving gifts. They know me well and agreed that we should not have a shower.

My FMIL (who I've known for 11 years now) is also planning a shower. I asked her not to, for the same reasons, and she agreed. A week later, she sent me the guest list she was planning as though we had never had our previous conversation. After another talk with her, I begrudgingly agreed to go along with it since it was clear that she really wanted it, and I don't want to join this family starting off on the wrong foot.

I don't want to go to this shower. I HATE showers and HATE anyone going to this sort of trouble for me. But, I agreed and have been gracious about it in every discussion with FMIL.

Yesterday, I found out that she emailed my sister and told her how unimpressed she was that my family was not throwing me a shower. My sister responded that they were planning one and stopped it out of respect for what I wanted. FMIL replies that it doesn't matter what I want - it's a wedding and it's "socially unacceptable to have a wedding without a shower".

I'm so angry. How dare she contact my family behind my back and tell them that they're terrible people because they're not throwing me a shower I asked them not to throw?

To compound the issue, she invited my mom and sister to this shower, and they're feeling uncomfortable about going. I told them it's their decision, but if they go they can just say "thank you so much for hosting this shower! Glam really didn't want one so we stopped planning the one we were throwing, but this way we get to attend one anyway!"

What would you do? I really don't want to make a big deal of it but it really wasn't okay of her to do that. FI would talk to her if I wanted him to but I've been very close to FMIL for over 10 years, at this point I don't feel like I need him to mediate.

MairePoppy

It was very gracious of you to accept the offer of the shower from your fmil. It sucks that she is paying you back by being rude to your mother and sister. You should make sure your fi is aware of the message she sent to your sister. Ask him to straighten her out. She owes your sister an apology. But don't hold your breath.

I'm really tempted to tell you to call off the shower. But I'll be a bigger person than that, because the guests who are invited to this shower are not aware of this insult. Your mom has risen above the situation. Follow her good example.

But definitely have your fi talk to her.

RebeccaB88

I agree with Poppy.  Even if you have a good relationship with her, she isn't respecting your wishes.  Your FI is her son, and he needs to back you up here.  You shouldn't be forced into something you aren't comfortable with.  If your FI can't or won't stand up for you, you have bigger problems than this shower.

loop0406

Honestly I would grin and bear it.

glam70s

My FI absolutely is standing up for me and offered to talk to her, but I asked him not to. I really think I need to just handle this on my own.

I most likely will just grin and bear it, bit it still really irks me.. Particularly since in all the years I've known her she's never shown this side of her personality before. Oh well, we'll see how it goes..

LoveMuffins

I think some people can just get super traditional and feel that certain things are "good etiquette" - such as throwing a bridal shower whether or not the bride wants one. That might explain the quirk in her personality that you haven't seen before. Although, going by old school etiquette, it wouldn't have been appropriate for your mother and sister to throw it anyway. At least now you're forewarned about future possibly baby-showers!