Unwanted guests at couples shower

ccarpente

My moh has offered to throw us a couples shower this weekend. She asked me for a list of people we wanted to invite. So I gave her a list. She then asks me later if it's ok if her boyfriends invites four of his friends that are coming in from out of town. I do not know these people nor are they invited to the wedding. I told her I didn't think it was apprpriate for them to come since they are not invited to the wedding. She said that it's not that big of a deal and that I wouldn't even notice them. I feel uncomfortable having these people there without knowing them. In addition, my ffil has offered to pay for most of the food and fiancé and I think it's rude to make him pay for these strangers. Am I making too big a deal about this? What should I do?

hlq2011

You're right that she shouldn't be inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding, and I agree that your FFIL shouldn't have to pay for them.  I'd tell her that, as well.

She asked if it's okay; your answer was no and she should be abiding that.

redheadtmk

My first question is are they coming from OOT that weekend and staying at her house? Is the shower at her house or another venue? This could be a mis communication between her and her boyfriend or a last minute trip that these friends were able to make. Are they flying in or coming from a long distance or is it fairly close by?
  To  me there is a big difference between inviting random people and inviting people who happen to be coming in from out of town. She may be feeling stressed to host your party and entertain these guests. i would want to know more about the circumstances of their visit before I got upset. Sometimes life happens. I would personally just let her invite them. Chances are they will opt to go do something else while the shower takes place. With four of them coming i would imagine they are capable of entertaing themselves or exploring the town on their own. Also think about it from the guests perspective...they probably don't know about the shower, or do not invite people who are not wedding guests rule. They probably assume everything with the trip is good to go and would feel bad/awkward to arrive and find they are complicating things or not entirely welcome. (if the shower is in her home)

rknox88

Agree with hlq.

It is just improper etiquette. Your MOH's boyfriend just needs to choose if he would like to come to the shower or hang with his buddies from out of town. It shouldn't be a big deal, but in this instance he can't have both.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_unwanted-guests-couples-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:65ccb440-4f83-43bf-b11a-55591c125a4bPost:bfc14c26-52b1-4a3e-9f9c-1e770edb7e99">Unwanted guests at couples shower</a>:
[QUOTE]My moh has offered to throw us a couples shower this weekend. She asked me for a list of people we wanted to invite. So I gave her a list. She then asks me later if it's ok if her boyfriends invites four of his friends that are coming in from out of town. I do not know these people nor are they invited to the wedding. I told her I didn't think it was apprpriate for them to come since they are not invited to the wedding. She said that it's not that big of a deal and that I wouldn't even notice them. I feel uncomfortable having these people there without knowing them. In addition, my ffil has offered to pay for most of the food and fiancé and I think it's rude to make him pay for these strangers. Am I making too big a deal about this? What should I do?
Posted by ccarpente[/QUOTE]
Oh that's ridiculous. If her boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends, he can.. elsewhere. There is a time and a place for everything, but someone's bridal shower isn't the place for a side-party, ya know?
Both you and fiance aren't okay with it. And your FFIL is the one paying, not her. She asked, you answered. She's being unreasonable by trying to talk to you into it.
i think it would be okay to let her know that you and your fiance discussed it and decided you both don't want the guys there. And definitely let her know that the FFIL, who is paying for most of it, wouldn't appreciate them there, either.

MairePoppy

I agree with redheadtmk because

1. the hosts of the party are asking for the accommodation. It's not the same as guests asking to bring guests to your shower. If the party is in their home, what are they supposed to do with their guests?

2. since you don't even know the hosts' friends, it is unlikely that they will assume that you will be inviting them to your wedding. That is the main issue with shower guests not being invited to the wedding. It makes them feel like they are good enough to bring a gift, but not good enough to attend the main event.

Simply Fated

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that these four friends of the friend's boyfriend are probably not house guests of the friend.
It just sounds like her friend and the boyfriend are using the fact that it's a party to entertain their own friends. It's not even like it's 1 or 2 people. It's four random guys that the bride and groom know nothing about.
I wouldn't want four people I didn't know and who weren't invited to my wedding to be at my bridal shower... sitting with my Aunt Rose and watching us open our presents... it's a private function, not a frat party.

redheadtmk

I don't know anyones ages but I think its a little presumptuous to assume they are going to behave like they are at a frat party. Or to compare them to frats in anyway. Unless I missed something, there is nothing indicating that they are young and immature.

rknox88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_unwanted-guests-couples-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:65ccb440-4f83-43bf-b11a-55591c125a4bPost:8dfd7e04-8e55-4284-84e2-dc82e896788d">Re: Unwanted guests at couples shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know anyones ages but I think its a little presumptuous to assume they are going to behave like they are at a frat party. Or to compare them to frats in anyway. Unless I missed something, there is nothing indicating that they are young and immature.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

Regardless, it would be rude to invite them. The only way I think it would be acceptable is if they are house guests of the host.

Carlydl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_unwanted-guests-couples-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:65ccb440-4f83-43bf-b11a-55591c125a4bPost:75ffaee7-bcbb-43c6-8a67-cbdbac33bd62">Re: Unwanted guests at couples shower</a>:
[QUOTE]You're right that she shouldn't be inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding, and I agree that your FFIL shouldn't have to pay for them.  I'd tell her that, as well. <strong>She asked if it's okay; your answer was no and she should be abiding that.</strong>
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

This exactly. 

I think it is incredibly rude to invite four people you have never met to your bridal shower.  Assuming that these guests are grown men, they can entertain themselves for 2-3 hours while they are hosting your shower.